because I really miss him, or am i not letting him go yet?
Someone once told me, to feel happy again is letting go, is to forgive him.
everything about him. everything he did.
then i thought.
How to forgive him?
When he left me via whatsapp?
How to forgive him?
When I went to him on 19 February 2017 mid night, day before his birthday. He was hiding in his house.
I knocked and knocked on his door hoping he would come out and we would sort this out.
I was trying to fight for us, our relationship.
I was trying to rescue us. Hoping you'd still come to Avilion PD where i booked a room to celebrate your 26th birthday.
He did not even want to come out.
He said via whatsapp "I tak nak tengok muka you. You bla. baik you bla sebelom mak i balik. kalau mak i tahu you kat sini i akan buat hidup you susah. tolong jangan kacau i lagi"
I was sitting on the floor in front of his house for hours long. he did not came out. so i left.
How to forgive him?
When i went to him for the 2nd time to clear my head, 4 months after the break up.
It was drizzling, i waited for him in the rain at his bike below his office building. that bike that we used to ride around town, looking at amazing sun sets.
I waited for what seems like a decade.
when i saw him came down, he was texting and smiling to his phone.
I knew. immediately, he was texting with another girl.
He did talked to me but, I can't see the old Jay anymore in his eyes.
He said "I dah tak sayang you."
and lied saying that the reason for the breakup is my parents wont ever accept him.
Which is total bull shit.
How to forgive him?
When he used to tell me if one of us give up on this relationship, then everything will fall apart. Look what he did.
How to forgive him?
When I found out he was texting Ififififiyyyyyyyyy whoever that whore is,
he put the blame on me.
He said he needed someone to talk to and she was just a friend.
How to forgive him?
When he made so many empty promises?
How to forgive him?
When he is constantly threatening to break up with me when something bad happens to our relationship?
How to forgive him?
When he wrote a song for me and it is meaningless now.
How to forgive him?
When all I can ever think of is his smile when he used to come pick me up with him old bike.
How to forgive him?
When he was so far from perfect but i loved every inch of him.
How to forgive him?
When I thought we were stable and solid and he was the one for me.
How to forgive him?
He left me, even he know me so well and whatever he did would crush my soul.
He did it anyway, in a horrible way.
How to forgive him?
When he used to surprise me with kittens and i have none now.
How to forgive him?
When i know he and his sisters will just laugh at the state i am in now.
How to forgive him?
After he left I am the one having all the heart break and misery when he is happily fucking other girls.
How to forgive him?
When he rather chose some low class Malay rempit girl that wears platform slippers over me.
How to forgive him?
I feel so shitty about myself. Like i will never be and wont be good enough for anyone to love me.
How to forgive him?
When he didn't have the balls to break up nicely with me after 4 years of knowing each other.
How to forgive him?
When he left me right after he said" I promise i will make it up to you, i will make our relationship better" 24 hours after that. he dumped me. via fucking whatsapp.
How to forgive him?
When he said "No matter what happens or how bad our situation is, we will always go back to each other"
How to forgive him?
When i know i will never love again. How can i ever love or trust anyone again?
How to forgive him?
After all the annual trips all the adventures.
How to forgive him?
When his fucking house is right in front of my balcony. every inch of our neighborhood is our memories.
How to forgive him?
When i know he and all his new girl friends would laugh at me after all i did for him.
How to forgive him?
When he promised to fight for us, to overcome my parents and all the people that are against us.
How to forgive him?
When he fucking ruin my life plan. I planned to get married before 30 and start my small little family with 2 cats. and look at me now?
I don't even know how to stop eating anymore.
How to forgive him?
all i want now is to be happy again, like i used to.
my life is so far away from happiness.
so. help me.
- fuck you, MUHAMMAD NAZIR BIN AWANG ALIAS.-
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