How I imagined life would be

We often get ask questions for things that we have the answer but most of the time seems impossible to achieve.
Well, not all of us, there are lots of lucky ass holes out there that can project their life plans, having life goals when they are like 7.

For me, I always thought that by now, I would have traveled the world.
Do something great.
save the world or something.
Instead I'm here, taking calls in a call center.
considering myself helping this world to be a better place one phone call at a time.

You know life can be really simple if I have the courage to do it.
all these wild dreams. It's really nothing.
talk is cheap.
I can't even compare my dreams to smoke. It is basically non existence.

"What do you want in life?" Mom asked.

"Mom, i want so much in life that i dont know where and how to begin, this path that you wish to see me walk, and the path that i really want is so different. I am torn in between to see you happy and proud of me or to really live and feel happy myself. I dont wanna be called selfish, but i dont want to miss out either. It is very hard when you have so much hope in me to do something that you think i should be doing and wanting to do something that i really want to do in my life, like jumping off a water fall, a plane, go kayaking in the Amazon, swimming with dolphins, run off with the circus, travel round the world with nothing but my camera, having multiple tattoos, camping in the middle of no where, quitting my job and focusing on my body.
I want so much, so much that i dont know where to start.
I dont want to just have a job that pays a lot but kills me every time that i get a bad call, seeing the worst of the human species.
The dream of going back to basics. living and working on a farm with cows and horses and sheep.
and when night comes, laying down with the love of my life looking at the stars, hunt meteors, listening to cricket sing, smell of fresh grass and cold night air. tranquil and if you listen close enough you can even hear your own heart beat. I want to smell fresh baked bread everyday from my own kitchen. What do you think Mom?"

-unrealistic- -kinda selfish, what about us, your family?-

The city has consumed pretty most of me.
The city like a famish monster, no matter how much you feed it, the city is very satisfy.
constantly hungry, waiting to swallow the weak.

I longed for simple happiness, waiting for the sunset every evening. not to have to worry about anything.
Believing in magic.
I wish life can be this simple.


I have been contemplating on to write or not to write, but i never had a full blog drafted out till now.

Hope you guys liked it.

- petrol science was fun-

910831

25 years ago, today my parents, in the hospital, the only government hospital in the small Kuala Terengganu town anxiously waiting for their first baby and poofff like magic, i came into this world.

Jesus! 25 years old.
All i know now, till today, life is an unpredictable roller coaster ride.
This year, i mean finally this year I sort of managed to come out from the shadows.

Losing her was somehow traumatic, but this year is treating me not too bad.

I think i need to thank my parents the most.
Thank you for creating me, introduce me to this crazy human world.
give everything to me.
fed me love me.

My grandmother and great grandmother for spoiling me

My sisters that will always have my back no matter how much we fight

My friends that accept me for who i am even sometimes i am a psychotic bitch, thanks guys for not giving up on me.

and of course, my shining knight in armor, the only person that i am constantly obsessed about.

without you guys i am nothing. seriously, life could be so meaningless.

I m really slacking from posting blog posts.
Sorry.

I wish i could put more effort in writing yalls.

I mean, honestly i really wish i could have a schedule to write and post shits.

oh, well Happy Birthday Yoke.



 

I miss my grandma

I miss my gradmother i really do.
I dont know why i felt like i am so closed to her the fact that i only spent 7 years of my life with her.
I miss her so much, i dont know why whenever i am in trouble or felt like talking to someone i would only always think of her.
I miss my grandmother, her gentle touch and her warm hugs.
I miss my grandmother how she would always react when i did something naughty the way she said "anak bertuah" i havent heard it in ages.
I miss my grandmother, i cant remeber the exact date she passed away but what i knew was i could have been a better granddaughter. I remembered the day my parents brought me to the hospital she was on her bed.
I knew she wanted to talk to me i can see it in her eyes.
But the deaseas was taking over her body. I wish i was a better grand daughter.
And now it's too late.
I miss my grandmother and the fact that i only knew her for 7 years of my life it's like knowing her since forever.

People would always tell me to get over it or appreciate the living rather than crying for the dead, but they dont understand. I miss my grandmother.
It is so strange when i feel like she is the only one that will not judge me and know me for who i really am.
Taken me so long just to pour it out, i've been thiking of her since yesterday.

People can think what they want. But i was a kid i did not understand.
I was a kid that was spolid by my grandmother. I cant imagine if she's still alive. How life could be still a fuckiny fat soul i can see.

I remember
She would always put 1 ringgit coins and tied them to my shirt before i go back to the city with my parents.
My dad hated it when she gave me money.
I really miss how she would comb my hair and tie them up in pony tails.
Our walks to the beach and playing with fish doughs in the kerepok factory and washing my hands with her Olay fash wash to get rid of the fish smell.



With her. I always know i was the special one even it was only for 7 years.



You know what fuck my spelling fuck my grammer. This is about my grandmother not some fucking poetry.

31 May 2016

You know for sure that i do not have any ideas for my post title. Isn't it obvious, like come on girl you can try better than that, dates as posts titles. Pfft.

There's really nothing wrong with it but, it's kinda lame in a way.
So much to tell don't know where to start.

I was contemplating on to write or not to write, i mean i am always on my laptop, youtube mostly and the occasional movie series but nothing leads me to click on my blog page and to move my fat fingers to write.

Alright, what would you like to know?
Hows life?
fucked up as usual. fucked up as in the good way and bad way.

Hows job?
seriously?

Honestly, life is treating me good.
I sincerely believe that I am blessed. not to boast or anything, i have never been so contented in my life till recently. so i guess perception is really important. so important that it kills.

Having the date as my post title is not that bad, it means that half of 2016 gone by and i still have half left.
So, better not let this year go to waste.
Good job positive Yoke always knew you are still in there somewhere.

Yeah, it's a good reminder for all of us to reflect on the 1st half of the year.

is it a good thing or a bad thing to be so obsessed with someone?
I am super obsessed with my own boyfriend i cant help it.

Seriously, i think it is getting out of hand. The best thing is he is feeding into my obsession making it a massive black hole.
What is his motives?
How can someone be so nice and so perfect at the same time an ass hole.

There's so much that i love about him, i kept counting them everyday afraid that one day i might lost count.

I am sorry, people out there that clicked to read my blog. I know you are not here to be smitten by the love i have for my boy friend.
but right now, he is all that i can think about.

HE IS ALWAYS IN MY HEAD. do i need a doctor?

i sound like a crazy person.
Oh God i wish i have more contents than fucking rambling about life and my boy friend.

pft.

or it is better that i post nothing?

- help -

Bike Rides

I would never in a million years imagine taking evening bike rides through the city, watching the sun set, feeling the evening breeze.

His effort made everything possible.

Feeling the fresh morning air and the buzzing traffic, the cold night or the sharp rain drops that are trying to cut into your skin every time it hits you.

Singing our lungs out on long rides and falling asleep on his shoulder during my lazy mornings.
Sometimes when the road is really clear even pull my hand from behind and let me twist the hand grip to feel the speed.
Hugging him so tight from behind, and him kissing my hands when we were about to reach home.
I love our bike rides.

His effort made everything happen.
His effort made me happy.
His effort to make me happy.
All he wants is to be happy with me.

Simple things. Simple happiness.

Even it's just a bike ride, but I appreciate and I am happy, and i don't think anyone else in this whole entire world, (expect my family of course) will take responsibility of my happiness but he, he made it like my happiness is his ultimate goal, his mission.

From the past months, a lot have changed.

Every single effort counts.

Positive changes and so, I hope this year will be better than last year.

No, this year is definitely going to be better than last year.

-still, simple happiness-