I am FAT

I really shouldn't be doing this but. fuck it
just hope that my boss is not secretly reading my blog.
I used to blog at work during the dark times.

That is only during the dark times.
too much emotion.
too much work load. This is the only place that i can channel all my emotions where no one is gonna screw me because i talk too much.

so. We had this conversation last night.
about not going public about our relationship.
I am absolutely cool about not putting relationship status on facebook.
I am sometimes insecure.
Oh. no. I am an insecure bitch.
Things got pretty uncomfortable.
Yet we manage to put out the fire.
Good Job to both of us! :)

I honestly never ever thought that my body.
me being fat is an issue to anyone.
Like seriously? You ain't supermodel too you know. Who the fuck gives you the right to judge?
Just get over it.

and i had that same old nightmare again last night.
I hate getting dreams like that.
No. I shouldn't call it dream, it happened.
That night was real. So real that it hit me badly.
I am such a drama queen.
But seriously, It still haunts me every now and then.

So now, the temporary solution to avoid anyone getting hurt is to not be seen together.
Oh yes. can't believe I am doing this. guess i really am in love with this ass hole.
and because I know. our relationship is so much more than that.
So much more than being teased by stupid brainless people.
so much more. so why should we even consider what they say?
Why can't we take it as if they are farting or barking?
they are shallow.
you know you are so much more than that.
you are so much better.

And the mother of solution is me losing all these base.
yes. Losing weight. No matter how hard or how much i try.
I still come back to ground 0.
Lord knows I've tried.
Trying to be positive.
I am doing this for myself.
Yes. this is like my life goal.
Imagine meeting Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson.

you know. my friends are not as skin deep as yours.
but there are still so many things that i am being judge for
no, i am not going to point out your flaws because that is not what you are  made of.
It is because i know this relationship
it is because you are not what they think

and it is because i know you love me.


FOCUS. ACHIEVE. TARGET.
FAT.

Space and Time. Me.

I am living in my own world. Always was.

After what happened few months back, my life now is like a dream.

sometimes i doubt myself. Is this reality or am i hallucinating. 

Living between space and time.
Having you in my life is already almost impossible. 
You loving me is just beyond any words, any love letter, any love poem, any romantic comedy. 
None can describe the feelings that i have for you and never want to let go.

Well, all good thing comes with a price.
you, especially, A price I can barely afford. 

We know our problem. we know.
So today I will talk about this huge part of my life that i rarely want to admit to be a problem.
Honestly, I am a self absorbed person.
Yes I am. I feel that i am beautiful, yes there's nothing wrong with feeling beautiful.

There's just one huge problem. I am a very BIG girl. and by big i mean, my shoulders are freaking broad. and my legs skinny. 
My back fats (flabby and flabbo) and huge boobs, my body builder arms. My broad broad shoulders.
Basically my body is a upside down triangle. 

in short layman's term. I am fucking fat. 

So one day, I decided to feel skinny, to want to go support him on the field like any normal skinny girl friend would. Unfortunately, i was so happy in love i forgotten about other people's perception on me.
Then, he became the laughing stock. then he became the joke. then he got hurt. then i got hurt. 
In the end. we got hurt. i was frustrated. I was confused.
Then i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy all this while. 
He made me feel so confident and good about myself that i never thought other people's perception would hurt him so much.
I never thought that i would face this thing. this stupid childish shallow thing anymore.
only then, i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy land. 

Since that night, that confession, that unforgiving, undeniably cruel truth. 
I stop hanging out with his friends. we stop meeting his friends together,
then, during nights like this, i would feel so worthless. so ugly and horrible so sad so depressed.
monster that haunts me years and years ago, sucking away all my confidence and happiness 

But i understand, this doesn't mean that he don't love me. 
I can't be selfish and only think for myself, he don't deserve this shame.
being with me is like bringing shame to his reputation among his friends.
This is just cruel reality.

That was the price i had to pay. that was the price that i am struggling to pay.

Maybe not him. maybe if i were to fall in love with some random Chinese guy the same thing would happen.
This is just reality. 

I work hard. yes i do.
The process is long.
He said he will never be ok unless everyone's blind. 

Yes it hurts. every single word hurts.
it hurts even more when i knew he had to face his friends.
Their endless fat jokes.
Their endless shaming. 
His reputation.

This is the price i had to pay.
and yes. honestly. my heart is broken into thousand pieces. yes i am sad. and yes i cry every night before bed hoping that i was born skinny and pretty.

Yes this is all fucked up.
I feel like Quasimodo the hunch back of notro dame.

But I love him. He loves me.

there's nothing we can do.
no wonder for him, we are fragile.
for him this relationship will crumble anytime.
for him, he has no confident in this relationship. 


But i love him.

Love.





he wrote me a song. 

reality is just too complicated for a simple human like me.