The boy that loves the ocean

He loves the ocean maybe a little more than she does.
She is constantly waiting for the time that she can dip her feet in the warm salty water.
Every single time he brings her to the beach.
That excitement on her face, together with the twinkling stars in the sky.
they love the beach, feels like they truly belong, maybe not to each other but growing up by the beach. It is where her soul belongs.

She loves everything about it.
The night sky, sound of the waves.
smell of their burning cigarettes.
the stars especially the stars,
and him telling her everything and anything about his fishes and the ocean, real or made up, she didn't care.

How the current moves and how to differentiate stars and satellites. The healing power of the sand.
The moon formation. The direction of the wind, the tides.
accompanied by good music.

Just like that, both of them sitting by the beach at night, sharing dreams hopes and secrets, when the world is asleep.
He would sometimes grab a handful of soft sand and just let them go with the wind.
It's like something beautiful looking at him doing that.
He brought her to his sanctuary, a place that he goes to clear his head.
She likes the smell on his shirt.
its a mixture of perfume, detergent, salty sea water and a hint of sunshine.

He loves the open water, and salt crystals that dried up on his face under the hot blazing sun.

One night when the crickets were singing and the waves crashed the shore, she told him all her fears.
he held her like nothing in this world could hurt her anymore.
How people took her for granted.
He told her how strong she is, and that she is destined to do something big.

Deep down, all she wanted was a simple life, like his, by the sea.
She remembered that night, when he kissed her cheeks for the 1st time.
Deep down, that was what she wished for.
like finally everything is going to be alright.
Things is going to be better for her.

One night, sitting on the sea swing, him holding her in his arms listening to nothing but the water beneath their feet.
Life can be as simple and carefree as it is.

Well, the ocean is not always gentle, it can be destructive, mysterious, full of dark secrets, just like him.
When tsunami hits, it took it all away again.
and there she is. left with nothing but 2 tiny seashells that he gave her.

I envy couples that stick together,
no matter how fucked up their relationship is, none of them gave up.
fighting with all their might to work it out.

but, when he gave up on me. it crushed my spirit, the way i see things. basically crushed everything.
This feeling about being unwanted is horrible.

Hospitalised

I was hospitalised for 3 fucking days.

11 January 2018
I had this weird pain coming from my stomach.
Never felt pain like that before.
Was I too hungry?
Truth is.
I was starving myself for almost 3 days.
Yes. I was.
I did't really eat. I drank coffee. tea. little bit of biscuits.
and honestly this have been going on for quiet a while now.
I never had to guts to admit it.
But yes. I was starving myself because I wasn't happy and also I don't know why.
Why did I starve myself for?
So, I went back home from work, chug whatever medication that I can find at home.
Ate KFC and drank whatever milk that was in my fridge.
Didn't really help I vomited every single bite of that spicy friend chicken.
I took God knows what medication again and this time, the pain stopped.
Did not sleep well but at least my stomach is not acting up.

12 January 2018
I got super hungry the next morning so i cooked myself a big pot of korean instant noodles.
believe me, it was a big pot.
Went to work. Forced myself to eat a subway sandwich and that's it.
Stomach was fine. so I thought. Cool. no big deal anyway.

13 January 2018
Got up a little late, didn't have time to eat.
Went to work had coffee and biscuits, ate honey stars cereals for dinner.
stomach was acting up a little after dinner, until I couldn't take it.
I was in so much pain that I had to excuse myself from work.
Went to the doctor. Told the doctor in tears that my stomach hurts.
Doctor said it was Gastritis.
Gave me medication.
I ate the medication right away.
chilled in my car before driving home.
Puked in the car while driving.
It was fucking epic. Luckily I found a random plastic bag in my car, so I didn't puke all over myself.
Trust me, it was so bad that i basically crawled back home.
Took extra dosage of the medication because I couldn't take the pain.
Stomach felt a wee bit better.

14 January 2018
Woke up ate a little, was my off day, basically chill day for me.
felt super bloated, drank warm tea, fucking fuck stomach started to act up.
This time it was so fucking bad, my back hurts I was sweating.
Called my parents and I was like, fuck this bull shit. I am going to the hospital.
Went to Columbia hospital, fucking hospital suck shit suck dick!
I don't fucking understand why did they even rent out the entire lobby for filming.
What the fucking fuck?
Come on there are other ways to raise money yeah?
and the staffs there was fucking unprofessional lousy ass slow poke.
got so frustrated, asked my sister to just leave that shit hole, wanted to go home and just die on my bed.
but sister dragged me to another hospital near by,
Went to Tawakal Hospital.
registration and also consultation was FUCKING LONG.
was admitted by the doctor, had panic attack cuz waiting for too long and I was fucking paranoid.
Finally got injection, stomach felt so much better.
can't really sleep, a lot was in my mind.

15 January 2018 
Doctor did Endoscopy. Found out I had gastritis no big deal. 
Friends came to visit me was really happy that they came. 
had long meaningful conversation with on of my buddy.
realised that i think i had a crush on him.
or was it the hospital?
Do i really like him? I wonder.

16 January 2018 
Doctor did ultrasound just to make sure he did not miss anything.
Found out that I have 2 tiny stones in my gallbladder about 8mm each.
Nothing to worry about yet. Discharged and need to see him in another 2 weeks.

I am so sorry that I didn't love myself enough.
I really need to thank my sisters for being there for me throughout the entire process.
Ohana. Family. Blood. 
I really need to take care of myself more.
Enough is enough. 
I was immature and stupid. 

Still trying to figure out my feelings for my mate but, was brutally friend zoned. 
I guess i better get over him, don't want to get hurt. 
Soon he will find himself a girl and I don't want to be crying because of that.

He is, the nicest, sweetest person. I honestly admire his talents, and the way he talks to his sister. 
I like the way we joke around, I love his smell.
Need to remind myself that, me and him impossible.
we are just mates. 

I want to be happy too. I honestly do. but I don't think he likes me the way i like him. 
so. I better get over this soon. 
Don't want to make things weird. 
mates will always be mates.
I learned my lesson.
I am sorry mom dad sisters.
I am sorry Fetty. I will love myself more.

-I am sorry Yoke. I love you.-

2018

Hey.
I am here to update my long over due post.

This year is so different. I was desperately planning for my new year eve.
I thought of partying and getting myself wasted so I won't remember shit.
I thought of just staying at home, crying till my eyes bleed.
I thought of so many things.
Every single time, us. How we used to be.
For the past 3 years, we spent new year together.
I didn't care where, as long as i was with you.
You were my first and last kiss for the year and next.
You were all I wanted. All we needed were each other.
You made me the happiest person alive. God damn it I loved you.
The fact that you told me "I love you" the night before and dumped me right after.
I love you. Every little flaws. Every little details about you.
I love you. Maybe I still do. I don't know anymore.

Well, we can't live in the past.

This year, I celebrated new year eve with my friends, we rented a posh villa had BBQ.
It was awesome.
to be really honest, I wasn't happy.
even before the party started I was hiding in my office toilet, crying.
I was crying so bad.
I didn't know why, all I know was, I was really really really genuinely sad.
I tried so hard to get out from the toilet, washed my face. Pretending to smile so that the whole world believed that I was Ok.

We had fun at the villa I tried to numb myself.
I honestly tried so hard to numb myself so that I won't feel shit.
We all went to the roof top, gorgeous KLCC view.
and fireworks. I love fireworks.
I stood there, with all my friends.
I thought of you of us.
No matter how much I tried to push it away.
No matter how high I was to numb my emotions.
I cracked.
I can't deny that I miss you. every single fireworks reminds me of us.
How we used to be.
This is for the longest time, my first new year as a single person.
I cried so hard.
My friends, oh my dear friends tried their best to hug me, kiss me, hold me.
It was so nice of them to love me when you wont.

I guess my heart died the next day.
I don't feel anything about you anymore.
completely numbed.
As if we never happened. I do think about you occasionally. Wondering if you are thinking about me too, but my heart stopped hurting because of you.
It stopped hoping you would come back.
It has been almost a year.
A year since I found out you cheated.

I am positive that 2018 will be good to me, to all my girls that were hurt, broken.
2017 was shitty. I have never felt like that in my life. I can't believe I was sad for a year. I allowed myself to free fall, life was a downward spiral.
I was crying almost every single day because of a boy that dumped me via WhatsApp right after he said he love me the night before.

It is all in the past now. We do not live in the past and I have no power at all to change the past.
2018, will be good.
I promise myself not to make stupid decisions.
Love myself more.
and also to run away.
I guess it is time for me to leave the city.
too much damage for the past year. I think, this time, I need to take a break.
I miss the ocean, the salty sea water the sun and sand.
I guess I need to be back to my roots for a bit.

I promise I will be back, stronger. Indestructible.

I still can't promise myself not to miss us or, what is left of us but I won't ever wish to the stars that you'd come back.
I love you. I guess I still do, but you are too selfish and stupid to know what love is.

I know there is someone out there perfect for me who understands and love, like I love you.
I don't care about you and whoever you are fucking anymore.
both of you don't matter.

It's sad that 10 years from now, you are going to be a dude that I used to date and none of the things we did matter. I probably won't remember you.
It's sad that 10 years from now, I can't tell my children how we fell in love and how crazily in love we were.
It doesn't matter anymore.

We can't live in the past.

The first party in 2018 was awesome.
I felt so happy, this time I flirt because I can and because I want to.
Not some kind of sick game I put myself into.
and I also understand don't let a "dead" person control your life.
2018 is good and will continue to be better.
I am too petty to wish you well.

Thanks for putting me through hell, I fought. I FUCKING fought for myself to stay sane everyday.
To get up and function like a normal human for the past year.
I am proud of who I am now. You will not be that monster that haunts my night.
and I can feel that my life will be great, wonderful even.

2018. Please don't let me down.


- life happens for me, not to me- 

was i ever happy?

Was I ever happy?
i have been asking myself this question for a gazillion times.
i mean was i?
Even with Jay, was i really happy?

I dont think people know unhappy I am with life,
with myself, with this bullshit.
I dont think people know, because behind all my stupid jokes
no one know how i cry myself to sleep almost every night.

I dont think i am a very happy person.
but.
Life is decently good now a days.
No drama.
No crazy party and mindless hook ups.

Life is simple, but is this all?
Is this all i want?
Was i happy 3, 4 even 5 years back?
I don't know.
I really don't.

in my quest of searching for happiness I have gotten myself more broken than ever.
I solve people's problem at work, but I don't even know how to sort out my own mess.

Maybe i stopped being happy when the world smack my face, telling me that I need to be at a certain weight, look a certain way so that people fancy me.
All these years I fought hard.
I was never a strong girl, the best I can do is give my signature smile.

I am sorry that all my posts are not motivational or encouraging. I wish I am more positive.

Honestly, I miss Jay, I really do, every waking moment and I am tired of lying to everyone including myself,
I never know that getting over him is this hard.
I remembered that rainy evening, just like today.
He told me "sebenarnya tak susah, you sendiri yang fikir susah."
That was when I asked him how he got over me so quickly.
I guess he never really loved me.
I was the one that gave my all, my heart.
Oh. My precious heart.
I don't know what have I done to it.

I really don't want Jay back anymore.
cross my heart. I don't want to restart whatever nonsense relationship we had.
I am just, sad.
I don't understand. Even if the genie gave me 1 wish to restart things with Jay.
I would have rejected him.
I don't want you back anymore. I mean it's not like he is coming back.
He is not ever coming back. ever.
that's the thing.
I am so hurt by him not even looking back.
As if I am this worthless piece of nothing, his biggest mistake.
He said "I yang bodoh pilih you."
How can anyone say that to someone.
I don't even say it to the people i dislike.
I just feel so broken and every time i try to pick up all the broken pieces i end up cutting myself more.
What should I do?
am i not worthy?
if God knows my pain, why is he stalling time?
Why he allow Jay to be happy with another girl that is going to be his potential wife.
Why?
I highly doubt that she is better than me.
but this is just me right?
If she is not better than me, he wouldn't have picked her.

He would have at least apologize.
I don't even know if him apologizing will do any good.
but him feeling guilty makes me feel better.
Jay, you said you love me though. You said "I janji I takkan tinggalkan you"
When you wrote that song for me. Janji Jaga Cinta. Why do you mean by that?
Your mom likes me. We took care of Daisy.
We had a dream. We had plans together remember?

What have I done to be this devastated.
I swear I am not strong. at all. It might seems that way.
Things are just wrong. 

People are telling me "he is not worth it. His loss. He lost someone that love him so much."
If this is true, why am i still so. unhappy. depressed even.
Depression is a big word and I do not want to put any label on my mental state.
This is just how i feel.

More than a week to 2018.
This year, the 1st picture will not be with you anymore.
This year, Christmas will not be like the years before.
Remember the time when you wanted to take selfies with the huge Swarovski tree in Pavilion.
I missed that.

I don't know what more damage can 2018 do to me.
but bring it on. I have nothing left for anyone to break.
I practically do not care. Thinking about life, makes me want to punch a wall every time.
takes a lot to suppress.

and yeah. The answer to was I every happy is still.
I don't know.

-merry fucking Christmas-

monsters.

The temperature of the air tonight feels oddly familiar.
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.

That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.

I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.

It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?

I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.

Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.

This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.

It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.

I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?

It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.

I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,

-I guess, I still can' stop missing you- 

truth hurts.

I was talking to a good friend of mine about God and that everything happens for a reason.
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.

Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.

I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.

You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."

Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.

He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.

The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.

The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?

Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.

One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.

Why?

Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.

Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.

Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.

- sesungguhnya selepas kesukaran itu kemudahan-   

A letter to my late grandma

Dear mama,

I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.

I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.

I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.

I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.

I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.

I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.

So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.

I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.



I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?

I forgive you Jay

I forgive you even you blocked me out from your life.
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.

I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.

I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.

I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.

I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you

I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.

I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.

I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.

Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.

What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.

Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.

honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.


-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-

Why am I still sad?

You know despite realising that he was just temporary in my life,
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.

It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.

It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.

Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.

Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.

I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.

Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.

as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.

Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.

I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.

I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.

I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?

well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-

fresh page

I was just driving to work one day, chilling enjoying the Kuala Lumpur traffic jam.
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.

Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.

Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.

All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.

I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.

I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.

Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.

and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.

Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.

No, I don't want you back too.

Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.

Good bye. RIP #jayyoke

someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy. 

-I am much more happier now-

#yoke26

I've had the best birthday party and i know i owe it to my family and friends.
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.

My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.

No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.


I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.

I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?

God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.

I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.

Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.

Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.

Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.

Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.

Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.

I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.

Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.


Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.

-#yoke26-

How to forgive him?

I have been posting shits about Jay lately.

because I really miss him, or am i not letting him go yet?

Someone once told me, to feel happy again is letting go, is to forgive him.

everything about him. everything he did. 

then i thought.

How to forgive him?

When he left me via whatsapp?

How to forgive him?

When I went to him on 19 February 2017 mid night,  day before his birthday. He was hiding in his house.

I knocked and knocked on his door hoping he would come out and we would sort this out. 

I was trying to fight for us, our relationship.

I was trying to rescue us. Hoping you'd still come to Avilion PD where i booked a room to celebrate your 26th birthday.

He did not even want to come out. 

He said via whatsapp "I tak nak tengok muka you. You bla. baik you bla sebelom mak i balik. kalau mak i tahu you kat sini i akan buat hidup you susah. tolong jangan kacau i lagi"

I was sitting on the floor in front of his house for hours long. he did not came out. so i left. 

How to forgive him?

When i  went to him for the 2nd time to clear my head, 4 months after the break up.

It was drizzling, i waited for him in the rain at his bike below his office building. that bike that we used to ride around town, looking at amazing sun sets.

I waited for what seems like a decade.

when i saw him came down, he was texting and smiling to his phone. 

I knew. immediately, he was texting with another girl.

He did talked to me but, I can't see the old Jay anymore in his eyes.

He said "I dah tak sayang you."

and lied saying that the reason for the breakup is my parents wont ever accept him.

Which is total bull shit.

How to forgive him?

When he used to tell me if one of us give up on this relationship, then everything will fall apart. Look what he did. 

How to forgive him?

When I found out he was texting Ififififiyyyyyyyyy whoever that whore is,

he put the blame on me.

He said he needed someone to talk to and she was just a friend.

How to forgive him?

When he made so many empty promises? 

How to forgive him?

When he is constantly threatening to break up with me when something bad happens to our relationship? 

How to forgive him?

When he wrote a song for me and it is meaningless now.

How to forgive him?

When all I can ever think of is his smile when he used to come pick me up with him old bike. 

How to forgive him?

When he was so far from perfect but i loved every inch of him.

How to forgive him?

When I thought we were stable and solid and he was the one for me. 

How to forgive him?

He left me, even he know me so well and whatever he did would crush my soul.

He did it anyway, in a horrible way.

How to forgive him?

When he used to surprise me with kittens and i have none now.

How to forgive him?

When i know he and his sisters will just laugh at the state i am in now.

How to forgive him?

After he left I am the one having all the heart break and misery when he is happily fucking other girls.

How to forgive him?

When he rather chose some low class Malay rempit girl that wears platform slippers over me.

How to forgive him?

I feel so shitty about myself. Like i will never be and wont be good enough for anyone to love me.

How to forgive him?

When he didn't have the balls to break up nicely with me after 4 years of knowing each other.

How to forgive him?

When he left me right after he said" I promise i will make it up to you, i will make our relationship better" 24 hours after that. he dumped me. via fucking whatsapp.

How to forgive him?

When he said "No matter what happens or how bad our situation is, we will always go back to each other"

How to forgive him?

When i know i will never love again. How can i ever love or trust anyone again? 

How to forgive him?

After all the annual trips all the adventures. 

How to forgive him?

When his fucking house is right in front of my balcony. every inch of our neighborhood is our memories.

How to forgive him?

When i know he and all his new girl friends would laugh at me after all i did for him. 

How to forgive him? 

When he promised to fight for us, to overcome my parents and all the people that are against us. 

How to forgive him?

When he fucking ruin my life plan. I planned to get married before 30 and start my small little family with 2 cats. and look at me now?

I don't even know how to stop eating anymore.

How to forgive him? 

all i want now is to be happy again, like i used to.

my life is so far away from happiness. 

so. help me. 

- fuck you, MUHAMMAD NAZIR BIN AWANG ALIAS.-

Birthday Month.

I can't believe it has been 6 months.
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.

I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.

31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.

This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.

Seriously FUCK LOVE.

Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?

HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.

HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.

I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?

Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.

After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.

I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.

Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.

1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.

I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.

- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-