Friends?

I have been having issues with maintaining friendships now a days.
By maintaining i mean not fucking up.

I did not have very pleasant memories of being friends with girls during primary school.
maybe we were still young and don't have any idea what friendship is all about but i remembered nights crying wondering why didn't they like me?
I was really shy long time ago. awkward and sweating all the time. zero confidence.
I was so shy to the point that I cannot handle speaking in front of my class.
There was once when my teacher called my name to solve a math equation, i was so anxious to the point that i was dripping sweat on my math book.
nervous, nausea, anxious and i hated math. I was never good in math, I just can't grasp the concept of it you know.


Well as time goes by, i grew out of that phase.
I am no longer the shy awkward fat girl that sweats a lot.
I still sweat a lot but miraculously i have no problem (most of the time) talking and meeting new people it got better after the break up.
Friendship wasn't a problem for me in the longest time.
But recently, I am having trouble with keeping them drama free.

It bothers me a lot, this cold war, not talking to each other, blocking each other on whatsapp, social medias.
Funny how blocking someone on your phone equals to blocking them out from your life.

Dear people that blocked me,

Am i that horrible that you see fit to just block me out? Does it make you feel better not having me in your life? Don't you have times that you think of me? nothing trigger memories of us hanging out having fun? I am tired of this fucking nonsense. Is there really no way for us to be friends again?
Should I text first? call first? 

I am trying too hard to win everybody's heart huh.
I wonder, how to not fuck things up. Is there a book? a movie? youtube videos on how to not fuck things up 101.
How many block counts = horrible person?
A few of my close friends told me to keep my circle small.
How do I do that? Keeping my circle small.

Gosh. I suck at writing, inspirations just don't come that easy anymore. I used to have tons of shit to write down in my phone. Words just rain down on me. not anymore. not anymore.
Now, I am just staring at my dusty laptop forcing myself to write something to make myself feel better.
My dreams to be a great writer is crumbling down day by day.
Who do i have to blame?
me, myself and i.

-I just wish girls can be nice to each other and not let boys ruin everything.-