Letter for Jay's new girlfriend

I met Jay yesterday, basically ambushed him at his work place.
I just wanted closure, to talk and to really understand the core of the breakup.
Or maybe I missed him and i really just want to meet him.

Now a days I can't tell what my heart and brain wants anymore.
Everything gone haywire.
I was lying too much to myself, I kept forcing myself to believe that I had moved on and I am happy.

Maybe I still am but, I think from now on, I am just going to acknowledge those feelings.
I am not going to hate myself for crying for myself,
I am not going to hate myself for missing Jay and the fact that we will never be together
I am not going to hate myself for letting the story of jayyoke ends.
I am going to tell myself that, whatever we had, ended. just like everything that stars, will end.

You know how it feels when your favorite TV series comes to an end but it is not the ending you wanted. Yup, that is exactly how i felt for the longest time.

I kept asking myself why why why. so many questions that i cant let go.
That's why i went to him yesterday, we did not fight or quarrel or beating each other up.
We talked, for a very short while and he was rushing back home.
Perhaps to his new girl.
so here it goes.

Dear Jay's new bitch,

Yes I am going to call you a bitch, because, you have him now and I know how loving this guy can be.
Of course i am fucking jealous.
anyways congratulations, you have his heart now. Oh bitch you better be careful.

Jay can be an ass hole sometimes. He is selfish, i dont blame him though, his fucked up childhood made him that way.
He can sometimes be heartless and cruel.
well he is to his exes.
so you better pray that you don't become one of them.

He craves love, and he will appreciate it if you love his music.
He love to be praised, he thinks he is super hot, which is not really not the case. well for me of course he is, tall dark and handsome and all.
He loves his dimples and his vampire tooth.
He used to love sports a lot. So push that mother fucker sometimes ok. force him to go work out. cuz i know he misses how fit he was.
He is very proud of his achievements as a gamer. people used to call him Legend. Bean Snakee whatever bullshit.

Oh and please don't stop him from hanging out with his friends at the cyber cafe. dont stop him from playing online games, because it is part of him.
He will really appreciate it if you give him his space.
because at the end of the day, he will always come back to you.

The down side of him is, he is still traumatized by this car accident he had when he was young, I am not sure if he owns a driving license by the time you read this.
But if he has, well, congratulations.

You know, I was the one that encouraged him to get a motor license. So if he is bringing you on bike rides without feeling guilty, all thanks to me. We have our very own secret hand shake. We were a team.
We used to hike up FIRM 4 times in a day.
Too bad if you aint fit. Try to beat that! Hah.

Please remember that he is allergic to seafood. No seafood for that fucker.
Oh ya and he has this skin rashes if he is too hot or if he goes to the gym.
His body will be super itchy and he will be fucking grumpy.
Just be patient and hold his hands, stop him from scratching and tell him everything is going to be alright and fucking rush him to the hospital.
He has this steroid cream with him to temporary stop his allergies, ask for the brand and go get it from the pharmacy.
I don't think it's cheap but bitch, i pray that you have money. hah!

I left a permanent mark on his leg, you can ask him about that :)
I have our initials tattooed at the back of my ear.

He love food. But, he can be very picky sometimes, he will only eat certain vegy. well that is up to you to explore.
He always drinks before he eat and will never drink during his meal, he will only drink after he finishes his food and he has this weird habit of dripping his drinks on all the plates after he finishes his food.
His mom told him murah rezeki.

Remember to text him good morning and good night everyday, because it is important to him.
Oh ya and don't forget the kisses emoji. You can't forget the kisses and hearts emoji. He loves them.

He loves karaok, so indulge him once a while, its a bonus if you have great voice, but if u don't doesn't matter, he wont mind.

Jay don't like conflicts. so if you have anything that you want to fight about, bitch you better shut the fuck up because he will end up leaving you.
He thinks that he is always right, even when he does something wrong, he will somehow blame you for it.
Like the time i found out he was texting another girl.
He said it was because we are always fighting and he needed someone to talk to.
FUCKING BULLSHIT.

You better be careful. he can be a mother fucking liar sometimes.

He is really hard working, so you don't need to worry about him slacking.

He loves kid. Oh ya, if he tells you that he wants to name his futur son Nasri, please remember we thought of this name together and that kid was suppose to be named Nasri Ong, and Nasrina Ong.
Burn bitch!
We rescued kittens together and had a cat name Daisy.
She was our 1st baby.

Oh and he hates promoters approaching him because like i said, he pussy, and he has issue with his self esteem, he hates rich people, so if you have rich friends, he will not, i repeat he will not join you guys, or he will be very reluctant.

You need to be really resourceful and good at managing things because you will need to be his Personal Assistant once in a while.
You better be good at organising shits. He need that.
He need people to help him with his resume, opening an online banking account for him, and things like that.

He can't handle anything.
He don't know how to make hotel reservations or any other reservations.
He can't plan any surprises because he will end up telling you everything that he is going to do for you.


He hates people forcing him doing things that he don't want to and he will always think for himself 1st.

He express love in a different way, he will do things for you scarifies his sleep for you if he really loves you.

We always have this annual trip. Bitch you better be good at planing, and please remind him to save his money in his second account, because i taught him that.

Just remember every good thing that you are enjoying now. Is because of me.
He used to be a technician wearing old dirty clothes to work and because of me,
he found a better job, wearing real smart to work everyday.
Me and him, we are the same. Just remember that he used to tell me
"no matter how far we go, or whatever happen to us, we will always come back to each other"
He told me that bitch but he left me anyway, so you better be careful.

He loves his mom, his mom is the coolest. I love her too.
Oh ya i met his entire family, including his aunts, and they gave me a malay name "Yuhanis"

His friends and family loves me, they can joke and laugh with me, so bitch you better step up your game.

He used to write me a song "Janji Jaga Cinta", i taught him his 1st Chinese song.
and all the English songs he is singing to you, he used to sing it to me too.
and i used to fall asleep on his lap while he was playing the guitar and singing.

Oh and if he tells you that, "no girls have ever done this to me or i love you" you better don't believe it completely because that is what the always say to me.

He told me i was the one. that he would fight for us and he would be like Shahrukhan and show my family that he can take care of me.
Well guess what, he gave up.

If he is bringing you to fancy place for dinner, you better pray that it wasn't the place me and him used to date.

He is stupid and forgetful sometimes, you just need to remind him and he will be fine.
He loves stopping by to watch busking and yes Bob sentuhan knows him and me.
Jay used to sing with him and sang me a song in public told everyone that i am his beloved.
Start getting jealous bitch.

Oh ya, he, will not. i repeat. will not have any plans for his or your birthday.
Good luck girl.
He do not know how to surprise you so, just live with that.
You will feel so shitty that you have a useless boyfriend that do not know how to plan your birthday.

He can be useless to sometimes, ya ask him about what happen with me and him at H1.
I bet he will not tell you.
Because he is. and will always be a coward.

Not sure if his new girl friend understands my English. Mana tahu girlfriend baru minah rempitz that can't read English just like him.
Or some school girl that still types L1K3 tH1$.
Or he got lucky and found a rich bitch, anyway. This is a letter for you bitch, in case you are stalking his ex.

I gotta tell you, in his heart, i will forever be, the one that got away. No matter how many times you ask him and how many times he deny.
I know him better than you do.
We grew up, went through shits.
He will always be comparing you to me, so you better pray that you are good enough for him.
Sorry that you will always be living under my shadow.

After all the nasty shit that i say about him, at the end of the day only me and i can say shit to him.

Bitch you better pray that you will not be one of his exes like me, because when he is in love, he will make you feel like to luckiest happiest girl in the world.

but when the time comes and he decided to leave you, girl. you better prepare a gun, and kill yourself, because you will never recover from the pain.
unless you are like me, but of course, you will never be.

All in all, i will hate you no matter how nice you are.

most sincerely,
Yoke :)

Anxiety

I've been having anxieties. Unease restless feeling.
This is bad.
real bad.

I will randomly feel the urge to call you, text you, rush over to you.
I will feel mad and pissed and feel like punching you.
I will feel depressed.
No matter how hard i tried to push the thought and feelings away.
It just wont go. Its like a cloud hovering over me.
comes and go as it wish.

I found 2 ways to actually calm myself down.
chewing gum and cigarettes.

This is bad, i really thought that i am over you.
I thought that life isn't that bad after all.
My friends and family are super supportive and caring.

But yet. I can't. I honestly can't do it anymore.

People are telling me do not show my weakness to the world doesn't seem possible.
You seems perfectly fine.
I mean, I can't stalk you or anything because your pussy ass blocked me everywhere.
But by the sound of it, you seems to be doing real good.

I sometimes wonder, what on earth got into you.
was my mistake that big of a deal. Do i even deserve all these?
How could you?

After you said you love me.
Love is such a strong word to you.

After you said I was your soul mate.

I really hope that we can somehow talk.
I need closure.
I need to feel better, i can't let myself drown in this pool of misery forever.

I have no idea how, but i somehow wish that fate brings us back again.

After all that you have done, i still want you back.
I may be pissed and angry, but i really do will love you.

This is so fucked up.

Why is this so hard? I mean come on, why?
why can't i be as happy as him?

Blocking me on social media doesn't mean that you can erase our past.
I pray that our memories haunt you till your last breath.

The weather this week was horrible thunder storms and heavy rain.
I wonder if you still remember that i hate thunder and lightning.

Remember when we were at Eagle Ranch Resort for our 2nd annual trip, if i am not mistaken, it was pouring rain that night.
We were in our tiny little teepe room.
The thunder woke both of us up, you hugged me so tight, cover my ears till i fell asleep.
Whenever we were on bike rides, you would hold my hand so close to you and kiss them when we sang.

You were always nice to me.

I really worry that no one can ever top that off.

I guess we show each other our worst and our best.

Or am i the one that is haunted by my own memories.