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I was just driving to work one day, chilling enjoying the Kuala Lumpur traffic jam.
Thinking about life and my collection of failed relationships.
I realized something.
From my 1st ever boyfriend till you and all the guys that i have dated was actually walking me through a certain phase of my life.

Faiz my first ever serious relationship, he walked me through college.
He was my first love.
My first kiss.
My first time feeling so loved by someone besides my family.
college life was tough, he was there for me all the way.

Jay came 2nd, when i finished college and ended things with Faiz.
transitioning phase of my life from a student to a working adult.
he was with me all the way, I remembered first day of work, he was with me.
until the time when i quit my old job.
Jay really taught me a lot about life.
when i was a scardy cat, getting lost all the time, he taught me the ins and outs of KL.
and also
how to love so selflessly
how to fall head over heels
how to appreciate simple happiness
how to be brave and independent.
He basically transform me from this insecure teenager that knows nothing about the city to who I am now.
I love him. I do and i know he loved me too.
He also taught me how to let go and nothing is forever.

All the other dudes that came and went away.
I know they are just helping me bits by bits to let go.
They walked me through this heartache, makes life a little more interesting.

I don't want to be no sad girl no more.
I know i always say this but, honestly, i owe it to my family the most.
my friends. all my friends around me.
I wish i could write a personal thank you card to each and everyone of you.
I cannot imagine life without you all, entertaining me and supporting all my stupid ideas.
I cannot imagine making up every morning without our annoying whatsapp group chats.
I cannot imagine coming to work without office dramas.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart with my heart and soul.

I am not sure when my "someone forever" will stumble and knock me down, but i am here, ready, and fabulous like a Unicorn.

Dear Jay,
I now understand that you are just someone temporary.
Someone just to bring me through a certain phase of my life.
As much as i want you to be permanent, believe me, I want to, with all my heart and soul i really want us to be permanent.
but God has his own arrangements and plans for us.

and i also understand it is time for you to be in her life, to bring her through this particular phase of her life.

Maybe one day someone forever will come into my life.
maybe one day, as if for now, i really don't hate you as much anymore regardless how you left. I know, you had to go.
and i don't hate which ever whore you are with that much anymore.

No, I don't want you back too.

Please don't come back and haunt me, just stay in your grave.
I have already bury whatever we had.
Not going to visit that part of my memory that much anymore.

Good bye. RIP #jayyoke

someone told me.
hold on to whatever that makes you happy. 

-I am much more happier now-

#yoke26

I've had the best birthday party and i know i owe it to my family and friends.
Especially my family.
If it weren't for them, i wont even have a party.
and my friends.
I was so worried no one is going to show up.
but most of you did. despite our work circumstances.

My beautiful unicock cake. Good food. Good company.
surprises, cakes and lavish gifts from all my friends.
which i will cherish.

No expectations from useless ex boyfriend that doesn't know how to plan your birthday for you.


I was so certain that I am going to be fabulous and awesome.
I was so sure that this is going to be great and wonderful after my birthday.
Feels like I was going to drown then finally managed to swim up the surface for air.

I never expect to see his picture with another girl as his youtube profile picture.
I thought I've unsubscribed.
No more assumptions, guessing. He really has moved on with a new girl.
Oh, pakai tudung yalls.
I know. I was shocked too.
He deleted all the videos i recorded for him.
All our memories.
Good job Jay. Hebatnya main delete.
Kenapa tak delete je kotey engkau yang kecik tu?

God showed it to me. Damn.
but thank you God.
Just when i thought i can finally get out from your sick game.
You arranged a huge fucking wave to drown me again.
Thank you God. I am waiting for what you have for me in the future.
As if I am not crushed enough.

I almost had a panic attack.
I almost left nasty comments on your fucking youtube channel.
I almost texted your friend.
but on second thought.
You, piece of shit is so not worth it.

Is she just a rebound? I have no idea man.
She is so not his taste.
Bitch if you are reading this, I am sorry, but you look hideous.
You ain't gonna be as awesome and cool as me.
Bitch, You are just "typical" hijabstur.
He used to tell me hijabsutrs are not his type at all.
well, maybe that bitch is just an experiment.
Whatever, none of my fucking business anyway.

Well both of you must be very happy together.
hah. FUCK OFF.
I believe in Karma.

Oh, I can't believe he actually used their picture as his profile picture.
Mother fucker did not even want to put our pictures on his Facebook for the past 3 years.
Son of a bitch.

Oh I am so pissed at the same time broken.
I just want to give him a fucking punch on his face.
or kick his baby dick.

Family and friends.
all i can promise you is that i will never take my own life for this useless piece of waste.
I will be strong again.
I will get all my shit together.

I will try my best to swim to the surface again, no matter what sick games that God is trying to play.
I will fight.
Because I am so much better than he is.
so much better than they are.
I want you to see, and regret what you did to me even on your death bed.

Go to hell Jay.
Please just die already? Thanks.


Well there goes. Happy fucking birthday Yoke.

-#yoke26-