Things you don't know

Things you don't know.
Despite everything that you know made you leave me.
There are tons of things that you don't know and will never know.
I doubt that you will even care anymore.

Things that you know
- leaving me makes you happy
- leaving me is letting a burden go
- leaving me is the best for you and only you.
- leaving me because you are tired and you never really love me
- leaving me because you gave up
- your ego is more important



Things that you don't know
- Me trying not to give up on life.
telling everyone and myself I am so much better
hoping that it helps
and today, yes today i realised i was never really getting better.
i was avoiding.
avoid feeling anything
avoid crying and being sad.
- i am lost, so lost that i don't know what to do, what i want with my life
- i feel so empty inside. and lonely
- i fake laugh a lot. because faking happiness is the only thing i can do now.
- i missed you a lot too.
- i think about us a lot, things that you said things that we did together
- every corner reminds me of you. of us and how we used to be.
- i lost hope in relationship and doubt that true love exist.
- i ate a lot, i drink, i started smoking a lot, i party just because it makes me forget about this pain
just for a few hours.
- i am trying so hard to be positive everyday just to feel better, just to survive through the day
- i thought i can be happy without you, i am really not sure now.
can i?
- pictures of other couple annoys the shit out of me.
- i am jealous, yes i am, i am jealous of my past.
- you, changed me fucked me up, fucked up my life.
- I still love you very much, and for a split second i wish you come back.
i really do.
- i wish you were dead, will it make me feel better?
- i wish i cheated of did bad things to you so i feel better that you left.
- i wish i was a controlling bitch and fuck up your life before you left, that would make me feel better.
- i doubt that there's anyone that will love me like you did.

So many things that you don't know.
What have you done?
Why did you do this to me?
What am i doing with my life.

How many prayers and wishes to make this pain go away?
How long will it take, for me to really live again?
It has been a while now since you left since we last met each other when is this going to end?
I don't think i can take it any longer.
I hate it when people say cliche things like
"you will feel better again, or you will find someone new that will appreciate and love you"
FUCK THAT.
seriously FUCK THAT
i know i wont.
i know it. i have used up all my luck.
it will never be the same again.

I know people that are reading this might think that i am stupid to waste
my time writing about an ass hole that will never read my blog or even care about me anymore but
bitches, this is my real emotions.
This is how i feel right now this very moment.

Judge as much as you want. I don't really give a fuck about my life, do you think i give about how you think of me?


- fuck off-

teach me please.

I always like to think our relationship is like Hannah and Adam in Girls.
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.

They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.

"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.

The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.

I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.

What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.

You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.

To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.

it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.

I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.

you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.

Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?

How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.

and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?

During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.

I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.

everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?

-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-

Someone New

I wonder if you have someone new that replaced me, like they all assumed.
I wonder if you have someone new does she make you happy?
does she knows all your secrets?
does she love music like we do?
does she cook you favorite food?
is she beautiful?
does she takes all your pain away?

I wonder if you have someone new, that is able to love you more than i do.
I wonder if both of you share the same inside jokes.

I wonder why are you such a coward.
Why do i need to go through your sister to know about you?

What this relationship meant to you?
You are such an ass hole.

I hate you.
I love you.

I am dying.
But i don't want to.
I am struggling to stay alive
to smile to be happy without you.

FUCK i know it is so useless to miss you. to think of you
BUT I CAN'T

HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT?
HOW.
OH GOD. Please teach me how, because I think I cant take it any longer.

Am i faking it all these while?

People said.
You must have found someone new, that's why it is easier.
People said
You really don't want this relationship anymore and dont want me back.
People said.

What about you?
All i really want is, to hear from you. word from your mouth.
All i really want is. I am so lost.

I really am. sucked into this pool of emotions and darkness.
No matter how many people i met. none of them. none can replace you.

You always feel like home to me.
at the end of the day I just want to go home to you.
I guess i am lost because i am homeless?


Will i ever find happiness?
Will i ever be loved again?
Will my heart feel complete again?

You heartless piece of shit.
I hope someone stabs you a million times on your heart to feel my pain.

At the end of the day, I can't deny, this is Karma.
and this is what i deserve.

So GOD if you are punishing me. You are doing hell of a great job
because i dont feel like a human being anymore.

Thanks. I know this is what i deserve.
just take my life. Oh, i dont think you will because it will be too easy for me right.
dying is a release for me.
living is torture.

This is what i have become.
I am no inspiration. I am no She Hulk I am no good example.

I just.

FUCK YOU JAY.

How are you?

How are you?
I really want to know.

How are you?
Do you still miss me.

How are you?

Life is great. I am loving every second of it.
My friends are God sent.

But. yes there will always be a but.
But whenever trouble makes it way to me.
You are all i think about, and what you used to say.

I wish you were here.
To tell me things that i need to hear.
I wish you were here to say that you are going to make everything OK.
I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you are going to make things better.

There is so much that i want to share but can't
I want to tell you how good life is.
I want to tell you how i have been and how strong i am.
I want to tell you good news bad news.
I want to share happy times sad times like we used to.
I want to go to the places we usually hang out.

I want you to tell me about your job and your friends.
I want you to tell your stupid jokes even they don't make any sense.
I want you to tell me how pretty i am.
I want you to tell me how much you need me because you had a bad day.

How are you?
Are you happy without me?
How is life treating you?
Is life better without me?

I don't miss you as much anymore.
only times like this when I need you.
I guess, you were always there when i needed you.
I guess you hugs are the only cure for me.

I don't think about us as much anymore
because there's no point thinking.

I don't wish for anything anymore.
because wishes, wishing well, eye lases, rainbows, even a million shooting stars
can't bring you back to love me.

How are you?
Do you miss our long night conversations?

I wish you were here.


How are you?