Pain

People always ask me if my piercings and tattoos hurt.
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.

How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on

I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.

You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.

I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.

If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.

little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.

Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?

I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.

Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.

the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.

all his promises that i am trying to forget.

Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.

This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.

Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.

I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.

-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-