Hello there :)
I know, I am slacking again. My last update was back in Terenganu.
To my own defense I was surprisingly occupied, I was out every single day after work seeing friends, accepting love and east coast hospitality.
My dear friend from high school took me out on a bike ride. Good Lord, the last time I was on a bike was in my 20s with Jay. Anyways, my friend, Hazman was kind enough to entertain my impulse, we were crusing by the beach and spent the whole night catching up while listening to the waves.
My night catching up with Hazman is not the main point of this post. I guess, I will start with how i got out from my self pitty, depression loop.
I was not well, mentally for years after what happened with Jay. I hated what he did to me, at the same time, I hated myself too, I felt ugly and unloved and unwanted. I hated myself so much that whenever I look at my own reflection, I fucking cussed. I cussed at my own reflection, at my life, I felt like a fucking looser. He single handedly crushed the little self esteem that I have.
I was constantly having suicidal thoughts, every single place that Jay and I used to hangout triggered me. Every songs and movies, the simplest things triggered me. All I can do was, lying on my bed crying. I mentally checked out. My friends tried to help me but I guess, the idea of living life on my own without Jay did not make sense. It just did not click in my head.
My parents tried their best, but they, well, they are not emotion savy. All they can and will say is "move on" "get over it". That did not help.
I was partying a lot, smoking a lot, self harming, drinking and seeing a lot of dicks, everything was too much and too quick. I remembered back when I used to cringed at people that find solace in drugs alcohol and sex but when I was in it, I said to myself "yeah, I get it now, I guess this is life innit." I felt God had a personal vendetta against me.
I asked myself a lot, is this all happening because of what I did to Faiz? How I broke his heart, and so, I was constantly spiralling, I did not take care of how i look, how i smelled, how people see me. I just let myself go to the deepest depression trench that I ironically dug for myself and that lead up to me quitting my 1st corporate job. I told my dad, I couldn't take it anymore, staying the the city, everything fucking stifles me, My dad, that poor man had no choice but to let me move back home.
I moved back to Terengganu having nothing with me. No money, no carrer, the only thing I had was my fat ass and maybe my tiny little intention to be happy again. At this point in life, waking up in the morning was meaningless, I was just floating through life, just existing because I did not have the gut to end myself.
I wish this was the end of mid 20s Yii found herself at the beach or reenact Eat, Love, Pray but it wasn't how life went. I did a lot of swimming and walking, got tanned, sort of. Helping my parents a little when I wasn't busy crying. I was out every night for the 4 months there, hanging out with bunch of local boys, getting high getting no where, no progress in life.
4 month passed and my parents being parents are not willing to support me financially anymore and I was running out of money too, So, my dad decided that I should go back to the city I hated. I was fortunate enough to score myself an alright position at a very reputable company with decent pay.
I was doing a little bit better, things that used to trigger me were not as scary anymore. I was able to not hate myself so much but the saga continues. I was busy swipping on all the dating apps under the sun, seeing dicks and clinging on to loosers for their validation. At the time I thought that my self worth was based on the numbers of dicks that I see. It was a lot, I was being messy again.
Work was not ideal, I was alright, my performance was barely scraping by, coupled with the existing dark cloud that looms around me. I was still cutting myself, more so when I tried my best but it really was not working out for me.
Maybe it was my guarding angel or "maturing" or tinki but I rememebered stumbling on a self help video one day, about self concept on youtube, I couldn't stop, I thought maybe i found a way out this time. I genuinely wanted to be better, happier, know myself and truly love myself. I started listening to more podcasts, I stopped seeing dicks, I was boysober for a year!
Maybe it was also guilt, I feel guilty that my friends and parents love me so much and I wasn't able to love them back the same, I felt empty inside, like I have nothing in me to give. So I tried really hard, event went to a therapist, that, did not help, bitch asked me to take weight loss pills, as if loosing weight is going to solve all my problems. Oh, She was fucking racist too. I was there for 3 sessions and fucking hell it was horrible.
Tho in my whole "pitty me the whole world hates me" phase, I guess deep down, I wasn't the person that the heart break made me. I hated being defined by my circumstances, so I tried a million ways to feel better about myself again, I can't believe I am writing this to past Yii but, that you for not giving up.
It's funny how everything changed when i started shifting my perspectives. I started working out again, eat healthy. Something in my head just clicked. It was like the century long rain has finally stopped, I felt lighter, things around me are brighter. I started appreciating little things, like rainbows or good food. I also made new friends, my girls, my boys. I started to find love in every little thing that I do, in nature, I meditate, read words of affirmations.
Then the pandemic started, it was the best time for me, beacause I thrived, I even learnt skateboaring, teenage Yii would have flipped! I have always wanted to skate. One day I just bought myself a cruiser board and do most of my learning on youtube and fucking skated through the pandemic. I was healing. Finally.
It was fun but lonely too, so I deceided to get back on dating apps again. 1 year of just focusing on myself, of being boysober. I met Aqil.
I think this is where I will end this part of the blog. During Aqil, it was a whole new whirlwind of love, adventures and lessons.
If you made it to this part of my blog, thank you. Obviously, this is a very brief summary of what hapened, putting all my dark ages in one single post is impossible, but I think I've poseted enough sad stuff here.
I dare not promise on when I'll be posting next but, I will.
- tonight was fun and I missed blogging-
