Things you don't know

Things you don't know.
Despite everything that you know made you leave me.
There are tons of things that you don't know and will never know.
I doubt that you will even care anymore.

Things that you know
- leaving me makes you happy
- leaving me is letting a burden go
- leaving me is the best for you and only you.
- leaving me because you are tired and you never really love me
- leaving me because you gave up
- your ego is more important



Things that you don't know
- Me trying not to give up on life.
telling everyone and myself I am so much better
hoping that it helps
and today, yes today i realised i was never really getting better.
i was avoiding.
avoid feeling anything
avoid crying and being sad.
- i am lost, so lost that i don't know what to do, what i want with my life
- i feel so empty inside. and lonely
- i fake laugh a lot. because faking happiness is the only thing i can do now.
- i missed you a lot too.
- i think about us a lot, things that you said things that we did together
- every corner reminds me of you. of us and how we used to be.
- i lost hope in relationship and doubt that true love exist.
- i ate a lot, i drink, i started smoking a lot, i party just because it makes me forget about this pain
just for a few hours.
- i am trying so hard to be positive everyday just to feel better, just to survive through the day
- i thought i can be happy without you, i am really not sure now.
can i?
- pictures of other couple annoys the shit out of me.
- i am jealous, yes i am, i am jealous of my past.
- you, changed me fucked me up, fucked up my life.
- I still love you very much, and for a split second i wish you come back.
i really do.
- i wish you were dead, will it make me feel better?
- i wish i cheated of did bad things to you so i feel better that you left.
- i wish i was a controlling bitch and fuck up your life before you left, that would make me feel better.
- i doubt that there's anyone that will love me like you did.

So many things that you don't know.
What have you done?
Why did you do this to me?
What am i doing with my life.

How many prayers and wishes to make this pain go away?
How long will it take, for me to really live again?
It has been a while now since you left since we last met each other when is this going to end?
I don't think i can take it any longer.
I hate it when people say cliche things like
"you will feel better again, or you will find someone new that will appreciate and love you"
FUCK THAT.
seriously FUCK THAT
i know i wont.
i know it. i have used up all my luck.
it will never be the same again.

I know people that are reading this might think that i am stupid to waste
my time writing about an ass hole that will never read my blog or even care about me anymore but
bitches, this is my real emotions.
This is how i feel right now this very moment.

Judge as much as you want. I don't really give a fuck about my life, do you think i give about how you think of me?


- fuck off-

teach me please.

I always like to think our relationship is like Hannah and Adam in Girls.
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.

They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.

"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.

The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.

I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.

What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.

You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.

To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.

it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.

I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.

you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.

Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?

How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.

and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?

During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.

I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.

everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?

-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-

Someone New

I wonder if you have someone new that replaced me, like they all assumed.
I wonder if you have someone new does she make you happy?
does she knows all your secrets?
does she love music like we do?
does she cook you favorite food?
is she beautiful?
does she takes all your pain away?

I wonder if you have someone new, that is able to love you more than i do.
I wonder if both of you share the same inside jokes.

I wonder why are you such a coward.
Why do i need to go through your sister to know about you?

What this relationship meant to you?
You are such an ass hole.

I hate you.
I love you.

I am dying.
But i don't want to.
I am struggling to stay alive
to smile to be happy without you.

FUCK i know it is so useless to miss you. to think of you
BUT I CAN'T

HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT?
HOW.
OH GOD. Please teach me how, because I think I cant take it any longer.

Am i faking it all these while?

People said.
You must have found someone new, that's why it is easier.
People said
You really don't want this relationship anymore and dont want me back.
People said.

What about you?
All i really want is, to hear from you. word from your mouth.
All i really want is. I am so lost.

I really am. sucked into this pool of emotions and darkness.
No matter how many people i met. none of them. none can replace you.

You always feel like home to me.
at the end of the day I just want to go home to you.
I guess i am lost because i am homeless?


Will i ever find happiness?
Will i ever be loved again?
Will my heart feel complete again?

You heartless piece of shit.
I hope someone stabs you a million times on your heart to feel my pain.

At the end of the day, I can't deny, this is Karma.
and this is what i deserve.

So GOD if you are punishing me. You are doing hell of a great job
because i dont feel like a human being anymore.

Thanks. I know this is what i deserve.
just take my life. Oh, i dont think you will because it will be too easy for me right.
dying is a release for me.
living is torture.

This is what i have become.
I am no inspiration. I am no She Hulk I am no good example.

I just.

FUCK YOU JAY.

How are you?

How are you?
I really want to know.

How are you?
Do you still miss me.

How are you?

Life is great. I am loving every second of it.
My friends are God sent.

But. yes there will always be a but.
But whenever trouble makes it way to me.
You are all i think about, and what you used to say.

I wish you were here.
To tell me things that i need to hear.
I wish you were here to say that you are going to make everything OK.
I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you are going to make things better.

There is so much that i want to share but can't
I want to tell you how good life is.
I want to tell you how i have been and how strong i am.
I want to tell you good news bad news.
I want to share happy times sad times like we used to.
I want to go to the places we usually hang out.

I want you to tell me about your job and your friends.
I want you to tell your stupid jokes even they don't make any sense.
I want you to tell me how pretty i am.
I want you to tell me how much you need me because you had a bad day.

How are you?
Are you happy without me?
How is life treating you?
Is life better without me?

I don't miss you as much anymore.
only times like this when I need you.
I guess, you were always there when i needed you.
I guess you hugs are the only cure for me.

I don't think about us as much anymore
because there's no point thinking.

I don't wish for anything anymore.
because wishes, wishing well, eye lases, rainbows, even a million shooting stars
can't bring you back to love me.

How are you?
Do you miss our long night conversations?

I wish you were here.


How are you?

Letting go

Its almost a month now after the break up.
I am proud to say that I am so much better and happier,
honestly.
I can't believe this is actually happening to me.

I thought that i will be miserable for a very long time.
Turns out, I am doing so much better.
You wont believe the amount of happiness that i am feeling right now.

All thanks to my family and friends. You guys are the best.
Oh ya, and that dick head for being cruel.

Yes he was so heartless and cruel, my feelings for him literally died.
My heart is not as empty anymore and it feels so good.

of course occasionally when our song comes up on the radio and i passed by places we used to hang out, it triggers memories. I still miss you, sometimes.

But at the end of the they they are just memories.
I can now smile and just waive it off.

I also know that no matter how much i loved you or missed you, you will still be you.
The heartless beast that you are.

I can even laugh and joke with my friends about how we used to be.
good times bad times. happy memories mostly.

I plan to stay this way.
I plan to be happy.
I plan to not miss us so much anymore.
I plan to get hold of my life again.
I plan to do great things like rescue all the kittens by myself.
I plan to watch movie alone without feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I plan to learn "How to be single"
I plan to let our past go.

Therefore letting everything that used to be us go.

How to let go?
It's simple.
I know I am completely at fault. I admit. I was the one that triggered this.
But I definitely DO NOT deserve this.
If you love me enough like you used to say,
you will no do this to us.

Whatever it is, it just made me realised that, I wouldn't wanna be with someone that dumped me
right after saying "I love you"

and yeah you can go fuck yourself too. :)

Getting Over

I don't know why but today seems harder.
I dream of us last night.
We were happy. I cant really remember what happened in the dream but we were so happy.

Today is not a very good day for me.
I miss you a lot.
I really do.
It is so hard to get over things.

I wish today can be better.
I miss talking to you.
telling you all the shits that happened at work.

I need to keep telling myself that you don't want me anymore and you don't care.
I need to keep reminding myself that you are not interested in anything that i told you.
And you dont love, never love me enough that's why you left.

No matter what you did for me.
No matter what you promised. You left.
No matter how many kittens we rescue. You left
No matter how many songs you wrote and sang for me. You left.
No matter how much you family and friends liked me. You left.
No matter how many fucking times you said "I wont leave you" YOU FUCKING LEFT!

I need to keep repeating everything in my head until i am tired.
until i am sick of myself.
How many times do i need to repeat to myself that you hate me now.
You are so much more happier without me.
Dont know why am i still writing about you.
its not like you will read my blog anyway.
I used to write good things about us.
You never appreciate me enough to read.

I wish i could hate you.
I wish i am as heartless like you so life can be easier.

You mean ass hole.
Get the fuck out of my head.

The Break Up

Happy Valentines Day people.
and yes you guessed it right.

I got dumped.
The love of my life (well used to be) dumped me.
After all the promises,
He said "I will not leave you."
He said "No matter what happens we will go through this together"
He said "If we break up I will not know how to love anymore"
He said...

So many promises and yet he left me. For good this time.
He left me so broken and helpless
He left be because of a small mistake i made
He left me even I can promise him the world.
He left me even we were so happy the day before.
He left me just because I needed something that he couldn't give me.
He left me just because I did not listen to him when he was trying to talk to me nicely.

He left for good.

This time for good.

I loved him with my heart and soul, i bet the whole world knows.
I loved each and every thing about him.
I love his flaws his kindness
his smile his stupid jokes.
I love the way we used to be.

I love him so much that I am willing to do anything.
We, i said we because i know both of us put or heart, tears, blood into this relationship.
Its like everything about us.
We nurture it, take care of it.
Occasional arguments, but we managed to solve it.

We were so happy last Sunday.
He promised he will make everything better again.
and yet, He left me.

It has been exactly a week now since the break up.

I regretted everything that i did.
and yes he made me feel like i am fully responsible for everything.
Not sure if i am blaming myself, but yes i caused this.
I thought he was the one.
I thought he will always come back to me.
not this time.

He seems determine and so, i will just let it be.
I did not cry as much.
My heart is so empty,
I feel like I am merely existing, a life with no goals.
We had a common goal, we were working so hard to achieve it.

I wouldn't say what we had was fake.
He loved me too, with all his heart, he changed for us. for a better future.
I am so proud of him.
I really am.

3 years. Gone. 3 years of promises and sacrifice.
3 years of having him with me all the time.
His Good Morning texts. His Good Night kisses.
Him.
as though we exists just for each other.

His name and mine fits like the perfect puzzle.
He was perfect.
Our happy times sad times.
Our songs and road trips.
The troubles we got into for being reckless.
He loved everything about me too, i wouldn't doubt that.

Actually, thank you Jay for the perfect Sundate.
Never thought that it would be our last date and last kiss last hug and last good bye.

I hope your decision is the best for both of us.
I always thought that you are the best boy friend a girl could ever ask for.
at least for me. again, you are perfect.

Our hands fit each other perfectly, your height, your smile the dimples at your back.
We shared our deepest darkest secrets.
We were a team. a pack.
I love when you can control the entire situation when i am about to have a melt down.

Thank you for the best 3 years. You have did enough.

I know nothing. no apologies can fix what i did.
How i wish that i have a time machine, if i could just turn back time.

But there's no use now.
It's final.
I kissed your mom hands, apologize that i can't take care of you anymore.
You will always have a special place in my heart.

I can't deny that it fucking hurts. I am just trying to go by each day without dying.
I wish you well.

JAY. Jay and Yoke.
singing off.

Good Bye, my love.  

January 2017

Ladies and Gentleman

I hope you are still out there reading posts from your favorite blogger.
Sorry that i missed almost half a year.

Time just catches up with you, just a puff of cigarette, and it's gone.
Beginning of 2017 was hell of a mess.

I, failed with my fitness routine, my weight my life goals and my relationship.
Good news is, i am awake from this made up world in my head.

You see, time, this funny thing, it is the key to destruction and also a tool to help you heal, learn realize and reflect.

will i be writing more bull shit stories of mine this year? only time. can tell.

So ladies and gentleman, new year is not about getting that new year dress or getting that new car.
I believe new year is about learning, reflecting and growth.
spiritually not so much for me. mentally maybe. physically oh hell no.

You know I told him that, since i met him. No other guys manage to steal my heart.

No matter what he did or what i did, as much as i hate to admit. he is not perfect.
neither am i.

but we are perfect for each other.

You know, rather than erasing everything i just wrote.
I think i should stop now.


I really know what the fuck am i doing with my life, but i can tell you, imma make it awesome.

-peace the fuck out-

How I imagined life would be

We often get ask questions for things that we have the answer but most of the time seems impossible to achieve.
Well, not all of us, there are lots of lucky ass holes out there that can project their life plans, having life goals when they are like 7.

For me, I always thought that by now, I would have traveled the world.
Do something great.
save the world or something.
Instead I'm here, taking calls in a call center.
considering myself helping this world to be a better place one phone call at a time.

You know life can be really simple if I have the courage to do it.
all these wild dreams. It's really nothing.
talk is cheap.
I can't even compare my dreams to smoke. It is basically non existence.

"What do you want in life?" Mom asked.

"Mom, i want so much in life that i dont know where and how to begin, this path that you wish to see me walk, and the path that i really want is so different. I am torn in between to see you happy and proud of me or to really live and feel happy myself. I dont wanna be called selfish, but i dont want to miss out either. It is very hard when you have so much hope in me to do something that you think i should be doing and wanting to do something that i really want to do in my life, like jumping off a water fall, a plane, go kayaking in the Amazon, swimming with dolphins, run off with the circus, travel round the world with nothing but my camera, having multiple tattoos, camping in the middle of no where, quitting my job and focusing on my body.
I want so much, so much that i dont know where to start.
I dont want to just have a job that pays a lot but kills me every time that i get a bad call, seeing the worst of the human species.
The dream of going back to basics. living and working on a farm with cows and horses and sheep.
and when night comes, laying down with the love of my life looking at the stars, hunt meteors, listening to cricket sing, smell of fresh grass and cold night air. tranquil and if you listen close enough you can even hear your own heart beat. I want to smell fresh baked bread everyday from my own kitchen. What do you think Mom?"

-unrealistic- -kinda selfish, what about us, your family?-

The city has consumed pretty most of me.
The city like a famish monster, no matter how much you feed it, the city is very satisfy.
constantly hungry, waiting to swallow the weak.

I longed for simple happiness, waiting for the sunset every evening. not to have to worry about anything.
Believing in magic.
I wish life can be this simple.


I have been contemplating on to write or not to write, but i never had a full blog drafted out till now.

Hope you guys liked it.

- petrol science was fun-

910831

25 years ago, today my parents, in the hospital, the only government hospital in the small Kuala Terengganu town anxiously waiting for their first baby and poofff like magic, i came into this world.

Jesus! 25 years old.
All i know now, till today, life is an unpredictable roller coaster ride.
This year, i mean finally this year I sort of managed to come out from the shadows.

Losing her was somehow traumatic, but this year is treating me not too bad.

I think i need to thank my parents the most.
Thank you for creating me, introduce me to this crazy human world.
give everything to me.
fed me love me.

My grandmother and great grandmother for spoiling me

My sisters that will always have my back no matter how much we fight

My friends that accept me for who i am even sometimes i am a psychotic bitch, thanks guys for not giving up on me.

and of course, my shining knight in armor, the only person that i am constantly obsessed about.

without you guys i am nothing. seriously, life could be so meaningless.

I m really slacking from posting blog posts.
Sorry.

I wish i could put more effort in writing yalls.

I mean, honestly i really wish i could have a schedule to write and post shits.

oh, well Happy Birthday Yoke.



 

I miss my grandma

I miss my gradmother i really do.
I dont know why i felt like i am so closed to her the fact that i only spent 7 years of my life with her.
I miss her so much, i dont know why whenever i am in trouble or felt like talking to someone i would only always think of her.
I miss my grandmother, her gentle touch and her warm hugs.
I miss my grandmother how she would always react when i did something naughty the way she said "anak bertuah" i havent heard it in ages.
I miss my grandmother, i cant remeber the exact date she passed away but what i knew was i could have been a better granddaughter. I remembered the day my parents brought me to the hospital she was on her bed.
I knew she wanted to talk to me i can see it in her eyes.
But the deaseas was taking over her body. I wish i was a better grand daughter.
And now it's too late.
I miss my grandmother and the fact that i only knew her for 7 years of my life it's like knowing her since forever.

People would always tell me to get over it or appreciate the living rather than crying for the dead, but they dont understand. I miss my grandmother.
It is so strange when i feel like she is the only one that will not judge me and know me for who i really am.
Taken me so long just to pour it out, i've been thiking of her since yesterday.

People can think what they want. But i was a kid i did not understand.
I was a kid that was spolid by my grandmother. I cant imagine if she's still alive. How life could be still a fuckiny fat soul i can see.

I remember
She would always put 1 ringgit coins and tied them to my shirt before i go back to the city with my parents.
My dad hated it when she gave me money.
I really miss how she would comb my hair and tie them up in pony tails.
Our walks to the beach and playing with fish doughs in the kerepok factory and washing my hands with her Olay fash wash to get rid of the fish smell.



With her. I always know i was the special one even it was only for 7 years.



You know what fuck my spelling fuck my grammer. This is about my grandmother not some fucking poetry.

31 May 2016

You know for sure that i do not have any ideas for my post title. Isn't it obvious, like come on girl you can try better than that, dates as posts titles. Pfft.

There's really nothing wrong with it but, it's kinda lame in a way.
So much to tell don't know where to start.

I was contemplating on to write or not to write, i mean i am always on my laptop, youtube mostly and the occasional movie series but nothing leads me to click on my blog page and to move my fat fingers to write.

Alright, what would you like to know?
Hows life?
fucked up as usual. fucked up as in the good way and bad way.

Hows job?
seriously?

Honestly, life is treating me good.
I sincerely believe that I am blessed. not to boast or anything, i have never been so contented in my life till recently. so i guess perception is really important. so important that it kills.

Having the date as my post title is not that bad, it means that half of 2016 gone by and i still have half left.
So, better not let this year go to waste.
Good job positive Yoke always knew you are still in there somewhere.

Yeah, it's a good reminder for all of us to reflect on the 1st half of the year.

is it a good thing or a bad thing to be so obsessed with someone?
I am super obsessed with my own boyfriend i cant help it.

Seriously, i think it is getting out of hand. The best thing is he is feeding into my obsession making it a massive black hole.
What is his motives?
How can someone be so nice and so perfect at the same time an ass hole.

There's so much that i love about him, i kept counting them everyday afraid that one day i might lost count.

I am sorry, people out there that clicked to read my blog. I know you are not here to be smitten by the love i have for my boy friend.
but right now, he is all that i can think about.

HE IS ALWAYS IN MY HEAD. do i need a doctor?

i sound like a crazy person.
Oh God i wish i have more contents than fucking rambling about life and my boy friend.

pft.

or it is better that i post nothing?

- help -

Bike Rides

I would never in a million years imagine taking evening bike rides through the city, watching the sun set, feeling the evening breeze.

His effort made everything possible.

Feeling the fresh morning air and the buzzing traffic, the cold night or the sharp rain drops that are trying to cut into your skin every time it hits you.

Singing our lungs out on long rides and falling asleep on his shoulder during my lazy mornings.
Sometimes when the road is really clear even pull my hand from behind and let me twist the hand grip to feel the speed.
Hugging him so tight from behind, and him kissing my hands when we were about to reach home.
I love our bike rides.

His effort made everything happen.
His effort made me happy.
His effort to make me happy.
All he wants is to be happy with me.

Simple things. Simple happiness.

Even it's just a bike ride, but I appreciate and I am happy, and i don't think anyone else in this whole entire world, (expect my family of course) will take responsibility of my happiness but he, he made it like my happiness is his ultimate goal, his mission.

From the past months, a lot have changed.

Every single effort counts.

Positive changes and so, I hope this year will be better than last year.

No, this year is definitely going to be better than last year.

-still, simple happiness-