teach me please.

I always like to think our relationship is like Hannah and Adam in Girls.
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.

They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.

"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.

The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.

I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.

What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.

You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.

To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.

it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.

I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.

you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.

Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?

How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.

and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?

During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.

I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.

everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?

-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-