Walls

Have you ever feel that you never belong to this world.

This world that you are living in.

This world that you can't fit it. 

This world that I never belong to.

This world that spins clockwise.

This world that works only based on labels, judgement, status. 

What are we?

Have you ever sit down and ask yourself. 

What are we?

Have you ever ignore the voices of the world and just listen to the voice of your heart that has been screaming just hoping that you would listen. 

Have you ever truly listen and stop making assumptions and judgments?  

Have you ever truly listen to the stories of our ancestors?

Do you truly understand?  

Have you ever wonder what made us all different?

This wall that we put up.

Is this stupid ignorant wall that we, ourselves put up, to categories, to separate, to divide and conquer.

The universe is limitless. It is infinite. 

Yet we are so small. So small that we are stuck in our own mind.

So narrow that we keep building walls between us inside of us. 

The separation the rich the poor. Religions and races. 

life is complex, 

why must we limit ourselves to labels, expectations that others put on to us? 

What matter most? 

Have you ever ask yourself what is wrong with the society? 

Who made "society"? 

Have you ever ask yourself who are you living for if it's not for yourself?

Have you ever really think about a world with no "walls"?

What would it be like when everyone is the same.

Have you ever ask yourself what is so different?

If I cut his hand and her hand and their hands. What is so different?

The color of our blood is the same.

There's no different.

We are all born the same. with a heart that beats for itself. 

We feel hate 

we feel hurt

we feel agony

we feel happy

we feel life. 

we feel feelings.

So why must there be a wall? What are we trying to separate? Why are we destroying our own kind?

You have a choice to go against the green. 

If not now when?

If not me who?

You have a choice to change for a better future.

You have a choice to live a better life. 

You have a voice. 

You are more.

You are more than just a Chinese, a Malay an Indian. 

We are more than just a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Christian.

You are more than just thin, fat, tall, short, ugly, pretty. 

we are more than just poor and rich.

We are so much more than just race and religions, faces and status.

Together we can do wonder. 

Human unite. 

-you are even more than what you may think- 

Weekend Getaway

I love road trips.
I love driving to new places.

So I went to Sekinchan.

Sekinchan is somewhere near Kuala Selangor, about 1 and a half hour drive from Kuala Lumpur.
I drove down with few of my girls, to visit an old friend.

I have never been to that side of Selangor.
Away from the city.
Away from traffic and polluted air.
Away from responsibilities.
My weekend getaway.

Sekinchan is basically a small town. Where they have both beaches and also paddy fields.
Seafood there is exquisite.
I grow up all my life eating seafood, and yes the seafood there taste like home.
I remembered reaching my friend place and the first thing I felt when i got out from my car was the wind.
Oh the salty sea breeze.
I can feel it flow through my hair and my nostrils.
My first breath there was already welcoming.

We went on a fire fly river cruise.
The atmosphere was peaceful. with crickets singing and mosquitoes sucking our blood.
Everyone on the boat was quiet in pitch black anticipating, watching the fire flies flicking their lights on trees.
Trees along the river sparkled like Christmas trees.
Like stars on the milky way.
I once again realised that beautiful things don't last long.
All the fire flies that were dancing the night away will be all gone in the morning.

Of course we went for food hunting.
Tried various types of seafood and the biggest satay stick ever.
and the night end when we cuddle to bed.

The next day was fun.
Woke up late.
Went to a seafood place that was awfully packed. Worth the wait tho.
After the feed.
The adventure begins.
We went to the beach.
It's funny when the name of the beach reminds me so much about Terengganu. "Pantai Redang"
Unfortunately.
The beach was filthy. A bit of disappointment.

Lucky my dear friend safe the best for the last.
She brought us to the paddy fields just few km away from the congested beach. The beach was definitely a let down compared to the paddy fields.
I guess my vocab is just insufficient to describe the paddy fields.
The sky connects with the golden field.
Good that I took tons of pictures there.
Got a few good shots.
I even tried eating grains.
Tho my friends think that I am crazy for doing that. But who cares.
We ran like little kids. Chasing each other, laughing and screaming.

This makes me wonder.
Why can't we just stay here.
Yes, this exact moment.
Why do we need to pack our bag and head back to the city at the end of the day?
How can it be so different? Sekinchan is only about 20 - 30km away from the city. How can they be so different?

So. the sun sets. and it ended my weekend getaway.
I seldom write about my trips.
but i guess, this trip is worth writing about.

-till we meet again,- 

 

What would happen if we broke up

After a series of chaos and drama in my life.

It has come to a point where my mother wants to meet him.

we don't know what is the outcome. 

I can't even predict. So i will think the worst of it. 

What would happen if we broke up.

1. I will probably be depressed as fuck. 0 self esteem.

2. Lost all my appetite. 

3. I would probably hate everyone around me. Blaming everyone for the breakup. Other people in my life would probably be happy. This is what they want, and this is the sacrifice they want. 

4. I wont smile anymore.

5. I will spend most of my time hiding in my room.

6. I will probably cry my eyes out.

7. I will just waste life away.

8. I will probably cling onto the things that he given me.

9. Probably need to force myself to delete all our pictures and videos of him. 

10. I will talk way lesser. 

11. Probably will think of committing suicide but will change my mind because it is a stupid idea. (or maybe i will do it. Who knows?) 

12.   I will be crying to every single song we sang together.

13. Lots and lots of crying

14. Life will be empty.

15. My phone will be so quiet. 

16. I will probably write more blog post. 

17. Maybe get myself a cat. 

18. Still hating everyone tho. 

19. probably dying from starvation and starting to eat more than usual. 

20. I will probably be like a zombie. 

21. Driving in my car is a torture.

22. Waking up every morning thinking to give him the usual morning call but i probably shouldn't. 

23. hating myself for myself. 

24. I will probably be single with 10 cats.

25. I will start talking to myself.

26. Sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. 

27. life is a living hell

28. I will run away. Yes, just run away. 

29. Run away to a place so far where nobody can reach me and control my feelings.

30. or i will just stay and function like a robot, so that everyone is happy for my sacrifice. 

31. Maybe i will just waste life away. or quit my job or move away.

32. I think breathing will also be difficult for me. 

33. you will slowly see the light in me fade away. 

34. It has come to point where there's no use hating people, and people getting sick of me being depressed.

35. I probably should go seek help. 

36. or i will give up my basic human rights and just let them arrange everything. 

37. everything will probably be black and dull.

38. still hating people. and maybe don't believe in love anymore. 

39. Start to have doubt in everything.

40. clueless.  

I can't think of anything positive to write. not a single one. 

What is so wrong about being in love with the person i love?

What is so wrong about being in love with a Malay guy?

Money is important, why don't you trust us that we can build our future together?

If religion is something good why would it affect my relationship with my family? 

If there's a God somewhere, and God is Love. why are we suffering from this?

Suffering just because we fell in love. 

Everyone is telling me what to do and how to feel.
How can you tell a person how to feel?
The way they say it is so easy as tho i have no feeling of hurt.
The way they say it is as tho i never loved him and our love is cheap.
The way they say go chase your dreams. Is as tho he is not part of my dream.
They way they don't make him your source of happiness as tho they have never been in love.

Talk is cheap. You are not me. You will never know how i feel. how i see things.
Yes, i love getting advice and love from other people.
at the end of the day, do you really know how i feel?

You may say I am stupid I am dumb a dreamer unrealistic. If love is a joke. Why do we even love? Why am i feeling things? or am i delusional? Why it hurts so bad. so bad to let him go? As if it is sucking every single piece of life out of me. 

I am not a demanding person. I just wan't to be with the guy i adore and love. 

What is so wrong when i know he loves me back too. 

If you say i am stupid to make him part of my life, you probably haven't been in love before.

If you say that I have my family and I should sacrifice for them, then why do we have feelings?

Why do we need to find life partners and fall in love?

If you say that i am desperate and useless and I can't live without a man, why God created  Man and Woman? 

  

-Who gives who the right to say he is not the right one for me?-