was i ever happy?

Was I ever happy?
i have been asking myself this question for a gazillion times.
i mean was i?
Even with Jay, was i really happy?

I dont think people know unhappy I am with life,
with myself, with this bullshit.
I dont think people know, because behind all my stupid jokes
no one know how i cry myself to sleep almost every night.

I dont think i am a very happy person.
but.
Life is decently good now a days.
No drama.
No crazy party and mindless hook ups.

Life is simple, but is this all?
Is this all i want?
Was i happy 3, 4 even 5 years back?
I don't know.
I really don't.

in my quest of searching for happiness I have gotten myself more broken than ever.
I solve people's problem at work, but I don't even know how to sort out my own mess.

Maybe i stopped being happy when the world smack my face, telling me that I need to be at a certain weight, look a certain way so that people fancy me.
All these years I fought hard.
I was never a strong girl, the best I can do is give my signature smile.

I am sorry that all my posts are not motivational or encouraging. I wish I am more positive.

Honestly, I miss Jay, I really do, every waking moment and I am tired of lying to everyone including myself,
I never know that getting over him is this hard.
I remembered that rainy evening, just like today.
He told me "sebenarnya tak susah, you sendiri yang fikir susah."
That was when I asked him how he got over me so quickly.
I guess he never really loved me.
I was the one that gave my all, my heart.
Oh. My precious heart.
I don't know what have I done to it.

I really don't want Jay back anymore.
cross my heart. I don't want to restart whatever nonsense relationship we had.
I am just, sad.
I don't understand. Even if the genie gave me 1 wish to restart things with Jay.
I would have rejected him.
I don't want you back anymore. I mean it's not like he is coming back.
He is not ever coming back. ever.
that's the thing.
I am so hurt by him not even looking back.
As if I am this worthless piece of nothing, his biggest mistake.
He said "I yang bodoh pilih you."
How can anyone say that to someone.
I don't even say it to the people i dislike.
I just feel so broken and every time i try to pick up all the broken pieces i end up cutting myself more.
What should I do?
am i not worthy?
if God knows my pain, why is he stalling time?
Why he allow Jay to be happy with another girl that is going to be his potential wife.
Why?
I highly doubt that she is better than me.
but this is just me right?
If she is not better than me, he wouldn't have picked her.

He would have at least apologize.
I don't even know if him apologizing will do any good.
but him feeling guilty makes me feel better.
Jay, you said you love me though. You said "I janji I takkan tinggalkan you"
When you wrote that song for me. Janji Jaga Cinta. Why do you mean by that?
Your mom likes me. We took care of Daisy.
We had a dream. We had plans together remember?

What have I done to be this devastated.
I swear I am not strong. at all. It might seems that way.
Things are just wrong. 

People are telling me "he is not worth it. His loss. He lost someone that love him so much."
If this is true, why am i still so. unhappy. depressed even.
Depression is a big word and I do not want to put any label on my mental state.
This is just how i feel.

More than a week to 2018.
This year, the 1st picture will not be with you anymore.
This year, Christmas will not be like the years before.
Remember the time when you wanted to take selfies with the huge Swarovski tree in Pavilion.
I missed that.

I don't know what more damage can 2018 do to me.
but bring it on. I have nothing left for anyone to break.
I practically do not care. Thinking about life, makes me want to punch a wall every time.
takes a lot to suppress.

and yeah. The answer to was I every happy is still.
I don't know.

-merry fucking Christmas-