I hate you

Today, well part of today is not a really good day for me.
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.

Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.

But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?

Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?

Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!

I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.

I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.

I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.

I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.

I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?

I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.

I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.


I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.

I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.

I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.

I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.

I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.

I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.

I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.

I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"

I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.

I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.

Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.

-Boleh Pergi Mampus-