Was I ever happy?
i have been asking myself this question for a gazillion times.
i mean was i?
Even with Jay, was i really happy?
I dont think people know unhappy I am with life,
with myself, with this bullshit.
I dont think people know, because behind all my stupid jokes
no one know how i cry myself to sleep almost every night.
I dont think i am a very happy person.
but.
Life is decently good now a days.
No drama.
No crazy party and mindless hook ups.
Life is simple, but is this all?
Is this all i want?
Was i happy 3, 4 even 5 years back?
I don't know.
I really don't.
in my quest of searching for happiness I have gotten myself more broken than ever.
I solve people's problem at work, but I don't even know how to sort out my own mess.
Maybe i stopped being happy when the world smack my face, telling me that I need to be at a certain weight, look a certain way so that people fancy me.
All these years I fought hard.
I was never a strong girl, the best I can do is give my signature smile.
I am sorry that all my posts are not motivational or encouraging. I wish I am more positive.
Honestly, I miss Jay, I really do, every waking moment and I am tired of lying to everyone including myself,
I never know that getting over him is this hard.
I remembered that rainy evening, just like today.
He told me "sebenarnya tak susah, you sendiri yang fikir susah."
That was when I asked him how he got over me so quickly.
I guess he never really loved me.
I was the one that gave my all, my heart.
Oh. My precious heart.
I don't know what have I done to it.
I really don't want Jay back anymore.
cross my heart. I don't want to restart whatever nonsense relationship we had.
I am just, sad.
I don't understand. Even if the genie gave me 1 wish to restart things with Jay.
I would have rejected him.
I don't want you back anymore. I mean it's not like he is coming back.
He is not ever coming back. ever.
that's the thing.
I am so hurt by him not even looking back.
As if I am this worthless piece of nothing, his biggest mistake.
He said "I yang bodoh pilih you."
How can anyone say that to someone.
I don't even say it to the people i dislike.
I just feel so broken and every time i try to pick up all the broken pieces i end up cutting myself more.
What should I do?
am i not worthy?
if God knows my pain, why is he stalling time?
Why he allow Jay to be happy with another girl that is going to be his potential wife.
Why?
I highly doubt that she is better than me.
but this is just me right?
If she is not better than me, he wouldn't have picked her.
He would have at least apologize.
I don't even know if him apologizing will do any good.
but him feeling guilty makes me feel better.
Jay, you said you love me though. You said "I janji I takkan tinggalkan you"
When you wrote that song for me. Janji Jaga Cinta. Why do you mean by that?
Your mom likes me. We took care of Daisy.
We had a dream. We had plans together remember?
What have I done to be this devastated.
I swear I am not strong. at all. It might seems that way.
Things are just wrong.
People are telling me "he is not worth it. His loss. He lost someone that love him so much."
If this is true, why am i still so. unhappy. depressed even.
Depression is a big word and I do not want to put any label on my mental state.
This is just how i feel.
More than a week to 2018.
This year, the 1st picture will not be with you anymore.
This year, Christmas will not be like the years before.
Remember the time when you wanted to take selfies with the huge Swarovski tree in Pavilion.
I missed that.
I don't know what more damage can 2018 do to me.
but bring it on. I have nothing left for anyone to break.
I practically do not care. Thinking about life, makes me want to punch a wall every time.
takes a lot to suppress.
and yeah. The answer to was I every happy is still.
I don't know.
-merry fucking Christmas-
Thursday 21 December 2017
Thursday 30 November 2017
monsters.
The temperature of the air tonight feels oddly familiar.
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.
That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.
I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.
It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?
I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.
Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.
This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.
It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.
I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?
It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.
I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,
-I guess, I still can' stop missing you-
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.
That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.
I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.
It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?
I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.
Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.
This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.
It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.
I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?
It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.
I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,
-I guess, I still can' stop missing you-
Thursday 23 November 2017
truth hurts.
I was talking to a good friend of mine about God and that everything happens for a reason.
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.
Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.
I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.
You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."
Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.
He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.
The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.
The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?
Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.
One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.
Why?
Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.
Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.
Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.
- sesungguhnya selepas kesukaran itu kemudahan-
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.
Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.
I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.
You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."
Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.
He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.
The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.
The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?
Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.
One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.
Why?
Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.
Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.
Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.
- sesungguhnya selepas kesukaran itu kemudahan-
Sunday 29 October 2017
A letter to my late grandma
Dear mama,
I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.
I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.
I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.
I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.
I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.
I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.
So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.
I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.
I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?
I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.
I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.
I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.
I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.
I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.
I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.
So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.
I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.
I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?
Thursday 5 October 2017
I forgive you Jay
I forgive you even you blocked me out from your life.
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.
I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you
I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.
I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.
I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.
Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.
What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.
Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.
honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.
-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.
I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.
I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you
I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.
I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.
I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.
Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.
What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.
Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.
honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.
-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-
Sunday 1 October 2017
Why am I still sad?
You know despite realising that he was just temporary in my life,
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.
It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.
It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.
Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.
Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.
I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.
Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.
as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.
Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.
I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.
I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.
I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?
well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.
It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.
It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.
Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.
Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.
I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.
Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.
as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.
Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.
I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.
I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.
I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?
well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-
Sunday 10 September 2017
fresh page
I was just driving to work one day, chilling enjoying the Kuala Lumpur traffic jam.
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.
Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.
Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.
All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.
I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.
I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.
Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.
and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.
Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.
No, I don't want you back too.
Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.
Good bye. RIP #jayyoke
someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy.
-I am much more happier now-
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.
Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.
Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.
All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.
I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.
I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.
Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.
and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.
Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.
No, I don't want you back too.
Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.
Good bye. RIP #jayyoke
someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy.
-I am much more happier now-
Friday 1 September 2017
#yoke26
I've had the best birthday party and i know i owe it to my family and friends.
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.
My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.
No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.
I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.
I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?
God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.
I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.
Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.
Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.
Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.
Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.
Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.
I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.
Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.
Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.
-#yoke26-
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.
My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.
No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.
I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.
I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?
God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.
I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.
Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.
Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.
Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.
Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.
Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.
I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.
Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.
Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.
-#yoke26-
Tuesday 22 August 2017
How to forgive him?
I have been posting shits about Jay lately.
because I really miss him, or am i not letting him go yet?
Someone once told me, to feel happy again is letting go, is to forgive him.
everything about him. everything he did.
then i thought.
How to forgive him?
When he left me via whatsapp?
How to forgive him?
When I went to him on 19 February 2017 mid night, day before his birthday. He was hiding in his house.
I knocked and knocked on his door hoping he would come out and we would sort this out.
I was trying to fight for us, our relationship.
I was trying to rescue us. Hoping you'd still come to Avilion PD where i booked a room to celebrate your 26th birthday.
He did not even want to come out.
He said via whatsapp "I tak nak tengok muka you. You bla. baik you bla sebelom mak i balik. kalau mak i tahu you kat sini i akan buat hidup you susah. tolong jangan kacau i lagi"
I was sitting on the floor in front of his house for hours long. he did not came out. so i left.
How to forgive him?
When i went to him for the 2nd time to clear my head, 4 months after the break up.
It was drizzling, i waited for him in the rain at his bike below his office building. that bike that we used to ride around town, looking at amazing sun sets.
I waited for what seems like a decade.
when i saw him came down, he was texting and smiling to his phone.
I knew. immediately, he was texting with another girl.
He did talked to me but, I can't see the old Jay anymore in his eyes.
He said "I dah tak sayang you."
and lied saying that the reason for the breakup is my parents wont ever accept him.
Which is total bull shit.
How to forgive him?
When he used to tell me if one of us give up on this relationship, then everything will fall apart. Look what he did.
How to forgive him?
When I found out he was texting Ififififiyyyyyyyyy whoever that whore is,
he put the blame on me.
He said he needed someone to talk to and she was just a friend.
How to forgive him?
When he made so many empty promises?
How to forgive him?
When he is constantly threatening to break up with me when something bad happens to our relationship?
How to forgive him?
When he wrote a song for me and it is meaningless now.
How to forgive him?
When all I can ever think of is his smile when he used to come pick me up with him old bike.
How to forgive him?
When he was so far from perfect but i loved every inch of him.
How to forgive him?
When I thought we were stable and solid and he was the one for me.
How to forgive him?
He left me, even he know me so well and whatever he did would crush my soul.
He did it anyway, in a horrible way.
How to forgive him?
When he used to surprise me with kittens and i have none now.
How to forgive him?
When i know he and his sisters will just laugh at the state i am in now.
How to forgive him?
After he left I am the one having all the heart break and misery when he is happily fucking other girls.
How to forgive him?
When he rather chose some low class Malay rempit girl that wears platform slippers over me.
How to forgive him?
I feel so shitty about myself. Like i will never be and wont be good enough for anyone to love me.
How to forgive him?
When he didn't have the balls to break up nicely with me after 4 years of knowing each other.
How to forgive him?
When he left me right after he said" I promise i will make it up to you, i will make our relationship better" 24 hours after that. he dumped me. via fucking whatsapp.
How to forgive him?
When he said "No matter what happens or how bad our situation is, we will always go back to each other"
How to forgive him?
When i know i will never love again. How can i ever love or trust anyone again?
How to forgive him?
After all the annual trips all the adventures.
How to forgive him?
When his fucking house is right in front of my balcony. every inch of our neighborhood is our memories.
How to forgive him?
When i know he and all his new girl friends would laugh at me after all i did for him.
How to forgive him?
When he promised to fight for us, to overcome my parents and all the people that are against us.
How to forgive him?
When he fucking ruin my life plan. I planned to get married before 30 and start my small little family with 2 cats. and look at me now?
I don't even know how to stop eating anymore.
How to forgive him?
all i want now is to be happy again, like i used to.
my life is so far away from happiness.
so. help me.
- fuck you, MUHAMMAD NAZIR BIN AWANG ALIAS.-
Friday 18 August 2017
Birthday Month.
I can't believe it has been 6 months.
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.
I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.
31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.
This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.
Seriously FUCK LOVE.
Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.
I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?
Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.
After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.
I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.
Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.
1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.
I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.
- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-
Honestly, this is the longest that I've been single.
I can't say there's 0 happy moments through out these 6 painstakingly long months.
I do feel happy at times. but just for a split second. I wish everything was back to how it used to be.
I have gained so much weight, uncontrollably.
31 August 2017. This could be the worst birthday or the best birthday.
I wonder if you remember me still and my birthday.
I wonder if you will wish me or secretly miss me.
I wonder if you are still alive and well. How's your bitch.
This month has been, sort of depressing.
I can't stop being dramatic and blaming God each and every waking moment.
I hate being alive. Do you know that?
I hate being alive. I wish I am dead so that I don't need to suffer like this everyday.
I hate not being able to enjoy romantic movies and books anymore because I don't believe in love.
FUCK LOVE.
Seriously FUCK LOVE.
Cheaters all around me.
I don't fucking understand.
They being the lucky ones, would want to cheat.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have someone always there for you, that cares for you, that loves you for who you are not just trying to use you?
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise how lucky you are to have that someone that misses you, that would do anything for you and at the end of the day you can go home to that special someone.
HEY FUCK FACE do you realise what you have right now is the only thing that I wish i could have right now.
I wish i could turn back time.
I wish i could.
I am so fucking jealous of couples that have been together for ages and now married happily with children.
I though we would be one of them.
Jayyoke forever you know?
Sadly God hates me and this is my punishment i guess.
I must be a horrible person for you to just forget me so easily.
I must be a horrible person that any low class rempit girl that wears pasar malam cheap ass "platform" slippers can replace me.
I must be a horrible person that you won't even come back.
After so long, after going through so many ass holes, jerks and fuck boys.
All I still want is you.
I feel like dying still everyday.
and it's all your fault.
I do not want any random relationship with any other guy that doesn't smell or laugh like you
or even loved me like you did.
Funny even after so long, I still can't forget you.
Why am i the only one looking for you in other people.
I miss you so much Jay.
When can i ever stop missing someone that don't even care about me anymore?
The more i try to let go.
The worst i felt.
1 year ago you gave me my birthday ring in front of your mother.
Today, I am here. drinking vodka in my starbucks cup eating chips like a loser.
It sucks. I suck.
I wish one day you'd come back. I will still hug you so tight regardless.
You know what, you are still the 1st person that I think of when i wake up every morning.
You are still the person that I want to share my happiness and difficult times with.
Sadly, all these emotions are just a waste of time and killing me each day.
I guess. I want only you.
well. Happy Fucking Birthday Yoke you piece of obese shit.
- let it hard hard and cleans my soul.-
Thursday 20 July 2017
Cinta Palsu
I got this blog title from some ass hole that wasted my good night sleep.
A lot has happened since.
It has been almost 6 months now.
I can't say that i have completely let go.
how i wish i have the ability to select things that i want to remember and things that are too painful to forget.
I have been going out with a handful of guys but none of them stayed.
liars, cheaters, scumbags was all i found.
maybe it was me, and the type of guy i prefer, forever trying to find pieces of you in them.
maybe it was me, that i was too naive
Why is it so hard to just forget and let go?
How can the past be more beautiful than my current state?
Jay,
You not only exile me from your life.
But you exile me from life itself.
I lost all hope and faith in relationships or in love.
or trust anyone in general.
It is so hard for me to accept that you are happily living your life.
but i am struggling to stay alive.
Throughout all the guys that i have dated, one stood out.
Hercules.
I thought this is it, I am hitting the restart button and there's hope again.
like he is the end of my sufferings and i would be happy again maybe even happier.
It started out again, so unexpectedly.
But wait, just when i was about to open up, life always fucks me up.
He dragged me so far away from what I thought.
Things got really sour.
He treated me like I am a piece of shit even I told him what happened to me.
How could you?
How could you say things that just to make someone feel good and fucking punch me right where it hurts, right where my wounds are still fresh?
I wish i can be as cruel.
I really wish i can hurt someone that just poured his feelings out to me
I wish i can be as mean and as heartless.
I am happy with myself. I am really just giving up on the state that i am in now.
when people talks about forever love and till death do us part,
I look at myself and my past relationships,
and i look at my friends with their happy little family.
What horrible things that I have done to deserve this?
I also realised that, I was too used to being the "special one" for Jay
and all i had was special treatments.
It's like when she said "he's mine."
it reminded me that i used to have you to call mine
and now, i have no one to hold on and say mine.
and when i was chased out from my fantasy world,
I am trying so hard to get other guys to treat me like he did.
It hurts thinking that actually none of the guys really likes me.
All they want was just a taste of my puki cina.
Jay,
I don't understand how are you even happy?
You literally close up my heart from love as if I don't deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to, i just, can't.
I question myself. I question God. Question life.
I soon found out that there was no use blaming or questioning God because he never listens.
I am tired. I really am.
all i had was cinta palsu.
-my posts are about me myself and i, i am well aware that there's other people in the world that are suffering more, like war and starvation. I am not trying to compare or not feel grateful. I am just hurt and really need to put it out.-
A lot has happened since.
It has been almost 6 months now.
I can't say that i have completely let go.
how i wish i have the ability to select things that i want to remember and things that are too painful to forget.
I have been going out with a handful of guys but none of them stayed.
liars, cheaters, scumbags was all i found.
maybe it was me, and the type of guy i prefer, forever trying to find pieces of you in them.
maybe it was me, that i was too naive
Why is it so hard to just forget and let go?
How can the past be more beautiful than my current state?
Jay,
You not only exile me from your life.
But you exile me from life itself.
I lost all hope and faith in relationships or in love.
or trust anyone in general.
It is so hard for me to accept that you are happily living your life.
but i am struggling to stay alive.
Throughout all the guys that i have dated, one stood out.
Hercules.
I thought this is it, I am hitting the restart button and there's hope again.
like he is the end of my sufferings and i would be happy again maybe even happier.
It started out again, so unexpectedly.
But wait, just when i was about to open up, life always fucks me up.
He dragged me so far away from what I thought.
Things got really sour.
He treated me like I am a piece of shit even I told him what happened to me.
How could you?
How could you say things that just to make someone feel good and fucking punch me right where it hurts, right where my wounds are still fresh?
I wish i can be as cruel.
I really wish i can hurt someone that just poured his feelings out to me
I wish i can be as mean and as heartless.
I am happy with myself. I am really just giving up on the state that i am in now.
when people talks about forever love and till death do us part,
I look at myself and my past relationships,
and i look at my friends with their happy little family.
What horrible things that I have done to deserve this?
I also realised that, I was too used to being the "special one" for Jay
and all i had was special treatments.
It's like when she said "he's mine."
it reminded me that i used to have you to call mine
and now, i have no one to hold on and say mine.
and when i was chased out from my fantasy world,
I am trying so hard to get other guys to treat me like he did.
It hurts thinking that actually none of the guys really likes me.
All they want was just a taste of my puki cina.
Jay,
I don't understand how are you even happy?
You literally close up my heart from love as if I don't deserve to be happy.
As much as I want to, i just, can't.
I question myself. I question God. Question life.
I soon found out that there was no use blaming or questioning God because he never listens.
I am tired. I really am.
all i had was cinta palsu.
-my posts are about me myself and i, i am well aware that there's other people in the world that are suffering more, like war and starvation. I am not trying to compare or not feel grateful. I am just hurt and really need to put it out.-
Saturday 10 June 2017
I wish you hell
Tonight is one of those nights again where memories become my worst fear.
I am tired, I just want to sleep but images of you haunts me.
Honestly even your sister's instagram scares me.
I have been talking to a few friends about break up and relationships problem.
You know what, at the end of the day,
I realised that you, Jay, is a heartless bastard.
Just like your father.
You said you never want to be like him.
but boy, the way i see it, you are so much like him.
Yes you are.
Blocking me out from your life.
It is better that you die.
It is better that you were never alive
running away from problems and giving lame excuses.
Blocking me out from your life.
As though as i meant nothing.
Why say "I love you" when you planned to do this to me?
Was it because you did not have faith that made you so heartless?
You think you are some kind of hot shit?
Blocking me out like a dickless looser.
I wish you die a horrible death.
I wish you the worst thing that i could ever wish for my worst enemy.
Breakups are sad, what is even sadder here is,
Jay, blocked me out from everything of his life
he thinks he is so great and powerful and always right
he thinks that he will never regret what he did.
he did not even block out his other exes but he blocked me.
like i am a piece of shit.
I felt so insulted the fact that i gave my heart and soul.
the fact that we talked about getting married
and this is what i get when you dumped me.
I wish i did horrible things to you when you were with me.
I wish i cheated with your best friend.
I wish i betrayed you.
I wish i can crush your heart and stomp on it like it is nothing.
Go to hell Jay.
seriously, deep in my heart I wish you die a horrible death.
i wish you can feel how i am feeling now and a billion times worse.
You all think that breakups are so sad or you can't be with the guy you love or you have been friend zoned.
Bitches, chill nothing is worst than being blocked out of everything as though as he never loved me, never knew me.
after all he did for me, after he said "I love you" he left me.
like a used condom.
As least for other people, the person is still there, they still exist, you can still see them occasionally.
not for me, it is as though he vanished.
That's why it is better for me to think that he is dead.
He die without a funeral.
Or the Jay i knew, the Jay that used to loved me, died.
That guy, that i loved so much, he had compassion, and so much love to give,
i think that guy is dead.
I wish which ever girl you are with now gives you hell and all kinds of sex disease.
I wish the girl that you are in love with now crush your heart a million times worse than you crushed mine,
I wish the girl fucked your best friend in front of you.
If I could cast a spell on you, I wish there's a spell stronger, more horrible than abracadabra.
I wish i have the chance to visit you on your death bed and the last thing you will hear from me is
"padan muka, pergi mampus"
Fuck off please. just fuck off from my head.
if there's a God. Please erase him from my memories.
maybe i was just a tool for him to get temporary happiness.
I think Jay is exactly like this girl that i know.
I can't imagine she can't be alone and love herself. She need to have someone with her sebab nak happy.
she told me "tak boleh kawin sebab dia pengkit, tapi nak happy kn." so she had to be with someone after her fiance break up with her.
yeah that is the type of mentality they are having. same upbringing i guess.
i cant believe i loved you.
Luckily we did not get married or anything.
If not i will be fucked by your fucked up world.
what a waste of time.
i was a used toilet paper to him.
maybe you will never mention me to your new girl friend.
yes because i was nothing to you.
-Tolong meninggal-
I am tired, I just want to sleep but images of you haunts me.
Honestly even your sister's instagram scares me.
I have been talking to a few friends about break up and relationships problem.
You know what, at the end of the day,
I realised that you, Jay, is a heartless bastard.
Just like your father.
You said you never want to be like him.
but boy, the way i see it, you are so much like him.
Yes you are.
Blocking me out from your life.
It is better that you die.
It is better that you were never alive
running away from problems and giving lame excuses.
Blocking me out from your life.
As though as i meant nothing.
Why say "I love you" when you planned to do this to me?
Was it because you did not have faith that made you so heartless?
You think you are some kind of hot shit?
Blocking me out like a dickless looser.
I wish you die a horrible death.
I wish you the worst thing that i could ever wish for my worst enemy.
Breakups are sad, what is even sadder here is,
Jay, blocked me out from everything of his life
he thinks he is so great and powerful and always right
he thinks that he will never regret what he did.
he did not even block out his other exes but he blocked me.
like i am a piece of shit.
I felt so insulted the fact that i gave my heart and soul.
the fact that we talked about getting married
and this is what i get when you dumped me.
I wish i did horrible things to you when you were with me.
I wish i cheated with your best friend.
I wish i betrayed you.
I wish i can crush your heart and stomp on it like it is nothing.
Go to hell Jay.
seriously, deep in my heart I wish you die a horrible death.
i wish you can feel how i am feeling now and a billion times worse.
You all think that breakups are so sad or you can't be with the guy you love or you have been friend zoned.
Bitches, chill nothing is worst than being blocked out of everything as though as he never loved me, never knew me.
after all he did for me, after he said "I love you" he left me.
like a used condom.
As least for other people, the person is still there, they still exist, you can still see them occasionally.
not for me, it is as though he vanished.
That's why it is better for me to think that he is dead.
He die without a funeral.
Or the Jay i knew, the Jay that used to loved me, died.
That guy, that i loved so much, he had compassion, and so much love to give,
i think that guy is dead.
I wish which ever girl you are with now gives you hell and all kinds of sex disease.
I wish the girl that you are in love with now crush your heart a million times worse than you crushed mine,
I wish the girl fucked your best friend in front of you.
If I could cast a spell on you, I wish there's a spell stronger, more horrible than abracadabra.
I wish i have the chance to visit you on your death bed and the last thing you will hear from me is
"padan muka, pergi mampus"
Fuck off please. just fuck off from my head.
if there's a God. Please erase him from my memories.
maybe i was just a tool for him to get temporary happiness.
I think Jay is exactly like this girl that i know.
I can't imagine she can't be alone and love herself. She need to have someone with her sebab nak happy.
she told me "tak boleh kawin sebab dia pengkit, tapi nak happy kn." so she had to be with someone after her fiance break up with her.
yeah that is the type of mentality they are having. same upbringing i guess.
i cant believe i loved you.
Luckily we did not get married or anything.
If not i will be fucked by your fucked up world.
what a waste of time.
i was a used toilet paper to him.
maybe you will never mention me to your new girl friend.
yes because i was nothing to you.
-Tolong meninggal-
Monday 29 May 2017
Pain
People always ask me if my piercings and tattoos hurt.
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.
How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on
I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.
You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.
I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.
If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.
little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.
Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?
I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.
Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.
the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.
all his promises that i am trying to forget.
Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.
This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.
Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.
I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.
-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.
How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on
I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.
You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.
I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.
If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.
little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.
Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?
I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.
Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.
the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.
all his promises that i am trying to forget.
Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.
This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.
Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.
I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.
-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-
Saturday 27 May 2017
How long does it take?
Why am i still feeling like shit after this long.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.
My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"
Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.
Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.
Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.
My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.
I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.
I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.
No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.
"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.
You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.
Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.
Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.
Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.
Please just stop this punishment.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.
My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"
Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.
Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.
Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.
My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.
I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.
I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.
No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.
"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.
You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.
Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.
Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.
Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.
Please just stop this punishment.
Friday 19 May 2017
What happiness mean to you?
You once told me real happiness come from simple little things.
Rich people, they may be rich but they are not happy.
They can have all the money in the world but they can never buy happiness, like what we had.
Walking in the park, vaping on the lake.
Taking in the evening sun.
You bringing me to explore things, you showed me so many.
You gave me hope, excitement.
You taught me simple happiness.
I was so ready to be with you, you showed me how our forever would look like.
You promised you would write a song for our wedding.
We would get married and have a simple happy life.
You told me you were ready.
You made me realized I wasn't really happy before us.
Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for what my parents gave me.
But with him, it was different.
He showed me, not just to see things with my eyes but my heart.
and here i wish to tell you, I am still the same girl that did not, will not ever care about your status, education race or religion.
I loved your soul, it felt like i finally found the missing pair of sock, the lost hair tie, the bobby pins that i dropped.
I wish you loved mine.
How can someone this perfect, just left me to die.
You swear to the stars that you wont leave me, but you did, twice.
Is leaving me your happiness?
what does happiness really mean to you?
After you left, happiness followed.
I was beyond lost. It felt like i was blind folded, in a maze, forced to find the exit.
Time, i would say, helped.
I started to feel like i can be happy again.
When I was talking to my street friends, i realised that everyone came to the city, full of hope and dreams, sadly not all hopes and dreams can be granted by the city.
They became what they had to when the city fails them.
I love walking with a bunch of people around the city, on Wednesday night just to catch a glimpse of hope in their eyes when we talk to them.
Telling us their stories, hoping that one day someone can help them, or just to understand their decision.
He is also the reason i stopped reading, watching, romance books, movies.
because what i had with him was far better, it was real.
but you left.
-They said spring is the season for love, I wonder will I ever find love or will love ever find me?-
I guess not.
Rich people, they may be rich but they are not happy.
They can have all the money in the world but they can never buy happiness, like what we had.
Walking in the park, vaping on the lake.
Taking in the evening sun.
You bringing me to explore things, you showed me so many.
You gave me hope, excitement.
You taught me simple happiness.
I was so ready to be with you, you showed me how our forever would look like.
You promised you would write a song for our wedding.
We would get married and have a simple happy life.
You told me you were ready.
You made me realized I wasn't really happy before us.
Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for what my parents gave me.
But with him, it was different.
He showed me, not just to see things with my eyes but my heart.
and here i wish to tell you, I am still the same girl that did not, will not ever care about your status, education race or religion.
I loved your soul, it felt like i finally found the missing pair of sock, the lost hair tie, the bobby pins that i dropped.
I wish you loved mine.
How can someone this perfect, just left me to die.
You swear to the stars that you wont leave me, but you did, twice.
Is leaving me your happiness?
what does happiness really mean to you?
After you left, happiness followed.
I was beyond lost. It felt like i was blind folded, in a maze, forced to find the exit.
Time, i would say, helped.
I started to feel like i can be happy again.
When I was talking to my street friends, i realised that everyone came to the city, full of hope and dreams, sadly not all hopes and dreams can be granted by the city.
They became what they had to when the city fails them.
I love walking with a bunch of people around the city, on Wednesday night just to catch a glimpse of hope in their eyes when we talk to them.
Telling us their stories, hoping that one day someone can help them, or just to understand their decision.
He is also the reason i stopped reading, watching, romance books, movies.
because what i had with him was far better, it was real.
but you left.
-They said spring is the season for love, I wonder will I ever find love or will love ever find me?-
I guess not.
Thursday 11 May 2017
I hate you
Today, well part of today is not a really good day for me.
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.
Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.
But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?
Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?
Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!
I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.
I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.
I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.
I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.
I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?
I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.
I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.
I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.
I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.
I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.
I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.
I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.
I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.
I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.
I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"
I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.
I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.
Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.
-Boleh Pergi Mampus-
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.
Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.
But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?
Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?
Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!
I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.
I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.
I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.
I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.
I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?
I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.
I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.
I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.
I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.
I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.
I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.
I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.
I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.
I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.
I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"
I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.
I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.
Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.
-Boleh Pergi Mampus-
Saturday 15 April 2017
Letter for Jay's new girlfriend
I met Jay yesterday, basically ambushed him at his work place.
I just wanted closure, to talk and to really understand the core of the breakup.
Or maybe I missed him and i really just want to meet him.
Now a days I can't tell what my heart and brain wants anymore.
Everything gone haywire.
I was lying too much to myself, I kept forcing myself to believe that I had moved on and I am happy.
Maybe I still am but, I think from now on, I am just going to acknowledge those feelings.
I am not going to hate myself for crying for myself,
I am not going to hate myself for missing Jay and the fact that we will never be together
I am not going to hate myself for letting the story of jayyoke ends.
I am going to tell myself that, whatever we had, ended. just like everything that stars, will end.
You know how it feels when your favorite TV series comes to an end but it is not the ending you wanted. Yup, that is exactly how i felt for the longest time.
I kept asking myself why why why. so many questions that i cant let go.
That's why i went to him yesterday, we did not fight or quarrel or beating each other up.
We talked, for a very short while and he was rushing back home.
Perhaps to his new girl.
so here it goes.
Dear Jay's new bitch,
Yes I am going to call you a bitch, because, you have him now and I know how loving this guy can be.
Of course i am fucking jealous.
anyways congratulations, you have his heart now. Oh bitch you better be careful.
Jay can be an ass hole sometimes. He is selfish, i dont blame him though, his fucked up childhood made him that way.
He can sometimes be heartless and cruel.
well he is to his exes.
so you better pray that you don't become one of them.
He craves love, and he will appreciate it if you love his music.
He love to be praised, he thinks he is super hot, which is not really not the case. well for me of course he is, tall dark and handsome and all.
He loves his dimples and his vampire tooth.
He used to love sports a lot. So push that mother fucker sometimes ok. force him to go work out. cuz i know he misses how fit he was.
He is very proud of his achievements as a gamer. people used to call him Legend. Bean Snakee whatever bullshit.
Oh and please don't stop him from hanging out with his friends at the cyber cafe. dont stop him from playing online games, because it is part of him.
He will really appreciate it if you give him his space.
because at the end of the day, he will always come back to you.
The down side of him is, he is still traumatized by this car accident he had when he was young, I am not sure if he owns a driving license by the time you read this.
But if he has, well, congratulations.
You know, I was the one that encouraged him to get a motor license. So if he is bringing you on bike rides without feeling guilty, all thanks to me. We have our very own secret hand shake. We were a team.
We used to hike up FIRM 4 times in a day.
Too bad if you aint fit. Try to beat that! Hah.
Please remember that he is allergic to seafood. No seafood for that fucker.
Oh ya and he has this skin rashes if he is too hot or if he goes to the gym.
His body will be super itchy and he will be fucking grumpy.
Just be patient and hold his hands, stop him from scratching and tell him everything is going to be alright and fucking rush him to the hospital.
He has this steroid cream with him to temporary stop his allergies, ask for the brand and go get it from the pharmacy.
I don't think it's cheap but bitch, i pray that you have money. hah!
I left a permanent mark on his leg, you can ask him about that :)
I have our initials tattooed at the back of my ear.
He love food. But, he can be very picky sometimes, he will only eat certain vegy. well that is up to you to explore.
He always drinks before he eat and will never drink during his meal, he will only drink after he finishes his food and he has this weird habit of dripping his drinks on all the plates after he finishes his food.
His mom told him murah rezeki.
Remember to text him good morning and good night everyday, because it is important to him.
Oh ya and don't forget the kisses emoji. You can't forget the kisses and hearts emoji. He loves them.
He loves karaok, so indulge him once a while, its a bonus if you have great voice, but if u don't doesn't matter, he wont mind.
Jay don't like conflicts. so if you have anything that you want to fight about, bitch you better shut the fuck up because he will end up leaving you.
He thinks that he is always right, even when he does something wrong, he will somehow blame you for it.
Like the time i found out he was texting another girl.
He said it was because we are always fighting and he needed someone to talk to.
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
You better be careful. he can be a mother fucking liar sometimes.
He is really hard working, so you don't need to worry about him slacking.
He loves kid. Oh ya, if he tells you that he wants to name his futur son Nasri, please remember we thought of this name together and that kid was suppose to be named Nasri Ong, and Nasrina Ong.
Burn bitch!
We rescued kittens together and had a cat name Daisy.
She was our 1st baby.
Oh and he hates promoters approaching him because like i said, he pussy, and he has issue with his self esteem, he hates rich people, so if you have rich friends, he will not, i repeat he will not join you guys, or he will be very reluctant.
You need to be really resourceful and good at managing things because you will need to be his Personal Assistant once in a while.
You better be good at organising shits. He need that.
He need people to help him with his resume, opening an online banking account for him, and things like that.
He can't handle anything.
He don't know how to make hotel reservations or any other reservations.
He can't plan any surprises because he will end up telling you everything that he is going to do for you.
He hates people forcing him doing things that he don't want to and he will always think for himself 1st.
He express love in a different way, he will do things for you scarifies his sleep for you if he really loves you.
We always have this annual trip. Bitch you better be good at planing, and please remind him to save his money in his second account, because i taught him that.
Just remember every good thing that you are enjoying now. Is because of me.
He used to be a technician wearing old dirty clothes to work and because of me,
he found a better job, wearing real smart to work everyday.
Me and him, we are the same. Just remember that he used to tell me
"no matter how far we go, or whatever happen to us, we will always come back to each other"
He told me that bitch but he left me anyway, so you better be careful.
He loves his mom, his mom is the coolest. I love her too.
Oh ya i met his entire family, including his aunts, and they gave me a malay name "Yuhanis"
His friends and family loves me, they can joke and laugh with me, so bitch you better step up your game.
He used to write me a song "Janji Jaga Cinta", i taught him his 1st Chinese song.
and all the English songs he is singing to you, he used to sing it to me too.
and i used to fall asleep on his lap while he was playing the guitar and singing.
Oh and if he tells you that, "no girls have ever done this to me or i love you" you better don't believe it completely because that is what the always say to me.
He told me i was the one. that he would fight for us and he would be like Shahrukhan and show my family that he can take care of me.
Well guess what, he gave up.
If he is bringing you to fancy place for dinner, you better pray that it wasn't the place me and him used to date.
He is stupid and forgetful sometimes, you just need to remind him and he will be fine.
He loves stopping by to watch busking and yes Bob sentuhan knows him and me.
Jay used to sing with him and sang me a song in public told everyone that i am his beloved.
Start getting jealous bitch.
Oh ya, he, will not. i repeat. will not have any plans for his or your birthday.
Good luck girl.
He do not know how to surprise you so, just live with that.
You will feel so shitty that you have a useless boyfriend that do not know how to plan your birthday.
He can be useless to sometimes, ya ask him about what happen with me and him at H1.
I bet he will not tell you.
Because he is. and will always be a coward.
Not sure if his new girl friend understands my English. Mana tahu girlfriend baru minah rempitz that can't read English just like him.
Or some school girl that still types L1K3 tH1$.
Or he got lucky and found a rich bitch, anyway. This is a letter for you bitch, in case you are stalking his ex.
I gotta tell you, in his heart, i will forever be, the one that got away. No matter how many times you ask him and how many times he deny.
I know him better than you do.
We grew up, went through shits.
He will always be comparing you to me, so you better pray that you are good enough for him.
Sorry that you will always be living under my shadow.
After all the nasty shit that i say about him, at the end of the day only me and i can say shit to him.
Bitch you better pray that you will not be one of his exes like me, because when he is in love, he will make you feel like to luckiest happiest girl in the world.
but when the time comes and he decided to leave you, girl. you better prepare a gun, and kill yourself, because you will never recover from the pain.
unless you are like me, but of course, you will never be.
All in all, i will hate you no matter how nice you are.
most sincerely,
Yoke :)
I just wanted closure, to talk and to really understand the core of the breakup.
Or maybe I missed him and i really just want to meet him.
Now a days I can't tell what my heart and brain wants anymore.
Everything gone haywire.
I was lying too much to myself, I kept forcing myself to believe that I had moved on and I am happy.
Maybe I still am but, I think from now on, I am just going to acknowledge those feelings.
I am not going to hate myself for crying for myself,
I am not going to hate myself for missing Jay and the fact that we will never be together
I am not going to hate myself for letting the story of jayyoke ends.
I am going to tell myself that, whatever we had, ended. just like everything that stars, will end.
You know how it feels when your favorite TV series comes to an end but it is not the ending you wanted. Yup, that is exactly how i felt for the longest time.
I kept asking myself why why why. so many questions that i cant let go.
That's why i went to him yesterday, we did not fight or quarrel or beating each other up.
We talked, for a very short while and he was rushing back home.
Perhaps to his new girl.
so here it goes.
Dear Jay's new bitch,
Yes I am going to call you a bitch, because, you have him now and I know how loving this guy can be.
Of course i am fucking jealous.
anyways congratulations, you have his heart now. Oh bitch you better be careful.
Jay can be an ass hole sometimes. He is selfish, i dont blame him though, his fucked up childhood made him that way.
He can sometimes be heartless and cruel.
well he is to his exes.
so you better pray that you don't become one of them.
He craves love, and he will appreciate it if you love his music.
He love to be praised, he thinks he is super hot, which is not really not the case. well for me of course he is, tall dark and handsome and all.
He loves his dimples and his vampire tooth.
He used to love sports a lot. So push that mother fucker sometimes ok. force him to go work out. cuz i know he misses how fit he was.
He is very proud of his achievements as a gamer. people used to call him Legend. Bean Snakee whatever bullshit.
Oh and please don't stop him from hanging out with his friends at the cyber cafe. dont stop him from playing online games, because it is part of him.
He will really appreciate it if you give him his space.
because at the end of the day, he will always come back to you.
The down side of him is, he is still traumatized by this car accident he had when he was young, I am not sure if he owns a driving license by the time you read this.
But if he has, well, congratulations.
You know, I was the one that encouraged him to get a motor license. So if he is bringing you on bike rides without feeling guilty, all thanks to me. We have our very own secret hand shake. We were a team.
We used to hike up FIRM 4 times in a day.
Too bad if you aint fit. Try to beat that! Hah.
Please remember that he is allergic to seafood. No seafood for that fucker.
Oh ya and he has this skin rashes if he is too hot or if he goes to the gym.
His body will be super itchy and he will be fucking grumpy.
Just be patient and hold his hands, stop him from scratching and tell him everything is going to be alright and fucking rush him to the hospital.
He has this steroid cream with him to temporary stop his allergies, ask for the brand and go get it from the pharmacy.
I don't think it's cheap but bitch, i pray that you have money. hah!
I left a permanent mark on his leg, you can ask him about that :)
I have our initials tattooed at the back of my ear.
He love food. But, he can be very picky sometimes, he will only eat certain vegy. well that is up to you to explore.
He always drinks before he eat and will never drink during his meal, he will only drink after he finishes his food and he has this weird habit of dripping his drinks on all the plates after he finishes his food.
His mom told him murah rezeki.
Remember to text him good morning and good night everyday, because it is important to him.
Oh ya and don't forget the kisses emoji. You can't forget the kisses and hearts emoji. He loves them.
He loves karaok, so indulge him once a while, its a bonus if you have great voice, but if u don't doesn't matter, he wont mind.
Jay don't like conflicts. so if you have anything that you want to fight about, bitch you better shut the fuck up because he will end up leaving you.
He thinks that he is always right, even when he does something wrong, he will somehow blame you for it.
Like the time i found out he was texting another girl.
He said it was because we are always fighting and he needed someone to talk to.
FUCKING BULLSHIT.
You better be careful. he can be a mother fucking liar sometimes.
He is really hard working, so you don't need to worry about him slacking.
He loves kid. Oh ya, if he tells you that he wants to name his futur son Nasri, please remember we thought of this name together and that kid was suppose to be named Nasri Ong, and Nasrina Ong.
Burn bitch!
We rescued kittens together and had a cat name Daisy.
She was our 1st baby.
Oh and he hates promoters approaching him because like i said, he pussy, and he has issue with his self esteem, he hates rich people, so if you have rich friends, he will not, i repeat he will not join you guys, or he will be very reluctant.
You need to be really resourceful and good at managing things because you will need to be his Personal Assistant once in a while.
You better be good at organising shits. He need that.
He need people to help him with his resume, opening an online banking account for him, and things like that.
He can't handle anything.
He don't know how to make hotel reservations or any other reservations.
He can't plan any surprises because he will end up telling you everything that he is going to do for you.
He hates people forcing him doing things that he don't want to and he will always think for himself 1st.
He express love in a different way, he will do things for you scarifies his sleep for you if he really loves you.
We always have this annual trip. Bitch you better be good at planing, and please remind him to save his money in his second account, because i taught him that.
Just remember every good thing that you are enjoying now. Is because of me.
He used to be a technician wearing old dirty clothes to work and because of me,
he found a better job, wearing real smart to work everyday.
Me and him, we are the same. Just remember that he used to tell me
"no matter how far we go, or whatever happen to us, we will always come back to each other"
He told me that bitch but he left me anyway, so you better be careful.
He loves his mom, his mom is the coolest. I love her too.
Oh ya i met his entire family, including his aunts, and they gave me a malay name "Yuhanis"
His friends and family loves me, they can joke and laugh with me, so bitch you better step up your game.
He used to write me a song "Janji Jaga Cinta", i taught him his 1st Chinese song.
and all the English songs he is singing to you, he used to sing it to me too.
and i used to fall asleep on his lap while he was playing the guitar and singing.
Oh and if he tells you that, "no girls have ever done this to me or i love you" you better don't believe it completely because that is what the always say to me.
He told me i was the one. that he would fight for us and he would be like Shahrukhan and show my family that he can take care of me.
Well guess what, he gave up.
If he is bringing you to fancy place for dinner, you better pray that it wasn't the place me and him used to date.
He is stupid and forgetful sometimes, you just need to remind him and he will be fine.
He loves stopping by to watch busking and yes Bob sentuhan knows him and me.
Jay used to sing with him and sang me a song in public told everyone that i am his beloved.
Start getting jealous bitch.
Oh ya, he, will not. i repeat. will not have any plans for his or your birthday.
Good luck girl.
He do not know how to surprise you so, just live with that.
You will feel so shitty that you have a useless boyfriend that do not know how to plan your birthday.
He can be useless to sometimes, ya ask him about what happen with me and him at H1.
I bet he will not tell you.
Because he is. and will always be a coward.
Not sure if his new girl friend understands my English. Mana tahu girlfriend baru minah rempitz that can't read English just like him.
Or some school girl that still types L1K3 tH1$.
Or he got lucky and found a rich bitch, anyway. This is a letter for you bitch, in case you are stalking his ex.
I gotta tell you, in his heart, i will forever be, the one that got away. No matter how many times you ask him and how many times he deny.
I know him better than you do.
We grew up, went through shits.
He will always be comparing you to me, so you better pray that you are good enough for him.
Sorry that you will always be living under my shadow.
After all the nasty shit that i say about him, at the end of the day only me and i can say shit to him.
Bitch you better pray that you will not be one of his exes like me, because when he is in love, he will make you feel like to luckiest happiest girl in the world.
but when the time comes and he decided to leave you, girl. you better prepare a gun, and kill yourself, because you will never recover from the pain.
unless you are like me, but of course, you will never be.
All in all, i will hate you no matter how nice you are.
most sincerely,
Yoke :)
Friday 14 April 2017
Anxiety
I've been having anxieties. Unease restless feeling.
This is bad.
real bad.
I will randomly feel the urge to call you, text you, rush over to you.
I will feel mad and pissed and feel like punching you.
I will feel depressed.
No matter how hard i tried to push the thought and feelings away.
It just wont go. Its like a cloud hovering over me.
comes and go as it wish.
I found 2 ways to actually calm myself down.
chewing gum and cigarettes.
This is bad, i really thought that i am over you.
I thought that life isn't that bad after all.
My friends and family are super supportive and caring.
But yet. I can't. I honestly can't do it anymore.
People are telling me do not show my weakness to the world doesn't seem possible.
You seems perfectly fine.
I mean, I can't stalk you or anything because your pussy ass blocked me everywhere.
But by the sound of it, you seems to be doing real good.
I sometimes wonder, what on earth got into you.
was my mistake that big of a deal. Do i even deserve all these?
How could you?
After you said you love me.
Love is such a strong word to you.
After you said I was your soul mate.
I really hope that we can somehow talk.
I need closure.
I need to feel better, i can't let myself drown in this pool of misery forever.
I have no idea how, but i somehow wish that fate brings us back again.
After all that you have done, i still want you back.
I may be pissed and angry, but i really do will love you.
This is so fucked up.
Why is this so hard? I mean come on, why?
why can't i be as happy as him?
Blocking me on social media doesn't mean that you can erase our past.
I pray that our memories haunt you till your last breath.
The weather this week was horrible thunder storms and heavy rain.
I wonder if you still remember that i hate thunder and lightning.
Remember when we were at Eagle Ranch Resort for our 2nd annual trip, if i am not mistaken, it was pouring rain that night.
We were in our tiny little teepe room.
The thunder woke both of us up, you hugged me so tight, cover my ears till i fell asleep.
Whenever we were on bike rides, you would hold my hand so close to you and kiss them when we sang.
You were always nice to me.
I really worry that no one can ever top that off.
I guess we show each other our worst and our best.
Or am i the one that is haunted by my own memories.
This is bad.
real bad.
I will randomly feel the urge to call you, text you, rush over to you.
I will feel mad and pissed and feel like punching you.
I will feel depressed.
No matter how hard i tried to push the thought and feelings away.
It just wont go. Its like a cloud hovering over me.
comes and go as it wish.
I found 2 ways to actually calm myself down.
chewing gum and cigarettes.
This is bad, i really thought that i am over you.
I thought that life isn't that bad after all.
My friends and family are super supportive and caring.
But yet. I can't. I honestly can't do it anymore.
People are telling me do not show my weakness to the world doesn't seem possible.
You seems perfectly fine.
I mean, I can't stalk you or anything because your pussy ass blocked me everywhere.
But by the sound of it, you seems to be doing real good.
I sometimes wonder, what on earth got into you.
was my mistake that big of a deal. Do i even deserve all these?
How could you?
After you said you love me.
Love is such a strong word to you.
After you said I was your soul mate.
I really hope that we can somehow talk.
I need closure.
I need to feel better, i can't let myself drown in this pool of misery forever.
I have no idea how, but i somehow wish that fate brings us back again.
After all that you have done, i still want you back.
I may be pissed and angry, but i really do will love you.
This is so fucked up.
Why is this so hard? I mean come on, why?
why can't i be as happy as him?
Blocking me on social media doesn't mean that you can erase our past.
I pray that our memories haunt you till your last breath.
The weather this week was horrible thunder storms and heavy rain.
I wonder if you still remember that i hate thunder and lightning.
Remember when we were at Eagle Ranch Resort for our 2nd annual trip, if i am not mistaken, it was pouring rain that night.
We were in our tiny little teepe room.
The thunder woke both of us up, you hugged me so tight, cover my ears till i fell asleep.
Whenever we were on bike rides, you would hold my hand so close to you and kiss them when we sang.
You were always nice to me.
I really worry that no one can ever top that off.
I guess we show each other our worst and our best.
Or am i the one that is haunted by my own memories.
Thursday 30 March 2017
Things you don't know
Things you don't know.
Despite everything that you know made you leave me.
There are tons of things that you don't know and will never know.
I doubt that you will even care anymore.
Things that you know
- leaving me makes you happy
- leaving me is letting a burden go
- leaving me is the best for you and only you.
- leaving me because you are tired and you never really love me
- leaving me because you gave up
- your ego is more important
Things that you don't know
- Me trying not to give up on life.
telling everyone and myself I am so much better
hoping that it helps
and today, yes today i realised i was never really getting better.
i was avoiding.
avoid feeling anything
avoid crying and being sad.
- i am lost, so lost that i don't know what to do, what i want with my life
- i feel so empty inside. and lonely
- i fake laugh a lot. because faking happiness is the only thing i can do now.
- i missed you a lot too.
- i think about us a lot, things that you said things that we did together
- every corner reminds me of you. of us and how we used to be.
- i lost hope in relationship and doubt that true love exist.
- i ate a lot, i drink, i started smoking a lot, i party just because it makes me forget about this pain
just for a few hours.
- i am trying so hard to be positive everyday just to feel better, just to survive through the day
- i thought i can be happy without you, i am really not sure now.
can i?
- pictures of other couple annoys the shit out of me.
- i am jealous, yes i am, i am jealous of my past.
- you, changed me fucked me up, fucked up my life.
- I still love you very much, and for a split second i wish you come back.
i really do.
- i wish you were dead, will it make me feel better?
- i wish i cheated of did bad things to you so i feel better that you left.
- i wish i was a controlling bitch and fuck up your life before you left, that would make me feel better.
- i doubt that there's anyone that will love me like you did.
So many things that you don't know.
What have you done?
Why did you do this to me?
What am i doing with my life.
How many prayers and wishes to make this pain go away?
How long will it take, for me to really live again?
It has been a while now since you left since we last met each other when is this going to end?
I don't think i can take it any longer.
I hate it when people say cliche things like
"you will feel better again, or you will find someone new that will appreciate and love you"
FUCK THAT.
seriously FUCK THAT
i know i wont.
i know it. i have used up all my luck.
it will never be the same again.
I know people that are reading this might think that i am stupid to waste
my time writing about an ass hole that will never read my blog or even care about me anymore but
bitches, this is my real emotions.
This is how i feel right now this very moment.
Judge as much as you want. I don't really give a fuck about my life, do you think i give about how you think of me?
- fuck off-
Despite everything that you know made you leave me.
There are tons of things that you don't know and will never know.
I doubt that you will even care anymore.
Things that you know
- leaving me makes you happy
- leaving me is letting a burden go
- leaving me is the best for you and only you.
- leaving me because you are tired and you never really love me
- leaving me because you gave up
- your ego is more important
Things that you don't know
- Me trying not to give up on life.
telling everyone and myself I am so much better
hoping that it helps
and today, yes today i realised i was never really getting better.
i was avoiding.
avoid feeling anything
avoid crying and being sad.
- i am lost, so lost that i don't know what to do, what i want with my life
- i feel so empty inside. and lonely
- i fake laugh a lot. because faking happiness is the only thing i can do now.
- i missed you a lot too.
- i think about us a lot, things that you said things that we did together
- every corner reminds me of you. of us and how we used to be.
- i lost hope in relationship and doubt that true love exist.
- i ate a lot, i drink, i started smoking a lot, i party just because it makes me forget about this pain
just for a few hours.
- i am trying so hard to be positive everyday just to feel better, just to survive through the day
- i thought i can be happy without you, i am really not sure now.
can i?
- pictures of other couple annoys the shit out of me.
- i am jealous, yes i am, i am jealous of my past.
- you, changed me fucked me up, fucked up my life.
- I still love you very much, and for a split second i wish you come back.
i really do.
- i wish you were dead, will it make me feel better?
- i wish i cheated of did bad things to you so i feel better that you left.
- i wish i was a controlling bitch and fuck up your life before you left, that would make me feel better.
- i doubt that there's anyone that will love me like you did.
So many things that you don't know.
What have you done?
Why did you do this to me?
What am i doing with my life.
How many prayers and wishes to make this pain go away?
How long will it take, for me to really live again?
It has been a while now since you left since we last met each other when is this going to end?
I don't think i can take it any longer.
I hate it when people say cliche things like
"you will feel better again, or you will find someone new that will appreciate and love you"
FUCK THAT.
seriously FUCK THAT
i know i wont.
i know it. i have used up all my luck.
it will never be the same again.
I know people that are reading this might think that i am stupid to waste
my time writing about an ass hole that will never read my blog or even care about me anymore but
bitches, this is my real emotions.
This is how i feel right now this very moment.
Judge as much as you want. I don't really give a fuck about my life, do you think i give about how you think of me?
- fuck off-
Saturday 25 March 2017
teach me please.
I always like to think our relationship is like Hannah and Adam in Girls.
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.
They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.
"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.
The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.
I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.
What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.
You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.
To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.
it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.
I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.
you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.
Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?
How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.
and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?
During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.
I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.
everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?
-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-
Adam is this crazy tall guy and Hanna is like me.
Our relationship is as dysfunctional like them, at the same time both were passionately crazy hopelessly in love.
they are like the fucked up version of us.
They broke up too. for some stupid reason.
Adam tried and is trying to move on.
well Hanna did, she tried but life just sucked her back into this Adam Hannah drama again and again.
"If it hurts, you will remember."
I am so drawn to broken people. I loved, love him because he is the way he is. Broken.
I don't know what fucked up mentality i have but this is just me.
The time when I looked back at old pictures of me.
back to the time when were we still together, I was happier.
Everything was better.
and i am talking about pictures of me, without him in it.
I can see it from the way i smiled and my eyes, my face full of happiness and content.
As though this world will never fail me.
My life is perfect with you in it.
The only time i feel perfect is when im with you.
I think i have done everything to move on.
parties. family vacations, meeting new people, starting a new hobby.
but. you are. still here.
figments of us lingers in the air around me.
What can i do?
I am stuck in time. in an era people will eventually forget.
that will not be recorded in any of their memories.
I wish you could stay right here.
You know sometimes, even looking at pictures of myself makes me want to cry.
Pictures that were taken before you left. pictures that was taken without you in it.
I just can't. as though as my eyes gave up on crying.
and my heart so broken, and it just gave up on everything.
my body ruined.
To be honest, our relationship was so perfect it scared me.
Yes, and when the truth reveals. It fucking hurts, imagine a million stars falling from the sky, beautiful but terrifying.
my wold is a burning hell.
it fucking hurts because i am one of your exes that we always talk about
i am just the girl that you gave up.
i am just the ex that never made it till the end.
i am the ex that we always laughed about.
i am the ex that i did not imagine that i am.
i am the ex that i did not want to be.
i never imagine i will be here. taking one of the spot in your fucked up book of exes.
I was living in my own fantasy, for a very long time.
I thought life will be perfect and it will forever be jayyoke.
you used to say "time is always jealous of us, because whenever we are together, time flies."
well i guess you are right, because now, it is just agonizing.
minutes felt like hours and days like months.
Someone told me i should learn to forgive and forget.
maybe i should.
So tell me God. how?
How can i forgive and forget and just ride through time like nothing happened.
Like what we had was just a really beautiful dream.
and here i am 2.40 in the morning. writing about us again.
when will i ever stop?
when i can get the spark and the smile back?
During my vacation to Taiwan, something hit me, like an epiphany.
I was living for you for the relationship.
its like my soul existed for yours,
its like i finally found you.
I can't live like that anymore.
I just can't.
I will start smiling for myself.
be happy and contented for myself and what i have without you.
everyone always say "you will get better one day"
it is so cliche that I dont know how to find "better"
should i just let time torture me until "better" finds me?
should i be glad that you are doing fine?
should i?
-The bed is getting cold. I am going to live for myself-
Sunday 19 March 2017
Someone New
I wonder if you have someone new that replaced me, like they all assumed.
I wonder if you have someone new does she make you happy?
does she knows all your secrets?
does she love music like we do?
does she cook you favorite food?
is she beautiful?
does she takes all your pain away?
I wonder if you have someone new, that is able to love you more than i do.
I wonder if both of you share the same inside jokes.
I wonder why are you such a coward.
Why do i need to go through your sister to know about you?
What this relationship meant to you?
You are such an ass hole.
I hate you.
I love you.
I am dying.
But i don't want to.
I am struggling to stay alive
to smile to be happy without you.
FUCK i know it is so useless to miss you. to think of you
BUT I CAN'T
HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT?
HOW.
OH GOD. Please teach me how, because I think I cant take it any longer.
Am i faking it all these while?
People said.
You must have found someone new, that's why it is easier.
People said
You really don't want this relationship anymore and dont want me back.
People said.
What about you?
All i really want is, to hear from you. word from your mouth.
All i really want is. I am so lost.
I really am. sucked into this pool of emotions and darkness.
No matter how many people i met. none of them. none can replace you.
You always feel like home to me.
at the end of the day I just want to go home to you.
I guess i am lost because i am homeless?
Will i ever find happiness?
Will i ever be loved again?
Will my heart feel complete again?
You heartless piece of shit.
I hope someone stabs you a million times on your heart to feel my pain.
At the end of the day, I can't deny, this is Karma.
and this is what i deserve.
So GOD if you are punishing me. You are doing hell of a great job
because i dont feel like a human being anymore.
Thanks. I know this is what i deserve.
just take my life. Oh, i dont think you will because it will be too easy for me right.
dying is a release for me.
living is torture.
This is what i have become.
I am no inspiration. I am no She Hulk I am no good example.
I just.
FUCK YOU JAY.
I wonder if you have someone new does she make you happy?
does she knows all your secrets?
does she love music like we do?
does she cook you favorite food?
is she beautiful?
does she takes all your pain away?
I wonder if you have someone new, that is able to love you more than i do.
I wonder if both of you share the same inside jokes.
I wonder why are you such a coward.
Why do i need to go through your sister to know about you?
What this relationship meant to you?
You are such an ass hole.
I hate you.
I love you.
I am dying.
But i don't want to.
I am struggling to stay alive
to smile to be happy without you.
FUCK i know it is so useless to miss you. to think of you
BUT I CAN'T
HOW THE HELL YOU DO IT?
HOW.
OH GOD. Please teach me how, because I think I cant take it any longer.
Am i faking it all these while?
People said.
You must have found someone new, that's why it is easier.
People said
You really don't want this relationship anymore and dont want me back.
People said.
What about you?
All i really want is, to hear from you. word from your mouth.
All i really want is. I am so lost.
I really am. sucked into this pool of emotions and darkness.
No matter how many people i met. none of them. none can replace you.
You always feel like home to me.
at the end of the day I just want to go home to you.
I guess i am lost because i am homeless?
Will i ever find happiness?
Will i ever be loved again?
Will my heart feel complete again?
You heartless piece of shit.
I hope someone stabs you a million times on your heart to feel my pain.
At the end of the day, I can't deny, this is Karma.
and this is what i deserve.
So GOD if you are punishing me. You are doing hell of a great job
because i dont feel like a human being anymore.
Thanks. I know this is what i deserve.
just take my life. Oh, i dont think you will because it will be too easy for me right.
dying is a release for me.
living is torture.
This is what i have become.
I am no inspiration. I am no She Hulk I am no good example.
I just.
FUCK YOU JAY.
Wednesday 1 March 2017
How are you?
How are you?
I really want to know.
How are you?
Do you still miss me.
How are you?
Life is great. I am loving every second of it.
My friends are God sent.
But. yes there will always be a but.
But whenever trouble makes it way to me.
You are all i think about, and what you used to say.
I wish you were here.
To tell me things that i need to hear.
I wish you were here to say that you are going to make everything OK.
I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you are going to make things better.
There is so much that i want to share but can't
I want to tell you how good life is.
I want to tell you how i have been and how strong i am.
I want to tell you good news bad news.
I want to share happy times sad times like we used to.
I want to go to the places we usually hang out.
I want you to tell me about your job and your friends.
I want you to tell your stupid jokes even they don't make any sense.
I want you to tell me how pretty i am.
I want you to tell me how much you need me because you had a bad day.
How are you?
Are you happy without me?
How is life treating you?
Is life better without me?
I don't miss you as much anymore.
only times like this when I need you.
I guess, you were always there when i needed you.
I guess you hugs are the only cure for me.
I don't think about us as much anymore
because there's no point thinking.
I don't wish for anything anymore.
because wishes, wishing well, eye lases, rainbows, even a million shooting stars
can't bring you back to love me.
How are you?
Do you miss our long night conversations?
I wish you were here.
How are you?
I really want to know.
How are you?
Do you still miss me.
How are you?
Life is great. I am loving every second of it.
My friends are God sent.
But. yes there will always be a but.
But whenever trouble makes it way to me.
You are all i think about, and what you used to say.
I wish you were here.
To tell me things that i need to hear.
I wish you were here to say that you are going to make everything OK.
I wish you were here to hug me and tell me you are going to make things better.
There is so much that i want to share but can't
I want to tell you how good life is.
I want to tell you how i have been and how strong i am.
I want to tell you good news bad news.
I want to share happy times sad times like we used to.
I want to go to the places we usually hang out.
I want you to tell me about your job and your friends.
I want you to tell your stupid jokes even they don't make any sense.
I want you to tell me how pretty i am.
I want you to tell me how much you need me because you had a bad day.
How are you?
Are you happy without me?
How is life treating you?
Is life better without me?
I don't miss you as much anymore.
only times like this when I need you.
I guess, you were always there when i needed you.
I guess you hugs are the only cure for me.
I don't think about us as much anymore
because there's no point thinking.
I don't wish for anything anymore.
because wishes, wishing well, eye lases, rainbows, even a million shooting stars
can't bring you back to love me.
How are you?
Do you miss our long night conversations?
I wish you were here.
How are you?
Tuesday 21 February 2017
Letting go
Its almost a month now after the break up.
I am proud to say that I am so much better and happier,
honestly.
I can't believe this is actually happening to me.
I thought that i will be miserable for a very long time.
Turns out, I am doing so much better.
You wont believe the amount of happiness that i am feeling right now.
All thanks to my family and friends. You guys are the best.
Oh ya, and that dick head for being cruel.
Yes he was so heartless and cruel, my feelings for him literally died.
My heart is not as empty anymore and it feels so good.
of course occasionally when our song comes up on the radio and i passed by places we used to hang out, it triggers memories. I still miss you, sometimes.
But at the end of the they they are just memories.
I can now smile and just waive it off.
I also know that no matter how much i loved you or missed you, you will still be you.
The heartless beast that you are.
I can even laugh and joke with my friends about how we used to be.
good times bad times. happy memories mostly.
I plan to stay this way.
I plan to be happy.
I plan to not miss us so much anymore.
I plan to get hold of my life again.
I plan to do great things like rescue all the kittens by myself.
I plan to watch movie alone without feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I plan to learn "How to be single"
I plan to let our past go.
Therefore letting everything that used to be us go.
How to let go?
It's simple.
I know I am completely at fault. I admit. I was the one that triggered this.
But I definitely DO NOT deserve this.
If you love me enough like you used to say,
you will no do this to us.
Whatever it is, it just made me realised that, I wouldn't wanna be with someone that dumped me
right after saying "I love you"
and yeah you can go fuck yourself too. :)
I am proud to say that I am so much better and happier,
honestly.
I can't believe this is actually happening to me.
I thought that i will be miserable for a very long time.
Turns out, I am doing so much better.
You wont believe the amount of happiness that i am feeling right now.
All thanks to my family and friends. You guys are the best.
Oh ya, and that dick head for being cruel.
Yes he was so heartless and cruel, my feelings for him literally died.
My heart is not as empty anymore and it feels so good.
of course occasionally when our song comes up on the radio and i passed by places we used to hang out, it triggers memories. I still miss you, sometimes.
But at the end of the they they are just memories.
I can now smile and just waive it off.
I also know that no matter how much i loved you or missed you, you will still be you.
The heartless beast that you are.
I can even laugh and joke with my friends about how we used to be.
good times bad times. happy memories mostly.
I plan to stay this way.
I plan to be happy.
I plan to not miss us so much anymore.
I plan to get hold of my life again.
I plan to do great things like rescue all the kittens by myself.
I plan to watch movie alone without feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I plan to learn "How to be single"
I plan to let our past go.
Therefore letting everything that used to be us go.
How to let go?
It's simple.
I know I am completely at fault. I admit. I was the one that triggered this.
But I definitely DO NOT deserve this.
If you love me enough like you used to say,
you will no do this to us.
Whatever it is, it just made me realised that, I wouldn't wanna be with someone that dumped me
right after saying "I love you"
and yeah you can go fuck yourself too. :)
Friday 17 February 2017
Getting Over
I don't know why but today seems harder.
I dream of us last night.
We were happy. I cant really remember what happened in the dream but we were so happy.
Today is not a very good day for me.
I miss you a lot.
I really do.
It is so hard to get over things.
I wish today can be better.
I miss talking to you.
telling you all the shits that happened at work.
I need to keep telling myself that you don't want me anymore and you don't care.
I need to keep reminding myself that you are not interested in anything that i told you.
And you dont love, never love me enough that's why you left.
No matter what you did for me.
No matter what you promised. You left.
No matter how many kittens we rescue. You left
No matter how many songs you wrote and sang for me. You left.
No matter how much you family and friends liked me. You left.
No matter how many fucking times you said "I wont leave you" YOU FUCKING LEFT!
I need to keep repeating everything in my head until i am tired.
until i am sick of myself.
How many times do i need to repeat to myself that you hate me now.
You are so much more happier without me.
Dont know why am i still writing about you.
its not like you will read my blog anyway.
I used to write good things about us.
You never appreciate me enough to read.
I wish i could hate you.
I wish i am as heartless like you so life can be easier.
You mean ass hole.
Get the fuck out of my head.
I dream of us last night.
We were happy. I cant really remember what happened in the dream but we were so happy.
Today is not a very good day for me.
I miss you a lot.
I really do.
It is so hard to get over things.
I wish today can be better.
I miss talking to you.
telling you all the shits that happened at work.
I need to keep telling myself that you don't want me anymore and you don't care.
I need to keep reminding myself that you are not interested in anything that i told you.
And you dont love, never love me enough that's why you left.
No matter what you did for me.
No matter what you promised. You left.
No matter how many kittens we rescue. You left
No matter how many songs you wrote and sang for me. You left.
No matter how much you family and friends liked me. You left.
No matter how many fucking times you said "I wont leave you" YOU FUCKING LEFT!
I need to keep repeating everything in my head until i am tired.
until i am sick of myself.
How many times do i need to repeat to myself that you hate me now.
You are so much more happier without me.
Dont know why am i still writing about you.
its not like you will read my blog anyway.
I used to write good things about us.
You never appreciate me enough to read.
I wish i could hate you.
I wish i am as heartless like you so life can be easier.
You mean ass hole.
Get the fuck out of my head.
Tuesday 14 February 2017
The Break Up
Happy Valentines Day people.
and yes you guessed it right.
I got dumped.
The love of my life (well used to be) dumped me.
After all the promises,
He said "I will not leave you."
He said "No matter what happens we will go through this together"
He said "If we break up I will not know how to love anymore"
He said...
So many promises and yet he left me. For good this time.
He left me so broken and helpless
He left be because of a small mistake i made
He left me even I can promise him the world.
He left me even we were so happy the day before.
He left me just because I needed something that he couldn't give me.
He left me just because I did not listen to him when he was trying to talk to me nicely.
He left for good.
This time for good.
I loved him with my heart and soul, i bet the whole world knows.
I loved each and every thing about him.
I love his flaws his kindness
his smile his stupid jokes.
I love the way we used to be.
I love him so much that I am willing to do anything.
We, i said we because i know both of us put or heart, tears, blood into this relationship.
Its like everything about us.
We nurture it, take care of it.
Occasional arguments, but we managed to solve it.
We were so happy last Sunday.
He promised he will make everything better again.
and yet, He left me.
It has been exactly a week now since the break up.
I regretted everything that i did.
and yes he made me feel like i am fully responsible for everything.
Not sure if i am blaming myself, but yes i caused this.
I thought he was the one.
I thought he will always come back to me.
not this time.
He seems determine and so, i will just let it be.
I did not cry as much.
My heart is so empty,
I feel like I am merely existing, a life with no goals.
We had a common goal, we were working so hard to achieve it.
I wouldn't say what we had was fake.
He loved me too, with all his heart, he changed for us. for a better future.
I am so proud of him.
I really am.
3 years. Gone. 3 years of promises and sacrifice.
3 years of having him with me all the time.
His Good Morning texts. His Good Night kisses.
Him.
as though we exists just for each other.
His name and mine fits like the perfect puzzle.
He was perfect.
Our happy times sad times.
Our songs and road trips.
The troubles we got into for being reckless.
He loved everything about me too, i wouldn't doubt that.
Actually, thank you Jay for the perfect Sundate.
Never thought that it would be our last date and last kiss last hug and last good bye.
I hope your decision is the best for both of us.
I always thought that you are the best boy friend a girl could ever ask for.
at least for me. again, you are perfect.
Our hands fit each other perfectly, your height, your smile the dimples at your back.
We shared our deepest darkest secrets.
We were a team. a pack.
I love when you can control the entire situation when i am about to have a melt down.
Thank you for the best 3 years. You have did enough.
I know nothing. no apologies can fix what i did.
How i wish that i have a time machine, if i could just turn back time.
But there's no use now.
It's final.
I kissed your mom hands, apologize that i can't take care of you anymore.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
I can't deny that it fucking hurts. I am just trying to go by each day without dying.
I wish you well.
JAY. Jay and Yoke.
singing off.
Good Bye, my love.
and yes you guessed it right.
I got dumped.
The love of my life (well used to be) dumped me.
After all the promises,
He said "I will not leave you."
He said "No matter what happens we will go through this together"
He said "If we break up I will not know how to love anymore"
He said...
So many promises and yet he left me. For good this time.
He left me so broken and helpless
He left be because of a small mistake i made
He left me even I can promise him the world.
He left me even we were so happy the day before.
He left me just because I needed something that he couldn't give me.
He left me just because I did not listen to him when he was trying to talk to me nicely.
He left for good.
This time for good.
I loved him with my heart and soul, i bet the whole world knows.
I loved each and every thing about him.
I love his flaws his kindness
his smile his stupid jokes.
I love the way we used to be.
I love him so much that I am willing to do anything.
We, i said we because i know both of us put or heart, tears, blood into this relationship.
Its like everything about us.
We nurture it, take care of it.
Occasional arguments, but we managed to solve it.
We were so happy last Sunday.
He promised he will make everything better again.
and yet, He left me.
It has been exactly a week now since the break up.
I regretted everything that i did.
and yes he made me feel like i am fully responsible for everything.
Not sure if i am blaming myself, but yes i caused this.
I thought he was the one.
I thought he will always come back to me.
not this time.
He seems determine and so, i will just let it be.
I did not cry as much.
My heart is so empty,
I feel like I am merely existing, a life with no goals.
We had a common goal, we were working so hard to achieve it.
I wouldn't say what we had was fake.
He loved me too, with all his heart, he changed for us. for a better future.
I am so proud of him.
I really am.
3 years. Gone. 3 years of promises and sacrifice.
3 years of having him with me all the time.
His Good Morning texts. His Good Night kisses.
Him.
as though we exists just for each other.
His name and mine fits like the perfect puzzle.
He was perfect.
Our happy times sad times.
Our songs and road trips.
The troubles we got into for being reckless.
He loved everything about me too, i wouldn't doubt that.
Actually, thank you Jay for the perfect Sundate.
Never thought that it would be our last date and last kiss last hug and last good bye.
I hope your decision is the best for both of us.
I always thought that you are the best boy friend a girl could ever ask for.
at least for me. again, you are perfect.
Our hands fit each other perfectly, your height, your smile the dimples at your back.
We shared our deepest darkest secrets.
We were a team. a pack.
I love when you can control the entire situation when i am about to have a melt down.
Thank you for the best 3 years. You have did enough.
I know nothing. no apologies can fix what i did.
How i wish that i have a time machine, if i could just turn back time.
But there's no use now.
It's final.
I kissed your mom hands, apologize that i can't take care of you anymore.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
I can't deny that it fucking hurts. I am just trying to go by each day without dying.
I wish you well.
JAY. Jay and Yoke.
singing off.
Good Bye, my love.
Monday 30 January 2017
January 2017
Ladies and Gentleman
I hope you are still out there reading posts from your favorite blogger.
Sorry that i missed almost half a year.
Time just catches up with you, just a puff of cigarette, and it's gone.
Beginning of 2017 was hell of a mess.
I, failed with my fitness routine, my weight my life goals and my relationship.
Good news is, i am awake from this made up world in my head.
You see, time, this funny thing, it is the key to destruction and also a tool to help you heal, learn realize and reflect.
will i be writing more bull shit stories of mine this year? only time. can tell.
So ladies and gentleman, new year is not about getting that new year dress or getting that new car.
I believe new year is about learning, reflecting and growth.
spiritually not so much for me. mentally maybe. physically oh hell no.
You know I told him that, since i met him. No other guys manage to steal my heart.
No matter what he did or what i did, as much as i hate to admit. he is not perfect.
neither am i.
but we are perfect for each other.
You know, rather than erasing everything i just wrote.
I think i should stop now.
I really know what the fuck am i doing with my life, but i can tell you, imma make it awesome.
-peace the fuck out-
I hope you are still out there reading posts from your favorite blogger.
Sorry that i missed almost half a year.
Time just catches up with you, just a puff of cigarette, and it's gone.
Beginning of 2017 was hell of a mess.
I, failed with my fitness routine, my weight my life goals and my relationship.
Good news is, i am awake from this made up world in my head.
You see, time, this funny thing, it is the key to destruction and also a tool to help you heal, learn realize and reflect.
will i be writing more bull shit stories of mine this year? only time. can tell.
So ladies and gentleman, new year is not about getting that new year dress or getting that new car.
I believe new year is about learning, reflecting and growth.
spiritually not so much for me. mentally maybe. physically oh hell no.
You know I told him that, since i met him. No other guys manage to steal my heart.
No matter what he did or what i did, as much as i hate to admit. he is not perfect.
neither am i.
but we are perfect for each other.
You know, rather than erasing everything i just wrote.
I think i should stop now.
I really know what the fuck am i doing with my life, but i can tell you, imma make it awesome.
-peace the fuck out-
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