You are loved.

One of my friend posted "I just want to be dead, because no one care"
It hurts me.
It hurts me because he is one of my closest friend, at least that is what i felt.
I am not sure if i am in his list of top 10 favorite people but he sure is in mine.

This friend, we fight, argue, used to hate him used to love him.
I cared and still cares about him. a lot.

What hurts the most is he is too stubborn or rather selfish to see how much he is loved by his friends.
I don't entirely understand what he is going through.

but I have been through horrible times too. You saw me. The state that i was in. You witnessed. 
All i used to want is to be loved by someone that love me back. A guy a relationship, my so called happily ever after.
I was so fixated by the idea of finding the one it made me awfully bitter and miserable.
I was horrible, hurt a lot of good people. especially people that really love me and cared.
everything i think feel see is negative, truly devastating.
I was so sad and alone thinking that no one love me and that no one cares and I suck because I wasn't in a relationship, and that I am not good enough.
Happiness was a rare thing and was defined by relationship status. I was existing rather than living life.
I have so much love to give, it was so overwhelming, I used to feel like dying too remember?

but these few months really opened up my entire head space. looking at the world with an entire different perspective, a fresh pair of eyes.
I have family and good friends that supports me, love me no matter what.
I mean it, no matter what.
I was such a bitch, terribly rude, very selfish and they had to put up with my crazy mood swings EVERY SINGLE DAY.
and yet THEY ARE STILL HERE!
I don't know what you guys see in me and why are you guys still here.
but thank you.
a million times thank you from the deepest end of my heart.

Life is really too short to wallow, sulk or be sad.
I wish you see what you have, try new things get to know new people, go on adventures.
trust me, this world, is really not that bad.
I wish you can see yourself through my eyes, i know i always say this but, what can i do to really make you love you more?

Be brave, take the first step.
Step out from the coffin that you've built. 
I would hold you hands if you want to. We can always walk together.
I want you happy.
happiness is really better than being addicted to pain.
appreciate the little things remember?

You are getting there buddy, just hang on a little, good things are coming. takes time, and who knows how long whatever it is, i believe you. not gonna give up on you.
you believed in me and i am forever grateful for that.

I don't care if this post annoys you bother you, i can't be cruel enough to just let you be.
well maybe this little sad little lonely little charming sort of vibes may get you girls but dude. don't die yet. i love you.

I am not trying to tell anyone off, not trying to prove that I am "better" or anything.
All i want is to let you, you and especially you my dear friend know that, no matter what, i truly believe there is one person that really cares about you and love you unconditionally. at least i care. and i am going to repeat it till you are sick of me because i do.
so. don't.
don't die.
coming from a girl that wanted to kill herself because of a boy that dumped her via WhatsApp.

-so please. don't give up. don't die. don't leave me yet.-

Kekasih Gelap

I jumped out of bed, kicked off my blanked and ran to get my laptop for this post.

I was thinking of you. No to be honest, I think of you often.
It started with a cute comment then sort of became this flirting game between us.

I think of you. Oh, that laugh of yours it radiates like sun shine.
When I said my prince charming is probably stoned somewhere, finding his way to me.
You said it might be you.
The moment you responded when i said good morning prince charming
and us flirting all day long is fun.

First time meeting you, even though you were super late but with a very good forgivable reason.
We clicked completely, I can tell from your smile and the way we talked.
Your eyes twinkles every time i giggle at your jokes.
The night air flowing through us on top of the hill, looking down at the city lights.
I can't stop staring at your luscious lips and again your contagious laugh.

fact that we hang out till dawn and still have so much to talk about.
fact that you impressed me, seems effortless even though you said you tried to be cool not to screw up.
I love it when i don't need to pretend in front of you, being me, spontaneous.
Our stupid jokes and hanging out with you is the best.
Us talking about your scars and my boring ass stories.

Our first kiss, for me was electrifying, that spark that i was desperately trying to feel from all the other guys.
I felt it with you, it felt right, I never thought that I would feel sparks again after Jay.
We both know this is how far we can be because, consequences.
We have to stick to the plan. Our plan.

I love spending time doing nothing with you.
You are sometimes the right amount of crazy i need. turns me on and gets me going.
It's the vibe you give, takes some of real life issues and pressure off.
little escape for me. hope it is to you too.
either way, I enjoy this effortless "relationship" we have.
I won't ask for anything more. This is good enough for me.
This is fun because it is the way it is and nobody needs to know you.

I cherish the fact that you acknowledge one day, we might fall for each other.
but honey, reality sucks. The world does not revolve around us.
maybe in a parallel universe we are probably be super chill, happy together and we don't need to hide whatever this is.
but this is how far it goes. sticking to the plan is the best for you and i.
I like you, I do despite whatever selfish reasons that we are doing this. I like you.
I like you because this is fun. I hope you like me because this is fun.
and she is a very lucky girl. I am sorry for not wanting to care.

-I meant it when i said I would go for you if you were single.-