Letting go

Its almost a month now after the break up.
I am proud to say that I am so much better and happier,
honestly.
I can't believe this is actually happening to me.

I thought that i will be miserable for a very long time.
Turns out, I am doing so much better.
You wont believe the amount of happiness that i am feeling right now.

All thanks to my family and friends. You guys are the best.
Oh ya, and that dick head for being cruel.

Yes he was so heartless and cruel, my feelings for him literally died.
My heart is not as empty anymore and it feels so good.

of course occasionally when our song comes up on the radio and i passed by places we used to hang out, it triggers memories. I still miss you, sometimes.

But at the end of the they they are just memories.
I can now smile and just waive it off.

I also know that no matter how much i loved you or missed you, you will still be you.
The heartless beast that you are.

I can even laugh and joke with my friends about how we used to be.
good times bad times. happy memories mostly.

I plan to stay this way.
I plan to be happy.
I plan to not miss us so much anymore.
I plan to get hold of my life again.
I plan to do great things like rescue all the kittens by myself.
I plan to watch movie alone without feeling depressed and sorry for myself.
I plan to learn "How to be single"
I plan to let our past go.

Therefore letting everything that used to be us go.

How to let go?
It's simple.
I know I am completely at fault. I admit. I was the one that triggered this.
But I definitely DO NOT deserve this.
If you love me enough like you used to say,
you will no do this to us.

Whatever it is, it just made me realised that, I wouldn't wanna be with someone that dumped me
right after saying "I love you"

and yeah you can go fuck yourself too. :)

Getting Over

I don't know why but today seems harder.
I dream of us last night.
We were happy. I cant really remember what happened in the dream but we were so happy.

Today is not a very good day for me.
I miss you a lot.
I really do.
It is so hard to get over things.

I wish today can be better.
I miss talking to you.
telling you all the shits that happened at work.

I need to keep telling myself that you don't want me anymore and you don't care.
I need to keep reminding myself that you are not interested in anything that i told you.
And you dont love, never love me enough that's why you left.

No matter what you did for me.
No matter what you promised. You left.
No matter how many kittens we rescue. You left
No matter how many songs you wrote and sang for me. You left.
No matter how much you family and friends liked me. You left.
No matter how many fucking times you said "I wont leave you" YOU FUCKING LEFT!

I need to keep repeating everything in my head until i am tired.
until i am sick of myself.
How many times do i need to repeat to myself that you hate me now.
You are so much more happier without me.
Dont know why am i still writing about you.
its not like you will read my blog anyway.
I used to write good things about us.
You never appreciate me enough to read.

I wish i could hate you.
I wish i am as heartless like you so life can be easier.

You mean ass hole.
Get the fuck out of my head.

The Break Up

Happy Valentines Day people.
and yes you guessed it right.

I got dumped.
The love of my life (well used to be) dumped me.
After all the promises,
He said "I will not leave you."
He said "No matter what happens we will go through this together"
He said "If we break up I will not know how to love anymore"
He said...

So many promises and yet he left me. For good this time.
He left me so broken and helpless
He left be because of a small mistake i made
He left me even I can promise him the world.
He left me even we were so happy the day before.
He left me just because I needed something that he couldn't give me.
He left me just because I did not listen to him when he was trying to talk to me nicely.

He left for good.

This time for good.

I loved him with my heart and soul, i bet the whole world knows.
I loved each and every thing about him.
I love his flaws his kindness
his smile his stupid jokes.
I love the way we used to be.

I love him so much that I am willing to do anything.
We, i said we because i know both of us put or heart, tears, blood into this relationship.
Its like everything about us.
We nurture it, take care of it.
Occasional arguments, but we managed to solve it.

We were so happy last Sunday.
He promised he will make everything better again.
and yet, He left me.

It has been exactly a week now since the break up.

I regretted everything that i did.
and yes he made me feel like i am fully responsible for everything.
Not sure if i am blaming myself, but yes i caused this.
I thought he was the one.
I thought he will always come back to me.
not this time.

He seems determine and so, i will just let it be.
I did not cry as much.
My heart is so empty,
I feel like I am merely existing, a life with no goals.
We had a common goal, we were working so hard to achieve it.

I wouldn't say what we had was fake.
He loved me too, with all his heart, he changed for us. for a better future.
I am so proud of him.
I really am.

3 years. Gone. 3 years of promises and sacrifice.
3 years of having him with me all the time.
His Good Morning texts. His Good Night kisses.
Him.
as though we exists just for each other.

His name and mine fits like the perfect puzzle.
He was perfect.
Our happy times sad times.
Our songs and road trips.
The troubles we got into for being reckless.
He loved everything about me too, i wouldn't doubt that.

Actually, thank you Jay for the perfect Sundate.
Never thought that it would be our last date and last kiss last hug and last good bye.

I hope your decision is the best for both of us.
I always thought that you are the best boy friend a girl could ever ask for.
at least for me. again, you are perfect.

Our hands fit each other perfectly, your height, your smile the dimples at your back.
We shared our deepest darkest secrets.
We were a team. a pack.
I love when you can control the entire situation when i am about to have a melt down.

Thank you for the best 3 years. You have did enough.

I know nothing. no apologies can fix what i did.
How i wish that i have a time machine, if i could just turn back time.

But there's no use now.
It's final.
I kissed your mom hands, apologize that i can't take care of you anymore.
You will always have a special place in my heart.

I can't deny that it fucking hurts. I am just trying to go by each day without dying.
I wish you well.

JAY. Jay and Yoke.
singing off.

Good Bye, my love.