Let me dream.

I thought of us, miraculously running back to each other.
It's like I have broken the spell that kept us apart.

The image of you and i embracing each other like there will be no tomorrow.
Me drowning in tears, head pressed against your chest like it was suppose to.
You hugging me so tight and long never letting go.
Us just hugging not saying a word.
I don't need any explanation, I don't need you to make it up to me.
All I really want is you, us. again.
Just the idea of us against the world like it was supposed to.

Does this mean that I have not moved on at all?
am i pathetic to miss you?
I miss you more than the stars in the galaxy.
At least I am not embarrassed to admit that I am a fucking loser that can't stop thinking about Jay.

You were my world.
Don't you know how much you meant to me?
What does it take for you to do this to me?
I must be a horrible person.

No.

I believe I am a horrible person because no guys.
none of them are interested to know me like you once did.
none of them want to spend time for my silly jokes and ideas.
none of them want to just hold me and look me in the eyes like you once did.
none of them reassured me like you did.

but none of them can ever hurt me like you hurt me.
If only you knew what happened to me after you left.
but it really doesn't matter, you no longer care.

I believe I am a horrible person because it was so easy for you to fall in love again with another girl to push my entire existence out from your memory.
all the things we've been through, all the things you said and all the things we promised each other.

is going to a therapist helping me?
I have no idea.
do i want to continue going?
to be honest, no.
no one in this world can make me as happy like you did.

I believe i am a horrible person because God wants to punish me, i pass by the place you last say "i love you" every single day.
I was always hoping for someone to come rescue me, but no.
all that came was dementors in human form sucking my soul with each kiss.

I don't know what I have become or who i am.
I used to think that i am a good person with awesome personality, funny, smart, kind, beautiful.
I was delusional back then, all i was, all i am is this useless piece of shit.
and that is the whole reason for the breakup.
and that is also the whole reason for all the guys to be the way they are with me.
because I am horrible and a useless piece of shit.

all the learn to love yourself, you have friends and family bullshit is starting to sound like nonsense to me.
how can a friend of many, many years be mad at me because of something that i didn't do, something that she imagined.
I must be really horrible.
i guess when people are really happy, petty things like this matters.

my friend, remember you once looked me in the eye and told me that "YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT YOKE"
i don't think so anymore. I used to believe it, but it's starting to wear off.
i don't understand where did you get the idea of me having ill thoughts of you.
It's a joke.
my life is a fucking joke.
I really wish i was never born, i have nothing, did nothing contribute nothing.

but in the end, who doesn't want to be love, even a horrible person like me wants to feel belong again, i know i don't deserve anything. but yeah. I wish, I can be happy again.
this time i really am going to die alone right?
no joke, in all seriousness i am going to just rot alone right?

-God, just let this useless piece of shit dream.-

+65

and so we met.
not in a million years that I thought we'd meet.

You are undeniably chill, very funny and super comfortable around people.
Last weekend was hectic, who would have known, you really came in such short notice.
I love our impromptu getaway, it was refreshing.

You remind me so much of Jay.
to be honest i think i was able to get comfortable fast and open up because both of you are dangerously alike but still very different individual.
both of you are tall. plays music, talks a shit ton, love making fun of me, weird obsession with car plates.
The way you talk, reminds me so much of the time when Jay used to tell me stories.
I miss him picking my hand up to play air guitar.
Odd that both of you googled me.

When we were together it felt so familiar and comfortable. it felt like we have know each other for a very long time as though as i really know you. I was puzzled.
Took me some time to figure out, all these while my feelings towards Jay never left.
It was there all along, and now, your existence triggered it.
but there is nothing I can do.

How pathetic am i to still be loving someone that moved on long time ago.
How pathetic am i to still be loving someone that doesn't give a shit about me anymore, not in a million years.
How pathetic am i to see Jay in you from the corner of my eyes, occasionally confusing myself if you are Jay.
The things that you did things that you said, oh i miss Jay.

I am glad we turned out to be friends because, I am not good enough for you obviously, not even close.
You are way out of my league and I do not intend asking anything from you.
I like this. This is just nice. a million reasons for us not to be romantically involve.

i do wish that you can bring me along on your adventures around the world.
God knows i am longing to see the world just don't feel like doing it alone.
Would be great if i can tag along.


-would you ever forget me?-

Good things

I haven't posted anything in August.
I got a job, did I tell any of you that?
I wouldn't say that its my dream job, but its pretty decent. Great company. Good pay.

I also got myself a kitten. Her name is Tinki. She is just the most precious little thing!
Tinki is short for Tinker Bell.
She is 1 month old when i adopted her. I just can't believe that anyone would want to throw her away.
Humans.
Most of my time at home is being occupied by Tinki. She is super curious. When I first brought her home she was so tiny and shy but when she got used to the house she basically went berserk.
I love that cat.
I think she loves me a lot too. 

Life is suppose to be complete, i am suppose to feel contented.
somehow, i am still feeling empty.
This is the scary part, when I thought getting a job, and a cat would solve all my problems, they just don't.

and so. life goes on with not too many good things.

I met a guy, he is totally not the type of guy that I would go for.
He is somewhat more mature.
He is like this sweet adorable little old man.
I like him, I do. I like the way he is nice to me.
He is smart, funny, nice and honestly pretty cool.
gets my joke and I feel like don't need to lower down my intelligence when talking to him.
I really enjoy my time with him, and i wish oh i wish he enjoys it as much as I do.

Obviously we have known each other not very long ago but I would love to try, just try to be more than just this.
This, nothingness.

I wish he would want to know me more, but things are just not going that way.
He is obviously not interested to be more than nothing.
I hate myself for thinking about him all the time.
I hate myself for missing him, sort of.

forehead kisses are poison, i shouldn't have allow him to kiss my forehead.

and i hate myself for building up feelings for him. because we all know, nobody loves Yoke, everyone just want to have fun and leave.

I am only writing this to make my feelings for him go away, just die away.
I also realised that, whenever I share good things in my life, it would go away eventually.
so, I hope he just leave me, like all the other boys.

I told him, ever since i met him, i have found my own paradise.
It was a joke about his name.
chill bitches.

- I am not sure but, do you know, all I want is for someone to love me and all my scars.-

it hurts here

it hurts.
it still hurts.
it hurts here and there.

no matter how much i try to brush it off, to face it, to cry it away. fixing it is even worse.
it hurts.
I have no idea how to end this.

it hurts.
i tried, believe me i tried to pull myself out from this massive black hole.
i don't think i can do it anymore.
can anyone just mute the voices for me.

it hurts
when all i feel is no one gives a shit. fact that they do care.
i just can't

open up my heart so that i can feel all the love they are trying to pore into my heart.
help me see what my eyes cant see.
let me feel their love.
instead of wallowing in this cloud of sadness.

i don't want to live my life like everyone screw me over.

it hurts. no matter what. it hurts to the point that i told myself.
i would rather die than fall in love again.
because it hurts.

believing in miracle  that does not exist.
it hurts to know that i am so not lovable.

People always say love yourself so that others love you.
If they don't love my scars and me at my worst, me now what gives them the right to love me when i am really me?

it hurts, happy ending is a lie and it hurts.

-can anyone just make all these feelings go away -

Friends?

I have been having issues with maintaining friendships now a days.
By maintaining i mean not fucking up.

I did not have very pleasant memories of being friends with girls during primary school.
maybe we were still young and don't have any idea what friendship is all about but i remembered nights crying wondering why didn't they like me?
I was really shy long time ago. awkward and sweating all the time. zero confidence.
I was so shy to the point that I cannot handle speaking in front of my class.
There was once when my teacher called my name to solve a math equation, i was so anxious to the point that i was dripping sweat on my math book.
nervous, nausea, anxious and i hated math. I was never good in math, I just can't grasp the concept of it you know.


Well as time goes by, i grew out of that phase.
I am no longer the shy awkward fat girl that sweats a lot.
I still sweat a lot but miraculously i have no problem (most of the time) talking and meeting new people it got better after the break up.
Friendship wasn't a problem for me in the longest time.
But recently, I am having trouble with keeping them drama free.

It bothers me a lot, this cold war, not talking to each other, blocking each other on whatsapp, social medias.
Funny how blocking someone on your phone equals to blocking them out from your life.

Dear people that blocked me,

Am i that horrible that you see fit to just block me out? Does it make you feel better not having me in your life? Don't you have times that you think of me? nothing trigger memories of us hanging out having fun? I am tired of this fucking nonsense. Is there really no way for us to be friends again?
Should I text first? call first? 

I am trying too hard to win everybody's heart huh.
I wonder, how to not fuck things up. Is there a book? a movie? youtube videos on how to not fuck things up 101.
How many block counts = horrible person?
A few of my close friends told me to keep my circle small.
How do I do that? Keeping my circle small.

Gosh. I suck at writing, inspirations just don't come that easy anymore. I used to have tons of shit to write down in my phone. Words just rain down on me. not anymore. not anymore.
Now, I am just staring at my dusty laptop forcing myself to write something to make myself feel better.
My dreams to be a great writer is crumbling down day by day.
Who do i have to blame?
me, myself and i.

-I just wish girls can be nice to each other and not let boys ruin everything.- 

You are loved.

One of my friend posted "I just want to be dead, because no one care"
It hurts me.
It hurts me because he is one of my closest friend, at least that is what i felt.
I am not sure if i am in his list of top 10 favorite people but he sure is in mine.

This friend, we fight, argue, used to hate him used to love him.
I cared and still cares about him. a lot.

What hurts the most is he is too stubborn or rather selfish to see how much he is loved by his friends.
I don't entirely understand what he is going through.

but I have been through horrible times too. You saw me. The state that i was in. You witnessed. 
All i used to want is to be loved by someone that love me back. A guy a relationship, my so called happily ever after.
I was so fixated by the idea of finding the one it made me awfully bitter and miserable.
I was horrible, hurt a lot of good people. especially people that really love me and cared.
everything i think feel see is negative, truly devastating.
I was so sad and alone thinking that no one love me and that no one cares and I suck because I wasn't in a relationship, and that I am not good enough.
Happiness was a rare thing and was defined by relationship status. I was existing rather than living life.
I have so much love to give, it was so overwhelming, I used to feel like dying too remember?

but these few months really opened up my entire head space. looking at the world with an entire different perspective, a fresh pair of eyes.
I have family and good friends that supports me, love me no matter what.
I mean it, no matter what.
I was such a bitch, terribly rude, very selfish and they had to put up with my crazy mood swings EVERY SINGLE DAY.
and yet THEY ARE STILL HERE!
I don't know what you guys see in me and why are you guys still here.
but thank you.
a million times thank you from the deepest end of my heart.

Life is really too short to wallow, sulk or be sad.
I wish you see what you have, try new things get to know new people, go on adventures.
trust me, this world, is really not that bad.
I wish you can see yourself through my eyes, i know i always say this but, what can i do to really make you love you more?

Be brave, take the first step.
Step out from the coffin that you've built. 
I would hold you hands if you want to. We can always walk together.
I want you happy.
happiness is really better than being addicted to pain.
appreciate the little things remember?

You are getting there buddy, just hang on a little, good things are coming. takes time, and who knows how long whatever it is, i believe you. not gonna give up on you.
you believed in me and i am forever grateful for that.

I don't care if this post annoys you bother you, i can't be cruel enough to just let you be.
well maybe this little sad little lonely little charming sort of vibes may get you girls but dude. don't die yet. i love you.

I am not trying to tell anyone off, not trying to prove that I am "better" or anything.
All i want is to let you, you and especially you my dear friend know that, no matter what, i truly believe there is one person that really cares about you and love you unconditionally. at least i care. and i am going to repeat it till you are sick of me because i do.
so. don't.
don't die.
coming from a girl that wanted to kill herself because of a boy that dumped her via WhatsApp.

-so please. don't give up. don't die. don't leave me yet.-

Kekasih Gelap

I jumped out of bed, kicked off my blanked and ran to get my laptop for this post.

I was thinking of you. No to be honest, I think of you often.
It started with a cute comment then sort of became this flirting game between us.

I think of you. Oh, that laugh of yours it radiates like sun shine.
When I said my prince charming is probably stoned somewhere, finding his way to me.
You said it might be you.
The moment you responded when i said good morning prince charming
and us flirting all day long is fun.

First time meeting you, even though you were super late but with a very good forgivable reason.
We clicked completely, I can tell from your smile and the way we talked.
Your eyes twinkles every time i giggle at your jokes.
The night air flowing through us on top of the hill, looking down at the city lights.
I can't stop staring at your luscious lips and again your contagious laugh.

fact that we hang out till dawn and still have so much to talk about.
fact that you impressed me, seems effortless even though you said you tried to be cool not to screw up.
I love it when i don't need to pretend in front of you, being me, spontaneous.
Our stupid jokes and hanging out with you is the best.
Us talking about your scars and my boring ass stories.

Our first kiss, for me was electrifying, that spark that i was desperately trying to feel from all the other guys.
I felt it with you, it felt right, I never thought that I would feel sparks again after Jay.
We both know this is how far we can be because, consequences.
We have to stick to the plan. Our plan.

I love spending time doing nothing with you.
You are sometimes the right amount of crazy i need. turns me on and gets me going.
It's the vibe you give, takes some of real life issues and pressure off.
little escape for me. hope it is to you too.
either way, I enjoy this effortless "relationship" we have.
I won't ask for anything more. This is good enough for me.
This is fun because it is the way it is and nobody needs to know you.

I cherish the fact that you acknowledge one day, we might fall for each other.
but honey, reality sucks. The world does not revolve around us.
maybe in a parallel universe we are probably be super chill, happy together and we don't need to hide whatever this is.
but this is how far it goes. sticking to the plan is the best for you and i.
I like you, I do despite whatever selfish reasons that we are doing this. I like you.
I like you because this is fun. I hope you like me because this is fun.
and she is a very lucky girl. I am sorry for not wanting to care.

-I meant it when i said I would go for you if you were single.-

Lucky?

I have been thinking of what to write for a few days now
Funny thing to have the urge to write, but have nothing to talk about and a lot happening.
So I decided to revisit old videos and pictures of Jay.

I know. I am messed up.
I have been visiting them often to be honest.
They make me feel grounded. safe. kinda happy to see the old me and him.

The idea of watching old videos of us reminds me how it felt to be in love.
I am not obsessing over him or anything but it sort of help me think and not falling for anyone.

I wanted someone to be there for me to guide me.
Lead me out from this tunnel.
Guys are still coming and going from my life. It's becoming mundane after a while.

So I went for a tarot card reading not long ago.
Apparently, I was right God hates me and is fooling with my relationships.
No wonder all the guys that approached me seems interested at first but changed drastically when i blinked.
God is playing a sick game called "I shall give you happiness. HAHA kidding. FUCK YOU bitch, imma take it away now."

Seems like he is also fooling with my career, I get rejection emails after each and every "promising" interview.
To be honest I am good for now, I mean God can fool with my relationship, not looking for anything serious.
All the hopes that I had in my heart to believe in true love died long time ago.
I am really just having fun, wasting my time away (jobless)
But I am happy, at least I won't get cranky going out from my house.
I am making new friends.
having the courage to block toxic people out from my life. I am so glad i did.

Life is good.
sometimes i do miss having someone to discuss and make decisions like "what to eat" or just be mature for me with me.
yet. Life is good.

I told you i was right all along, I knew something was wrong between me and God.
The card says God is freaking pissed with me.

If God hate me still in my next life, I'd do all these again because all of these makes me who I am now.
We are strong. All my sedih gurls out there, we've got each other.
Even life comes crushing me down, no matter how much this divine power "God" try to break me bend me.
I am going to bounce back up, who cares if it happens after a lot of crying and struggling and eating.
makes me stronger. I refuse to believe that I have "bad luck" because life is good.
My dad told me "you star is always shining very bright."
and i truly feel life is good.

-I am proud of all my scars and all the weight that I've gained. -

Saving myself

Other people will forever have their own opinions.
They are not me, they will never feel what i felt.
Everyone's break up story is different.
You can call me desperate, weak, self abuse.
You can call me anything but you will never ever feel what i felt.
You can judge however you want. you can gossip you can tell whoever you want.
I really don't blame anyone.

So let me tell you a story.

My parents were strict throughout my life. growing up there was no good cop bad cop in my family. They are always a team. relationship goals. no siding anyone but each other.
I did not have anyone or a shoulder to cry on after my grandma passed away.
so when I started to have boy friends they were the people that I would go to.
a shoulder. a hug. someone that would always stand on my side. back me up.
Again I am not trying to blame anyone. this is just my story to tell.

After Jay left i had no one. He left that basically killed me, crushed my spirit my whole will to live. It's like God banished me, swore to torture me.

It all started when I realised I can't sleep. No matter how hard i try, he was always lingering in my head.
His voice, his face, his smile.
That break up text. The way he said "I dah tak sayang you"
No matter how hard I try to erase or not to think about them, everything about us haunted me.
Being the eldest I do not want to appear weak. Parent's expectation. Sisters expectation.
I told them I was doing fine and that i needed time.
Fact is, I was dying inside. I cried myself to sleep every night. I cried on the way to work basically whenever I was alone. avoided all the songs that we used to sing, avoided romance movies.
I hated crying in front of people.
Weak. I told myself. I can't let them know.
I kept crying and praying to God to make all these feelings and emotions stop. Alas, no prayers were answered. till now.
I decided to self medicate. To save myself.
Thought about dying basically everyday, but I was held back. Maybe I didn't have the balls or the fact that I still love my family.
So I started self medication. I felt so much better, it helps with my depression and my panic attacks.
I met new friends. broken people like me, for once i felt belonged.

But the story did not stop there.
along my way I have met shitty ass hole guys
Guys that used me, took advantage of me, lied to me, left me hanging, opened up my eyes to the filthy part of the world.
They took and took and took till I have nothing else to give. no one ever really liked me.

even someone that once claimed to be my best friend and would protect me from all the shitty people hurt me, he was not serious with his life, made decisions that hurt other people without him feeling guilty. disappointed me, currently ignoring me.

and people said
"You are too easy."
"You are too desperate."
"Love yourself more."
I too blame myself.

They make it as though as only perfect people deserve to  be loved and broken people like me deserve nothing.
I tried to be better, love myself. distract myself. do the things i love. be alone. independent. talk to friends. talk to new people. quit my job. challenge myself.

along my way, friends that were once single became unavailable anymore.
Lesser time to hang out.
I did not want to disturb them with their new happiness.
I was once left alone.
I get it you know, people come and go.
I get it, i do.
but i am still sad.
where do i go now. where is my prince charming?
and so i self medicate. to numb my feelings. to numb my emptiness.

I don't think professional help can offer me the cure i need.
I know what i want. I want to be happy like i was 2 years ago.
I want to feel alive and have a purpose to live again.
but that will never really happen again right?

and they said "you have your family."
and yes. you are right. I know I am super fortunate for that. I am and i realised. but it will never be the same isn't it. the emptiness. this loneliness.
ironically people that are currently in relationship say "you dont need a boy friend you have friends and family."
makes me wonder who gives you the fucking rights to say that. I was alone when i have panic attacks, i was alone when i cry and desperately hoping for the pain to stop.

you can call me desperate a million times, but still can't change the fact that i know i will always need that shoulder to cry on that someone to hold my hand and that someone to stand by my side that once one that will love me like i loved him.

they make it seems so easy as though they feel my pain.
I wish i can transfer some of my pain.

along my way, i also realised that i wasn't as strong as i imagine. i let people take advantage of my kindness. this world is fucked up as it is.
I let people destroy me again and again.
I am broken. broke.

You can judge me all you want. I just wanted to be happy.

This is just my story to tell why I self medicate and yes, i was trying to save myself.
i will still continue to save myself.
mom, dad if self medicating is disappointing you i will stop. as long as you are happy.

and so now. all i can hope is, to get a job. and continue existing because none of my prayers wishes seems to be answered.
if this is not enough, well. i have gave my all. and this is what's left.

Once again, this is my story to tell, i am not blaming anyone for all the decisions I have made.

Sabah 2018

I am known for making irrational drastic decisions.
I am very emotional and passionate.
1 year ago, I decided to join one of my friend to conquer Mount Kinabalu.
Did not take me more than 5 minutes to think through.

and so after a month of training.
I realised that I am going on a trip with a group of other people that I do not know anything about besides the often ignored group whatsApp.

So, this interesting journey begins at the airport with a series of typical awkward "Hi I am Yoke." conversation.
10 of us with only 1 goal.

I stayed in my own bubble most of the time, observing mostly, language barrier.
Most of them spoke Cantonese.
My Cantonese sucks, I have the accent of a 3 year old child.
I listen most of the time trying real hard to be on the same page.
Yes, I have times that I feel like an outcast.

I was really hoping to get something out of the hike.
I was trying to make a statement to myself.
I wanna prove to myself that I am not worthless and i am strong.
I wanna think things through, perhaps after conquering Mount Kinabalu I can see things from a different perspective.
Perhaps be happier with myself.
Perhaps be less needy.
Perhaps being alone is not that bad after all.

The entire journey from Kota Kinabalu to Kundasang was interesting.
One of our rented car broke down in the middle of I dont know where, phone reception sucks and it started raining.

When we finally reached our accommodation, it was already dinner time.
Kundasang is cooling, I love it. It's like early summer time in UK.

We went to Desa farm, yeah the place that looks like New Zealand with dalmatian cows.
10 of us was in awe when we saw the magnificent Mount Kinabalu in front of us.
It was magical and mysterious with all the clouds and mists covering almost half of the mountain.
On our way back to dinner, God decided to bless us with an entire arch of colors. I was the one shouted "rainbow!"
Yes. We saw a full set of rainbow, during sunset. Our accommodation was located on a hilly slope, makes it even better.
What a blessing.

At night i sunk out for the moon and stars. I was alone with my phone in my pjs.
I just need to get the perfect picture of the full moon. We were looking at the same moon. I am sure of it.

The day came we were all ready. Getting our bags and having breakfast loading up carbs for the hike.
Our host, was the person that came bearing bad news. It felt like someone special ditched you in the middle of having candle light dinner when you are about to kiss.

The disappointment was overwhelming, apparently, the host was not able to get any of us permits for the hike.
We've booked the trip for the past year, just like "poff" all my hopes and dreams and goals and bucket list gone.

but this trip made me realised a few important points:
1. I could never date Chinese dudes, oh the communication, and mind set barrier is just so obvious. Ridiculous even.
2. Keeping my cool, for not rolling my eyes and flipping out when dealing with annoying people. Believe me, i try so hard not curse.
3. Getting out from my comfort zone.
4. but most importantly, "when you lose something, you gain something back in return."

I remembered one of my friend telling me, "it's not the destination, it's about the journey."
We definitely did not conquer the mountain of Gods but I did went on a awesome "Tip of Borneo" road trip for the most enchanted sunset even though our rented car decided to give us attitude again.

We saw a sea of green paddy fields along the way, they were softly swaying with the wind under the blazing afternoon sun.
It was scorching hot, but I enjoyed the wind, softly blowing in my face and hair, with the rustling sound of the paddy filed.
Birds flying under the peaceful blue sky. What a spectacular view.

We stopped by a river, dipped my toes into the warm, crystal clear water.
An old hanging bridge was right on top of the river just like the bridge to Terabithia.
I washed my face with the water, it was very refreshing, the water was untouched by pollution.

On the way back, it was pitched black due to the lack of lamp posts but we were once again blessed by a galaxy of stars, twinkling and dazzling like scattered moon dust under the night sky.

To be honest, I am glad that I met all of them, my new travel buddies, thou we are not always on the same page but I appreciate all the efforts just to make this trip better.

Well, did not make it up to Mount Kinabalu, but hey, I met people, made friends, ate delicious food, saw rainbows and sunsets and stars.
I need to stop giving out negative vibes.
I need to chose the life style I want.
I need to love myself more.

-life is really a funny thing-

Back home.

I did it.

I did it. 

I quit my job. I moved back to Kuala Terengganu. 

I wish i could jokingly say I moved back to be a mermaid. 

Truth is. 

I was about to kill myself. Just didnt have the balls to do it. 

I just had to stay away from the city. 

I need to find peace and clear my head. 

Being back home with my parents and my old friends, jobless and only focusing on myself is a pretty big and scary decision. 

To be honest i am fucking terrified. 

What is going to happen next? 

But being home, makes me feel like this is the best decision i have ever made for myself. 

I love it here. I love it. 

It has been almost a week now. 

I can proudly say that i am definitely taking better care of myself. 

I did all i could to be happy. 

I said i'd make you proud. 

But. I miss you. We say it so much to each other i wonder do you mean it as much as i mean it.

I wish i could share every little details of my daily life with you. 

Every little excitements. From the smallest things like how pretty was the moon that night, watching money heist or had a great workout to things like how much i miss my grandma. 

I tried talking to other people but. It's just not the same. 

I just want to share it with someone that understands my excitement. 

Someone who gets me. 

What am I trying to do? It hurts. It hurts so bad to be a good friend. 

It hurts. No matter what i do or what you do it hurts

It hurts to be friends it hurts more to leave. 

There really is no right or wrong. It's my decision. It really is better this way. 

maybe I am addicted to the pain. 

i don't know what the fuck am i doing anymore. 

What the fuck am i trying to prove giving you relationship advises while crying and hurting. Fucking hipocrite. 

I don't know anymore. 

All i know is. 3 words. 8 letters. Irreversibly. 

I am not picky. I just know what i want. 

I want someone that speaks to my soul. 

For now. I know. For real. Seriously cross my heart. 

It was you and still is. 

Actually. I am glad that we are far away now. It sort of hurt less not knowing and not seeing. 

Besides. I am happy most of the time here.

But. I miss you. 

I guess i really did all i could. Hey. You know what. I am happy as long as you are happy. Regardless.
That is what really matters.

-I don't understand why do i need to try so hard not to lose you. 

You were never really mine to begin with-

Best Buddies.

Someone once told me that if I fall in love with the heart instead of the look, it is either, i have to die loving that person or grow out of it.

This is a story about me falling for my best friend.
I don't know when, but fate is a funny thing in this story.
The fact that I have no clue how we knew each other or even have each other's contact is mind blowing.
I remember the 1st time hanging out with you, I have no idea that we have never met in person.
I have always thought that I knew you.
Maybe you were always there you know, like the familiar name that pops up on my social media.

So, we started hanging out and you introduced me to the boys.
I love hanging out with you and my boys.
Every weekend spent with you guys are special made me feel so refreshed.

the beginning of our friendship was having conversations about relationships and feelings. we talked a lot.
I love listening to your stories and you sharing your little secrets.
You know me as who I really am beneath all the tattoos and piercings. I mean you should know, after all the late night conversations.

Among all the boys I feel the closest to you but never crossed my mind as someone that I would actually fall for.
This funny feeling just gradually creep up on me, and one day I realised, it was too late to push stop.

I remembered there was once, hanging out at my place and it was the 3 of us, Din fell asleep, it was late and the quiet night was only filled with his snore. It was only you and I, talking till dawn. I think I fell asleep holding your hands. Despite how uncomfortable my couch was I slept peacefully with no nightmares.

Oh and dancing to our song. little special moments like that makes me fall even more. It was so obvious, you knew.

Then it sort of turn into some stupid flirting game between us, I was so confused by the things you said and did.
It was way out of the friendship zone.
I was so confused, afraid, it was basically driving me mad.
You were an ass hole giving me mix signals and refuse to talk about it.
maybe you enjoyed playing games. I can never really know what is underneath that professor head of yours.
You are effortlessly cool and sometimes charming in your own way, and I really like that.
I never see you as a loser, you are a little nerdy but cool at the same time.

and finally the time came, we had a very long talk about us.
turns out, it was just me.
all you wanted was to be my friend.
but you were still an ass hole to play games.

I guess i was hurt because I felt unwanted and i thought you were different.
you were my best person to call whenever all the other boys out there crush my heart, used me.
after all my heart break and drama, I'd always go back to you.

One of the biggest reason i fell for you was because, you make me want to be a better version of me.
You are calm and I am impulsive.
You are caring, and really a sweet person.
You seems always interested in my stories.
like you genuinely care for me.
also our inside jokes and being sneaky behind our friends.
or maybe you are the brother that i never had.

I am glad that we talked it out last night. I feel even closer to you since there's no stupid misunderstanding between us anymore.
does not make sense to give up on our friendship just because of what happened.
but, i dont think i can ever fall in love again though.
it sort of make me lose faith in a way. maybe this is temporary. i dont know.

I wish I can be your best friend during your wedding, I still sort of cannot picture seeing you getting married to another girl. I can't promise that wont crush my heart I guess I just need to put on a brave face and be happy.
Isn't that what friends are for?
I know it is still far away, but it is bound to happen.

At the end of the day, don't we all just want to feel loved and belonged?

and that is the story of me, falling in love with another person after Jay. it was still a fail isn't it?
I am not special, cool or pretty enough to be loved i guess.
I am not good enough.

-I am not at all trying to make you fall in love with me or anything-

The boy that loves the ocean

He loves the ocean maybe a little more than she does.
She is constantly waiting for the time that she can dip her feet in the warm salty water.
Every single time he brings her to the beach.
That excitement on her face, together with the twinkling stars in the sky.
they love the beach, feels like they truly belong, maybe not to each other but growing up by the beach. It is where her soul belongs.

She loves everything about it.
The night sky, sound of the waves.
smell of their burning cigarettes.
the stars especially the stars,
and him telling her everything and anything about his fishes and the ocean, real or made up, she didn't care.

How the current moves and how to differentiate stars and satellites. The healing power of the sand.
The moon formation. The direction of the wind, the tides.
accompanied by good music.

Just like that, both of them sitting by the beach at night, sharing dreams hopes and secrets, when the world is asleep.
He would sometimes grab a handful of soft sand and just let them go with the wind.
It's like something beautiful looking at him doing that.
He brought her to his sanctuary, a place that he goes to clear his head.
She likes the smell on his shirt.
its a mixture of perfume, detergent, salty sea water and a hint of sunshine.

He loves the open water, and salt crystals that dried up on his face under the hot blazing sun.

One night when the crickets were singing and the waves crashed the shore, she told him all her fears.
he held her like nothing in this world could hurt her anymore.
How people took her for granted.
He told her how strong she is, and that she is destined to do something big.

Deep down, all she wanted was a simple life, like his, by the sea.
She remembered that night, when he kissed her cheeks for the 1st time.
Deep down, that was what she wished for.
like finally everything is going to be alright.
Things is going to be better for her.

One night, sitting on the sea swing, him holding her in his arms listening to nothing but the water beneath their feet.
Life can be as simple and carefree as it is.

Well, the ocean is not always gentle, it can be destructive, mysterious, full of dark secrets, just like him.
When tsunami hits, it took it all away again.
and there she is. left with nothing but 2 tiny seashells that he gave her.

I envy couples that stick together,
no matter how fucked up their relationship is, none of them gave up.
fighting with all their might to work it out.

but, when he gave up on me. it crushed my spirit, the way i see things. basically crushed everything.
This feeling about being unwanted is horrible.

Hospitalised

I was hospitalised for 3 fucking days.

11 January 2018
I had this weird pain coming from my stomach.
Never felt pain like that before.
Was I too hungry?
Truth is.
I was starving myself for almost 3 days.
Yes. I was.
I did't really eat. I drank coffee. tea. little bit of biscuits.
and honestly this have been going on for quiet a while now.
I never had to guts to admit it.
But yes. I was starving myself because I wasn't happy and also I don't know why.
Why did I starve myself for?
So, I went back home from work, chug whatever medication that I can find at home.
Ate KFC and drank whatever milk that was in my fridge.
Didn't really help I vomited every single bite of that spicy friend chicken.
I took God knows what medication again and this time, the pain stopped.
Did not sleep well but at least my stomach is not acting up.

12 January 2018
I got super hungry the next morning so i cooked myself a big pot of korean instant noodles.
believe me, it was a big pot.
Went to work. Forced myself to eat a subway sandwich and that's it.
Stomach was fine. so I thought. Cool. no big deal anyway.

13 January 2018
Got up a little late, didn't have time to eat.
Went to work had coffee and biscuits, ate honey stars cereals for dinner.
stomach was acting up a little after dinner, until I couldn't take it.
I was in so much pain that I had to excuse myself from work.
Went to the doctor. Told the doctor in tears that my stomach hurts.
Doctor said it was Gastritis.
Gave me medication.
I ate the medication right away.
chilled in my car before driving home.
Puked in the car while driving.
It was fucking epic. Luckily I found a random plastic bag in my car, so I didn't puke all over myself.
Trust me, it was so bad that i basically crawled back home.
Took extra dosage of the medication because I couldn't take the pain.
Stomach felt a wee bit better.

14 January 2018
Woke up ate a little, was my off day, basically chill day for me.
felt super bloated, drank warm tea, fucking fuck stomach started to act up.
This time it was so fucking bad, my back hurts I was sweating.
Called my parents and I was like, fuck this bull shit. I am going to the hospital.
Went to Columbia hospital, fucking hospital suck shit suck dick!
I don't fucking understand why did they even rent out the entire lobby for filming.
What the fucking fuck?
Come on there are other ways to raise money yeah?
and the staffs there was fucking unprofessional lousy ass slow poke.
got so frustrated, asked my sister to just leave that shit hole, wanted to go home and just die on my bed.
but sister dragged me to another hospital near by,
Went to Tawakal Hospital.
registration and also consultation was FUCKING LONG.
was admitted by the doctor, had panic attack cuz waiting for too long and I was fucking paranoid.
Finally got injection, stomach felt so much better.
can't really sleep, a lot was in my mind.

15 January 2018 
Doctor did Endoscopy. Found out I had gastritis no big deal. 
Friends came to visit me was really happy that they came. 
had long meaningful conversation with on of my buddy.
realised that i think i had a crush on him.
or was it the hospital?
Do i really like him? I wonder.

16 January 2018 
Doctor did ultrasound just to make sure he did not miss anything.
Found out that I have 2 tiny stones in my gallbladder about 8mm each.
Nothing to worry about yet. Discharged and need to see him in another 2 weeks.

I am so sorry that I didn't love myself enough.
I really need to thank my sisters for being there for me throughout the entire process.
Ohana. Family. Blood. 
I really need to take care of myself more.
Enough is enough. 
I was immature and stupid. 

Still trying to figure out my feelings for my mate but, was brutally friend zoned. 
I guess i better get over him, don't want to get hurt. 
Soon he will find himself a girl and I don't want to be crying because of that.

He is, the nicest, sweetest person. I honestly admire his talents, and the way he talks to his sister. 
I like the way we joke around, I love his smell.
Need to remind myself that, me and him impossible.
we are just mates. 

I want to be happy too. I honestly do. but I don't think he likes me the way i like him. 
so. I better get over this soon. 
Don't want to make things weird. 
mates will always be mates.
I learned my lesson.
I am sorry mom dad sisters.
I am sorry Fetty. I will love myself more.

-I am sorry Yoke. I love you.-

2018

Hey.
I am here to update my long over due post.

This year is so different. I was desperately planning for my new year eve.
I thought of partying and getting myself wasted so I won't remember shit.
I thought of just staying at home, crying till my eyes bleed.
I thought of so many things.
Every single time, us. How we used to be.
For the past 3 years, we spent new year together.
I didn't care where, as long as i was with you.
You were my first and last kiss for the year and next.
You were all I wanted. All we needed were each other.
You made me the happiest person alive. God damn it I loved you.
The fact that you told me "I love you" the night before and dumped me right after.
I love you. Every little flaws. Every little details about you.
I love you. Maybe I still do. I don't know anymore.

Well, we can't live in the past.

This year, I celebrated new year eve with my friends, we rented a posh villa had BBQ.
It was awesome.
to be really honest, I wasn't happy.
even before the party started I was hiding in my office toilet, crying.
I was crying so bad.
I didn't know why, all I know was, I was really really really genuinely sad.
I tried so hard to get out from the toilet, washed my face. Pretending to smile so that the whole world believed that I was Ok.

We had fun at the villa I tried to numb myself.
I honestly tried so hard to numb myself so that I won't feel shit.
We all went to the roof top, gorgeous KLCC view.
and fireworks. I love fireworks.
I stood there, with all my friends.
I thought of you of us.
No matter how much I tried to push it away.
No matter how high I was to numb my emotions.
I cracked.
I can't deny that I miss you. every single fireworks reminds me of us.
How we used to be.
This is for the longest time, my first new year as a single person.
I cried so hard.
My friends, oh my dear friends tried their best to hug me, kiss me, hold me.
It was so nice of them to love me when you wont.

I guess my heart died the next day.
I don't feel anything about you anymore.
completely numbed.
As if we never happened. I do think about you occasionally. Wondering if you are thinking about me too, but my heart stopped hurting because of you.
It stopped hoping you would come back.
It has been almost a year.
A year since I found out you cheated.

I am positive that 2018 will be good to me, to all my girls that were hurt, broken.
2017 was shitty. I have never felt like that in my life. I can't believe I was sad for a year. I allowed myself to free fall, life was a downward spiral.
I was crying almost every single day because of a boy that dumped me via WhatsApp right after he said he love me the night before.

It is all in the past now. We do not live in the past and I have no power at all to change the past.
2018, will be good.
I promise myself not to make stupid decisions.
Love myself more.
and also to run away.
I guess it is time for me to leave the city.
too much damage for the past year. I think, this time, I need to take a break.
I miss the ocean, the salty sea water the sun and sand.
I guess I need to be back to my roots for a bit.

I promise I will be back, stronger. Indestructible.

I still can't promise myself not to miss us or, what is left of us but I won't ever wish to the stars that you'd come back.
I love you. I guess I still do, but you are too selfish and stupid to know what love is.

I know there is someone out there perfect for me who understands and love, like I love you.
I don't care about you and whoever you are fucking anymore.
both of you don't matter.

It's sad that 10 years from now, you are going to be a dude that I used to date and none of the things we did matter. I probably won't remember you.
It's sad that 10 years from now, I can't tell my children how we fell in love and how crazily in love we were.
It doesn't matter anymore.

We can't live in the past.

The first party in 2018 was awesome.
I felt so happy, this time I flirt because I can and because I want to.
Not some kind of sick game I put myself into.
and I also understand don't let a "dead" person control your life.
2018 is good and will continue to be better.
I am too petty to wish you well.

Thanks for putting me through hell, I fought. I FUCKING fought for myself to stay sane everyday.
To get up and function like a normal human for the past year.
I am proud of who I am now. You will not be that monster that haunts my night.
and I can feel that my life will be great, wonderful even.

2018. Please don't let me down.


- life happens for me, not to me-