Why am I still sad?

You know despite realising that he was just temporary in my life,
I still can't stop feeling sad.
I kept asking myself why. oh why.
and one day when I was watching Kingsman.
it hits me.
Even though one day you were to come back,
apologize, cry, break down.
It really doesn't make any difference.
seems obvious that we are not getting back.
Life would still be the same for me.
you single-handedly destroyed, whatever we had.

It's really not about you leaving any more really.
I couldn't care less about you leaving or fucking a new hijabster or she sucking your micro penis.

It's like i thought i had it all.
You know, something to look forward to in life.
a goal to work towards.
Us having a family.
You playing the guitar singing with the kids,
family jam sessions.
Me waking up at the sound of the piano.

Having a cute little family and 2 cats.
Seems like I will have it all.

Oh and the beautiful beach wedding that we talked about and how you would write a song for our wedding.
It was like we had it all, life was so perfect, us side by side trying to conquer the world.
Now, it's all gone.

I really don't know how to help myself.
I want to walk out of this so bad.
I wish someone could guide me out.
I was so desperate I even talked to my mom.

Unfortunately, dad was her first love, so i guess not much experience on heart breaks.
how i wish i could just move on like how they wanted me to.
they make it sound so easy.
how i wish i have ambitions rather than just wanting to start a cute family.
I just need your guidance, not you judging me mom, dad.
I am tired, i really am.
and please stop talking about my weight and all the other bull shit that got nothing to do with this.
I have issues. Yes mom. I really do.
how to pull me out from it?
not even God can help me.

as stupid as it sounds, at that time i felt like we were so ready.
the only thing stopping us was money and you would convince my parents.
it was stupid for me to have too much faith in you.
i gave my heart to the wrong boy.
i trusted him.
he fucking crushed it, stepped on it, spit on it and feed it to the hyenas.

Oh lord I don't know how to walk out from this darkness.
How to solve this?
by letting my dreams die?
well, then there's really nothing to look forward to in life.

I know life is wonderful and all that bull shit.
but imagine, the only thing i wake up to these days is work, friends and
netfilx.

I am so lost, i don't have any plans.
i have nothing to look forward to.
the only reason that i go home after work is because of my bed and my laptop.
please don't tell me to go work out at the gym.
i am tired and really do not want that now.

I am sorry, i realise that i have the best sisters in the world.
nothing can compare to them,
but, they are my sisters you know.
sisters.
how to get my shit together?
how?

well, that's it.
nothing much to say.
-i still wish you can just die.-