Disaster Day 9

Day 9

Woke up to your text from last night.
Saying that you lost the bet.

You slept late watching football, I knew you couldn't wake up to work.
Purposely want you to sleep more.
I couldn't sleep well too. Thinking of last night.

The exhibition at KLCC was hectic.
I just couldn't stop thinking about that night.
The good part of it.
made me missed you more.

I wonder what are we right now?
It's not right to push you for answers, i am not going to do that anyway.
I'll just let things fall into places on their own.

It has been too long since we last talked on the phone before bed.
It was nice in a way.
and sad too.

you were. Cold.
so cold that i wonder, when can i ever, what can i ever, how can i ever really melt you heart?
am i not good enough?

I cannot undo what I've done, but I promise you I am learning so much and I would never do that anymore.

But. you are a paranoid ass hole, stubborn, having trust issues. I really wonder, who hurt you this much and made you, you.
What did they do to you.



All you thought about last night, all day were things that I've done that you weren't happy about. What about the things that you did, that hurt me so much, so deep? Think about it.  


  I love you 杰

Disaster Day 8

Day 8

I was still crying when they asked about us.

You were still the same.

But I'm glad that we met and had nice and comfortable conversation.  Until I mentioned him.

I guess I prefer to be honest to you rather than lying and hiding the truth.

I want you back. Yes I do.
I met him just because I needed someone to listen to me after what happened.
You were so cruel never giving me any second chance.

I want you back. Yes I do.
That is why I told you the truth.

I want you back. Yes I do.

Truth is I love you.
Truth is even what had happened between us I still love you.
Truth is no matter what who how other people get involved trying to take away our relationship my feelings towards you will never ever change.
Truth is I miss you so much I wish you feel what I feel every single fucking day.
Truth is I wished that you have more feelings.
Truth is for me you are worth it.

It hurts when you said you read my blog and what you feel is. Nothing.
You tar covered heart ass hole dick head.
How could you.
How could you feel nothing and I feel so much?


And you said you loved me
And you said you loved me
And you said you loved me.

Truth is. I can't live without you in my life everything is just not the same anymore without you.

Everything is so lifeless so dull without you.

Please come back to me soon.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 7

Day 7.

I can't believe it's already one week.
One week of suffering.
One week of feeling worthless and helpless.
One week of non stop crying and trying to act strong.

This is killing every piece of my soul.
I can't function without thinking of you.
memories of us are everywhere.

I wonder did your tar covered heart ever think of us.
maybe for a split second, maybe just for a second you think we still can work it out.
maybe you just feel like killing me bit by bit everyday.

I can laugh and be happy go lucky at work. but when the night comes.
I can't control. I miss you.

Somehow. I don't know why there's a voice in my head telling me to stop fighting.
But my heart says no. Hang on. He's worth it.

I guess I'll give this war a timeline.
after that I really need to pack up and go.
I will stop fighting and leave you alone.
If that's what you really want.


I tried chatting  with other guys. But it don't feel the same at all.
none of them are as funny as you, none of them are as crazy as you. none of them know me as much as you do. None.
I feel disgusting.

Maybe I am not ready for anyone else but you.
Deep down i hope that you still have feelings for me.

Still both of us know, you will never ever find another girl that loves you as much as i do.

I love you 杰 

Disaster Day 6

Day 6

Sunday was. Sunday.
I miss our Sunday mornings.

Woke up early, read your text. You are still firm with you decision.

I guess, there's no more love for me.
God i wish you can feel what I am feeling everyday.

Not a day went by without me crying.
Not a day went by without missing you.
Not a day went by without thinking of you.
Not a day went by without the urge to turn back time.

I thought I was getting better.
Went out with friends.
Ate good food, had fun chilling.
Yet, your shadows are everywhere.

I miss you. There's nothing more that i want right now. I just want to hug you like we used to.

I promised to fight for this relationship.
Everyone around me thinks that i am making a fool of myself.
I don't care what people say anymore.

for me. You are worth it.

Went for a jog last night just to get things off my mind.
I thought exercising makes me feel better,
But no.
I came back crying so much that i vomited.
Is it because of my period that i am so emotional.

I don't know. all i know is. I want you back. I will prove and fight for this.
To be a better person.
Even it means nothing to you. You said you don't care.

They told me to stop blaming myself for what happened, i can't.
I can't.

I miss you 杰 

Disaster Day 5

Day 5.

Meeting was insane at work. I was so exhausted. Gosh.
Kept my mind busy not thinking about you for a while at least.

Then my best friend ask me out for karaok.
I sang my heart out cried like a bitch.
I miss you so much. So much.

Avoiding all the songs that we used to sang together.  Avoiding songs that reminds me of us. But. I still cried.

I miss you.

We met last night. Things we better. At least we are having a decent conversation. You were firm with you decision.
What did I do to you until I don't deserve to be given any chance to change at all.

What happened was just a minor mistake that I sware would change.
You want to be friends. Getting friend zoned by you. Again.

Any how I made up my mind. I'm going to prove to you I will change and I will fight for you and this relationship. I don't care what other people say anymore.  I just know that you are what I really want.

Yes. You are worth fighting for.


I love you 杰

Disaster Day 4

Day 4.

I wasn't really happy or sad when I woke up. I guess I was feeling numb again..

But I feel like I can start my laptop again. The pain wasn't that bad anymore.

I can joke around with friends and colleagues.

Then. You texted me.
Boy. You don't know how much I missed talking to you. You will never know how bad it feels not to belong with you :'(

Had fun conversations.
Why do I feel like we are never getting back?
For such small thing it isn't worth it.
I want to fight for us. But please see that I'm fighting.

I never wanted you to read my blog. I write to ease my soul.
I love you. I still do. A lot.
It's so hard for me to get to this stage.


I really wonder. Have you got yourself a replacement :(


I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 3

Day 3.

Woke up feeling fairly positive.
slept alone with locked door. Good start anyway :)

Proud of myself.
was doing so good for the 1st half of the day.

Things were crazy at work.

Until. You ass hole bbm me.
Not to patch things back, you tore my healing wounds apart again.
That stupid text.
I wasn't ready to meet you. I couldn't.
How can you be so cruel?

Your heart must be covered by tars from the cigarettes. So black and thick. Your eyes, feelings blinded.

I can't believe I am this weak and vulnerable. How can a simple text from you affected me in so many ways.
I cried, again.
But I sure am lucky enough to have supportive friends and family. :)
Thank you for being there when I abandon all of you when I was living in my fantasy fairy tale.

Went swimming with my sister, had fun, real fun. Though the garden reminded me so much of us. It was the place we 1st met.

Maybe you thought of leaving me long time ago. I do wonder, is this just an opportunity for you to leave me? My heart says, "No"
Until today I still trust you in ways that I don't even understand. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Even though I am always telling you that "I don't trust you" but the fact is, I do. I know you.
Deep down that tar covered heart. Behind that smile.

Didn't eat much yesterday but i was able to finish my lunch :)
another good start.
I am always amazed by the fact that how two different people from totally separate life can come together and love each other so deep. But why do you need to end it this way?
I prefer you to talk me out of this relationship.
This relationship of us need closure. I need closure. It was so good to us, we need to end with respect.
Maybe getting back isn't an option anymore.

-just move on-

Disaster Day 2

Day 2

I woke up with a smile.
Day 2 was better. I can feel myself healing.

I feel like I can take on the world.

Tried to focus on my work but still can't seem to eat.

Day 2 was so much better. The pain seems to be lesser.

Had fun with my sisters singing my heart out, avoiding songs that remind me of you.
listening to advice and learning so much.

I really tried to kick your shadow. everything about you out of my mind.

Need to do more soul searching.
I slept alone with the door open tho.

I guess that's improvement.
Working on getting a new car.

-inject me with essence of positive-

Disaster Day 1

Day 1 of the collapse of my support system.

the same day my car got stolen.

The break up was bad and dramatic.
It was so sudden. so fast too emotional.

I was numbed. I couldn't spend the night sleeping alone. I had to sleep with my sisters.
I seek shelter. I was shivering.
He thought that giving back all the things i gave him means erasing all our memories. but he was so wrong.

I couldn't eat. I feel nauseous, I can't stop crying.
The sun has fallen. My world crumble. half of my soul gone.
Deleting pictures and videos of you in my phone means nothing.
I still miss you the same.

The fear of starting my laptop. fearing that i would accidentally click on one of our vids.

I tried begging wanting him back.
I guess. His heart just can't take me back anymore.
I can't stop crying.

Everything around me is you.
All of me.
The music, the food the place. you scent.
I miss his hugs. his jokes his voice. I miss him so much no words can describe how sorry I am.

I just wanted him to give me one more chance to make it right again. Just this one last time.
I told him I have learnt my lesson.
He wouldn't listen.
He acting so cruel makes me think that, did he ever love me?
was it as much as i did?
I said to not give up. He pushed me away. pushed away everything that we built.

If we ever got back together again. i promise to make this relationship stronger.
I promise not to repeat the same mistakes.

I am lucky enough to have friends and family to support me, to love me.
but
You promised not the throw me away anymore, but you still did.

I guess karma bites like a bitch.
-good bye-

Support system

knowing what I want in life is still a daily challenge.
living breathing waking up in the morning starts getting easier as the days gone by with you with me.

I have made you my support system. All these while I have been searching, for the piece that long missing.
For I have found you and you found me.

Yes, we have stupid fights. I call you ass hole. we made up, we fight again. Spending all the time with you. making me more vulnerable in the way that i need you more in my life than ever.

You are my support system. I just want to cling on to you. I've always said your smile is like the sun in so many ways.
Just one smile. one tiny little joke. you light up my day. No matter how bad my day is, you tend to have the magic to make me feel ok. 
Like, i can depend on you. 
like there's nothing to worry in the world.
like there's nothing out there for me to focus on except you. 
like there's nothing in the world that can call upon my soul except your voice. 

this explains why i always need to have you with me.
this is why only with you i feel free.

We had the most amazing time, going to arcades, having picnics, street performing our late night drives
even just spending time cuddling and watching movies means so much to me.

No matter how cruel and harsh you pretend to be, deep down under that mask, i know you. I know what you have for me. I know from that broken pieces of heart I can help you pick them all up and fix them back. 
You are all I want. 
Even we disagree on so many things, yet, there are so many other things that we agree on. We have the same vision for life. 

from everything that is bad about you, i want to only see the good side of them.

I am not sure about shit. You are the only thing that I am 101% sure.
I guess relationship is all about forgiving compromising and accepting each others.
Thank you for accepting my flaws, my snores, my craziness, my sudden mood swing.

There are times where we feel like giving up on each other, or even gave up. Sometimes I wonder, why should we?
It wasn't easy for us to finally have this bond, why break it? Why must we ruin this beautiful amazing relationship that we built?
I am still learning to control so much. and this is only so much i could do.
I am so sorry. for literary everything. 
Watching videos of you singing, that tiny sparkle in your eyes. As if you sing the song of my heart. serenade my soul.

I said, you are my life. always is, always will be. nothing can change that. 
I am writing this to repair whatever is broken, for me being selfish, for me to want more than you can give.
I can't promise you anything.
All i can promise is, you have me. 

Sorry for being so cheesy.
Sorry for not updating anything.

All i can say is there's only good times with you that I cherish so much that i don't want to share with the world.
I am selfish like that.
I love like that. 
I am insane, head over heels in love with this jerky ass hole dick head.
I love you noob. 


-Always- 

Wild hearts

Months since i clicked this link.

Waiting for me.

My fingers itching to dance on the key board like they used to so very long ago. 

The past few months have been magical. 

Chinese New Year was great, just like I expected.

Family time with the cousins. Eating lots and lots of food. 

being free 

Free from anything that would kill my freedom. 

laughing like there's no tomorrow. 

Work. Work. Work.

how can I ever love you? be passionate about you?

Expectations.

Achievements.

Pleasing people.

commitments. 

Walking gracefully, shoulders back chin up. wearing heels and skirts and shirts so tight so neat

make up on, the only thing that I am fighting to keep is my messy hair. 

I love my hair messy, the flow of it. 

I can barely recognize myself. 

Is this life? Is this?

the money, life and happiness, controversial conversation, discussions, arguments never stop.

I just want to run. Run away. 

run away with music.

run away with you.

each and every mistakes and scoldings and embarrassment i got from work just disappears when you are with me.

But. no one understands. all they ever see is the obvious difference. the outer shell that will never define who you are and who i am. 

That shallow surface is all they want to see. 

Funny, they knew treasures are buried deep under. 

Thank you for loving me the way you love  me. 

This cage. How can i ever breakthrough it?

My friends said I live for love. I live to love.

I love, to survive.

I will never get the happiness that I've always yearn for.

so now. Let me embrace life. let me go. 

-hearts are wild creatures. and you caught mine.- 

    

 

The past

Past.

Your past - your shadow.

Your shadow that I hate to even look at it.

The shadow that never seem to leave us alone.

Everything you do it seem to follow.

Everything you do, got to do with it.

I am selfish,

the fact that I am trying to accept your past is hard enough for me to swallow. 

The fact that your past used to hurt me so bad.

The fact that your past made you who you are today. 

The fact that I love you so much that I pushed everything down my throat.

The fact that it's so unfair that they got so much from you, and all I get is shadows. 

 Bits and pieces of them

memories of them still lingers 

the way that songs, places, things, cars, words, food, feelings that reminds you of them. 

the way you tell me your stories.

they are killing me each time. each time that you think of them when we are together.

Promises and lies.

there's no way, no body can change anything.

I'll just swallow everything alone.

This is going to be a lonely road.

and I'll walk because you are what I've always wanted. 

I put my past away, I thought, we are starting a whole new book.

I guess, you couldn't resist but to add some of your past in.

 

Your dark humor that I never understand.

You have no idea how much I hated the fact that she won your heart before I did. 

because of her,

You pushed me aside. 

You hurt me. 

because of her, i had to suffer alone. 

because of her, you have memories of her stuck in you.

because of them. 

It's just matter of time till I explode. 

I just need to let things out guys. 

call me dumb call me stupid.

call me blind.

then you came back. I welcome you with open arms. not knowing what will happen. 

because. I love you. 

-it's not just the heart, it's always the heart and physical pain- 

2014

What's the best way to end the year?  

Mine is, get a midnight kiss and to say good bye 2013, Hi 2014. 

I did not set any resolution this year. New year resolutions are for noobies! LOL
Nah. I'm just really comfortable in this stage of my life right now.

I got a job
I got a car
I got you.

what more can i ask for? Besides getting in shape? 
Well, being in shape is kinda like a whole life goal, i would not consider it as my resolution. 

Honestly, this year is totally different, I mean, new year, it's just another day.
Another day. another day. 
It's like any other day.
There's nothing like entering into a new time zone.

Maybe it's because when in school we change classes meet new friends, but this year, it's just. another holiday. 
don't get me wrong, this is not a depressing post. 
I mean, I do look forward for good things to happen. 
This is going to be an excellent year. :) I hope. 

and it's a miracle that i'm writing this without any music. 
just an open window with some evening breeze and the setting sun. 


Life is good. 
Change is good. 
I guess the only thing i really want now is to do better in my job.
Focus and break through. 
to love something that i never thought i would 
and to be comfortable with my new name new personality is really hard.

but life is just a theater. Let the best actress win. 
Looking forward to Chinese New Year. :) 
I miss my cousins, gosh i just want to hug, squeeze and kiss all of them.

there's this one thing that i hope will not happen to me, that is, no matter how lonely and weird i am. I do not want to spend new year eve or any festive season alone.

I will at least get myself a cat. or a puppy. or maybe a cat. :) 

and lebuh raya bermula. Lets race. 

-don't leave me, ok?-