Part 1

 Hello there :) 

I know, I am slacking again. My last update was back in Terenganu.

To my own defense I was surprisingly occupied, I was out every single day after work seeing friends, accepting love and east coast hospitality. 

My dear friend from high school took me out on a bike ride. Good Lord, the last time I was on a bike was in my 20s with Jay. Anyways, my friend, Hazman was kind enough to entertain my impulse, we were crusing by the beach and spent the whole night catching up while listening to the waves. 

My night catching up with Hazman is not the main point of this post. I guess, I will start with how i got out from my self pitty, depression loop. 

I was not well, mentally for years after what happened with Jay. I hated what he did to me, at the same time, I hated myself too, I felt ugly and unloved and unwanted. I hated myself so much that whenever I look at my own reflection, I fucking cussed. I cussed at my own reflection, at my life, I felt like a fucking looser. He single handedly crushed the little self esteem that I have.  

I was constantly having suicidal thoughts, every single place that Jay and I used to hangout triggered me. Every songs and movies, the simplest things triggered me. All I can do was, lying on my bed crying. I mentally checked out. My friends tried to help me but I guess, the idea of living life on my own without Jay did not make sense. It just did not click in my head. 

My parents tried their best, but they, well, they are not emotion savy. All they can and will say is "move on" "get over it". That did not help.  

I was partying a lot, smoking a lot, self harming, drinking and seeing a lot of dicks, everything was too much and too quick. I remembered back when I used to cringed at people that find solace in drugs alcohol and sex but when I was in it, I said to myself "yeah, I get it now, I guess this is life innit." I felt God had a personal vendetta against me.

I asked myself a lot, is this all happening because of what I did to Faiz? How I broke his heart, and so, I was constantly spiralling, I did not take care of how i look, how i smelled, how people see me. I just let myself go to the deepest depression trench that I ironically dug for myself and that lead up to me quitting my 1st corporate job. I told my dad, I couldn't take it anymore, staying the the city, everything fucking stifles me, My dad, that poor man had no choice but to let me move back home. 

I moved back to Terengganu having nothing with me. No money, no carrer, the only thing I had was my fat ass and maybe my tiny little intention to be happy again. At this point in life, waking up in the morning was meaningless, I was just floating through life, just existing because I did not have the gut to end myself. 

I wish this was the end of mid 20s Yii found herself at the beach or reenact Eat, Love, Pray but it wasn't how life went. I did a lot of swimming and walking, got tanned, sort of. Helping my parents a little when I wasn't busy crying. I was out every night for the 4 months there, hanging out with bunch of local boys, getting high getting no where, no progress in life. 

4 month passed and my parents being parents are not willing to support me financially anymore and I was running out of money too, So, my dad decided that I should go back to the city I hated. I was fortunate enough to score myself an alright position at a very reputable company with decent pay. 

I was doing a little bit better, things that used to trigger me were not as scary anymore. I was able to not hate myself so much but the saga continues. I was busy swipping on all the dating apps under the sun, seeing dicks and clinging on to loosers for their validation. At the time I thought that my self worth was based on the numbers of dicks that I see. It was a lot, I was being messy again. 

Work was not ideal, I was alright, my performance was barely scraping by, coupled with the existing dark cloud that looms around me. I was still cutting myself, more so when I tried my best but it really was not working out for me. 

Maybe it was my guarding angel or "maturing" or tinki but I rememebered stumbling on a self help video one day, about self concept on youtube, I couldn't stop, I thought maybe i found a way out this time. I genuinely wanted to be better, happier, know myself and truly love myself. I started listening to more podcasts, I stopped seeing dicks, I was boysober for a year!

Maybe it was also guilt, I feel guilty that my friends and parents love me so much and I wasn't able to love them back the same, I felt empty inside, like I have nothing in me to give. So I tried really hard, event went to a therapist, that, did not help, bitch asked me to take weight loss pills, as if loosing weight is going to solve all my problems. Oh, She was fucking racist too. I was there for 3 sessions and fucking hell it was horrible. 

Tho in my whole "pitty me the whole world hates me" phase, I guess deep down, I wasn't the person that the heart break made me. I hated being defined by my circumstances, so I tried a million ways to feel better about myself again, I can't believe I am writing this to past Yii but, that you for not giving up. 

It's funny how everything changed when i started shifting my perspectives. I started working out again, eat healthy. Something in my head just clicked. It was like the century long rain has finally stopped, I felt lighter, things around me are brighter. I started appreciating little things, like rainbows or good food. I also made new friends, my girls, my boys. I started to find love in every little thing that I do, in nature, I meditate, read words of affirmations. 

Then the pandemic started, it was the best time for me, beacause I thrived, I even learnt skateboaring, teenage Yii would have flipped! I have always wanted to skate. One day I just bought myself a cruiser board and do most of my learning on youtube and fucking skated through the pandemic. I was healing. Finally. 

It was fun but lonely too, so I deceided to get back on dating apps again. 1 year of just focusing on myself, of being boysober. I met Aqil.

I think this is where I will end this part of the blog. During Aqil, it was a whole new whirlwind of love, adventures and lessons.

If you made it to this part of my blog, thank you. Obviously, this is a very brief summary of what hapened, putting all my dark ages in one single post is impossible, but I think I've poseted enough sad stuff here. 

I dare not promise on when I'll be posting next but, I will. 

- tonight was fun and I missed blogging- 

How does it feel like to be 32?

 Hi. :) 

It has been a hot minute everyone. 

The last time I've written here was years ago. 

isn't it crazy how time flies? 

God, where do I start?

I have so much that I want to say but I have no idea where to start.

It's so weird that when I revisit this page it's like younger me stuck in time and all I want to do is give her a long warm hug, and tell her that we got so much better.

Despite still having voices that haunts us but we doing awesome and we are better in managing our sadness.

So, I recently celebrated my 32nd birthday. I was spoiled, showered with gifts and love and so much cake!

I am fortunate enough to have people that cares and love me, celebrating my birthday a week before leading up to 31 Aug, I was still getting gifts even after my birthday.

I feel like i should start writing again here. This has been on my mind for the longest time.

Maybe I'll try to sum up my life for the past 5 years in segments. Maybe make it a series of topics. That sounds like a good idea. 

Since I'm back in Terengganu for a week, I have all the time by myself and my intention to be back here is to recentre myself, will be doing a lot of meditation, journaling, grounding. 

I am going to make a point to write at least once a day, I hope. Consistency is not really my strong suit.

I'm happy to invite you on a new adventure with me, whoever that is still reading. 

-Being 32 is how you percieve. I don't feel 32- 

Forbidden Fruit

To Mr. BoGeyMan:

You are the forbidden fruit.
My moral, mind, God, Universe warned me about you.
But I am painstakingly holding on to every fibre in my body not to let free my pent up lecherous self.
I am clearly not a saint but the mere thought on what we can do wtih each other is already a transgression against divine law.
So. Help free me. This is a sin I can't wait to commit.

A sin so delicious better than sweet juicy nectar.
Your form, anatomy of a Greek God.
I let you smitten me with your delusional idea of us.
I know your every word, fib, plot twists and games.
But i let you play.
I lay all my cards out.
I let you sing your lies curated from hurting girls after girls.

I shouldn't have devour the forbidden fruit.
I have misbehaved.
And now the BoGeyMan has the best of me.

-wish i could be a little selfish-
-wish i could have you all to myself a little longer-

feel anything?

I think i have forgotten how it is when singing love songs and feel it with my heart.
listening to love songs is never the same after you left.

Love songs to me now is just a bunch of fancy made up words mixed together
doesn't really make any sense.
I cannot compute romantic comedies. Total bullshit.

i tried to feel something, "pray" for something good, but my prayers were answered with pictures of mediocre, below average dicks.
i want the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart knowing someone I like misses me.
i wish you miss me for me, because I am funny and awesome.

i want to stop feeling like a fucking loser every time, being left out. 
i miss your hugs and how it feels to be in your arms, recharged, after a long day at work.

Your voice, singing me lullaby every night chasing all my nightmares away before they even start.

I am not even asking for another you, or to turn back time or for you to love me back.
just someone that love me enough not to leave.

i have forgotten how secure and safe when you cuddle me to sleep.
that funny way you say "I want to hug you from behind."

Stop telling me that someone will love me for who i am or i will find my prince charming.
Why don't you fucking be that someone and love me for all my scars, big or small, fat or even fatter.
Why don't you fucking stop asking me to date other people and date me instead.

I am tired of being numb acting like being in a relationship and love is a joke.
or maybe i should, because if this is what it is, i am 101% sure dying alone is what I was born for.



I chose to keep quiet and not do anything even though I am pretty sure I like you more than i should old man.
whatever i am feeling is going to die down.
we can be good for each other. you and i. let me be the crazy in your mundane life and you be the old wise man, the anchor for  my recklessness.

alas whatever is going on in my head is not reality and God hates me too much to give me any miracle.

so. how can i feel again?

so, what's next?

So, what's next?
I have been seeing, dating multiple guys for the past 2 years.
funny how all different individuals tells the same story with the same ending.

So, last weekend I met him, my favorite. It was our 2nd time meeting.
but of course we have been keeping in touch, occasionally and our random video calls.

He stood out the most, the top of my list.
because of the way he talks,
so cocky, so confident, so loud and sometimes obnoxious.
but he is passionate about life, super outgoing yet like spending time alone.
He is smart, wise and gave me some of the best advise.
He, I feel, is the type of guy you either like or hate.
I would consider him as an ass hole.
also the only person that I whispered "You are so hot." while making out.
Ironically I always go for ass holes. he knows.

I stayed over at his place, it was fun.
Talked a lot but still have so much to talk about.
He is not the most thoughtful person.
at least not to me, but nice enough to encourage me to be better.

So now, I achieved what I wanted, what's next?

my friend was excited to know if this time both of us got closer.
well, sorry to disappoint, again.
i feel secretly, i wish he'd text.
but we all know he wouldn't.
I for some reasons refuse to text him first.
I feel my heart crumbed a little when my friends feel sorry for me.


I really don't know what's next.
I have gone through all the guys that i like/interested and i have no one on my list now.
does it mean prince charming is around the corner?

I honestly, truly want to stop crossing out guy's name on my list.

-can I not cross out your name?-
- maybe this time, just be stubborn and stay will you?-
- or i probably should stop dreaming about you, yes. I should- 

what do I really want?

A few of my tinder dates pointed out the same thing.

"I don't think you know what you want."

and I'd always brush them off with denial.

"Of course I know what I want." 

and the answer ended there.

What do I really want? 

now, I am writing this to sort my shit out. 

What do I really want?

I want someone to see me for what I really am.

under all the layers of fat and laughter, lived this scared insecure girl that constantly needs reassurance and encouragements. 

I want someone to tell me stories about their adventure, and their scars. 

I want someone that can make me feel butterflies or still blush each time we kiss. 

I want to adore and be adored. 

I want someone to share little things that happened to me daily.

I want to give love and to be loved.

I want to be the little spoon. 

I want to have a shoulder to cry on and also be the 1st person he thinks of during troubled times.

I want to be happy again.

at least be happy.

I wish i can feel like how i used to. like i can do anything. 

I want to laugh and fart and burp freely when we are together.

I want to be needed. 

I want to be your only netflix and chill partner. 

I want a travel partner, someone to do crazy things with.

I want to count each other's gray hair, slow dance to"can't help falling in love" by Elvis Presley 

I want someone that i can embrace everyday after work.

someone that i can show off my cooking skills. 

I want a workout partner, encouraging each other to do better, to compete. 

I want a someone that I can build my home with. 

I want someone that is proud to be loved by me.

I want someone that I can showoff to my friends and family.

I want someone that know all my scars and know how to love me right.

I want someone that wont give up on us. 

I want someone to make decisions with, go through hurricanes with, i want us to be a team.

I want secret hand shakes and inside jokes. 

I want to be the reason or the rock behind his success his happiness. 

I want our relationship to be unshakable. 

-I want all these to come true.-

Rusty

Clinging onto the train handle in the semi cramped LRT like my life depends on it, with the soft evening sun shining into the rectangular window.
looking at the golden city line moving further away. stunning.

I had a rather interesting conversation with someone recently.
I feel, in every breakup, there can only be one happy person.
I bet it feels good to be the lucky one.

and that was when she said.
She had to let him go because she love him.
being together is just wasting his time because she fell out of love.
at the same time found new love.
and staying together would only be selfish.

What do you think?
was it just excuses to make herself feel better? mercy killing? 

I said, life is not fair.
she chose happiness, no one can ever question or need any justification for what she did.
but by choosing her happiness she had to sacrifice him.
and for him to be happy, a question that she cannot answer.

I feel them both.
I do.
I had to sacrifice Faiz long time ago because I wasn't happy anymore. Miserable even.
It was the way he treated me. I don't miss him at all when I was with Jay. I still don't miss him now.
I chose Jay, because he once made me felt like I conquered the world, he was the missing puzzle.
but, Jay left, to find his happiness he sacrificed me.
Faiz eventually found his forever and always.
and here I am. left to die.

I think, this is an interesting topic to ponder about.
how can a breakup be fair?
how can a breakup ever, be fair?

all i did all those years ago was, ignorant, selfish.
being in a relationship with Faiz just because "being in a relationship".
We were young, fresh out of high school.
love was just a text asking me to be his girlfriend.

now, I understand that Love is a strong word.
to love is to work things out even when your relationship is as crusty as old rusty parts beyond repair.
to say i love you is easy, but to stay together during hurricanes and snow storms only exist in fairy tales.

I believe, truly, my tears meant nothing now.
when crying is everyday routine, tears seems worthless.
meaningless because I cried so much.
became a habit even.

I am convinced that I am a horrible person, someone that is unloveble, who cares if unlovable is not a word, fuck it, I am still going to use it as my tinder bio. 

but.
I don't want to be that girl that you can easily "brozone"
that girl that you think is funny and cool.
that girl that you think is tough and fearless.
truth is, I am just good at acting or faking.
truth is, my heart is fragile and frail. 
truth is, I crave your attention.
truth is, I want to be the little spoon.
I want to share my deepest, scariest thoughts and someone to hold during my melt downs.
to feel irrationally in love again with someone.
at least let me feel something.

alas, I am always that fat girl, your best wing girl.
"You are so cool Yoke."
"Yoke, I really feel comfortable talking to you."
"Yoke, you are really funny."
call it a blessing or a curse. I don't know.

-i don't have butterflies when i see you, but my heart definitely hurts a little when I am not the one you like-  
-I wish I was the lucky one- 

2019

2019 New Year's Eve was one of the best I've ever had.
A simple gathering with friends that will never give up on me even they found someone better.
I actually felt that I can start new. A brand new chapter and that i survived the worst.

Hope, a peculiar thing.
use correctly, can make the blind see and the crippled walk.
Hope, can also cause the happiest person on earth to die of heartache.

Yet, I love playing with fire.
I welcome you hope, once again in my life.
2019 is all about changing my perspective on life.
my only resolution is to be a happier me.
letting go of toxic people.
I feel empowered to not let losers hurt me, take advantage of me anymore.
The worst had passed.
New year, a whole new page, a clean slate.

Starting new doesn't mean that I can forget Jay.
I still miss him, God knows how much I wish to hold his hands again,
to see him smiling at me on his bike.
to listen to him sing just for me and our inside jokes.
God knows how much I wish to have him pulling my head close to his chest.
falling asleep listening to the sound of his steady heart beat.
It's never gonna happen again I know.
Memories.
and memories that i shall carry to my grave.
Truth, I know no matter how hard I pray or try or cry nothing is ever going to make him change his mind or break this spell.
Truth, I know it is almost impossible to be happy like I used to be when i had him.

Truth, I am strong, therefore I will force myself to survive even without him.

You can only wish for a love so strong.
someone that is willing to be with you to hell and beyond.

but i am not going to put my feelings forward anymore,
been using memories of Jay to wear off any feelings I have for anyone.
been using memories of Jay to end a bad day at work, always telling myself that at the end of the day,
just maybe, maybe he would still be standing there, waiting for me like he used to.
maybe just maybe those memories of him making me laugh will make my bad day slightly better.
or maybe I am just crazy.

so i had a dream about this person last night,
and today, he texted me a picture of himself,
finally a normal text in a very long time.
but
Do you know what is sad?
It's when your entire mind heart and soul wants to believe that this actually means something,
truth is, there's really nothing to it than just pure coincidence.
so you have no choice but to kill all hopes,
no choice but to use each and every fiber in my body to push the thought out from my head.

I survived the worst part of 2018.

-let's hope that 2019 will be good to all my sedih gurls- 

Let me dream.

I thought of us, miraculously running back to each other.
It's like I have broken the spell that kept us apart.

The image of you and i embracing each other like there will be no tomorrow.
Me drowning in tears, head pressed against your chest like it was suppose to.
You hugging me so tight and long never letting go.
Us just hugging not saying a word.
I don't need any explanation, I don't need you to make it up to me.
All I really want is you, us. again.
Just the idea of us against the world like it was supposed to.

Does this mean that I have not moved on at all?
am i pathetic to miss you?
I miss you more than the stars in the galaxy.
At least I am not embarrassed to admit that I am a fucking loser that can't stop thinking about Jay.

You were my world.
Don't you know how much you meant to me?
What does it take for you to do this to me?
I must be a horrible person.

No.

I believe I am a horrible person because no guys.
none of them are interested to know me like you once did.
none of them want to spend time for my silly jokes and ideas.
none of them want to just hold me and look me in the eyes like you once did.
none of them reassured me like you did.

but none of them can ever hurt me like you hurt me.
If only you knew what happened to me after you left.
but it really doesn't matter, you no longer care.

I believe I am a horrible person because it was so easy for you to fall in love again with another girl to push my entire existence out from your memory.
all the things we've been through, all the things you said and all the things we promised each other.

is going to a therapist helping me?
I have no idea.
do i want to continue going?
to be honest, no.
no one in this world can make me as happy like you did.

I believe i am a horrible person because God wants to punish me, i pass by the place you last say "i love you" every single day.
I was always hoping for someone to come rescue me, but no.
all that came was dementors in human form sucking my soul with each kiss.

I don't know what I have become or who i am.
I used to think that i am a good person with awesome personality, funny, smart, kind, beautiful.
I was delusional back then, all i was, all i am is this useless piece of shit.
and that is the whole reason for the breakup.
and that is also the whole reason for all the guys to be the way they are with me.
because I am horrible and a useless piece of shit.

all the learn to love yourself, you have friends and family bullshit is starting to sound like nonsense to me.
how can a friend of many, many years be mad at me because of something that i didn't do, something that she imagined.
I must be really horrible.
i guess when people are really happy, petty things like this matters.

my friend, remember you once looked me in the eye and told me that "YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT YOKE"
i don't think so anymore. I used to believe it, but it's starting to wear off.
i don't understand where did you get the idea of me having ill thoughts of you.
It's a joke.
my life is a fucking joke.
I really wish i was never born, i have nothing, did nothing contribute nothing.

but in the end, who doesn't want to be love, even a horrible person like me wants to feel belong again, i know i don't deserve anything. but yeah. I wish, I can be happy again.
this time i really am going to die alone right?
no joke, in all seriousness i am going to just rot alone right?

-God, just let this useless piece of shit dream.-

+65

and so we met.
not in a million years that I thought we'd meet.

You are undeniably chill, very funny and super comfortable around people.
Last weekend was hectic, who would have known, you really came in such short notice.
I love our impromptu getaway, it was refreshing.

You remind me so much of Jay.
to be honest i think i was able to get comfortable fast and open up because both of you are dangerously alike but still very different individual.
both of you are tall. plays music, talks a shit ton, love making fun of me, weird obsession with car plates.
The way you talk, reminds me so much of the time when Jay used to tell me stories.
I miss him picking my hand up to play air guitar.
Odd that both of you googled me.

When we were together it felt so familiar and comfortable. it felt like we have know each other for a very long time as though as i really know you. I was puzzled.
Took me some time to figure out, all these while my feelings towards Jay never left.
It was there all along, and now, your existence triggered it.
but there is nothing I can do.

How pathetic am i to still be loving someone that moved on long time ago.
How pathetic am i to still be loving someone that doesn't give a shit about me anymore, not in a million years.
How pathetic am i to see Jay in you from the corner of my eyes, occasionally confusing myself if you are Jay.
The things that you did things that you said, oh i miss Jay.

I am glad we turned out to be friends because, I am not good enough for you obviously, not even close.
You are way out of my league and I do not intend asking anything from you.
I like this. This is just nice. a million reasons for us not to be romantically involve.

i do wish that you can bring me along on your adventures around the world.
God knows i am longing to see the world just don't feel like doing it alone.
Would be great if i can tag along.


-would you ever forget me?-

Good things

I haven't posted anything in August.
I got a job, did I tell any of you that?
I wouldn't say that its my dream job, but its pretty decent. Great company. Good pay.

I also got myself a kitten. Her name is Tinki. She is just the most precious little thing!
Tinki is short for Tinker Bell.
She is 1 month old when i adopted her. I just can't believe that anyone would want to throw her away.
Humans.
Most of my time at home is being occupied by Tinki. She is super curious. When I first brought her home she was so tiny and shy but when she got used to the house she basically went berserk.
I love that cat.
I think she loves me a lot too. 

Life is suppose to be complete, i am suppose to feel contented.
somehow, i am still feeling empty.
This is the scary part, when I thought getting a job, and a cat would solve all my problems, they just don't.

and so. life goes on with not too many good things.

I met a guy, he is totally not the type of guy that I would go for.
He is somewhat more mature.
He is like this sweet adorable little old man.
I like him, I do. I like the way he is nice to me.
He is smart, funny, nice and honestly pretty cool.
gets my joke and I feel like don't need to lower down my intelligence when talking to him.
I really enjoy my time with him, and i wish oh i wish he enjoys it as much as I do.

Obviously we have known each other not very long ago but I would love to try, just try to be more than just this.
This, nothingness.

I wish he would want to know me more, but things are just not going that way.
He is obviously not interested to be more than nothing.
I hate myself for thinking about him all the time.
I hate myself for missing him, sort of.

forehead kisses are poison, i shouldn't have allow him to kiss my forehead.

and i hate myself for building up feelings for him. because we all know, nobody loves Yoke, everyone just want to have fun and leave.

I am only writing this to make my feelings for him go away, just die away.
I also realised that, whenever I share good things in my life, it would go away eventually.
so, I hope he just leave me, like all the other boys.

I told him, ever since i met him, i have found my own paradise.
It was a joke about his name.
chill bitches.

- I am not sure but, do you know, all I want is for someone to love me and all my scars.-

it hurts here

it hurts.
it still hurts.
it hurts here and there.

no matter how much i try to brush it off, to face it, to cry it away. fixing it is even worse.
it hurts.
I have no idea how to end this.

it hurts.
i tried, believe me i tried to pull myself out from this massive black hole.
i don't think i can do it anymore.
can anyone just mute the voices for me.

it hurts
when all i feel is no one gives a shit. fact that they do care.
i just can't

open up my heart so that i can feel all the love they are trying to pore into my heart.
help me see what my eyes cant see.
let me feel their love.
instead of wallowing in this cloud of sadness.

i don't want to live my life like everyone screw me over.

it hurts. no matter what. it hurts to the point that i told myself.
i would rather die than fall in love again.
because it hurts.

believing in miracle  that does not exist.
it hurts to know that i am so not lovable.

People always say love yourself so that others love you.
If they don't love my scars and me at my worst, me now what gives them the right to love me when i am really me?

it hurts, happy ending is a lie and it hurts.

-can anyone just make all these feelings go away -

Friends?

I have been having issues with maintaining friendships now a days.
By maintaining i mean not fucking up.

I did not have very pleasant memories of being friends with girls during primary school.
maybe we were still young and don't have any idea what friendship is all about but i remembered nights crying wondering why didn't they like me?
I was really shy long time ago. awkward and sweating all the time. zero confidence.
I was so shy to the point that I cannot handle speaking in front of my class.
There was once when my teacher called my name to solve a math equation, i was so anxious to the point that i was dripping sweat on my math book.
nervous, nausea, anxious and i hated math. I was never good in math, I just can't grasp the concept of it you know.


Well as time goes by, i grew out of that phase.
I am no longer the shy awkward fat girl that sweats a lot.
I still sweat a lot but miraculously i have no problem (most of the time) talking and meeting new people it got better after the break up.
Friendship wasn't a problem for me in the longest time.
But recently, I am having trouble with keeping them drama free.

It bothers me a lot, this cold war, not talking to each other, blocking each other on whatsapp, social medias.
Funny how blocking someone on your phone equals to blocking them out from your life.

Dear people that blocked me,

Am i that horrible that you see fit to just block me out? Does it make you feel better not having me in your life? Don't you have times that you think of me? nothing trigger memories of us hanging out having fun? I am tired of this fucking nonsense. Is there really no way for us to be friends again?
Should I text first? call first? 

I am trying too hard to win everybody's heart huh.
I wonder, how to not fuck things up. Is there a book? a movie? youtube videos on how to not fuck things up 101.
How many block counts = horrible person?
A few of my close friends told me to keep my circle small.
How do I do that? Keeping my circle small.

Gosh. I suck at writing, inspirations just don't come that easy anymore. I used to have tons of shit to write down in my phone. Words just rain down on me. not anymore. not anymore.
Now, I am just staring at my dusty laptop forcing myself to write something to make myself feel better.
My dreams to be a great writer is crumbling down day by day.
Who do i have to blame?
me, myself and i.

-I just wish girls can be nice to each other and not let boys ruin everything.- 

You are loved.

One of my friend posted "I just want to be dead, because no one care"
It hurts me.
It hurts me because he is one of my closest friend, at least that is what i felt.
I am not sure if i am in his list of top 10 favorite people but he sure is in mine.

This friend, we fight, argue, used to hate him used to love him.
I cared and still cares about him. a lot.

What hurts the most is he is too stubborn or rather selfish to see how much he is loved by his friends.
I don't entirely understand what he is going through.

but I have been through horrible times too. You saw me. The state that i was in. You witnessed. 
All i used to want is to be loved by someone that love me back. A guy a relationship, my so called happily ever after.
I was so fixated by the idea of finding the one it made me awfully bitter and miserable.
I was horrible, hurt a lot of good people. especially people that really love me and cared.
everything i think feel see is negative, truly devastating.
I was so sad and alone thinking that no one love me and that no one cares and I suck because I wasn't in a relationship, and that I am not good enough.
Happiness was a rare thing and was defined by relationship status. I was existing rather than living life.
I have so much love to give, it was so overwhelming, I used to feel like dying too remember?

but these few months really opened up my entire head space. looking at the world with an entire different perspective, a fresh pair of eyes.
I have family and good friends that supports me, love me no matter what.
I mean it, no matter what.
I was such a bitch, terribly rude, very selfish and they had to put up with my crazy mood swings EVERY SINGLE DAY.
and yet THEY ARE STILL HERE!
I don't know what you guys see in me and why are you guys still here.
but thank you.
a million times thank you from the deepest end of my heart.

Life is really too short to wallow, sulk or be sad.
I wish you see what you have, try new things get to know new people, go on adventures.
trust me, this world, is really not that bad.
I wish you can see yourself through my eyes, i know i always say this but, what can i do to really make you love you more?

Be brave, take the first step.
Step out from the coffin that you've built. 
I would hold you hands if you want to. We can always walk together.
I want you happy.
happiness is really better than being addicted to pain.
appreciate the little things remember?

You are getting there buddy, just hang on a little, good things are coming. takes time, and who knows how long whatever it is, i believe you. not gonna give up on you.
you believed in me and i am forever grateful for that.

I don't care if this post annoys you bother you, i can't be cruel enough to just let you be.
well maybe this little sad little lonely little charming sort of vibes may get you girls but dude. don't die yet. i love you.

I am not trying to tell anyone off, not trying to prove that I am "better" or anything.
All i want is to let you, you and especially you my dear friend know that, no matter what, i truly believe there is one person that really cares about you and love you unconditionally. at least i care. and i am going to repeat it till you are sick of me because i do.
so. don't.
don't die.
coming from a girl that wanted to kill herself because of a boy that dumped her via WhatsApp.

-so please. don't give up. don't die. don't leave me yet.-

Kekasih Gelap

I jumped out of bed, kicked off my blanked and ran to get my laptop for this post.

I was thinking of you. No to be honest, I think of you often.
It started with a cute comment then sort of became this flirting game between us.

I think of you. Oh, that laugh of yours it radiates like sun shine.
When I said my prince charming is probably stoned somewhere, finding his way to me.
You said it might be you.
The moment you responded when i said good morning prince charming
and us flirting all day long is fun.

First time meeting you, even though you were super late but with a very good forgivable reason.
We clicked completely, I can tell from your smile and the way we talked.
Your eyes twinkles every time i giggle at your jokes.
The night air flowing through us on top of the hill, looking down at the city lights.
I can't stop staring at your luscious lips and again your contagious laugh.

fact that we hang out till dawn and still have so much to talk about.
fact that you impressed me, seems effortless even though you said you tried to be cool not to screw up.
I love it when i don't need to pretend in front of you, being me, spontaneous.
Our stupid jokes and hanging out with you is the best.
Us talking about your scars and my boring ass stories.

Our first kiss, for me was electrifying, that spark that i was desperately trying to feel from all the other guys.
I felt it with you, it felt right, I never thought that I would feel sparks again after Jay.
We both know this is how far we can be because, consequences.
We have to stick to the plan. Our plan.

I love spending time doing nothing with you.
You are sometimes the right amount of crazy i need. turns me on and gets me going.
It's the vibe you give, takes some of real life issues and pressure off.
little escape for me. hope it is to you too.
either way, I enjoy this effortless "relationship" we have.
I won't ask for anything more. This is good enough for me.
This is fun because it is the way it is and nobody needs to know you.

I cherish the fact that you acknowledge one day, we might fall for each other.
but honey, reality sucks. The world does not revolve around us.
maybe in a parallel universe we are probably be super chill, happy together and we don't need to hide whatever this is.
but this is how far it goes. sticking to the plan is the best for you and i.
I like you, I do despite whatever selfish reasons that we are doing this. I like you.
I like you because this is fun. I hope you like me because this is fun.
and she is a very lucky girl. I am sorry for not wanting to care.

-I meant it when i said I would go for you if you were single.-

Lucky?

I have been thinking of what to write for a few days now
Funny thing to have the urge to write, but have nothing to talk about and a lot happening.
So I decided to revisit old videos and pictures of Jay.

I know. I am messed up.
I have been visiting them often to be honest.
They make me feel grounded. safe. kinda happy to see the old me and him.

The idea of watching old videos of us reminds me how it felt to be in love.
I am not obsessing over him or anything but it sort of help me think and not falling for anyone.

I wanted someone to be there for me to guide me.
Lead me out from this tunnel.
Guys are still coming and going from my life. It's becoming mundane after a while.

So I went for a tarot card reading not long ago.
Apparently, I was right God hates me and is fooling with my relationships.
No wonder all the guys that approached me seems interested at first but changed drastically when i blinked.
God is playing a sick game called "I shall give you happiness. HAHA kidding. FUCK YOU bitch, imma take it away now."

Seems like he is also fooling with my career, I get rejection emails after each and every "promising" interview.
To be honest I am good for now, I mean God can fool with my relationship, not looking for anything serious.
All the hopes that I had in my heart to believe in true love died long time ago.
I am really just having fun, wasting my time away (jobless)
But I am happy, at least I won't get cranky going out from my house.
I am making new friends.
having the courage to block toxic people out from my life. I am so glad i did.

Life is good.
sometimes i do miss having someone to discuss and make decisions like "what to eat" or just be mature for me with me.
yet. Life is good.

I told you i was right all along, I knew something was wrong between me and God.
The card says God is freaking pissed with me.

If God hate me still in my next life, I'd do all these again because all of these makes me who I am now.
We are strong. All my sedih gurls out there, we've got each other.
Even life comes crushing me down, no matter how much this divine power "God" try to break me bend me.
I am going to bounce back up, who cares if it happens after a lot of crying and struggling and eating.
makes me stronger. I refuse to believe that I have "bad luck" because life is good.
My dad told me "you star is always shining very bright."
and i truly feel life is good.

-I am proud of all my scars and all the weight that I've gained. -

Saving myself

Other people will forever have their own opinions.
They are not me, they will never feel what i felt.
Everyone's break up story is different.
You can call me desperate, weak, self abuse.
You can call me anything but you will never ever feel what i felt.
You can judge however you want. you can gossip you can tell whoever you want.
I really don't blame anyone.

So let me tell you a story.

My parents were strict throughout my life. growing up there was no good cop bad cop in my family. They are always a team. relationship goals. no siding anyone but each other.
I did not have anyone or a shoulder to cry on after my grandma passed away.
so when I started to have boy friends they were the people that I would go to.
a shoulder. a hug. someone that would always stand on my side. back me up.
Again I am not trying to blame anyone. this is just my story to tell.

After Jay left i had no one. He left that basically killed me, crushed my spirit my whole will to live. It's like God banished me, swore to torture me.

It all started when I realised I can't sleep. No matter how hard i try, he was always lingering in my head.
His voice, his face, his smile.
That break up text. The way he said "I dah tak sayang you"
No matter how hard I try to erase or not to think about them, everything about us haunted me.
Being the eldest I do not want to appear weak. Parent's expectation. Sisters expectation.
I told them I was doing fine and that i needed time.
Fact is, I was dying inside. I cried myself to sleep every night. I cried on the way to work basically whenever I was alone. avoided all the songs that we used to sing, avoided romance movies.
I hated crying in front of people.
Weak. I told myself. I can't let them know.
I kept crying and praying to God to make all these feelings and emotions stop. Alas, no prayers were answered. till now.
I decided to self medicate. To save myself.
Thought about dying basically everyday, but I was held back. Maybe I didn't have the balls or the fact that I still love my family.
So I started self medication. I felt so much better, it helps with my depression and my panic attacks.
I met new friends. broken people like me, for once i felt belonged.

But the story did not stop there.
along my way I have met shitty ass hole guys
Guys that used me, took advantage of me, lied to me, left me hanging, opened up my eyes to the filthy part of the world.
They took and took and took till I have nothing else to give. no one ever really liked me.

even someone that once claimed to be my best friend and would protect me from all the shitty people hurt me, he was not serious with his life, made decisions that hurt other people without him feeling guilty. disappointed me, currently ignoring me.

and people said
"You are too easy."
"You are too desperate."
"Love yourself more."
I too blame myself.

They make it as though as only perfect people deserve to  be loved and broken people like me deserve nothing.
I tried to be better, love myself. distract myself. do the things i love. be alone. independent. talk to friends. talk to new people. quit my job. challenge myself.

along my way, friends that were once single became unavailable anymore.
Lesser time to hang out.
I did not want to disturb them with their new happiness.
I was once left alone.
I get it you know, people come and go.
I get it, i do.
but i am still sad.
where do i go now. where is my prince charming?
and so i self medicate. to numb my feelings. to numb my emptiness.

I don't think professional help can offer me the cure i need.
I know what i want. I want to be happy like i was 2 years ago.
I want to feel alive and have a purpose to live again.
but that will never really happen again right?

and they said "you have your family."
and yes. you are right. I know I am super fortunate for that. I am and i realised. but it will never be the same isn't it. the emptiness. this loneliness.
ironically people that are currently in relationship say "you dont need a boy friend you have friends and family."
makes me wonder who gives you the fucking rights to say that. I was alone when i have panic attacks, i was alone when i cry and desperately hoping for the pain to stop.

you can call me desperate a million times, but still can't change the fact that i know i will always need that shoulder to cry on that someone to hold my hand and that someone to stand by my side that once one that will love me like i loved him.

they make it seems so easy as though they feel my pain.
I wish i can transfer some of my pain.

along my way, i also realised that i wasn't as strong as i imagine. i let people take advantage of my kindness. this world is fucked up as it is.
I let people destroy me again and again.
I am broken. broke.

You can judge me all you want. I just wanted to be happy.

This is just my story to tell why I self medicate and yes, i was trying to save myself.
i will still continue to save myself.
mom, dad if self medicating is disappointing you i will stop. as long as you are happy.

and so now. all i can hope is, to get a job. and continue existing because none of my prayers wishes seems to be answered.
if this is not enough, well. i have gave my all. and this is what's left.

Once again, this is my story to tell, i am not blaming anyone for all the decisions I have made.

Sabah 2018

I am known for making irrational drastic decisions.
I am very emotional and passionate.
1 year ago, I decided to join one of my friend to conquer Mount Kinabalu.
Did not take me more than 5 minutes to think through.

and so after a month of training.
I realised that I am going on a trip with a group of other people that I do not know anything about besides the often ignored group whatsApp.

So, this interesting journey begins at the airport with a series of typical awkward "Hi I am Yoke." conversation.
10 of us with only 1 goal.

I stayed in my own bubble most of the time, observing mostly, language barrier.
Most of them spoke Cantonese.
My Cantonese sucks, I have the accent of a 3 year old child.
I listen most of the time trying real hard to be on the same page.
Yes, I have times that I feel like an outcast.

I was really hoping to get something out of the hike.
I was trying to make a statement to myself.
I wanna prove to myself that I am not worthless and i am strong.
I wanna think things through, perhaps after conquering Mount Kinabalu I can see things from a different perspective.
Perhaps be happier with myself.
Perhaps be less needy.
Perhaps being alone is not that bad after all.

The entire journey from Kota Kinabalu to Kundasang was interesting.
One of our rented car broke down in the middle of I dont know where, phone reception sucks and it started raining.

When we finally reached our accommodation, it was already dinner time.
Kundasang is cooling, I love it. It's like early summer time in UK.

We went to Desa farm, yeah the place that looks like New Zealand with dalmatian cows.
10 of us was in awe when we saw the magnificent Mount Kinabalu in front of us.
It was magical and mysterious with all the clouds and mists covering almost half of the mountain.
On our way back to dinner, God decided to bless us with an entire arch of colors. I was the one shouted "rainbow!"
Yes. We saw a full set of rainbow, during sunset. Our accommodation was located on a hilly slope, makes it even better.
What a blessing.

At night i sunk out for the moon and stars. I was alone with my phone in my pjs.
I just need to get the perfect picture of the full moon. We were looking at the same moon. I am sure of it.

The day came we were all ready. Getting our bags and having breakfast loading up carbs for the hike.
Our host, was the person that came bearing bad news. It felt like someone special ditched you in the middle of having candle light dinner when you are about to kiss.

The disappointment was overwhelming, apparently, the host was not able to get any of us permits for the hike.
We've booked the trip for the past year, just like "poff" all my hopes and dreams and goals and bucket list gone.

but this trip made me realised a few important points:
1. I could never date Chinese dudes, oh the communication, and mind set barrier is just so obvious. Ridiculous even.
2. Keeping my cool, for not rolling my eyes and flipping out when dealing with annoying people. Believe me, i try so hard not curse.
3. Getting out from my comfort zone.
4. but most importantly, "when you lose something, you gain something back in return."

I remembered one of my friend telling me, "it's not the destination, it's about the journey."
We definitely did not conquer the mountain of Gods but I did went on a awesome "Tip of Borneo" road trip for the most enchanted sunset even though our rented car decided to give us attitude again.

We saw a sea of green paddy fields along the way, they were softly swaying with the wind under the blazing afternoon sun.
It was scorching hot, but I enjoyed the wind, softly blowing in my face and hair, with the rustling sound of the paddy filed.
Birds flying under the peaceful blue sky. What a spectacular view.

We stopped by a river, dipped my toes into the warm, crystal clear water.
An old hanging bridge was right on top of the river just like the bridge to Terabithia.
I washed my face with the water, it was very refreshing, the water was untouched by pollution.

On the way back, it was pitched black due to the lack of lamp posts but we were once again blessed by a galaxy of stars, twinkling and dazzling like scattered moon dust under the night sky.

To be honest, I am glad that I met all of them, my new travel buddies, thou we are not always on the same page but I appreciate all the efforts just to make this trip better.

Well, did not make it up to Mount Kinabalu, but hey, I met people, made friends, ate delicious food, saw rainbows and sunsets and stars.
I need to stop giving out negative vibes.
I need to chose the life style I want.
I need to love myself more.

-life is really a funny thing-

Back home.

I did it.

I did it. 

I quit my job. I moved back to Kuala Terengganu. 

I wish i could jokingly say I moved back to be a mermaid. 

Truth is. 

I was about to kill myself. Just didnt have the balls to do it. 

I just had to stay away from the city. 

I need to find peace and clear my head. 

Being back home with my parents and my old friends, jobless and only focusing on myself is a pretty big and scary decision. 

To be honest i am fucking terrified. 

What is going to happen next? 

But being home, makes me feel like this is the best decision i have ever made for myself. 

I love it here. I love it. 

It has been almost a week now. 

I can proudly say that i am definitely taking better care of myself. 

I did all i could to be happy. 

I said i'd make you proud. 

But. I miss you. We say it so much to each other i wonder do you mean it as much as i mean it.

I wish i could share every little details of my daily life with you. 

Every little excitements. From the smallest things like how pretty was the moon that night, watching money heist or had a great workout to things like how much i miss my grandma. 

I tried talking to other people but. It's just not the same. 

I just want to share it with someone that understands my excitement. 

Someone who gets me. 

What am I trying to do? It hurts. It hurts so bad to be a good friend. 

It hurts. No matter what i do or what you do it hurts

It hurts to be friends it hurts more to leave. 

There really is no right or wrong. It's my decision. It really is better this way. 

maybe I am addicted to the pain. 

i don't know what the fuck am i doing anymore. 

What the fuck am i trying to prove giving you relationship advises while crying and hurting. Fucking hipocrite. 

I don't know anymore. 

All i know is. 3 words. 8 letters. Irreversibly. 

I am not picky. I just know what i want. 

I want someone that speaks to my soul. 

For now. I know. For real. Seriously cross my heart. 

It was you and still is. 

Actually. I am glad that we are far away now. It sort of hurt less not knowing and not seeing. 

Besides. I am happy most of the time here.

But. I miss you. 

I guess i really did all i could. Hey. You know what. I am happy as long as you are happy. Regardless.
That is what really matters.

-I don't understand why do i need to try so hard not to lose you. 

You were never really mine to begin with-

Best Buddies.

Someone once told me that if I fall in love with the heart instead of the look, it is either, i have to die loving that person or grow out of it.

This is a story about me falling for my best friend.
I don't know when, but fate is a funny thing in this story.
The fact that I have no clue how we knew each other or even have each other's contact is mind blowing.
I remember the 1st time hanging out with you, I have no idea that we have never met in person.
I have always thought that I knew you.
Maybe you were always there you know, like the familiar name that pops up on my social media.

So, we started hanging out and you introduced me to the boys.
I love hanging out with you and my boys.
Every weekend spent with you guys are special made me feel so refreshed.

the beginning of our friendship was having conversations about relationships and feelings. we talked a lot.
I love listening to your stories and you sharing your little secrets.
You know me as who I really am beneath all the tattoos and piercings. I mean you should know, after all the late night conversations.

Among all the boys I feel the closest to you but never crossed my mind as someone that I would actually fall for.
This funny feeling just gradually creep up on me, and one day I realised, it was too late to push stop.

I remembered there was once, hanging out at my place and it was the 3 of us, Din fell asleep, it was late and the quiet night was only filled with his snore. It was only you and I, talking till dawn. I think I fell asleep holding your hands. Despite how uncomfortable my couch was I slept peacefully with no nightmares.

Oh and dancing to our song. little special moments like that makes me fall even more. It was so obvious, you knew.

Then it sort of turn into some stupid flirting game between us, I was so confused by the things you said and did.
It was way out of the friendship zone.
I was so confused, afraid, it was basically driving me mad.
You were an ass hole giving me mix signals and refuse to talk about it.
maybe you enjoyed playing games. I can never really know what is underneath that professor head of yours.
You are effortlessly cool and sometimes charming in your own way, and I really like that.
I never see you as a loser, you are a little nerdy but cool at the same time.

and finally the time came, we had a very long talk about us.
turns out, it was just me.
all you wanted was to be my friend.
but you were still an ass hole to play games.

I guess i was hurt because I felt unwanted and i thought you were different.
you were my best person to call whenever all the other boys out there crush my heart, used me.
after all my heart break and drama, I'd always go back to you.

One of the biggest reason i fell for you was because, you make me want to be a better version of me.
You are calm and I am impulsive.
You are caring, and really a sweet person.
You seems always interested in my stories.
like you genuinely care for me.
also our inside jokes and being sneaky behind our friends.
or maybe you are the brother that i never had.

I am glad that we talked it out last night. I feel even closer to you since there's no stupid misunderstanding between us anymore.
does not make sense to give up on our friendship just because of what happened.
but, i dont think i can ever fall in love again though.
it sort of make me lose faith in a way. maybe this is temporary. i dont know.

I wish I can be your best friend during your wedding, I still sort of cannot picture seeing you getting married to another girl. I can't promise that wont crush my heart I guess I just need to put on a brave face and be happy.
Isn't that what friends are for?
I know it is still far away, but it is bound to happen.

At the end of the day, don't we all just want to feel loved and belonged?

and that is the story of me, falling in love with another person after Jay. it was still a fail isn't it?
I am not special, cool or pretty enough to be loved i guess.
I am not good enough.

-I am not at all trying to make you fall in love with me or anything-