A letter to my late grandma

Dear mama,

I miss you. I really miss you.
Sometimes i wonder if God purposely keep all the best people with him in heaven.

I am not sure if there really is Heaven and Hell, but i know you are in a better place.
Happier at least.

I wish you were here.
I wish you can take away all these pain, my heart break and misery.

I wish i had more time with you.
When you passed away I was too young to understand.
I was only 7.
7 years with you is not enough mama.
I miss your cooking a lot.

I hope you are looking over us. I hope you, chor chor and chor chor hong kee is looking over our family.
I can't help but wish you were here at times.
I can't help but feel you are the only one that will understand me best.

I miss going to the beach with you pretending to be little mermaid.
I really miss you calling me "anak bertuah"
I miss playing dress up with you.
I miss you combing my hair.
Make sure that I have more than enough food.
You used to back me up all the time when daddy and ma were angry at me.

So many unanswered questions.
How life would be if you are still here.

I wish you can come into my dreams, tell me I am going to be fine and everything I am feeling right now is temporary, that i will really find my prince charming.
Tell me miracles exists and I am right to believe them.
Tell me not to lose hope in life and I am special.
Tell me I am not easily replaced and I make an impression.
Tell me you will always be with me.
Tell me you will chase away all my bad dreams and they are just dreams.



I miss you mama.
19 years passed and i still miss you more than ever.
are we ever going to meet again?

I forgive you Jay

I forgive you even you blocked me out from your life.
I forgive you even you did not ask for it.
I forgive you even you dumped me via WhatsApp.
I forgive you.

I forgive you when you can be so happily in love with another girl knowing that I am still out here hurting.
I forgive you even you are a heartless monster.
I forgive you even memories of us will haunt me for a very long time.
I forgive you.

I forgive you even I was just an experiment for you.
I forgive you even you never really loved me before.
I forgive you even every single memory of us hurts me till this day.
I forgive you.

I forgive you even you never had the balls to talk to me and clear things up
I forgive you even you make it your sister's responsibility to give everything back to me.
I forgive you even you left me without a single regret.
I forgive you.

I forgive you for all my tears, and me crying myself to sleep every night.
I forgive you for destroying the future that we could have.
I forgive you for not feeling a thing about what ever happened to me, as if I am nothing to you.
I forgive you

I forgive you for crushing my heart and soul.
I forgive you for all the broken promises. Sembang, name pun sembang, sembang kosong.
I forgive you for all the sleepless nights and all my anxiety attacks because of what you did.
I forgive you.

I forgive you, not to make you feel better. I am doing this for myself.
I am tired of hating you, hating her. Hating both of you.
nothing is going to change.
This world is just so unfair.
I accept that this is what I deserve.
I just want to be free and happy.

I forgive myself too for making the biggest mistake of my life.
I should have left when I saw her WhatsApp on your phone.
1 January 2017.

Maybe your dad really fucked you up.
People like you, deserve happiness too.
Maybe she has something that I don't have.
Well, congratulations. I hope she is your happiness.

What you did was so wrong. You could have done it in a different way.
Maybe next time, try to think about how other people feel, rather than yourself.
Grow up Jay.

Anyways, Thank you for the life lesson.
Thank you for showing me the meaning of "true love", "sayang", "no matter how far we go, we will still come back to each other", "you are the one for me", "I will fight for our future".
Thank you for all your bull shit.
Thank you for showing me how ugly your new babes, sayang, baby, awek, girlfriend is.
Lawak la Jay. You are so funny.

honestly I miss everything about us but, not even God can change your heart.
I wonder do you even have a heart.
I wonder if you miss Daisy and all the kittens.
Oh, you nyanyok. No wonder.


-Muhammad Nazir Awang Alias. I forgive you, not for you but for myself.-

Why am I still sad?

You know despite realising that he was just temporary in my life,
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.

It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.

It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.

Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.

Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.

I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.

Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.

as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.

Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.

I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.

I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.

I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?

well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-