Pain

People always ask me if my piercings and tattoos hurt.
Truth is physical pain is nothing compared to the pain I am feeling in my heart every single day.
Every waking moment.
Every morning when i open my eyes. Its like death knocking on my door.
Sometimes even in my sleep, when the night decide to give me nightmares about him.

How am i going to be really ok?
am i ever going to be ok?
Everyone is telling me the same thing.
- you will find the perfect one
- there will always be someone better
- one day you will find your silver lining
- he is not the one for you
- forget him and move on

I doubt. How am i suppose to be ok when half of my soul was ripped away from me. The love of my life left me.
sometimes i feel like God is prohibiting me from being happy again.
I guess when I finally figure out God's plan I'd be too broken to function.
These games that he is playing.

You know, everything about Jay fits.
Both of us are the eldest, i love it when we are the same age, with 2 younger sisters.
Both sisters same age.
I loved every single detail about him.
All his flaws.
Especially those dimples on his back and all the scars on his legs.
The little mole below his right eye.
His cute little ears which one is bigger than the other.
The color of his skin and the way it felt on mine.
His long fingers and his stupid habit of biting his nails.
He will always keep the nail on his left thumb super long. He says it's for him to scratch his butt.
The scar on his knuckle same like his dad.
His chest just nice for me.
His height just nice for me.
everything just falls into place.

I love that he is not too hairy, just the way i like it.
His crooked teeth.
oily face with lots of blemishes.
His thick black hair.
The sound of his voice. Just nice for me. not too loud and not too soft.

If i were to list out all the little things that i love about him, this blog would probably be endless.

little things about him makes it so perfect.
Just the way i like it.

Everyone says I am too picky, I wonder am i being picky by knowing what I want and what i like?

I am trying so hard to tell myself I will get over you one day, but right now it seems like me, myself is having the hardest time believing it.

Sometimes i just wish, i will just go into a very deep sleep and never wake up again.
because when i wake up, everything is in replay.
heartache. me trying to hold back my tears. me trying not to think about him. me trying to get over him. me trying not to cry about every single thing.
everything is on repeat.
until i close my eyes.

the fact that he will never love me again, the pain that i need to face everyday to accept this cruel fact.
the fact that one day i will see him love another girl another whore another slut.

all his promises that i am trying to forget.

Yes, I know he is just a guy.
just a guy stole my heart and soul.
Yes, he is just a guy.
just a guy that i loved so dearly.

This world is so unfair.
when he is out there sleeping with another girl and i am here, suffering from the sins of my past.

Many of my friends told me that all good guys are not available anymore.
I know.
I am the left over, like a rotten apple, or expired milk.
stale meat.
no one wants broken things.

I don't wish to have the most perfect guy in the world.
all i need is, a guy that is perfect for me.

-I really wish that i can just sleep and never wake up to feel this pain again-

How long does it take?

Why am i still feeling like shit after this long.
I should be better
I should be happier.
But why am i still so sad.

My dad asked me:" How long do you need to get over him? 1 year 2 years or 10 years? He is out there enjoying his life, it is over. Other people get married 3 months after their wife passed away, and both of you are not even married."
He also asked me:" What about your life before him? You were fine without him for the last 20 years. Why does everything need to be about him now?"

Well dad, I don't know how long i need.
I really don't.
Who has the answer on how long does one need to mend their broken self back pieces by pieces.
I was only "fine" before him.
My answer to your questions - Have you ever been so in love with someone that you thought you could help, to pull him out of his misery, promised yourself you will not disappoint him like his dad and all his other exes.
Have you ever feel so connected to someone despite everything else.
When your eyes meet, you feel like there's only both of you.
Have you ever got your heart broken so bad, that doing everything and anythings seems to be useless?
That is my answer to your question.

Him, leaving me, makes me feel like I am a shitty person. like i am a piece of worthless shit.
I admit this must be Karma. The way i treated Faiz.
I must be a horrible person for this to happen to me.

Whenever I am around the places that we used to hang out, even in my car.
I feel so suffocated.
It feels so bad like the only way for me to feel better is to cut my heart out from my chest.

My friend told me that she only need few weeks to get over her ex, and start dating someone new.
Well, people. this is not happening now. Not at all.
Prince charming does not exist.
No one is hitting on me, texting me, not even going out with me.
All I can say is, I am not skinny, pretty, petite like all the girls that guys want to fuck.

I am just me a fat soul trying to love and accept herself after all these years.
After all these years, I am not the girl that is constantly hating on her body.
I am not constantly trying to fit in, or to get people to like me.
I am not the girl that begs for friends and attention anymore.
and I have grown to like to person I am today.
I fought so hard just to like myself a little bit more.
reality is. people do not like fat souls like me.
no matter how brilliant i can be or how crazy i am. just not the girl that you want to introduce to your friends.
I get it. I really do. Everyone loves nice and pretty things.
but the fact that to change who I am, to get "boyfriends" disgust me.

I still miss you a lot.
Whenever something big happen, or how tired i am because of work.
Everything about life just reminds me that I do not have you to text, i do not have you to call.
Everything about life just reminds me that you do not love me anymore.
maybe she or which ever whore out there with you now is good for you.
and i am better off alone.

No one is there to fill the empty black hole in my heart.
all i have left of us is our memories.
Our best memories are my worst nightmares.

"You have me" a simple text that was not meant for me, sent by a friend in a group whatsapp. For a split second, I thought I saw your name appear on my phone screen, telling me i still have you, or maybe in another dimension.
Not here. not reality.

You don't know how pathetic my life can be. you made the right choice. leaving me.
I think you did.

Irony is, you don't remember anything about us. I think you even forgot how to spell my name.
I bet if someone mention about me to you, you will just brush it off by some silly jokes. or just by ignoring them.

Silver lining?
I think my silver lining will be accepting that life is not a Disney movie, or fairy tales stories from my childhood.
Silver lining is me accepting I will never find true love because it doesn't exist.
truth is, I am so certain and sure that i will be living alone and that breaks my heart.
The fact that you will never text me or call me again.
The fact that this breakup is a relieve for you and a torture for me.
The fact that i will never see your face or feel your love again, kills me every day.

Honestly, I am already dead inside, there's nothing more to kill.
God, just leave me alone. Faiz is happily married now, i guess the Karma cycle is completed.


Please just stop this punishment.

What happiness mean to you?

You once told me real happiness come from simple little things.
Rich people, they may be rich but they are not happy.
They can have all the money in the world but they can never buy happiness, like what we had.

Walking in the park, vaping on the lake.
Taking in the evening sun.
You bringing me to explore things, you showed me so many.
You gave me hope, excitement.
You taught me simple happiness.
I was so ready to be with you, you showed me how our forever would look like.
You promised you would write a song for our wedding.
We would get married and have a simple happy life.
You told me you were ready.

You made me realized I wasn't really happy before us.
Don't get me wrong I am forever grateful for what my parents gave me.
But with him, it was different.
He showed me, not just to see things with my eyes but my heart.

and here i wish to tell you, I am still the same girl that did not, will not ever care about your status, education race or religion.
I loved your soul, it felt like i finally found the missing pair of sock, the lost hair tie, the bobby pins that i dropped.

I wish you loved mine.

How can someone this perfect, just left me to die.
You swear to the stars that you wont leave me, but you did, twice.

Is leaving me your happiness?
what does happiness really mean to you?

After you left, happiness followed.
I was beyond lost. It felt like i was blind folded, in a maze, forced to find the exit.

Time, i would say, helped.
I started to feel like i can be happy again.

When I was talking to my street friends, i realised that everyone came to the city, full of hope and dreams, sadly not all hopes and dreams can be granted by the city.

They became what they had to when the city fails them.

I love walking with a bunch of people around the city, on Wednesday night just to catch a glimpse of hope in their eyes when we talk to them.
Telling us their stories, hoping that one day someone can help them, or just to understand their decision.

He is also the reason i stopped reading, watching, romance books, movies.
because what i had with him was far better, it was real.

but you left.

-They said spring is the season for love, I wonder will I ever find love or will love ever find me?-

I guess not.

I hate you

Today, well part of today is not a really good day for me.
I hate days like this.
When trouble comes knocking on my door.
I would always want you with me.
all i need is just to tell you how horrible i felt.
how i need you to hug me and tell me it's fine and you are here.

Letting go is no easy journey, but i can feel like I am half way there.
I have happy days most of the time,
but when I am sad, like now, and today, i know i can and i will get through this.
dark clouds are not above me anymore.
I learn how to love myself more.
I did everything i could, travel, watch movies, hangout with friends.
I even stopped smoking.

But I sometimes blame God, or fate.
Why let our path cross if he is going to hurt me this bad?

Why even bother to love me Jay?
Why do you need to treat me like i am your everything and lock me out as you like?

Why even bother to say "I love you" the day before you decided to break up with me?
Just tell me you don't love me anymore and end it like a man.
Why do you need to make my life and other people's life difficult because of you?
You selfish ass hole!

I hate you Jay.
I hate all of our good and nice memories.
I hate how nice you were to me.
I hate how much I miss you is never going to bring jayyoke back.

I hate you Jay.
you dumb fuck.
you coward.
you heartless piece of shit.

I hate how you make me feel so in love and complete but shatter my whole world just by a whatsapp message.
I hate that you were never sad or scard to leave me. To destroy us.
I hate how you used to promise me, you will never ever let me go.
I hate how you used to say you will fight for us.
I hate you. I hate the way you make me feel when we hold hands and all the hugs and kisses, how we fit so well together.
I hate how you make me feel like you are my missing piece, my the other half my soulmate.

I hate how you make me feel like I will never meet anyone better.
I hate you when you run away from problems instead of solving it.
I hate the empty feeling on my ring finger where my favourite ring. My birthday ring. The ring you gave me in front of your mother used to be.

I hate it when i dont know what the fuck were you thinking when you told people "yoke ni lain, u xknal dia, you xthu mcm mne dia sayang i. Thats y tak kisah brape jauh kite prgi, brape teruk kite gaduh. At the end of the day we will still come back to each other."
What the fuck were you talking about?

I hate you Jay.
I hate how heartless you are. How i meant nothing to you.
I hate it when you said "I dah tak sayang you and you dah boleh cari yang lain"
I hate it when you can be so cruel and as if 3 years of us means nothing, as if i am just another girl another ex.
I hate you when you told me you knew i was the one, yet end up leaving me.
I hate it when you said you were so ready to start a family with me yet end up leaving me.

I hate the fact that I am just another one of your useless exes.
I hate the fact that you are going to tell your new girlfriend bad things about your past relationship just like you used to.
I hate you, i feel so unfair. I did not cheat, i did not do anything to hurt you this bad.
It is so unfair.
I hate that i loved you with my heart and soul.
I hate that i did not give up on us the 1st time you left.
I hate that i remember every single shit about you but you can erase them all.
Like the few times i rushed you to the hospital when your allergies attack.
When was always there for you. With you. Support you.
You dont remember anything.


I hate you Jay.
I hate the feeling when other people exes come back to them and i know no matter how much i cry or wish, you will never come back.
I hate you so much because of you i met the shittiest guys on fucking dating Apps.
I hate the way you treated me because now it seems like no one can ever make me feel so happy.

I hate the feeling of missing us, missing your texts and waiting for you to come get me.
I hate passing by each and every single place that we used to hang out.
Fuck I hate staying at home. I hate it when your house is right in front of my balcony.
I hate listening to songs that we used to sing and songs you sang just for me.

I hate you Jay.
whenever i pass by Jalan Genting Klang or Titiwangsa, i would always remember our evening bike rides.
when i would lift up the helmet, feeling the evening breeze across my face, and you would hold my hands and kiss them.
I miss those beautiful sun sets while riding on your bike and you would hold my hand and pull me closer.

I hate you.
I hate it whenever I write about things like this people would say i am not over you.
fact is i am trying my very best.
I don't think i have ever tried this hard to do anything.

I hate you Jay and the memories you gave me.
I hate you when you can heartlessly throw away the 365 notes I wrote to you on your 25th Birthday.
I hate you when I know you never read the apology letter I wrote to you after the break up.

I hate myself for loving you.
It is and will be the biggest mistake of my life.
I hate myself for trusting you so much.

I hate you Jay.
I hate that you never did appreciate me when i was always with you to support during your online competition.
you never appreciate the fact that your friends and i used to play CS together.
you never appreciate me willing to give up so many things for you.
I hate to remember the good thing your friends used to say about us.
I hate when i remember how happy we were with your family.

I hate you Jay.
I hate you when you never realize that you are childish and stupid.
I hate when you said "I bodoh sebab i pilih you"

I hate you Jay
sometimes i wish that you were dead.
I hate you.
all in all. I hate that life seems to be so unfair, when he can be the happy one and me here struggling each day to get better.

I hate that he is my Karma.
I hate your name. I hate how perfect we used to be.
I hate you.
I really wish you never exist.

Jay, kalau nak sangat tukar number tu, baik tukar rumah, tukar IC sekali.
Tukar alamat ke, tukar jantina lagi bagus.
You are so fucked up.
I hate i dont know when would i ever stop writing about you.
I hate you, you balless ass hole.

-Boleh Pergi Mampus-