What would happen if we broke up

After a series of chaos and drama in my life.

It has come to a point where my mother wants to meet him.

we don't know what is the outcome. 

I can't even predict. So i will think the worst of it. 

What would happen if we broke up.

1. I will probably be depressed as fuck. 0 self esteem.

2. Lost all my appetite. 

3. I would probably hate everyone around me. Blaming everyone for the breakup. Other people in my life would probably be happy. This is what they want, and this is the sacrifice they want. 

4. I wont smile anymore.

5. I will spend most of my time hiding in my room.

6. I will probably cry my eyes out.

7. I will just waste life away.

8. I will probably cling onto the things that he given me.

9. Probably need to force myself to delete all our pictures and videos of him. 

10. I will talk way lesser. 

11. Probably will think of committing suicide but will change my mind because it is a stupid idea. (or maybe i will do it. Who knows?) 

12.   I will be crying to every single song we sang together.

13. Lots and lots of crying

14. Life will be empty.

15. My phone will be so quiet. 

16. I will probably write more blog post. 

17. Maybe get myself a cat. 

18. Still hating everyone tho. 

19. probably dying from starvation and starting to eat more than usual. 

20. I will probably be like a zombie. 

21. Driving in my car is a torture.

22. Waking up every morning thinking to give him the usual morning call but i probably shouldn't. 

23. hating myself for myself. 

24. I will probably be single with 10 cats.

25. I will start talking to myself.

26. Sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. 

27. life is a living hell

28. I will run away. Yes, just run away. 

29. Run away to a place so far where nobody can reach me and control my feelings.

30. or i will just stay and function like a robot, so that everyone is happy for my sacrifice. 

31. Maybe i will just waste life away. or quit my job or move away.

32. I think breathing will also be difficult for me. 

33. you will slowly see the light in me fade away. 

34. It has come to point where there's no use hating people, and people getting sick of me being depressed.

35. I probably should go seek help. 

36. or i will give up my basic human rights and just let them arrange everything. 

37. everything will probably be black and dull.

38. still hating people. and maybe don't believe in love anymore. 

39. Start to have doubt in everything.

40. clueless.  

I can't think of anything positive to write. not a single one. 

What is so wrong about being in love with the person i love?

What is so wrong about being in love with a Malay guy?

Money is important, why don't you trust us that we can build our future together?

If religion is something good why would it affect my relationship with my family? 

If there's a God somewhere, and God is Love. why are we suffering from this?

Suffering just because we fell in love. 

Everyone is telling me what to do and how to feel.
How can you tell a person how to feel?
The way they say it is so easy as tho i have no feeling of hurt.
The way they say it is as tho i never loved him and our love is cheap.
The way they say go chase your dreams. Is as tho he is not part of my dream.
They way they don't make him your source of happiness as tho they have never been in love.

Talk is cheap. You are not me. You will never know how i feel. how i see things.
Yes, i love getting advice and love from other people.
at the end of the day, do you really know how i feel?

You may say I am stupid I am dumb a dreamer unrealistic. If love is a joke. Why do we even love? Why am i feeling things? or am i delusional? Why it hurts so bad. so bad to let him go? As if it is sucking every single piece of life out of me. 

I am not a demanding person. I just wan't to be with the guy i adore and love. 

What is so wrong when i know he loves me back too. 

If you say i am stupid to make him part of my life, you probably haven't been in love before.

If you say that I have my family and I should sacrifice for them, then why do we have feelings?

Why do we need to find life partners and fall in love?

If you say that i am desperate and useless and I can't live without a man, why God created  Man and Woman? 

  

-Who gives who the right to say he is not the right one for me?-

I am FAT

I really shouldn't be doing this but. fuck it
just hope that my boss is not secretly reading my blog.
I used to blog at work during the dark times.

That is only during the dark times.
too much emotion.
too much work load. This is the only place that i can channel all my emotions where no one is gonna screw me because i talk too much.

so. We had this conversation last night.
about not going public about our relationship.
I am absolutely cool about not putting relationship status on facebook.
I am sometimes insecure.
Oh. no. I am an insecure bitch.
Things got pretty uncomfortable.
Yet we manage to put out the fire.
Good Job to both of us! :)

I honestly never ever thought that my body.
me being fat is an issue to anyone.
Like seriously? You ain't supermodel too you know. Who the fuck gives you the right to judge?
Just get over it.

and i had that same old nightmare again last night.
I hate getting dreams like that.
No. I shouldn't call it dream, it happened.
That night was real. So real that it hit me badly.
I am such a drama queen.
But seriously, It still haunts me every now and then.

So now, the temporary solution to avoid anyone getting hurt is to not be seen together.
Oh yes. can't believe I am doing this. guess i really am in love with this ass hole.
and because I know. our relationship is so much more than that.
So much more than being teased by stupid brainless people.
so much more. so why should we even consider what they say?
Why can't we take it as if they are farting or barking?
they are shallow.
you know you are so much more than that.
you are so much better.

And the mother of solution is me losing all these base.
yes. Losing weight. No matter how hard or how much i try.
I still come back to ground 0.
Lord knows I've tried.
Trying to be positive.
I am doing this for myself.
Yes. this is like my life goal.
Imagine meeting Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson.

you know. my friends are not as skin deep as yours.
but there are still so many things that i am being judge for
no, i am not going to point out your flaws because that is not what you are  made of.
It is because i know this relationship
it is because you are not what they think

and it is because i know you love me.


FOCUS. ACHIEVE. TARGET.
FAT.

Space and Time. Me.

I am living in my own world. Always was.

After what happened few months back, my life now is like a dream.

sometimes i doubt myself. Is this reality or am i hallucinating. 

Living between space and time.
Having you in my life is already almost impossible. 
You loving me is just beyond any words, any love letter, any love poem, any romantic comedy. 
None can describe the feelings that i have for you and never want to let go.

Well, all good thing comes with a price.
you, especially, A price I can barely afford. 

We know our problem. we know.
So today I will talk about this huge part of my life that i rarely want to admit to be a problem.
Honestly, I am a self absorbed person.
Yes I am. I feel that i am beautiful, yes there's nothing wrong with feeling beautiful.

There's just one huge problem. I am a very BIG girl. and by big i mean, my shoulders are freaking broad. and my legs skinny. 
My back fats (flabby and flabbo) and huge boobs, my body builder arms. My broad broad shoulders.
Basically my body is a upside down triangle. 

in short layman's term. I am fucking fat. 

So one day, I decided to feel skinny, to want to go support him on the field like any normal skinny girl friend would. Unfortunately, i was so happy in love i forgotten about other people's perception on me.
Then, he became the laughing stock. then he became the joke. then he got hurt. then i got hurt. 
In the end. we got hurt. i was frustrated. I was confused.
Then i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy all this while. 
He made me feel so confident and good about myself that i never thought other people's perception would hurt him so much.
I never thought that i would face this thing. this stupid childish shallow thing anymore.
only then, i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy land. 

Since that night, that confession, that unforgiving, undeniably cruel truth. 
I stop hanging out with his friends. we stop meeting his friends together,
then, during nights like this, i would feel so worthless. so ugly and horrible so sad so depressed.
monster that haunts me years and years ago, sucking away all my confidence and happiness 

But i understand, this doesn't mean that he don't love me. 
I can't be selfish and only think for myself, he don't deserve this shame.
being with me is like bringing shame to his reputation among his friends.
This is just cruel reality.

That was the price i had to pay. that was the price that i am struggling to pay.

Maybe not him. maybe if i were to fall in love with some random Chinese guy the same thing would happen.
This is just reality. 

I work hard. yes i do.
The process is long.
He said he will never be ok unless everyone's blind. 

Yes it hurts. every single word hurts.
it hurts even more when i knew he had to face his friends.
Their endless fat jokes.
Their endless shaming. 
His reputation.

This is the price i had to pay.
and yes. honestly. my heart is broken into thousand pieces. yes i am sad. and yes i cry every night before bed hoping that i was born skinny and pretty.

Yes this is all fucked up.
I feel like Quasimodo the hunch back of notro dame.

But I love him. He loves me.

there's nothing we can do.
no wonder for him, we are fragile.
for him this relationship will crumble anytime.
for him, he has no confident in this relationship. 


But i love him.

Love.





he wrote me a song. 

reality is just too complicated for a simple human like me. 

This is a weekend blog

What to write on a weekend blog?

and here i go after a month of not updating anything.

Can i just be naked all day and lie on my bed.

Listening to sexy songs all day long.

eating cachos 

eating nachos

eating all day long.

The fountain of inspirations and words for blog had dried up

no matter how much i tried to squeeze.

nothing.

not a drop of idea.

maybe i am living a life that is so empty that i have absolutely nothing at all to write about.

or am i living in a life that is so fully with schedules and routine that every day is just the same to me.

or life itself is nothing when i had to cut my hair and change my name. 

It's time for an adventure.

It was already a year after UK.

I need a life. 

What is life when you spend most of your time stuck in the jam.

working. doing paper works

eating lunch

stuck in the jam again

cursing yourself for stupid decisions

going to the gym to sweat the fuck out just to be accepted.

going home thinking what to have for dinner.

sleep. sleep is the only escape. 

i hate getting nightmares that i cant explain.

I hate getting nightmares that are just memories of the past.

I hate getting the feeling again of the night you pushed me away.

well, damn, it a weekend blog.

feel like taking a shit.

It isn't fair to compare someone's life to someone else's life. 

I am grateful for what i have. just complaining about the life i am having

and how i wish i could just run.

and escape.

 

-hold my hands, lets go for an adventure baby-

31.08.2014

With every death comes with a new born.
Every end of a life comes with a new life.

31 August is significant to me in so many ways.
It's my birthday
It's the day my great grandmother passed away
It's Malaysia's national day.

Everyone say that I am lucky and "special" to be born on that day.
fact is, i never felt special. it's not like i have extra pair of hands or anything
It's just like any other birthdays.

My birthday this year was fun. way fun.
I am tired of huge parties, crowds, alcohol and loud music.
I appreciate spending with my family the one i love.
Went Seremban on my birthday, and i got the best gift i could ever ask for, a small little birthday card made by my cute little cousins.
The last time i received an actual birthday card was years ago.
and they draw, colored it with cute stickers. what more can i ask for?

The best part was all of them sang birthday songs. oh the voice of little children singing is like angles from heaven.

I was in UK last year when she passed. I was in UK last year when i celebrated my 22nd birthday.
time flies.
I really don't know what to feel.
I am confused, and mad and sad and happy. emotions, overwhelmed.

I miss her. i definitely do.
I hate that she did not say good bye.
and why must it be on my birthday?
This is a curse, a day that i would never ever forget.

Being 23 means I am one year older.
Not much changes tho.
I am the same old yoke, except more responsibilities.


So, the day went by, like any other day, like any other day would past.
the day still went by despite it's Malaysia's National day.
despite it's my birthday.
therefore. I conclude there's nothing special about being born on this day.
therefore, birthday means celebrating with love ones, not get drunk and crazy
therefore, i miss you more, and more each day.

I remembered celebrating your birthday.
I remembered that smile of yours.
I remembered every single fucking thing.
I hope you do too.

-i still love you like I did last year today-  
-Happy Birthday Yoke-

City Streets

I did not commit suicide.
No self destruction what so ever.
I am still here.
Minus the major depression
Minus the inspiration to write.

It was only recently, just recently the urge to write was so strong, how can I ignore this sacred calling.
Internet connection at my new place sucks. shit. damn you P1. damn you.

I love watching street performance. I guess it was in me all along. all this time, until we,
yes we came across this place.
How did we came across this place?
Was it coincidence or was it planned. I don't know.
It happen one night, when we were randomly strolling down the city streets,
then, we heard music. clear loud music, since then, that was our favorite place.

What i know is once I'm there, I don't ever wanna leave, it was beyond magical.
Not all of us understand,
not all of us feel the way we felt,
the ambiance,
the people,
the music especially.

People from all stages of life,
from all kind of society, gather for the same purpose - music.

They, the street performers,
human by day, when the night come the monster in them, unleashed.
You will never expect the music they play.
They are so passionate, it is as though when they perform, they submit them self completely,
body, mind, heart and soul.
Their music is genuine, their music is pure, their music is sincere.
from the song they play, you can obviously feel that they did not do this for money. They are in paradise.

At this moment, I feel we are not so different after all,
we are the same, we are equal.
The love for music.
the sound of the guitar, drum, bass, vocalist serenade us.
This is not Kuala Lumpur, this is beyond what the city claims it is.
This is the city I live in. The city that gather people from everywhere.
The city that makes us one.

The ending of a story is always the beginning of another.
I am the story writer.

Yes, I still love him like I love writing.


-feels good to write again- 

Disaster Day 20. War has ended.

Day 20

Went busking with you yesterday.

All those memories.about us.
It was fun at first.
but
you put up that wall all the time.

It really hurt me.
a lot.
how can you be cruel and feel nothing when we go to our favorite place together?
how can you do this to me?

I love you so much. so much.

Sometimes  i feel, it's time to let go.
If you feel nothing towards me but friends, and there will never be a chance of us getting back.
please let me go and stop giving me hope.

I really need you.
all you gave was, nothing.

I don't understand what is it to be afraid.
I promise you I would change.
I really promise you.

I just need you to give me a chance. Why is it so difficult.
If you feel that this 6 months is nothing and you feel that our love is so weak that one small thing like that can destroy it. then, just let me go.


Day 20. The war has ended. No use fighting for what's not worth it.
No use fighting for you anymore
No use fighting for people that will never appreciate me.

You will always have a special place in my heart 杰。
I love you. I still do.

Disaster Day 19

Day 19

you said 12 more days and it's a month since we broke up.
can it not be?
:'(

It all feels the same doing the same thing we used to do.
For me at least.
But you. You put that wall up all the time.

Yesterday was more than intense.
Don't you feel it too?

I wonder what are you waiting for.
Who are you waiting for.
What am I to you?

I will never believe you if you say you feel nothing but just friends.
:'(


I miss you. 杰

Disaster Day 18

Day 18

I just want you to know that no matter what other people think about you
say about you, judge you.
I don't care. I know the real you.
The one deep down in there.
I don't care what mean things they say.
I don't care.
all the shit things that people say about us about you, I'll just pretend that they are barking.

I believe in you. You are not what they think.
You are so nice and smart.
Kind and funny.
Sharp and talented.
no body can love like you.
That are the things I see in you.


I just want you to know that even every single person in this world don't trust you,
please know that I am here.
I will always be on your side. no matter what.

People call me stupid call me dumb. I don't care.
I just hope you see me the way I see you
and love me back like you used to.

:(
not, just as friends.
I want to be your friend, your partner, your shoulder to cry on, your cuddle puff, your life.
I want to be yours and you mine.

You don't need to be afraid. Let me protect you now. I will protect you.
I am not them. They are bitches that broke your heart, I will never ever let them touch you not now not ever.
I won't do any thing that will break your heart anymore. I swear.
You can trust me. You know that.
So give me your hands. Let me hold on to them, lets start again, moving forward, this time, together forever.

Come back to me.

I love you. Always.

Disaster Day 17

Day 17

Went karaok with friends yesterday.

It was fun.
but. nothing is fun without you.

I miss our karaok sessions
and i would be your number 1 fan.

I miss you singing and looking me in the eyes.

I have not much to say.
just hope that someday you would come back to me.

you said you miss me yesterday.  I wonder is it true?


:(

it kills me.
You don't know I am blaming myself everyday.
Every single fucking day. All I'm thinking is all my fault all my fault I am going crazy!

Every fucking seconds for what had happened 17 days ago.
How long do you wanna see me suffer.?

Please. Come back to me

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 16

Day 16

I'm such a trouble to everyone.
I hope that I can get my car soon.

Like real soon.

Yesterday was as calm.
We did text.
You were all funny and cute

I really wonder why are you waking up late this whole week?
Why are you so tired?
What did you do after our phone conversation?
I just block out any negative thoughts of you.

I block it all out. I want to trust you. I don't understand why.

I am really getting use to giving you space. Wishing that you would miss me more.
Sadly you only miss me a little. :(

I miss you.
I hate to say this but I need you back.

Come back to me soon :')

I love you 杰

You are all of them combined. 

Disaster Day 15

Day 15

Same old unproductive day yesterday.
It really suck shit not having a car.
people despises you.
All those trouble just because of me.

I hate myself.
I hate the car stealing low life fucking shit face son of a bitch.
Can he die? Please die a horrible death. Please die a horrible death and no one is there to claim the body.

You were so mean to say it's a lesson for me.
Well you are not 100% wrong. :(
You stupid wall is still up.
:(

It was raining like hell yesterday after work.
Had to wait for cab under the rain.
I was about to go home, but then, i changed my mind.why not?
I went to you.

It's our little tradition that I would always go to you whenever it rains.
and we would sit in my car, waiting for the rain to stop.
and we would listen to music, play games.
raining hugs and kisses are the best. I miss them. I really miss them.

You were happy. I think. You smiled. :)

Yesterday was dull as usual.
I feel color fading from my life.
I miss our crazy adventures.
I miss our little missions to find for food or shops or just somewhere new.
I need you back, partner.

I need you. Please come back to me soon.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 14

Day 14

2 weeks since you left me.
Felt like it has been months or even years. painstaking days :(

Yesterday was as dull as before.
took full public transport to work.
am I pampering myself too much?
got used to having a car. taking public transport seems like a pain.

I was weird you asked me why did i start jogging.
I thought you wanted me to have my own life?

besides, running makes me think more, i can see things clearer.

Had long phone calls with you yesterday.
planning for our next road trip.
This is fun.
until you mentioned him.

Why do you need to mention him and spoil everything?
Why?
Yes, it's my choice to go meet him that night.
There's no explanation for what I've done, i just needed someone to comfort me and he seem like the right person that time.

and yes it's your choice to chose her first before me, 
and it's your choice too to hurt me before. 
It's also your choice to let her into your life. 
It's your choice to make her fall in love with you. 
It's your choice to "help" her with her shit that has nothing to do with you.
It's your choice to push me away and pull her in. It's your choice. 

Yes, I met him but i did not push you away, i did not chose him. 
Yes I met him but all i can think about was you, you. 

Where were you when i was crying and trying to pull you back to me?
Where were you when i was crying and shivering inside out?
Where were you when i needed you the most?
Where were you when i needed hugs?
Where were you when my car went missing and i needed you with me?

Where were you when i want to get back?
Where were not there when i need you.

There's no reason for me to go back to him.
You know how much i love you.
You know how much i want you back.
You know nothing happen between me and him.
You know I can get back to him by just one phone call, but i am not going to do it because i know you are the one for me.
You know. I can, but I won't ever see him again.


you wanted me to trust you. so where is your trust to me? 
do not put me in the same place as your exes. i am nothing like them. they are nothing like me.
they will never, can never love you as much as me. 

I need my partner back. I really do.
where are you?
come back to me soon.

I love you 杰