A letter to my late grandma

Dear mama,

I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.

I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.

I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.

I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.

I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.

I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.

So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.

I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.



I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?

I forgive you Jay

I forgive you even you blocked me out from your life.
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.

I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.

I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.

I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.

I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you

I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.

I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.

I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.

Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.

What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.

Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.

honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.


-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-

Why am I still sad?

You know despite realising that he was just temporary in my life,
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.

It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.

It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.

Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.

Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.

I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.

Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.

as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.

Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.

I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.

I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.

I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?

well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-

fresh page

I was just driving to work one day, chilling enjoying the Kuala Lumpur traffic jam.
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.

Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.

Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.

All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.

I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.

I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.

Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.

and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.

Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.

No, I don't want you back too.

Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.

Good bye. RIP #jayyoke

someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy. 

-I am much more happier now-

#yoke26

I've had the best birthday party and i know i owe it to my family and friends.
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.

My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.

No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.


I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.

I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?

God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.

I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.

Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.

Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.

Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.

Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.

Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.

I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.

Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.


Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.

-#yoke26-

How to forgive him?

I have been posting shits about Jay lately.

because I really miss him, or am i not letting him go yet?

Someone once told me, to feel happy again is letting go, is to forgive him.

everything about him. everything he did. 

then i thought.

How to forgive him?

When he left me via whatsapp?

How to forgive him?

When I went to him on 19 February 2017 mid night,  day before his birthday. He was hiding in his house.

I knocked and knocked on his door hoping he would come out and we would sort this out. 

I was trying to fight for us, our relationship.

I was trying to rescue us. Hoping you'd still come to Avilion PD where i booked a room to celebrate your 26th birthday.

He did not even want to come out. 

He said via whatsapp "I tak nak tengok muka you. You bla. baik you bla sebelom mak i balik. kalau mak i tahu you kat sini i akan buat hidup you susah. tolong jangan kacau i lagi"

I was sitting on the floor in front of his house for hours long. he did not came out. so i left. 

How to forgive him?

When i  went to him for the 2nd time to clear my head, 4 months after the break up.

It was drizzling, i waited for him in the rain at his bike below his office building. that bike that we used to ride around town, looking at amazing sun sets.

I waited for what seems like a decade.

when i saw him came down, he was texting and smiling to his phone. 

I knew. immediately, he was texting with another girl.

He did talked to me but, I can't see the old Jay anymore in his eyes.

He said "I dah tak sayang you."

and lied saying that the reason for the breakup is my parents wont ever accept him.

Which is total bull shit.

How to forgive him?

When he used to tell me if one of us give up on this relationship, then everything will fall apart. Look what he did. 

How to forgive him?

When I found out he was texting Ififififiyyyyyyyyy whoever that whore is,

he put the blame on me.

He said he needed someone to talk to and she was just a friend.

How to forgive him?

When he made so many empty promises? 

How to forgive him?

When he is constantly threatening to break up with me when something bad happens to our relationship? 

How to forgive him?

When he wrote a song for me and it is meaningless now.

How to forgive him?

When all I can ever think of is his smile when he used to come pick me up with him old bike. 

How to forgive him?

When he was so far from perfect but i loved every inch of him.

How to forgive him?

When I thought we were stable and solid and he was the one for me. 

How to forgive him?

He left me, even he know me so well and whatever he did would crush my soul.

He did it anyway, in a horrible way.

How to forgive him?

When he used to surprise me with kittens and i have none now.

How to forgive him?

When i know he and his sisters will just laugh at the state i am in now.

How to forgive him?

After he left I am the one having all the heart break and misery when he is happily fucking other girls.

How to forgive him?

When he rather chose some low class Malay rempit girl that wears platform slippers over me.

How to forgive him?

I feel so shitty about myself. Like i will never be and wont be good enough for anyone to love me.

How to forgive him?

When he didn't have the balls to break up nicely with me after 4 years of knowing each other.

How to forgive him?

When he left me right after he said" I promise i will make it up to you, i will make our relationship better" 24 hours after that. he dumped me. via fucking whatsapp.

How to forgive him?

When he said "No matter what happens or how bad our situation is, we will always go back to each other"

How to forgive him?

When i know i will never love again. How can i ever love or trust anyone again? 

How to forgive him?

After all the annual trips all the adventures. 

How to forgive him?

When his fucking house is right in front of my balcony. every inch of our neighborhood is our memories.

How to forgive him?

When i know he and all his new girl friends would laugh at me after all i did for him. 

How to forgive him? 

When he promised to fight for us, to overcome my parents and all the people that are against us. 

How to forgive him?

When he fucking ruin my life plan. I planned to get married before 30 and start my small little family with 2 cats. and look at me now?

I don't even know how to stop eating anymore.

How to forgive him? 

all i want now is to be happy again, like i used to.

my life is so far away from happiness. 

so. help me. 

- fuck you, MUHAMMAD NAZIR BIN AWANG ALIAS.-

Birthday Month.

I can't believe it has been 6 months.
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.

I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.

31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.

This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.

Seriously FUCK LOVE.

Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?

HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.

HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.

I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?

Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.

After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.

I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.

Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.

1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.

I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.

- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-

Cinta Palsu

I got this blog title from some ass hole that wasted my good night sleep.
A lot has happened since.
It has been almost 6 months now.
I can't say that i have completely let go.
how i wish i have the ability to select things that i want to remember and things that are too painful to forget.

I have been going out with a handful of guys but none of them stayed.
liars, cheaters, scumbags was all i found.
maybe it was me, and the type of guy i prefer, forever trying to find pieces of you in them.
maybe it was me, that i was too naive

Why is it so hard to just forget and let go?
How can the past be more beautiful than my current state?
Jay,
You not only exile me from your life.
But you exile me from life itself.

I lost all hope and faith in relationships or in love.
or trust anyone in general.
It is so hard for me to accept that you are happily living your life.
but i am struggling to stay alive.

Throughout all the guys that i have dated, one stood out.
Hercules.
I thought this is it, I am hitting the restart button and there's hope again.
like he is the end of my sufferings and i would be happy again maybe even happier.
It started out again, so unexpectedly.

But wait, just when i was about to open up, life always fucks me up.
He dragged me so far away from what I thought.
Things got really sour.
He treated me like I am a piece of shit even I told him what happened to me.
How could you?
How could you say things that just to make someone feel good and fucking punch me right where it hurts, right where my wounds are still fresh?

I wish i can be as cruel.
I really wish i can hurt someone that just poured his feelings out to me
I wish i can be as mean and as heartless.

I am happy with myself. I am really just giving up on the state that i am in now.
when people talks about forever love and till death do us part,
I look at myself and my past relationships,
and i look at my friends with their happy little family.
What horrible things that I have done to deserve this?

I also realised that, I was too used to being the "special one" for Jay
and all i had was special treatments.
It's like when she said "he's mine."
it reminded me that i used to have you to call mine
and now, i have no one to hold on and say mine.

and when i was chased out from my fantasy world,
I am trying so hard to get other guys to treat me like he did.
It hurts thinking that actually none of the guys really likes me.
All they want was just a taste of my puki cina.

Jay,
I don't understand how are you even happy?
You literally close up my heart from love as if I don't deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to, i just, can't.

I question myself. I question God. Question life.
I soon found out that there was no use blaming or questioning God because he never listens.

I am tired. I really am.
all i had was cinta palsu.

-my posts are about me myself and i, i am well aware that there's other people in the world that are suffering more, like war and starvation. I am not trying to compare or not feel grateful. I am just hurt and really need to put it out.-

I wish you hell

Tonight is one of those nights again where memories become my worst fear.
I am tired, I just want to sleep but images of you haunts me.
Honestly even your sister's instagram scares me.

I have been talking to a few friends about break up and relationships problem.
You know what, at the end of the day,
I realised that you, Jay, is a heartless bastard.
Just like your father.
You said you never want to be like him.
but boy, the way i see it, you are so much like him.

Yes you are.
Blocking me out from your life.
It is better that you die.
It is better that you were never alive
running away from problems and giving lame excuses.

Blocking me out from your life.
As though as i meant nothing.
Why say "I love you" when you planned to do this to me?

Was it because you did not have faith that made you so heartless?

You think you are some kind of hot shit?
Blocking me out like a dickless looser.
I wish you die a horrible death.
I wish you the worst thing that i could ever wish for my worst enemy.

Breakups are sad, what is even sadder here is,
Jay, blocked me out from everything of his life
he thinks he is so great and powerful and always right
he thinks that he will never regret what he did.
he did not even block out his other exes but he blocked me.
like i am a piece of shit.
I felt so insulted the fact that i gave my heart and soul.
the fact that we talked about getting married
and this is what i get when you dumped me.
I wish i did horrible things to you when you were with me.
I wish i cheated with your best friend.
I wish i betrayed you.
I wish i can crush your heart and stomp on it like it is nothing.

Go to hell Jay.
seriously, deep in my heart I wish you die a horrible death.
i wish you can feel how i am feeling now and a billion times worse.

You all think that breakups are so sad or you can't be with the guy you love or you have been friend zoned.
Bitches, chill nothing is worst than being blocked out of everything as though as he never loved me, never knew me.
after all he did for me, after he said "I love you" he left me.
like a used condom.
As least for other people, the person is still there, they still exist, you can still see them occasionally.
not for me, it is as though he vanished.
That's why it is better for me to think that he is dead.
He die without a funeral.
Or the Jay i knew, the Jay that used to loved me, died.
That guy, that i loved so much, he had compassion, and so much love to give,
i think that guy is dead.

I wish which ever girl you are with now gives you hell and all kinds of sex disease.
I wish the girl that you are in love with now crush your heart a million times worse than you crushed mine,
I wish the girl fucked your best friend in front of you.

If I could cast a spell on you, I wish there's a spell stronger, more horrible than abracadabra.
I wish i have the chance to visit you on your death bed and the last thing you will hear from me is
"padan muka, pergi mampus"

Fuck off please. just fuck off from my head.
if there's a God. Please erase him from my memories.
maybe i was just a tool for him to get temporary happiness.

I think Jay is exactly like this girl that i know.
I can't imagine she can't be alone and love herself. She need to have someone with her sebab nak happy.
she told me "tak boleh kawin sebab dia pengkit, tapi nak happy kn." so she had to be with someone after her fiance break up with her.
yeah that is the type of mentality they are having. same upbringing i guess.
i cant believe i loved you.
Luckily we did not get married or anything.
If not i will be fucked by your fucked up world.

what a waste of time.

i was a used toilet paper to him.
maybe you will never mention me to your new girl friend.
yes because i was nothing to you.

-Tolong meninggal-

Pain

People always ask me if my piercings and tattoos hurt.
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.

How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on

I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.

You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.

I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.

If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.

little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.

Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?

I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.

Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.

the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.

all his promises that i am trying to forget.

Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.

This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.

Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.

I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.

-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-

How long does it take?

Why am i still feeling like shit after this long.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.

My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"

Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.

Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.

Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.

My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.

I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.

I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.

No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.

"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.

You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.

Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.

Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.

Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.


Please just stop this punishment.

What happiness mean to you?

You once told me real happiness come from simple little things.
Rich people, they may be rich but they are not happy.
They can have all the money in the world but they can never buy happiness, like what we had.

Walking in the park, vaping on the lake.
Taking in the evening sun.
You bringing me to explore things, you showed me so many.
You gave me hope, excitement.
You taught me simple happiness.
I was so ready to be with you, you showed me how our forever would look like.
You promised you would write a song for our wedding.
We would get married and have a simple happy life.
You told me you were ready.

You made me realized I wasn't really happy before us.
Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for what my parents gave me.
But with him, it was different.
He showed me, not just to see things with my eyes but my heart.

and here i wish to tell you, I am still the same girl that did not, will not ever care about your status, education race or religion.
I loved your soul, it felt like i finally found the missing pair of sock, the lost hair tie, the bobby pins that i dropped.

I wish you loved mine.

How can someone this perfect, just left me to die.
You swear to the stars that you wont leave me, but you did, twice.

Is leaving me your happiness?
what does happiness really mean to you?

After you left, happiness followed.
I was beyond lost. It felt like i was blind folded, in a maze, forced to find the exit.

Time, i would say, helped.
I started to feel like i can be happy again.

When I was talking to my street friends, i realised that everyone came to the city, full of hope and dreams, sadly not all hopes and dreams can be granted by the city.

They became what they had to when the city fails them.

I love walking with a bunch of people around the city, on Wednesday night just to catch a glimpse of hope in their eyes when we talk to them.
Telling us their stories, hoping that one day someone can help them, or just to understand their decision.

He is also the reason i stopped reading, watching, romance books, movies.
because what i had with him was far better, it was real.

but you left.

-They said spring is the season for love, I wonder will I ever find love or will love ever find me?-

I guess not.

I hate you

Today, well part of today is not a really good day for me.
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.

Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.

But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?

Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?

Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!

I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.

I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.

I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.

I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.

I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?

I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.

I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.


I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.

I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.

I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.

I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.

I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.

I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.

I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.

I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"

I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.

I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.

Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.

-Boleh Pergi Mampus-