Cinta Palsu

I got this blog title from some ass hole that wasted my good night sleep.
A lot has happened since.
It has been almost 6 months now.
I can't say that i have completely let go.
how i wish i have the ability to select things that i want to remember and things that are too painful to forget.

I have been going out with a handful of guys but none of them stayed.
liars, cheaters, scumbags was all i found.
maybe it was me, and the type of guy i prefer, forever trying to find pieces of you in them.
maybe it was me, that i was too naive

Why is it so hard to just forget and let go?
How can the past be more beautiful than my current state?
Jay,
You not only exile me from your life.
But you exile me from life itself.

I lost all hope and faith in relationships or in love.
or trust anyone in general.
It is so hard for me to accept that you are happily living your life.
but i am struggling to stay alive.

Throughout all the guys that i have dated, one stood out.
Hercules.
I thought this is it, I am hitting the restart button and there's hope again.
like he is the end of my sufferings and i would be happy again maybe even happier.
It started out again, so unexpectedly.

But wait, just when i was about to open up, life always fucks me up.
He dragged me so far away from what I thought.
Things got really sour.
He treated me like I am a piece of shit even I told him what happened to me.
How could you?
How could you say things that just to make someone feel good and fucking punch me right where it hurts, right where my wounds are still fresh?

I wish i can be as cruel.
I really wish i can hurt someone that just poured his feelings out to me
I wish i can be as mean and as heartless.

I am happy with myself. I am really just giving up on the state that i am in now.
when people talks about forever love and till death do us part,
I look at myself and my past relationships,
and i look at my friends with their happy little family.
What horrible things that I have done to deserve this?

I also realised that, I was too used to being the "special one" for Jay
and all i had was special treatments.
It's like when she said "he's mine."
it reminded me that i used to have you to call mine
and now, i have no one to hold on and say mine.

and when i was chased out from my fantasy world,
I am trying so hard to get other guys to treat me like he did.
It hurts thinking that actually none of the guys really likes me.
All they want was just a taste of my puki cina.

Jay,
I don't understand how are you even happy?
You literally close up my heart from love as if I don't deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to, i just, can't.

I question myself. I question God. Question life.
I soon found out that there was no use blaming or questioning God because he never listens.

I am tired. I really am.
all i had was cinta palsu.

-my posts are about me myself and i, i am well aware that there's other people in the world that are suffering more, like war and starvation. I am not trying to compare or not feel grateful. I am just hurt and really need to put it out.-