truth hurts.

I was talking to a good friend of mine about God and that everything happens for a reason.
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.

Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.

I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.

You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."

Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.

He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.

The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.

The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?

Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.

One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.

Why?

Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.

Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.

Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.

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