Anxiety

I've been having anxieties. Unease restless feeling.
This is bad.
real bad.

I will randomly feel the urge to call you, text you, rush over to you.
I will feel mad and pissed and feel like punching you.
I will feel depressed.
No matter how hard i tried to push the thought and feelings away.
It just wont go. Its like a cloud hovering over me.
comes and go as it wish.

I found 2 ways to actually calm myself down.
chewing gum and cigarettes.

This is bad, i really thought that i am over you.
I thought that life isn't that bad after all.
My friends and family are super supportive and caring.

But yet. I can't. I honestly can't do it anymore.

People are telling me do not show my weakness to the world doesn't seem possible.
You seems perfectly fine.
I mean, I can't stalk you or anything because your pussy ass blocked me everywhere.
But by the sound of it, you seems to be doing real good.

I sometimes wonder, what on earth got into you.
was my mistake that big of a deal. Do i even deserve all these?
How could you?

After you said you love me.
Love is such a strong word to you.

After you said I was your soul mate.

I really hope that we can somehow talk.
I need closure.
I need to feel better, i can't let myself drown in this pool of misery forever.

I have no idea how, but i somehow wish that fate brings us back again.

After all that you have done, i still want you back.
I may be pissed and angry, but i really do will love you.

This is so fucked up.

Why is this so hard? I mean come on, why?
why can't i be as happy as him?

Blocking me on social media doesn't mean that you can erase our past.
I pray that our memories haunt you till your last breath.

The weather this week was horrible thunder storms and heavy rain.
I wonder if you still remember that i hate thunder and lightning.

Remember when we were at Eagle Ranch Resort for our 2nd annual trip, if i am not mistaken, it was pouring rain that night.
We were in our tiny little teepe room.
The thunder woke both of us up, you hugged me so tight, cover my ears till i fell asleep.
Whenever we were on bike rides, you would hold my hand so close to you and kiss them when we sang.

You were always nice to me.

I really worry that no one can ever top that off.

I guess we show each other our worst and our best.

Or am i the one that is haunted by my own memories.