Disaster Day 4

Day 4.

I wasn't really happy or sad when I woke up. I guess I was feeling numb again..

But I feel like I can start my laptop again. The pain wasn't that bad anymore.

I can joke around with friends and colleagues.

Then. You texted me.
Boy. You don't know how much I missed talking to you. You will never know how bad it feels not to belong with you :'(

Had fun conversations.
Why do I feel like we are never getting back?
For such small thing it isn't worth it.
I want to fight for us. But please see that I'm fighting.

I never wanted you to read my blog. I write to ease my soul.
I love you. I still do. A lot.
It's so hard for me to get to this stage.


I really wonder. Have you got yourself a replacement :(


I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 3

Day 3.

Woke up feeling fairly positive.
slept alone with locked door. Good start anyway :)

Proud of myself.
was doing so good for the 1st half of the day.

Things were crazy at work.

Until. You ass hole bbm me.
Not to patch things back, you tore my healing wounds apart again.
That stupid text.
I wasn't ready to meet you. I couldn't.
How can you be so cruel?

Your heart must be covered by tars from the cigarettes. So black and thick. Your eyes, feelings blinded.

I can't believe I am this weak and vulnerable. How can a simple text from you affected me in so many ways.
I cried, again.
But I sure am lucky enough to have supportive friends and family. :)
Thank you for being there when I abandon all of you when I was living in my fantasy fairy tale.

Went swimming with my sister, had fun, real fun. Though the garden reminded me so much of us. It was the place we 1st met.

Maybe you thought of leaving me long time ago. I do wonder, is this just an opportunity for you to leave me? My heart says, "No"
Until today I still trust you in ways that I don't even understand. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Even though I am always telling you that "I don't trust you" but the fact is, I do. I know you.
Deep down that tar covered heart. Behind that smile.

Didn't eat much yesterday but i was able to finish my lunch :)
another good start.
I am always amazed by the fact that how two different people from totally separate life can come together and love each other so deep. But why do you need to end it this way?
I prefer you to talk me out of this relationship.
This relationship of us need closure. I need closure. It was so good to us, we need to end with respect.
Maybe getting back isn't an option anymore.

-just move on-

Disaster Day 2

Day 2

I woke up with a smile.
Day 2 was better. I can feel myself healing.

I feel like I can take on the world.

Tried to focus on my work but still can't seem to eat.

Day 2 was so much better. The pain seems to be lesser.

Had fun with my sisters singing my heart out, avoiding songs that remind me of you.
listening to advice and learning so much.

I really tried to kick your shadow. everything about you out of my mind.

Need to do more soul searching.
I slept alone with the door open tho.

I guess that's improvement.
Working on getting a new car.

-inject me with essence of positive-

Disaster Day 1

Day 1 of the collapse of my support system.

the same day my car got stolen.

The break up was bad and dramatic.
It was so sudden. so fast too emotional.

I was numbed. I couldn't spend the night sleeping alone. I had to sleep with my sisters.
I seek shelter. I was shivering.
He thought that giving back all the things i gave him means erasing all our memories. but he was so wrong.

I couldn't eat. I feel nauseous, I can't stop crying.
The sun has fallen. My world crumble. half of my soul gone.
Deleting pictures and videos of you in my phone means nothing.
I still miss you the same.

The fear of starting my laptop. fearing that i would accidentally click on one of our vids.

I tried begging wanting him back.
I guess. His heart just can't take me back anymore.
I can't stop crying.

Everything around me is you.
All of me.
The music, the food the place. you scent.
I miss his hugs. his jokes his voice. I miss him so much no words can describe how sorry I am.

I just wanted him to give me one more chance to make it right again. Just this one last time.
I told him I have learnt my lesson.
He wouldn't listen.
He acting so cruel makes me think that, did he ever love me?
was it as much as i did?
I said to not give up. He pushed me away. pushed away everything that we built.

If we ever got back together again. i promise to make this relationship stronger.
I promise not to repeat the same mistakes.

I am lucky enough to have friends and family to support me, to love me.
but
You promised not the throw me away anymore, but you still did.

I guess karma bites like a bitch.
-good bye-

Support system

knowing what I want in life is still a daily challenge.
living breathing waking up in the morning starts getting easier as the days gone by with you with me.

I have made you my support system. All these while I have been searching, for the piece that long missing.
For I have found you and you found me.

Yes, we have stupid fights. I call you ass hole. we made up, we fight again. Spending all the time with you. making me more vulnerable in the way that i need you more in my life than ever.

You are my support system. I just want to cling on to you. I've always said your smile is like the sun in so many ways.
Just one smile. one tiny little joke. you light up my day. No matter how bad my day is, you tend to have the magic to make me feel ok. 
Like, i can depend on you. 
like there's nothing to worry in the world.
like there's nothing out there for me to focus on except you. 
like there's nothing in the world that can call upon my soul except your voice. 

this explains why i always need to have you with me.
this is why only with you i feel free.

We had the most amazing time, going to arcades, having picnics, street performing our late night drives
even just spending time cuddling and watching movies means so much to me.

No matter how cruel and harsh you pretend to be, deep down under that mask, i know you. I know what you have for me. I know from that broken pieces of heart I can help you pick them all up and fix them back. 
You are all I want. 
Even we disagree on so many things, yet, there are so many other things that we agree on. We have the same vision for life. 

from everything that is bad about you, i want to only see the good side of them.

I am not sure about shit. You are the only thing that I am 101% sure.
I guess relationship is all about forgiving compromising and accepting each others.
Thank you for accepting my flaws, my snores, my craziness, my sudden mood swing.

There are times where we feel like giving up on each other, or even gave up. Sometimes I wonder, why should we?
It wasn't easy for us to finally have this bond, why break it? Why must we ruin this beautiful amazing relationship that we built?
I am still learning to control so much. and this is only so much i could do.
I am so sorry. for literary everything. 
Watching videos of you singing, that tiny sparkle in your eyes. As if you sing the song of my heart. serenade my soul.

I said, you are my life. always is, always will be. nothing can change that. 
I am writing this to repair whatever is broken, for me being selfish, for me to want more than you can give.
I can't promise you anything.
All i can promise is, you have me. 

Sorry for being so cheesy.
Sorry for not updating anything.

All i can say is there's only good times with you that I cherish so much that i don't want to share with the world.
I am selfish like that.
I love like that. 
I am insane, head over heels in love with this jerky ass hole dick head.
I love you noob. 


-Always- 

Wild hearts

Months since i clicked this link.

Waiting for me.

My fingers itching to dance on the key board like they used to so very long ago. 

The past few months have been magical. 

Chinese New Year was great, just like I expected.

Family time with the cousins. Eating lots and lots of food. 

being free 

Free from anything that would kill my freedom. 

laughing like there's no tomorrow. 

Work. Work. Work.

how can I ever love you? be passionate about you?

Expectations.

Achievements.

Pleasing people.

commitments. 

Walking gracefully, shoulders back chin up. wearing heels and skirts and shirts so tight so neat

make up on, the only thing that I am fighting to keep is my messy hair. 

I love my hair messy, the flow of it. 

I can barely recognize myself. 

Is this life? Is this?

the money, life and happiness, controversial conversation, discussions, arguments never stop.

I just want to run. Run away. 

run away with music.

run away with you.

each and every mistakes and scoldings and embarrassment i got from work just disappears when you are with me.

But. no one understands. all they ever see is the obvious difference. the outer shell that will never define who you are and who i am. 

That shallow surface is all they want to see. 

Funny, they knew treasures are buried deep under. 

Thank you for loving me the way you love  me. 

This cage. How can i ever breakthrough it?

My friends said I live for love. I live to love.

I love, to survive.

I will never get the happiness that I've always yearn for.

so now. Let me embrace life. let me go. 

-hearts are wild creatures. and you caught mine.- 

    

 

The past

Past.

Your past - your shadow.

Your shadow that I hate to even look at it.

The shadow that never seem to leave us alone.

Everything you do it seem to follow.

Everything you do, got to do with it.

I am selfish,

the fact that I am trying to accept your past is hard enough for me to swallow. 

The fact that your past used to hurt me so bad.

The fact that your past made you who you are today. 

The fact that I love you so much that I pushed everything down my throat.

The fact that it's so unfair that they got so much from you, and all I get is shadows. 

 Bits and pieces of them

memories of them still lingers 

the way that songs, places, things, cars, words, food, feelings that reminds you of them. 

the way you tell me your stories.

they are killing me each time. each time that you think of them when we are together.

Promises and lies.

there's no way, no body can change anything.

I'll just swallow everything alone.

This is going to be a lonely road.

and I'll walk because you are what I've always wanted. 

I put my past away, I thought, we are starting a whole new book.

I guess, you couldn't resist but to add some of your past in.

 

Your dark humor that I never understand.

You have no idea how much I hated the fact that she won your heart before I did. 

because of her,

You pushed me aside. 

You hurt me. 

because of her, i had to suffer alone. 

because of her, you have memories of her stuck in you.

because of them. 

It's just matter of time till I explode. 

I just need to let things out guys. 

call me dumb call me stupid.

call me blind.

then you came back. I welcome you with open arms. not knowing what will happen. 

because. I love you. 

-it's not just the heart, it's always the heart and physical pain- 

2014

What's the best way to end the year?  

Mine is, get a midnight kiss and to say good bye 2013, Hi 2014. 

I did not set any resolution this year. New year resolutions are for noobies! LOL
Nah. I'm just really comfortable in this stage of my life right now.

I got a job
I got a car
I got you.

what more can i ask for? Besides getting in shape? 
Well, being in shape is kinda like a whole life goal, i would not consider it as my resolution. 

Honestly, this year is totally different, I mean, new year, it's just another day.
Another day. another day. 
It's like any other day.
There's nothing like entering into a new time zone.

Maybe it's because when in school we change classes meet new friends, but this year, it's just. another holiday. 
don't get me wrong, this is not a depressing post. 
I mean, I do look forward for good things to happen. 
This is going to be an excellent year. :) I hope. 

and it's a miracle that i'm writing this without any music. 
just an open window with some evening breeze and the setting sun. 


Life is good. 
Change is good. 
I guess the only thing i really want now is to do better in my job.
Focus and break through. 
to love something that i never thought i would 
and to be comfortable with my new name new personality is really hard.

but life is just a theater. Let the best actress win. 
Looking forward to Chinese New Year. :) 
I miss my cousins, gosh i just want to hug, squeeze and kiss all of them.

there's this one thing that i hope will not happen to me, that is, no matter how lonely and weird i am. I do not want to spend new year eve or any festive season alone.

I will at least get myself a cat. or a puppy. or maybe a cat. :) 

and lebuh raya bermula. Lets race. 

-don't leave me, ok?- 

It felt right.

The time when everything just falls into place. 
When you know, you are on path. 

that does not happen to me often. 
I am always out of place. always awkward and sweaty.
but with you, nothing seems to matter anymore. 

Fate. Our paths tangled. You hurting me driving me away.
Me stop fighting for what i wanted most, and yet. two diverged road combined.
and there we met again.  

I packed and did not unpack for a long time. What was i waiting for? was it another trip? was it someone coming, pull me out from reality?

Things weren't that simple after all. 
Waiting wasn't the solution anymore. I had to. I had to move. 

I reached Malaysia. It felt right. 
When the cabin door opened i knew. My old friend, the sea breeze is always there to welcome me.
each stroke on my face, whispers "welcome home Yoke." 

Home. 4 letters, such simple word, yet meant so much to me. 
Staying home was the best. I was well taken care of. What I did for the few weeks at home was waking up, working out, tiny bit of house work, meeting friends, watching food network controlling my lust for food. Which did not work out well. 

One day. one phone call. one simple suggestion. just one. and i am off again
Away from home. 
I got a job. A job that I never asked for, never dream of, never imagine doing. and here comes my most dreadful enemy - reality. 
It was awful, horrible, agonizing for the first 10 painstaking days. 
no words to describe how i felt. 
I had to. I had to look for my miracle grass. 
Yes. Miracle grass.
Miracle grass that fuck me up. 
broke me down. 

Changed my name and cut my hair. never thought that I did this just to fit it. Just to satisfy reality. 
Reality is like this dark tunnel. Just hold your breath and make a wish. 

We officially broke off. This is it. This is the end. 
No more making up and breaking up. 
I've had enough of the fucking routine that i had to go through with him.
Just stop.
 Let her go - passenger was the best song for him. He just wouldn't listen. 

And there you came. once again in my life. You annoying ass hole. 
annoying ass hole that i couldn't let go.
annoying ass hole that i want so badly to be with me when i feel like shit.

I would stand at my balcony, waiting for you and your black horse. 
that smile that you gave me each time you see me. 
That genuine smile is all i asked from him. The one that let me go. 
The one that i once thought I love. 

You don't need to fight nor compare, your smile is enough to make my heart stop. 
that smile that makes me call you summer. 
We kissed. and that feeling was. Right. 
being with you is like I've never been in love before.
You are so tall that i had to tip toe kiss you.

So basically, i did not upload any pictures from my Europe trip. 
friends that turned against each other. Was it me? or was it the fact that I am just like this. 
typical Yoke. Yes. typical, cutting off any old classmates. I do not have any explanation for doing what i do. but i just do. 

I drive now. Yes. I drive now, that's a good start. :)
something for me to keep holding on. 
Having a job is like eating up my dreams and childhood pieces by pieces. 
I just hate being an adult, having responsibilities and shit. 

so. good bye days. just 3 little birds on my wrist to remind me of  freedom. 

talking to you for hours felt right.
so are you the right one?
All it takes is three simple words to explain a complicated relationship. I love you. I am still waiting for my i love you. Love. 
-i just want to lalala with you- 

Time to pack

it's a raining September morning. I should be doing and rushing for my Risk management assignment which is killing me from the inside out.
But you guys know me.
I'm terrified. but what's the point?
living but not feeling?

Me rain and my blog.
I couldn't help myself.
August was shitty in it's own way.

My great grandma passed away on my birthday.
:(

Yeah. she was 88 years old.
It was so sudden.
and I couldn't get over the fact that she's gone.
She have been with us since forever.
It's not that i'm very close with her.
But she sure loved me.
I always knew that i was the special one for her.
somehow i'm glad she passed away.
She doesn't need to suffer anymore.
88 long years. the damage that the world had done to her is enough.
all her suffering ends when she exhale her last breath.
I couldn't attend her funeral. Dad says it's fine.
Her passing away brought relieved to my parents especially.
I'm done crying and asking "why on my birthday?"
It's time to move on.

I learnt that
not to let any opportunity slip from my hand anymore.
I should be more friendly to people. there's no need to put on a facade.
I should not care too much about people that don't deserve it. Caring is suffering, suffering ends up crying like a bitch.

it's raining heavier.
i'm getting heavier.
Your name does rimes with mine, but because of that you chose to let me go. i guess you're not worth it.

I'm leaving Sheffield less than a week time.
Can I not?

Congratulations to my friends :)
I long to have relationship like both of you. May God bless you and little baby Hannah.
So happy for both of you.
All the sacrifices and heart breaks and tears are all worth it.

I guess i'm better off with him.
I deserve someone that don't care for what's my outer shell.
for that someone I once loved.
nothing's more important than acceptance.
You are better off doing what you always do.

Time to pack
Time to pack up my luggage
Time to pack up my emotions
Time to pack

You say that you are over me,
my heart-
it skips,
it sinks.

I see you now with someone new,
I stare,
I stare,
I blink.

Someday I'll be over you,
I know,
I know -
I think.

-Langleav-


-Thank you for loving me and accepting my flaws and loving them as much as my smile. -
-I'm learning to love you and accepting your flaws like you did mine- 

Who's gonna stay?

people come and people go is part of our live.
meeting new people and old friends leaving.

I never thought that Sheffield and the people at church would make me so comfortable.
I felt belong there. 
Loved.
Yesterday was farewell for all of us summer semester students.
I was actually sad and for the first time in many months actually feel for other people.
I was a selfish bitch for a very long time. 
It must be God's plan for me to go there, to know him more.

I was so touched yesterday by some of the testimonials they shared i swear, my eyes were blurry and my head started to pound, too many emotions, I felt exhausted.

Everyone's leaving who's gonna stay? 
what are we leaving behind?
It never did struck me until yesterday that i will never, never, maybe in a very long time meet those people again.
It did felt like home, like they will always be there. 

Went to London last week.
was there for 4 days.
How can i ever explain the first time when I was right in front of London Eye.
I merely gaps. 
Laughing hysterically. 
yall know i'm a crazy bitch.

London bridge, Big Ben, Tower of London, St. Paul cathedral, Buckingham palace, British museum.
places only exist in television, in movies, books and postcards and posters. 
I never thought i would step near enough to touch them.
traveling by tubes, getting an oyster card, going underground.

pictures of the trip will be up on my facebook soon. 

I love London, big city, busy people, cars and lorries buses, cabs and bicycles everywhere. 
and when it rains, that misty morning, vividly looking at Big Ben at Trafalgar square.
those little moments that make me feel alive again, that my life isn't so bad to complain about, just a split second to get things out of my mind. 
to get far away from you haunting me. 
sadly when the clock strike 3.
I knew, nothing can be forever. 
few weeks ago I was thrilled when you said you'll wait.
You got me excited about going back, and nothing here matters.
But, how did you change so fast?


I didn't even notice things were wrong. or were they wrong from the very beginning? 
why is it the last isn't always the last?
how can you be so cruel?
what horrible thing happen to you that makes you, you?

can i not leave this place? 
-how does it feel not seeing you forever?-

Sun is dead

Dear music. 
You told me you liked me, but why did you go away? 
never imagined the ending would be like this.

Your name and music will forever be buried deep down in my heart.
You hit me like a Tsunami, one gigantic wave, dragged everything away, gone.
You hit me with numerous after waves, created more damage, as if the first damage wasn't enough
Your words hit me, but i feel physical pain. my heart acually hurts. 

What's done is done
What's yours will never be mine.
Recovery? 
The damage will never be forgotten. 

You sucked the soul out of their eyes
It's my fault to fall into your lies
when you say you never asked for it to happen
you should have known.

Their lifeless eyes tell stories
images of you haunts me.
I once thought my happiness matters to you.
guess, I was too naive.

My friends accused me of losing my mind.
I told them "I am living life, I feel alive."
it's me and my blind optimism to blame. You said. 
We should have know. You fucked me up.
deep down. 
This is all fucked up
It's me and my decision making skills.

You and your complicated life.
Things that you said still lingers in my head no matter how much i try to force them away.
I'll just stay here bleed and say, we are better off this way. 

I feel too much for you and dived too deep. staring at my phone. i know that you won't call anymore. that's cool, cuz now i see and i will be the best of me. 
I never thought that I can be this cool.
one day, it's all i need to get over it. 
one day. 

-this blog is for the broken hearts-
 -the sun is dead-

Old Trafford

This was one of my old drafts when i was in UK last year. 

I wonder why didn't i published it. Weird. 

Hello :)

I visited the Manchester United Stadium today.

Honestly I am not a football freak but the stadium was indeed magnificent.

Imagine the numbers of people during game time.

thousands and thousands of football fanatics cheering  

I am fortunate enough to cheer next week, immerse in the atmosphere.

The glory of the stadium itself is enough to have goosebumps.

Smell of the grass is so fresh on the perfectly cut field.

sitting in one of the seats, imagine David Beckham running.

Or Wayne Rooney trying to score a goal.

yeah that's about it, the players I actually know. LOL

walking around the stadium was tired enough, with my period and stuff.

Then we went to Manchester town.

I can only describe everything with a "Sigh" there.

Yeah. a sigh.

On the way home. I was thinking of you, again and again. 

Obviously your song was playing in my mp3.

This is your game, i wonder why am i so cool about letting you control the game?

What is this?

I miss your old whatsapp status. When you wrote my name.

Oh wonderful times. 

Erh I should've jot down words that came into my mind in the bus! 

damn!