Stranded

I feel stranded on an island. 

for my whole life I have been this indecisive person.

for my whole life, i rarely make major decisions. 

for my whole life, i just listen and accept.

for my whole life i have been rebellious for no certain reasons. 

What am i fighting for?

why do i rebel if it is me that chose to listen and follow?

I don't blame anyone.

for i am the one doing the listening and following.

I am my own doom. 

when life stretches you until you can't be stretched there are only 2 choices. 

1. you bounce straight back and hit that mafaker in the face.

2. you break.

I broke down. because i am weak. 

I thought i would be happy living in the city,

driving my own car

having a so called "career" 

and parents would be so proud talking about their eldest because she is working in the city.

and that she can manage her own life.

unfortunately, I am always a small town girl.

always the sweaty awkward fat girl standing in the middle of a cross road.

indecisive.

the city overwhelmed me. 

I can't take the pressure of doing shit that i hate.

every single fucking day, waking up to a job that was per arranged. 

waking up thinking what did i get myself into?

driving to work, into that shit hole. 

I am so not happy with life. I am really unhappy.

i am so unhappy that i cry a lot.

and crying is nonsense. 

and crying for no reason is also nonsense.

crying, having tears streaming down is nonsense.

My father thinks that I am ungrateful.

he himself suffered for 29 years of having a job that he dislike. 

He said, at least it pays the rent and put food on the table.

a job that eats him up for 29 years raised 3 of us.

he said this is life.

but i believe, there's always a choice. 

i can be happy working  and still earn the same amount of money.

I can still pay rents and feed myself.

and i can be happy.

all I've been doing is accepting.

accepting that this is life.

that this is how it is.

sounded just like someone that i used to love.

accepting his imperfections.

but i chose not. 

a relationship is not about accepting imperfections and tolerating.

a relationship, for me at least, is loving each others imperfection.

you've got to love their imperfections. 

because, how much can you accept in a life time?

so here i am, stranded.

I should have stand firm

stay strong 

keep believing in my dreams.

that there will be a place that i belong.  

I am in a state where i don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to quit and withdraw myself for everything.

Just let me go.

I miss the ocean.

24 years of breathing fresh ocean air.

24 years of waking up to the sea.

I miss it all.

I have had my fun in the city, the day trip is over, time for me to go home. 

My sister thinks that this is bull shit and i am stupid for saying all this.

no one understands.

I just need to find a place where i belong. 

come take me away. to a place where dreams exist. 

run away from the cruel reality.

-I have got to stay firm, because this time, i will run.-