Birthday Month.

I can't believe it has been 6 months.
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.

I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.

31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.

This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.

Seriously FUCK LOVE.

Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?

HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.

HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.

I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?

Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.

After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.

I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.

Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.

1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.

I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.

- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-