How long does it take?

Why am i still feeling like shit after this long.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.

My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"

Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.

Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.

Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.

My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.

I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.

I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.

No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.

"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.

You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.

Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.

Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.

Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.


Please just stop this punishment.