Was I ever happy?
i have been asking myself this question for a gazillion times.
i mean was i?
Even with Jay, was i really happy?
I dont think people know unhappy I am with life,
with myself, with this bullshit.
I dont think people know, because behind all my stupid jokes
no one know how i cry myself to sleep almost every night.
I dont think i am a very happy person.
but.
Life is decently good now a days.
No drama.
No crazy party and mindless hook ups.
Life is simple, but is this all?
Is this all i want?
Was i happy 3, 4 even 5 years back?
I don't know.
I really don't.
in my quest of searching for happiness I have gotten myself more broken than ever.
I solve people's problem at work, but I don't even know how to sort out my own mess.
Maybe i stopped being happy when the world smack my face, telling me that I need to be at a certain weight, look a certain way so that people fancy me.
All these years I fought hard.
I was never a strong girl, the best I can do is give my signature smile.
I am sorry that all my posts are not motivational or encouraging. I wish I am more positive.
Honestly, I miss Jay, I really do, every waking moment and I am tired of lying to everyone including myself,
I never know that getting over him is this hard.
I remembered that rainy evening, just like today.
He told me "sebenarnya tak susah, you sendiri yang fikir susah."
That was when I asked him how he got over me so quickly.
I guess he never really loved me.
I was the one that gave my all, my heart.
Oh. My precious heart.
I don't know what have I done to it.
I really don't want Jay back anymore.
cross my heart. I don't want to restart whatever nonsense relationship we had.
I am just, sad.
I don't understand. Even if the genie gave me 1 wish to restart things with Jay.
I would have rejected him.
I don't want you back anymore. I mean it's not like he is coming back.
He is not ever coming back. ever.
that's the thing.
I am so hurt by him not even looking back.
As if I am this worthless piece of nothing, his biggest mistake.
He said "I yang bodoh pilih you."
How can anyone say that to someone.
I don't even say it to the people i dislike.
I just feel so broken and every time i try to pick up all the broken pieces i end up cutting myself more.
What should I do?
am i not worthy?
if God knows my pain, why is he stalling time?
Why he allow Jay to be happy with another girl that is going to be his potential wife.
Why?
I highly doubt that she is better than me.
but this is just me right?
If she is not better than me, he wouldn't have picked her.
He would have at least apologize.
I don't even know if him apologizing will do any good.
but him feeling guilty makes me feel better.
Jay, you said you love me though. You said "I janji I takkan tinggalkan you"
When you wrote that song for me. Janji Jaga Cinta. Why do you mean by that?
Your mom likes me. We took care of Daisy.
We had a dream. We had plans together remember?
What have I done to be this devastated.
I swear I am not strong. at all. It might seems that way.
Things are just wrong.
People are telling me "he is not worth it. His loss. He lost someone that love him so much."
If this is true, why am i still so. unhappy. depressed even.
Depression is a big word and I do not want to put any label on my mental state.
This is just how i feel.
More than a week to 2018.
This year, the 1st picture will not be with you anymore.
This year, Christmas will not be like the years before.
Remember the time when you wanted to take selfies with the huge Swarovski tree in Pavilion.
I missed that.
I don't know what more damage can 2018 do to me.
but bring it on. I have nothing left for anyone to break.
I practically do not care. Thinking about life, makes me want to punch a wall every time.
takes a lot to suppress.
and yeah. The answer to was I every happy is still.
I don't know.
-merry fucking Christmas-
Thursday, 21 December 2017
Thursday, 30 November 2017
monsters.
The temperature of the air tonight feels oddly familiar.
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.
That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.
I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.
It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?
I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.
Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.
This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.
It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.
I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?
It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.
I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,
-I guess, I still can' stop missing you-
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.
That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.
I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.
It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?
I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.
Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.
This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.
It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.
I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?
It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.
I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,
-I guess, I still can' stop missing you-
Thursday, 23 November 2017
truth hurts.
I was talking to a good friend of mine about God and that everything happens for a reason.
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.
Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.
I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.
You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."
Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.
He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.
The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.
The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?
Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.
One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.
Why?
Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.
Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.
Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.
- sesungguhnya selepas kesukaran itu kemudahan-
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.
Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.
I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.
You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."
Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.
He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.
The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.
The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?
Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.
One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.
Why?
Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.
Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.
Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.
- sesungguhnya selepas kesukaran itu kemudahan-
Sunday, 29 October 2017
A letter to my late grandma
Dear mama,
I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.
I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.
I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.
I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.
I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.
I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.
So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.
I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.
I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?
I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.
I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.
I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.
I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.
I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.
I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.
So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.
I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.
I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?
Thursday, 5 October 2017
I forgive you Jay
I forgive you even you blocked me out from your life.
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.
I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you
I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.
I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.
I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.
Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.
What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.
Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.
honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.
-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.
I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you
I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.
I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.
I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.
Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.
What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.
Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.
honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.
-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-
Sunday, 1 October 2017
Why am I still sad?
You know despite realising that he was just temporary in my life,
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.
It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.
It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.
Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.
Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.
I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.
Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.
as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.
Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.
I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.
I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.
I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?
well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.
It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.
It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.
Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.
Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.
I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.
Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.
as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.
Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.
I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.
I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.
I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?
well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-
Sunday, 10 September 2017
fresh page
I was just driving to work one day, chilling enjoying the Kuala Lumpur traffic jam.
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.
Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.
Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.
All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.
I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.
I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.
Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.
and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.
Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.
No, I don't want you back too.
Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.
Good bye. RIP #jayyoke
someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy.
-I am much more happier now-
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.
Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.
Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.
All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.
I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.
I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.
Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.
and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.
Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.
No, I don't want you back too.
Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.
Good bye. RIP #jayyoke
someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy.
-I am much more happier now-
Friday, 1 September 2017
#yoke26
I've had the best birthday party and i know i owe it to my family and friends.
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.
My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.
No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.
I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.
I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?
God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.
I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.
Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.
Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.
Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.
Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.
Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.
I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.
Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.
Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.
-#yoke26-
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.
My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.
No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.
I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.
I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?
God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.
I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.
Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.
Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.
Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.
Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.
Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.
I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.
Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.
Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.
-#yoke26-
Tuesday, 22 August 2017
How to forgive him?
I have been posting shits about Jay lately.
because I really miss him, or am i not letting him go yet?
Someone once told me, to feel happy again is letting go, is to forgive him.
everything about him. everything he did.
then i thought.
How to forgive him?
When he left me via whatsapp?
How to forgive him?
When I went to him on 19 February 2017 mid night, day before his birthday. He was hiding in his house.
I knocked and knocked on his door hoping he would come out and we would sort this out.
I was trying to fight for us, our relationship.
I was trying to rescue us. Hoping you'd still come to Avilion PD where i booked a room to celebrate your 26th birthday.
He did not even want to come out.
He said via whatsapp "I tak nak tengok muka you. You bla. baik you bla sebelom mak i balik. kalau mak i tahu you kat sini i akan buat hidup you susah. tolong jangan kacau i lagi"
I was sitting on the floor in front of his house for hours long. he did not came out. so i left.
How to forgive him?
When i went to him for the 2nd time to clear my head, 4 months after the break up.
It was drizzling, i waited for him in the rain at his bike below his office building. that bike that we used to ride around town, looking at amazing sun sets.
I waited for what seems like a decade.
when i saw him came down, he was texting and smiling to his phone.
I knew. immediately, he was texting with another girl.
He did talked to me but, I can't see the old Jay anymore in his eyes.
He said "I dah tak sayang you."
and lied saying that the reason for the breakup is my parents wont ever accept him.
Which is total bull shit.
How to forgive him?
When he used to tell me if one of us give up on this relationship, then everything will fall apart. Look what he did.
How to forgive him?
When I found out he was texting Ififififiyyyyyyyyy whoever that whore is,
he put the blame on me.
He said he needed someone to talk to and she was just a friend.
How to forgive him?
When he made so many empty promises?
How to forgive him?
When he is constantly threatening to break up with me when something bad happens to our relationship?
How to forgive him?
When he wrote a song for me and it is meaningless now.
How to forgive him?
When all I can ever think of is his smile when he used to come pick me up with him old bike.
How to forgive him?
When he was so far from perfect but i loved every inch of him.
How to forgive him?
When I thought we were stable and solid and he was the one for me.
How to forgive him?
He left me, even he know me so well and whatever he did would crush my soul.
He did it anyway, in a horrible way.
How to forgive him?
When he used to surprise me with kittens and i have none now.
How to forgive him?
When i know he and his sisters will just laugh at the state i am in now.
How to forgive him?
After he left I am the one having all the heart break and misery when he is happily fucking other girls.
How to forgive him?
When he rather chose some low class Malay rempit girl that wears platform slippers over me.
How to forgive him?
I feel so shitty about myself. Like i will never be and wont be good enough for anyone to love me.
How to forgive him?
When he didn't have the balls to break up nicely with me after 4 years of knowing each other.
How to forgive him?
When he left me right after he said" I promise i will make it up to you, i will make our relationship better" 24 hours after that. he dumped me. via fucking whatsapp.
How to forgive him?
When he said "No matter what happens or how bad our situation is, we will always go back to each other"
How to forgive him?
When i know i will never love again. How can i ever love or trust anyone again?
How to forgive him?
After all the annual trips all the adventures.
How to forgive him?
When his fucking house is right in front of my balcony. every inch of our neighborhood is our memories.
How to forgive him?
When i know he and all his new girl friends would laugh at me after all i did for him.
How to forgive him?
When he promised to fight for us, to overcome my parents and all the people that are against us.
How to forgive him?
When he fucking ruin my life plan. I planned to get married before 30 and start my small little family with 2 cats. and look at me now?
I don't even know how to stop eating anymore.
How to forgive him?
all i want now is to be happy again, like i used to.
my life is so far away from happiness.
so. help me.
- fuck you, MUHAMMAD NAZIR BIN AWANG ALIAS.-
Friday, 18 August 2017
Birthday Month.
I can't believe it has been 6 months.
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.
I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.
31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.
This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.
Seriously FUCK LOVE.
Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.
I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?
Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.
After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.
I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.
Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.
1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.
I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.
- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.
I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.
31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.
This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.
Seriously FUCK LOVE.
Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.
I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?
Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.
After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.
I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.
Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.
1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.
I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.
- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-
Thursday, 20 July 2017
Cinta Palsu
I got this blog title from some ass hole that wasted my good night sleep.
A lot has happened since.
It has been almost 6 months now.
I can't say that i have completely let go.
how i wish i have the ability to select things that i want to remember and things that are too painful to forget.
I have been going out with a handful of guys but none of them stayed.
liars, cheaters, scumbags was all i found.
maybe it was me, and the type of guy i prefer, forever trying to find pieces of you in them.
maybe it was me, that i was too naive
Why is it so hard to just forget and let go?
How can the past be more beautiful than my current state?
Jay,
You not only exile me from your life.
But you exile me from life itself.
I lost all hope and faith in relationships or in love.
or trust anyone in general.
It is so hard for me to accept that you are happily living your life.
but i am struggling to stay alive.
Throughout all the guys that i have dated, one stood out.
Hercules.
I thought this is it, I am hitting the restart button and there's hope again.
like he is the end of my sufferings and i would be happy again maybe even happier.
It started out again, so unexpectedly.
But wait, just when i was about to open up, life always fucks me up.
He dragged me so far away from what I thought.
Things got really sour.
He treated me like I am a piece of shit even I told him what happened to me.
How could you?
How could you say things that just to make someone feel good and fucking punch me right where it hurts, right where my wounds are still fresh?
I wish i can be as cruel.
I really wish i can hurt someone that just poured his feelings out to me
I wish i can be as mean and as heartless.
I am happy with myself. I am really just giving up on the state that i am in now.
when people talks about forever love and till death do us part,
I look at myself and my past relationships,
and i look at my friends with their happy little family.
What horrible things that I have done to deserve this?
I also realised that, I was too used to being the "special one" for Jay
and all i had was special treatments.
It's like when she said "he's mine."
it reminded me that i used to have you to call mine
and now, i have no one to hold on and say mine.
and when i was chased out from my fantasy world,
I am trying so hard to get other guys to treat me like he did.
It hurts thinking that actually none of the guys really likes me.
All they want was just a taste of my puki cina.
Jay,
I don't understand how are you even happy?
You literally close up my heart from love as if I don't deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to, i just, can't.
I question myself. I question God. Question life.
I soon found out that there was no use blaming or questioning God because he never listens.
I am tired. I really am.
all i had was cinta palsu.
-my posts are about me myself and i, i am well aware that there's other people in the world that are suffering more, like war and starvation. I am not trying to compare or not feel grateful. I am just hurt and really need to put it out.-
A lot has happened since.
It has been almost 6 months now.
I can't say that i have completely let go.
how i wish i have the ability to select things that i want to remember and things that are too painful to forget.
I have been going out with a handful of guys but none of them stayed.
liars, cheaters, scumbags was all i found.
maybe it was me, and the type of guy i prefer, forever trying to find pieces of you in them.
maybe it was me, that i was too naive
Why is it so hard to just forget and let go?
How can the past be more beautiful than my current state?
Jay,
You not only exile me from your life.
But you exile me from life itself.
I lost all hope and faith in relationships or in love.
or trust anyone in general.
It is so hard for me to accept that you are happily living your life.
but i am struggling to stay alive.
Throughout all the guys that i have dated, one stood out.
Hercules.
I thought this is it, I am hitting the restart button and there's hope again.
like he is the end of my sufferings and i would be happy again maybe even happier.
It started out again, so unexpectedly.
But wait, just when i was about to open up, life always fucks me up.
He dragged me so far away from what I thought.
Things got really sour.
He treated me like I am a piece of shit even I told him what happened to me.
How could you?
How could you say things that just to make someone feel good and fucking punch me right where it hurts, right where my wounds are still fresh?
I wish i can be as cruel.
I really wish i can hurt someone that just poured his feelings out to me
I wish i can be as mean and as heartless.
I am happy with myself. I am really just giving up on the state that i am in now.
when people talks about forever love and till death do us part,
I look at myself and my past relationships,
and i look at my friends with their happy little family.
What horrible things that I have done to deserve this?
I also realised that, I was too used to being the "special one" for Jay
and all i had was special treatments.
It's like when she said "he's mine."
it reminded me that i used to have you to call mine
and now, i have no one to hold on and say mine.
and when i was chased out from my fantasy world,
I am trying so hard to get other guys to treat me like he did.
It hurts thinking that actually none of the guys really likes me.
All they want was just a taste of my puki cina.
Jay,
I don't understand how are you even happy?
You literally close up my heart from love as if I don't deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to, i just, can't.
I question myself. I question God. Question life.
I soon found out that there was no use blaming or questioning God because he never listens.
I am tired. I really am.
all i had was cinta palsu.
-my posts are about me myself and i, i am well aware that there's other people in the world that are suffering more, like war and starvation. I am not trying to compare or not feel grateful. I am just hurt and really need to put it out.-
Saturday, 10 June 2017
I wish you hell
Tonight is one of those nights again where memories become my worst fear.
I am tired, I just want to sleep but images of you haunts me.
Honestly even your sister's instagram scares me.
I have been talking to a few friends about break up and relationships problem.
You know what, at the end of the day,
I realised that you, Jay, is a heartless bastard.
Just like your father.
You said you never want to be like him.
but boy, the way i see it, you are so much like him.
Yes you are.
Blocking me out from your life.
It is better that you die.
It is better that you were never alive
running away from problems and giving lame excuses.
Blocking me out from your life.
As though as i meant nothing.
Why say "I love you" when you planned to do this to me?
Was it because you did not have faith that made you so heartless?
You think you are some kind of hot shit?
Blocking me out like a dickless looser.
I wish you die a horrible death.
I wish you the worst thing that i could ever wish for my worst enemy.
Breakups are sad, what is even sadder here is,
Jay, blocked me out from everything of his life
he thinks he is so great and powerful and always right
he thinks that he will never regret what he did.
he did not even block out his other exes but he blocked me.
like i am a piece of shit.
I felt so insulted the fact that i gave my heart and soul.
the fact that we talked about getting married
and this is what i get when you dumped me.
I wish i did horrible things to you when you were with me.
I wish i cheated with your best friend.
I wish i betrayed you.
I wish i can crush your heart and stomp on it like it is nothing.
Go to hell Jay.
seriously, deep in my heart I wish you die a horrible death.
i wish you can feel how i am feeling now and a billion times worse.
You all think that breakups are so sad or you can't be with the guy you love or you have been friend zoned.
Bitches, chill nothing is worst than being blocked out of everything as though as he never loved me, never knew me.
after all he did for me, after he said "I love you" he left me.
like a used condom.
As least for other people, the person is still there, they still exist, you can still see them occasionally.
not for me, it is as though he vanished.
That's why it is better for me to think that he is dead.
He die without a funeral.
Or the Jay i knew, the Jay that used to loved me, died.
That guy, that i loved so much, he had compassion, and so much love to give,
i think that guy is dead.
I wish which ever girl you are with now gives you hell and all kinds of sex disease.
I wish the girl that you are in love with now crush your heart a million times worse than you crushed mine,
I wish the girl fucked your best friend in front of you.
If I could cast a spell on you, I wish there's a spell stronger, more horrible than abracadabra.
I wish i have the chance to visit you on your death bed and the last thing you will hear from me is
"padan muka, pergi mampus"
Fuck off please. just fuck off from my head.
if there's a God. Please erase him from my memories.
maybe i was just a tool for him to get temporary happiness.
I think Jay is exactly like this girl that i know.
I can't imagine she can't be alone and love herself. She need to have someone with her sebab nak happy.
she told me "tak boleh kawin sebab dia pengkit, tapi nak happy kn." so she had to be with someone after her fiance break up with her.
yeah that is the type of mentality they are having. same upbringing i guess.
i cant believe i loved you.
Luckily we did not get married or anything.
If not i will be fucked by your fucked up world.
what a waste of time.
i was a used toilet paper to him.
maybe you will never mention me to your new girl friend.
yes because i was nothing to you.
-Tolong meninggal-
I am tired, I just want to sleep but images of you haunts me.
Honestly even your sister's instagram scares me.
I have been talking to a few friends about break up and relationships problem.
You know what, at the end of the day,
I realised that you, Jay, is a heartless bastard.
Just like your father.
You said you never want to be like him.
but boy, the way i see it, you are so much like him.
Yes you are.
Blocking me out from your life.
It is better that you die.
It is better that you were never alive
running away from problems and giving lame excuses.
Blocking me out from your life.
As though as i meant nothing.
Why say "I love you" when you planned to do this to me?
Was it because you did not have faith that made you so heartless?
You think you are some kind of hot shit?
Blocking me out like a dickless looser.
I wish you die a horrible death.
I wish you the worst thing that i could ever wish for my worst enemy.
Breakups are sad, what is even sadder here is,
Jay, blocked me out from everything of his life
he thinks he is so great and powerful and always right
he thinks that he will never regret what he did.
he did not even block out his other exes but he blocked me.
like i am a piece of shit.
I felt so insulted the fact that i gave my heart and soul.
the fact that we talked about getting married
and this is what i get when you dumped me.
I wish i did horrible things to you when you were with me.
I wish i cheated with your best friend.
I wish i betrayed you.
I wish i can crush your heart and stomp on it like it is nothing.
Go to hell Jay.
seriously, deep in my heart I wish you die a horrible death.
i wish you can feel how i am feeling now and a billion times worse.
You all think that breakups are so sad or you can't be with the guy you love or you have been friend zoned.
Bitches, chill nothing is worst than being blocked out of everything as though as he never loved me, never knew me.
after all he did for me, after he said "I love you" he left me.
like a used condom.
As least for other people, the person is still there, they still exist, you can still see them occasionally.
not for me, it is as though he vanished.
That's why it is better for me to think that he is dead.
He die without a funeral.
Or the Jay i knew, the Jay that used to loved me, died.
That guy, that i loved so much, he had compassion, and so much love to give,
i think that guy is dead.
I wish which ever girl you are with now gives you hell and all kinds of sex disease.
I wish the girl that you are in love with now crush your heart a million times worse than you crushed mine,
I wish the girl fucked your best friend in front of you.
If I could cast a spell on you, I wish there's a spell stronger, more horrible than abracadabra.
I wish i have the chance to visit you on your death bed and the last thing you will hear from me is
"padan muka, pergi mampus"
Fuck off please. just fuck off from my head.
if there's a God. Please erase him from my memories.
maybe i was just a tool for him to get temporary happiness.
I think Jay is exactly like this girl that i know.
I can't imagine she can't be alone and love herself. She need to have someone with her sebab nak happy.
she told me "tak boleh kawin sebab dia pengkit, tapi nak happy kn." so she had to be with someone after her fiance break up with her.
yeah that is the type of mentality they are having. same upbringing i guess.
i cant believe i loved you.
Luckily we did not get married or anything.
If not i will be fucked by your fucked up world.
what a waste of time.
i was a used toilet paper to him.
maybe you will never mention me to your new girl friend.
yes because i was nothing to you.
-Tolong meninggal-
Monday, 29 May 2017
Pain
People always ask me if my piercings and tattoos hurt.
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.
How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on
I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.
You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.
I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.
If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.
little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.
Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?
I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.
Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.
the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.
all his promises that i am trying to forget.
Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.
This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.
Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.
I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.
-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.
How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on
I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.
You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.
I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.
If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.
little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.
Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?
I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.
Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.
the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.
all his promises that i am trying to forget.
Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.
This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.
Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.
I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.
-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-
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