monsters.

The temperature of the air tonight feels oddly familiar.
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.

That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.

I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.

It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?

I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.

Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.

This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.

It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.

I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?

It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.

I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,

-I guess, I still can' stop missing you- 

truth hurts.

I was talking to a good friend of mine about God and that everything happens for a reason.
We were jokingly talking about how life would be if she was still single and the break up happened months before she got engaged.

Both of us decided that, things are best the way they are now.
If she was still single, right now this moment, the world would be ours.
Just you and me girl, taking over all the clubs and bars and men. causing chaos.
Fortunately, things are more subtle now. which is good.
She is happily married with a child. God bless their little family.

I was telling her that I wish God would show me a sign why did this happen to me.
Why did Jay left me, so abruptly.

You know, people always say, the truth hurts. This time, it punctured the wound in me.
"Don't you see? God doesn't want you to stay with lelaki yang sebenar- benarnya tak sayang kau and relationship kau like you do."

Honestly it hurts. but it is the truth.
Truth is cruel even, no matter how much I loved him, he still did not, will not love me back.
She is so right.

He knows me, well.
Well enough, but still left me.
If he really loved me like he said.
He wouldn't have done this to me.

The last words he said was basically, he doesn't care what i did even if i killed myself. It's none of his business anymore.

The thing that hurts the most is, I wasn't what he wanted at all. I was just an experiment.
He is with a tudung girl now.
Probably his future wife.
We all know the reason for him to pick her is because he thinks that I am no wife material.
Typical Malay much?

Sometimes I need to remind myself that.
Jay, budak flat. Pemikiran cetek.
I can't really expect much from a budak flat that is not educated.
But i loved him.

One thing I really want to know. Why did God let him hurt me so bad.
Honestly, it has been almost a year.
my heart still aches every single time I think about you.
My eyes searching for you.
Every single time when a motorbike passes by my car, I would look for you, even your motor plate.
after all these while.
each time i pass by the place we used to chill. it hurts.

Why?

Shit that happened for the past 9 months.
I can personally say that, yes. I encounter several setan-setan bertopeng.
If you knew Jay. If you knew what they did to me.

Whatever you told me about Malay dudes, happened to me.
I guess you don't really care, because, to be honest. selfish people like you, will only love yourself.

Whatever it was, I am really glad that I have friends that love me.
I am not going to put myself that low anymore. not even for Jay.

- sesungguhnya selepas kesukaran itu kemudahan-