Stranded

I feel stranded on an island. 

for my whole life I have been this indecisive person.

for my whole life, i rarely make major decisions. 

for my whole life, i just listen and accept.

for my whole life i have been rebellious for no certain reasons. 

What am i fighting for?

why do i rebel if it is me that chose to listen and follow?

I don't blame anyone.

for i am the one doing the listening and following.

I am my own doom. 

when life stretches you until you can't be stretched there are only 2 choices. 

1. you bounce straight back and hit that mafaker in the face.

2. you break.

I broke down. because i am weak. 

I thought i would be happy living in the city,

driving my own car

having a so called "career" 

and parents would be so proud talking about their eldest because she is working in the city.

and that she can manage her own life.

unfortunately, I am always a small town girl.

always the sweaty awkward fat girl standing in the middle of a cross road.

indecisive.

the city overwhelmed me. 

I can't take the pressure of doing shit that i hate.

every single fucking day, waking up to a job that was per arranged. 

waking up thinking what did i get myself into?

driving to work, into that shit hole. 

I am so not happy with life. I am really unhappy.

i am so unhappy that i cry a lot.

and crying is nonsense. 

and crying for no reason is also nonsense.

crying, having tears streaming down is nonsense.

My father thinks that I am ungrateful.

he himself suffered for 29 years of having a job that he dislike. 

He said, at least it pays the rent and put food on the table.

a job that eats him up for 29 years raised 3 of us.

he said this is life.

but i believe, there's always a choice. 

i can be happy working  and still earn the same amount of money.

I can still pay rents and feed myself.

and i can be happy.

all I've been doing is accepting.

accepting that this is life.

that this is how it is.

sounded just like someone that i used to love.

accepting his imperfections.

but i chose not. 

a relationship is not about accepting imperfections and tolerating.

a relationship, for me at least, is loving each others imperfection.

you've got to love their imperfections. 

because, how much can you accept in a life time?

so here i am, stranded.

I should have stand firm

stay strong 

keep believing in my dreams.

that there will be a place that i belong.  

I am in a state where i don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to quit and withdraw myself for everything.

Just let me go.

I miss the ocean.

24 years of breathing fresh ocean air.

24 years of waking up to the sea.

I miss it all.

I have had my fun in the city, the day trip is over, time for me to go home. 

My sister thinks that this is bull shit and i am stupid for saying all this.

no one understands.

I just need to find a place where i belong. 

come take me away. to a place where dreams exist. 

run away from the cruel reality.

-I have got to stay firm, because this time, i will run.-

 

 

   

Cages

For some reasons I love the images of birds.
I have 3 little birdies tattooed on my wrist
and i plan to tattoo wings on my ankles and a huge pair on my back.

I sometimes feel like a bird, suck in a cage.
Even when I am out of the cage,
my legs are always tied to an invincible unbreakable chain.
The further i go the longer the chain gets.
I will never truly feel free.

My urge for freedom is so strong even just a short bike ride in the city, middle of the night with no helmets on, i would spread my hands wide just to feel the sharp wind cutting through my cheeks and my hair.

I just want to run free with no strings attached.
I want to feel and taste and explore adventures.
to see things, to really live a life
what is life if the sole purpose of living is only to earn more money?
what is adventures when only luxurious things can satisfy our lust?
what is living if only a branded handbag or a designer watch, huge cars and houses can make us happy?

Happiness for me is just waking up early enough to look at the sun rise and the clouds turn red
or even a full moon, lying on the grass looking up at the galaxy of stars.
feeling the evening breeze. walking hand in hand with you listening to your silly jokes. and when the evening sun shines on your face.

All i wanted is to be out from this reality cage.
we are all putting ourselves in cages.
trapping ourselves to categories, fact is we are all the same.
We are all equal.
we are influenced so much by reality when we forget what is truly beautiful.
we forget what is simple happiness.
The reality and rules that we set, to restrain ourselves.


I am not hungry for money.
I am hungry for adventures.
The universe is infinite, why trap ourselves?

No matter how hard i try to run. I am just a nameless blogger. writing her dreams away.

side note: don't get me wrong, i am not saying that we should break the rules to do illegal things. What i meant is, there's so much more out there in the world than lusting for a branded handbag, so much more than trying to fulfill the society wants
so much more than a 9 to 6 job in a lifeless office..
so much more than to get stuck in the jam every single bloody day.

All i want is to break free from the invincible cages.