Holidays

I just came back from hanging out, so i thought why not update my blog today and I saw the last post i wrote was back in September.

It made me kinda sad and I honestly have to excuse or any solid reason for this, the only explanation that I can give is, i was too caught up with life and things around me and i had forgotten how writing was so important to me at one point is was actual therapy.
So I guess i really needed it tonight.

Christmas and New Year is around the corner, I mean obviously living in Malaysia we are not getting snow or anything but the decorations and the music at the mall on the streets makes it so festive.

I remembered when i was small I hope and i wish so hard that Santa would come to my house and maybe leave presents for me and most of you out there knows that i am born and raised in a rater conservative and also super Asian family so we dont celebrate Christmas at all. But luckily i have a few Christian friends would always invite me to church.
So from there i came to know about Jesus Christ and the actual spirit of Christmas and of course i watched Disney movies and Christmas cartoons.
I love going to church during Christmas, obviously as a kid you will receive gifts and candies and learn to sing Christmas carols.
I kind missed those good old times.

Working in a call center or service line holidays are the busiest. no holiday for me this year. Its not a bad thing, i still enjoy listening to Christmas songs and I love the smell of freshly baked cookies and festive food in the mall.

Your family back ground does not entirely determine who you are and how you will be in your life.
It is you that write your own story.
I would not judge anyone based on their education level, their religion or their background to determine who they are before i even know them.
First of all it was not their choice to be born the way they are it is like asking a person with disability why cant you walk or dance or talk or see or be like "normal people".

I  strongly believe that you yourself can write your own story you can be your own master. Nothing can determine how you are or what you are.

I do not agree that you can only be with someone that is of same standard as you are, i do not agree that a happy marriage is based on the same family background or the same financial status.
What about Cinderella? or sleeping beauty or Aladin?
I believe that you determine and you manage your own happiness.

I wish that people can see each other as equal despite who they are what they are and what they believe.

Someday. someday I will find peace and my own happiness.

To Daisy:
" I miss you a lot, I do, I wished that i have the strength and courage to keep you and love you. You brought joy into our life even it was for a short period of time but I truly appreciate that I found you that fateful day. I hope that next time in the future I have the chance to love you. Susu, Kiki, Kiba, Sam, Tiger, Prince, Hersey, Donnie"

P/S Daisy was a kitten that i found at my old work place, i didnt get the chance to take care of her because of many many many many external factors, and I honestly wished that i had stood up for her and not just give up.

Someday maybe someday.

For now, love as much as you can appreciate the people around you, family, love ones, friends.




-I want to be happy and i want to be the master of my own temple.-

Happy holidays.

Norms.

What is with people and also our social norms,

Why can't a girl ask a guy out first?

Why fat people must be shamed ?

Why must we only date our own race, same society level same skin tone same religion?

I was brought up in a very some what traditional Asian family. My parents are both teachers and my mom she really values our culture and the moral values passed down from our ancestors.

Me, we are the total opposite and I mean for those who know me in real life knows how I am as a person.
It's not saying that i do not value my own culture. Heck i love being Asian.
but i think we need to change some of the things that are going on here.

It's like who the fuck set rules that girls are forbid to ask a guy out.
To be honest I have asked a few guys out but obviously got rejected because i am Fat.
and you know they reject you cuz they shallow and you know i shallow too because i only ask the cute ones out.
But what i am trying to say here is, there is nothing wrong with expressing your affection to some one.
I like you means I LIKE YOU don't oppress yourself.

When i was young i grew up in a fisherman village and my grandma and great grandma made "Keropok" it's a traditional Terengganu delicacy.
My friends were all around the village. I mean we don't just be friends with our own skin tone and we don't judge people by their religion.
Back in the time we respect each other as a person not based on what is show on the surface.
I thought that it was suppose to be like that, I mean to see a person from within,
like my mother always say "beauty is skin deep"

and so because beauty is skin deep and my grandma and great grandma love me so much they were so afraid that I might die of hunger. oh boy they fed me. they fed me.

fast forward to teenage Yoke. She was just an ordinary girl that like boys and just wanna have a date during her school years and fancy romantic movie and books.
reality hits fast.
I remembered someone said to me" Go pee in a basin and look at your own shadow before you want my friend to date you."
Oh well, i live and maybe that person wont even remember that he said that to me but boy. I hope you burn in hell :)

and I am just this super Fat overweight girl trying to be pretty to feel good and want boys attention and want people to like me.
My parents just as typical Asian parents are not trained to handle situation like this.
I mean they are the best parents that they can be.
I guess for me what i needed was just more of the hugs and kisses and love and affection.

What i am asking for and what i am getting is like a magnet with the same direction.

and i skip to the part where i started dating.
dating MALAY guys.
oh you guys should just be in my situation a day. just one day and i pray that you understand what i mean by struggle.

at 1st i was like any typical chinese girls that know that we are forbid to date especially Malay guy because as we all know Malay guys are portray as "mat repitz' "mat pet" "pemalas" pencuri"
but i thought why am i being so racist and why on earth should i judge a person without even getting to know them?

and i said. Fuck that. We dont judge people based on their skin tone their religion or their back ground.
I started to love people as an individual, the beauty within rather than what we can see outside.
I swear this is the best decision that i have ever made.  
I swear. loving people as a person is so much happier than trying to follow your social norms or what my parents would say "not acceptable, not suitable in our culture."

No it is not that  i do not like my own culture. I love being a decedent of a baba nyonya. but something must change.
I dont see that my life is ruin from making the decisions i made.

I am perfectly surviving and happy.
really happy.

I am blessed to have a family that supports me financially to finish my studies and even i hated it, but dad you cant deny i did finished my degree.
I followed the path that you wanted me to, yes i am perfectly fine. but i am not Happy. I hope you understand life for me is not just about getting good results, graduate get good job with high salary get married to a rich chinese guy and start the circle all over again.
That is not me.
You can make me but i wont be happy. because that is not me.
I dont blame anyone for anything I can make my own decision and take responsible for it.
I just want to be happy. really.

This war between society norms will never be resolve if people are still doing things stereo typically.
People that are trying to give diet advise or fat shame fat people, if you were never fat before and by fat i mean you cant buy the clothes you like because they do not come in your size and you are self conscious to wear sleeveless shirt because your arms are like two huge fluffy pillows that your skinny  friends love to lean on which makes you look even bigger, just dont give advise if you have never been there.

For there rest of my life i envy people who fit perfectly in dresses and can wear singlet without even a doubt. I hate myself so much that i am fat and just really dark and horrible past.

But that all will need to stop. I love who i am because fat is awesome.

-got to go cook to please my sister that i will never give me any respect-

Birthday

It is almost that time of the year again.
This is the 2nd year since she left.

I love birthdays and celebrations and festivals I do.

This is the 2nd year i am having mixed emotions on my birthday.
I don't know man. it's like one part of me is so freaking excited and the other part of me is just struggling to take over.

My birthday in Sheffield was not too bad despite it was past mid night and i got the news that she passed away.

My birthday last year was, i don't know, just driving aimlessly in town with him.
No planning what so ever. It was dull. honestly i have never felt so aimless before and on my birthday. come on.

My birthday this year. I decided to have a great one despite 2 continuous disaster birthday.
but.

1. I didn't achieve what i wanted yet
2. The memories of her haunt me
3. I really want a nice birthday dinner with him but..
4. The memories of her haunt me
5. I just want a nice 24th birthday
6. I do not want to party and get drunk
7. I really hope that there's fireworks because I love watching fireworks and they didn't have any last year.



It is very hard for me to forget my own birthday.

THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY IS REMINDING ME OF MY BIRTHDAY
HER DEATH REMINDS ME OF MY BIRTHDAY

I have no fucking idea how anyone can forget their birthday.

I have so many things planned.
My family is celebrating for me so that's not a problem.
but,
I want to go for a short getaway
I want a simple romantic candle light dinner
I  need to rest to refresh.
I want to do what I what.

I hate myself for not achieving my goals. I don't blame him for who he is, no one is to blame.
Maybe I shouldn't be too excited, maybe it is just another day.

oh well, it is not even my birthday yet and i am feeling so fucking depressed.
lesson to be learn here,

do not have too high hopes.

I am not a happy go lucky person, never was,
people assumed that I am just because I am all fat and sweaty.

I am not one bit happy.
I feel so sad about so many things

I miss Daisy, i miss the kittens
I hate this stupid political chaos in our country
I hate because of some stupid religion and race issue I always need to choose between him and my family
I hate because everyone says that career and money is the most important thing in life and he have none so he is not the best for me.
I hate that people are trying to change how i feel about someone
I hate that people assume they know what's best for me but they don't because i am myself and i know myself best.
I hate people.

I am never a happy person. I guest i just fake it good enough for everyone to think that I am who they assumed.


- all i really wanted was to feel happy-

Center

Oh waoo It has been sometime since I wrote anything here.

I have made changes to my life.

baby steps.

I got a new job. :)

I quit my old one. and surprisingly I feel, relieved.

Like tons of weight lifted off my slouching shoulder.

The best thing is i can finally use my real name. like the name i love to be called. or should i say the name my parents gave me.

using a corporate name makes my real name seems so unworthy. Like I shouldn't be proud of my own name.

I love what my trainer said "Be proud of your name. There is nothing wrong with your name"

almost made me cry. It is as though she answered my questions all these while. What is so wrong with my name?

My name means me. As a person. My identity. 

without it i felt like part of me have been taken away. Using a different name is just hard. 

putting on a mask every single day is hard. I honestly don't know how some people can do it for the rest of their life, not me. 

I felt sick of myself. internal conflicts. 

The dark age has passed. 

Welcome to the new age. 

I can finally be a part of something huge. 

So many natural disasters and conflicts happening around the world.

I really think that perspective is very important.

How you look at life.

I mean natural disaster you can't control it. But how you react to it despite loosing everything tells people who you are as a person. 

Being self centered do no help.

nothing good will come if someone is so self centered and too bold to even open up their minds for different ideas, innovations, culture, life.

For them is just because they are the majority so they have all the rights to do everything and anything just because they are the majority. 

My trainer told me, we can really see a person's real self during difficult times. the way you handle things really show your true character. 

Obviously, some of us in this big old world are just stupid and forever living in a cocoon.

so they can be the biggest hypocrite.

What the fuck do you mean by" oh no, I wont even lay a finger on my girl friend because i respect her, but with you because you are open minded so I can put my hands all over you, tell you how i wanna put my body against yours. Just because you are wearing short pants." 

I feel sad for the mother or mothers, father or fathers. You have not done your job in teaching your son to respect women. 

This is not respect. This is foolish.

 

Oh how i wish i have kept the conversations. It would be so much fun. :)

busting hypocrite. 

 

I don't think I am living in my own dream world. I honestly do not think so. If i were to live in my own dream world. I wouldn't have cared about so many other things that matters.

Sometimes what it takes is just to look at the bigger picture rather than getting influenced by social medias, stupid annoying fucking forwarded messages that makes you freak out. 

so here i end my endless ranting. I am not an expert on life, but what i can tell you is the way i look at life itself. 

-monster under construction- 

Stranded

I feel stranded on an island. 

for my whole life I have been this indecisive person.

for my whole life, i rarely make major decisions. 

for my whole life, i just listen and accept.

for my whole life i have been rebellious for no certain reasons. 

What am i fighting for?

why do i rebel if it is me that chose to listen and follow?

I don't blame anyone.

for i am the one doing the listening and following.

I am my own doom. 

when life stretches you until you can't be stretched there are only 2 choices. 

1. you bounce straight back and hit that mafaker in the face.

2. you break.

I broke down. because i am weak. 

I thought i would be happy living in the city,

driving my own car

having a so called "career" 

and parents would be so proud talking about their eldest because she is working in the city.

and that she can manage her own life.

unfortunately, I am always a small town girl.

always the sweaty awkward fat girl standing in the middle of a cross road.

indecisive.

the city overwhelmed me. 

I can't take the pressure of doing shit that i hate.

every single fucking day, waking up to a job that was per arranged. 

waking up thinking what did i get myself into?

driving to work, into that shit hole. 

I am so not happy with life. I am really unhappy.

i am so unhappy that i cry a lot.

and crying is nonsense. 

and crying for no reason is also nonsense.

crying, having tears streaming down is nonsense.

My father thinks that I am ungrateful.

he himself suffered for 29 years of having a job that he dislike. 

He said, at least it pays the rent and put food on the table.

a job that eats him up for 29 years raised 3 of us.

he said this is life.

but i believe, there's always a choice. 

i can be happy working  and still earn the same amount of money.

I can still pay rents and feed myself.

and i can be happy.

all I've been doing is accepting.

accepting that this is life.

that this is how it is.

sounded just like someone that i used to love.

accepting his imperfections.

but i chose not. 

a relationship is not about accepting imperfections and tolerating.

a relationship, for me at least, is loving each others imperfection.

you've got to love their imperfections. 

because, how much can you accept in a life time?

so here i am, stranded.

I should have stand firm

stay strong 

keep believing in my dreams.

that there will be a place that i belong.  

I am in a state where i don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to quit and withdraw myself for everything.

Just let me go.

I miss the ocean.

24 years of breathing fresh ocean air.

24 years of waking up to the sea.

I miss it all.

I have had my fun in the city, the day trip is over, time for me to go home. 

My sister thinks that this is bull shit and i am stupid for saying all this.

no one understands.

I just need to find a place where i belong. 

come take me away. to a place where dreams exist. 

run away from the cruel reality.

-I have got to stay firm, because this time, i will run.-

 

 

   

Cages

For some reasons I love the images of birds.
I have 3 little birdies tattooed on my wrist
and i plan to tattoo wings on my ankles and a huge pair on my back.

I sometimes feel like a bird, suck in a cage.
Even when I am out of the cage,
my legs are always tied to an invincible unbreakable chain.
The further i go the longer the chain gets.
I will never truly feel free.

My urge for freedom is so strong even just a short bike ride in the city, middle of the night with no helmets on, i would spread my hands wide just to feel the sharp wind cutting through my cheeks and my hair.

I just want to run free with no strings attached.
I want to feel and taste and explore adventures.
to see things, to really live a life
what is life if the sole purpose of living is only to earn more money?
what is adventures when only luxurious things can satisfy our lust?
what is living if only a branded handbag or a designer watch, huge cars and houses can make us happy?

Happiness for me is just waking up early enough to look at the sun rise and the clouds turn red
or even a full moon, lying on the grass looking up at the galaxy of stars.
feeling the evening breeze. walking hand in hand with you listening to your silly jokes. and when the evening sun shines on your face.

All i wanted is to be out from this reality cage.
we are all putting ourselves in cages.
trapping ourselves to categories, fact is we are all the same.
We are all equal.
we are influenced so much by reality when we forget what is truly beautiful.
we forget what is simple happiness.
The reality and rules that we set, to restrain ourselves.


I am not hungry for money.
I am hungry for adventures.
The universe is infinite, why trap ourselves?

No matter how hard i try to run. I am just a nameless blogger. writing her dreams away.

side note: don't get me wrong, i am not saying that we should break the rules to do illegal things. What i meant is, there's so much more out there in the world than lusting for a branded handbag, so much more than trying to fulfill the society wants
so much more than a 9 to 6 job in a lifeless office..
so much more than to get stuck in the jam every single bloody day.

All i want is to break free from the invincible cages.

Who is Madeleine?

I shouldn't be doing this at work. but fuck it, inspirations only come once.

Who is Madeleine?
People at work know me as Madeleine.
my instagram is registered as @madeleineismad 
so who is this Madeleine?
Here goes,

There was once a fat confused girl finished her studies for good.
and come the time where she had to get a job for herself. 
so her aunt called and offered her a job as her Personal Assistant. 
as confused she was, she blindly accepted the offer without thinking of the outcome.
When reality hits, she had to act and dress like a grown up. 
No more side shaves
No more piercing at the lips
Life used to be simple and then, she had to change her name, because the name she had wasn't presentable enough. She never knew that using the fancy names can change people's perception on her. 
so she prayed and she prayed. 
The wicked witch granted her wishes, she gave her a mask. The Madeleine mask.
She had to put on that mask every single morning no matter how sick she is of wearing it.
and as days went by, she found herself more and more confused. 
This Madeleine mask is making her do stuff, bad stuff. 
Things that is so horrible that she had to hide in her car and cry.

This Madeleine mask is deceiving, The innocent look of the mask,  master of twisting stories, of plotting, and getting herself out of trouble. 
Madeleine has no soul. She is just a mask. 
People don't know that, people was so impressed by this Madeleine person they don't care who she really is beneath that mask.
The confused girl gets better at wearing the Madeleine mask, she, herself is afraid that one day she might really be Madeleine. 
Or is Madeleine is this hidden side of her that she never knew. 

confused girl has no idea who she is. what she wants and what is she doing with her life.
Where is that girl that wants to travel the world with her camera and guitar?
long gone the dreams. long gone the adventures. 

What is life when everyone is trying to be special but they are actually, eventually, walking towards the same destination, ends up all the same, at the same place?
There's not really "a special one", it's you. that person deep down in you that makes you. You. only you know what's going on in that heart and head of yours. 
only you know what's the best for you.
only you can decide to put on the mask or giving up your soul to be what you "should be"


I am not just trying to please others by being what they expect me to be. 
So i write. she writes. 

so,
Her only escape is music.
music calms her down.
music pulls her back to grown
music makes her feel her soul again
music makes her feel like life wearing the Madeleine mask is temporary.

she can be herself when she is with music.
she can dance and shout 
she can curse and use foul languages
she can laugh and jump
she can breath. 

-the confused girl just want a fruitful life, she was born a dreamer.- 

2015

6 more minutes to 2 January 2015. I am alone in my room. I figure why not write. and so i did. 

Gosh. Time really does travel in the speed of light.

2014 was indeed a wonderful, magical, amazing, crazy year.
It was so incredible. 

Highlights from 2014.
Met him, 
I shaved half of my head.
Went UK and came back from the trip of my life.
Got my Hons Degree
he came into my life officially
Got a job in the big city
relationship dramas
lost and found my car
more relationship dramas
got a new car
moved house

He was telling me that we have been together for only a year but it felt like a long time, which is true.
It felt like we have know each other for our entire life. It's so strange and explainable. 

Last night was nice.
really nice, being with him is all about appreciating little minor things in life.
I the simplicity when we are together. 
and yes I got my New Year's kiss.
come to think of it we celebrated new year together 2 years in a row. 


In 2014 I do not have any resolution. HUGE mistake. 
Huge mistake to stay in my comfort zone.
not to make the same mistake again, I have clear goals for my 2015. 

2015 is going to be a better year.
a year full of changes
full of challenges
overcoming fears
gaining confident
defeating the monster in you
and a year to do better
a second chance for everyone to do right.
and a year of prosperity and good luck. 


I will cherish this year and try my very hard to achieve my goals.
Not that i am doing new year's crap talk,
I honestly want to complete my goals.

Kinda awkward to share my goals on my blog.
But you will see throughout the year i will reveal bits and pieces of them.

I can't believe that i am 24. 
this is madness.
24!
I was like 18 when i started this blog.
damn. 
I ain't gonna complain and whine like a bitch anymore this year about my life, hopefully.

This will be, maybe the year that i leap into another stage of my life, again, hopefully.
I just got to work fucking hard and hustle and bustle till i reach my goals.

Thank you all for reading my posts all these years. reading my crappy posts about my slightly fucked up life. 
THANK YOU. 
really really mean a lot to me.
Till then, Have a blessed 2015.

-monster under construction- 
-glad that one of your goals is to love me more-