Forbidden Fruit

To Mr. BoGeyMan:

You are the forbidden fruit.
My moral, mind, God, Universe warned me about you.
But I am painstakingly holding on to every fibre in my body not to let free my pent up lecherous self.
I am clearly not a saint but the mere thought on what we can do wtih each other is already a transgression against divine law.
So. Help free me. This is a sin I can't wait to commit.

A sin so delicious better than sweet juicy nectar.
Your form, anatomy of a Greek God.
I let you smitten me with your delusional idea of us.
I know your every word, fib, plot twists and games.
But i let you play.
I lay all my cards out.
I let you sing your lies curated from hurting girls after girls.

I shouldn't have devour the forbidden fruit.
I have misbehaved.
And now the BoGeyMan has the best of me.

-wish i could be a little selfish-
-wish i could have you all to myself a little longer-

feel anything?

I think i have forgotten how it is when singing love songs and feel it with my heart.
listening to love songs is never the same after you left.

Love songs to me now is just a bunch of fancy made up words mixed together
doesn't really make any sense.
I cannot compute romantic comedies. Total bullshit.

i tried to feel something, "pray" for something good, but my prayers were answered with pictures of mediocre, below average dicks.
i want the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart knowing someone I like misses me.
i wish you miss me for me, because I am funny and awesome.

i want to stop feeling like a fucking loser every time, being left out. 
i miss your hugs and how it feels to be in your arms, recharged, after a long day at work.

Your voice, singing me lullaby every night chasing all my nightmares away before they even start.

I am not even asking for another you, or to turn back time or for you to love me back.
just someone that love me enough not to leave.

i have forgotten how secure and safe when you cuddle me to sleep.
that funny way you say "I want to hug you from behind."

Stop telling me that someone will love me for who i am or i will find my prince charming.
Why don't you fucking be that someone and love me for all my scars, big or small, fat or even fatter.
Why don't you fucking stop asking me to date other people and date me instead.

I am tired of being numb acting like being in a relationship and love is a joke.
or maybe i should, because if this is what it is, i am 101% sure dying alone is what I was born for.



I chose to keep quiet and not do anything even though I am pretty sure I like you more than i should old man.
whatever i am feeling is going to die down.
we can be good for each other. you and i. let me be the crazy in your mundane life and you be the old wise man, the anchor for  my recklessness.

alas whatever is going on in my head is not reality and God hates me too much to give me any miracle.

so. how can i feel again?

so, what's next?

So, what's next?
I have been seeing, dating multiple guys for the past 2 years.
funny how all different individuals tells the same story with the same ending.

So, last weekend I met him, my favorite. It was our 2nd time meeting.
but of course we have been keeping in touch, occasionally and our random video calls.

He stood out the most, the top of my list.
because of the way he talks,
so cocky, so confident, so loud and sometimes obnoxious.
but he is passionate about life, super outgoing yet like spending time alone.
He is smart, wise and gave me some of the best advise.
He, I feel, is the type of guy you either like or hate.
I would consider him as an ass hole.
also the only person that I whispered "You are so hot." while making out.
Ironically I always go for ass holes. he knows.

I stayed over at his place, it was fun.
Talked a lot but still have so much to talk about.
He is not the most thoughtful person.
at least not to me, but nice enough to encourage me to be better.

So now, I achieved what I wanted, what's next?

my friend was excited to know if this time both of us got closer.
well, sorry to disappoint, again.
i feel secretly, i wish he'd text.
but we all know he wouldn't.
I for some reasons refuse to text him first.
I feel my heart crumbed a little when my friends feel sorry for me.


I really don't know what's next.
I have gone through all the guys that i like/interested and i have no one on my list now.
does it mean prince charming is around the corner?

I honestly, truly want to stop crossing out guy's name on my list.

-can I not cross out your name?-
- maybe this time, just be stubborn and stay will you?-
- or i probably should stop dreaming about you, yes. I should- 

what do I really want?

A few of my tinder dates pointed out the same thing.

"I don't think you know what you want."

and I'd always brush them off with denial.

"Of course I know what I want." 

and the answer ended there.

What do I really want? 

now, I am writing this to sort my shit out. 

What do I really want?

I want someone to see me for what I really am.

under all the layers of fat and laughter, lived this scared insecure girl that constantly needs reassurance and encouragements. 

I want someone to tell me stories about their adventure, and their scars. 

I want someone that can make me feel butterflies or still blush each time we kiss. 

I want to adore and be adored. 

I want someone to share little things that happened to me daily.

I want to give love and to be loved.

I want to be the little spoon. 

I want to have a shoulder to cry on and also be the 1st person he thinks of during troubled times.

I want to be happy again.

at least be happy.

I wish i can feel like how i used to. like i can do anything. 

I want to laugh and fart and burp freely when we are together.

I want to be needed. 

I want to be your only netflix and chill partner. 

I want a travel partner, someone to do crazy things with.

I want to count each other's gray hair, slow dance to"can't help falling in love" by Elvis Presley 

I want someone that i can embrace everyday after work.

someone that i can show off my cooking skills. 

I want a workout partner, encouraging each other to do better, to compete. 

I want a someone that I can build my home with. 

I want someone that is proud to be loved by me.

I want someone that I can showoff to my friends and family.

I want someone that know all my scars and know how to love me right.

I want someone that wont give up on us. 

I want someone to make decisions with, go through hurricanes with, i want us to be a team.

I want secret hand shakes and inside jokes. 

I want to be the reason or the rock behind his success his happiness. 

I want our relationship to be unshakable. 

-I want all these to come true.-

Rusty

Clinging onto the train handle in the semi cramped LRT like my life depends on it, with the soft evening sun shining into the rectangular window.
looking at the golden city line moving further away. stunning.

I had a rather interesting conversation with someone recently.
I feel, in every breakup, there can only be one happy person.
I bet it feels good to be the lucky one.

and that was when she said.
She had to let him go because she love him.
being together is just wasting his time because she fell out of love.
at the same time found new love.
and staying together would only be selfish.

What do you think?
was it just excuses to make herself feel better? mercy killing? 

I said, life is not fair.
she chose happiness, no one can ever question or need any justification for what she did.
but by choosing her happiness she had to sacrifice him.
and for him to be happy, a question that she cannot answer.

I feel them both.
I do.
I had to sacrifice Faiz long time ago because I wasn't happy anymore. Miserable even.
It was the way he treated me. I don't miss him at all when I was with Jay. I still don't miss him now.
I chose Jay, because he once made me felt like I conquered the world, he was the missing puzzle.
but, Jay left, to find his happiness he sacrificed me.
Faiz eventually found his forever and always.
and here I am. left to die.

I think, this is an interesting topic to ponder about.
how can a breakup be fair?
how can a breakup ever, be fair?

all i did all those years ago was, ignorant, selfish.
being in a relationship with Faiz just because "being in a relationship".
We were young, fresh out of high school.
love was just a text asking me to be his girlfriend.

now, I understand that Love is a strong word.
to love is to work things out even when your relationship is as crusty as old rusty parts beyond repair.
to say i love you is easy, but to stay together during hurricanes and snow storms only exist in fairy tales.

I believe, truly, my tears meant nothing now.
when crying is everyday routine, tears seems worthless.
meaningless because I cried so much.
became a habit even.

I am convinced that I am a horrible person, someone that is unloveble, who cares if unlovable is not a word, fuck it, I am still going to use it as my tinder bio. 

but.
I don't want to be that girl that you can easily "brozone"
that girl that you think is funny and cool.
that girl that you think is tough and fearless.
truth is, I am just good at acting or faking.
truth is, my heart is fragile and frail. 
truth is, I crave your attention.
truth is, I want to be the little spoon.
I want to share my deepest, scariest thoughts and someone to hold during my melt downs.
to feel irrationally in love again with someone.
at least let me feel something.

alas, I am always that fat girl, your best wing girl.
"You are so cool Yoke."
"Yoke, I really feel comfortable talking to you."
"Yoke, you are really funny."
call it a blessing or a curse. I don't know.

-i don't have butterflies when i see you, but my heart definitely hurts a little when I am not the one you like-  
-I wish I was the lucky one- 

2019

2019 New Year's Eve was one of the best I've ever had.
A simple gathering with friends that will never give up on me even they found someone better.
I actually felt that I can start new. A brand new chapter and that i survived the worst.

Hope, a peculiar thing.
use correctly, can make the blind see and the crippled walk.
Hope, can also cause the happiest person on earth to die of heartache.

Yet, I love playing with fire.
I welcome you hope, once again in my life.
2019 is all about changing my perspective on life.
my only resolution is to be a happier me.
letting go of toxic people.
I feel empowered to not let losers hurt me, take advantage of me anymore.
The worst had passed.
New year, a whole new page, a clean slate.

Starting new doesn't mean that I can forget Jay.
I still miss him, God knows how much I wish to hold his hands again,
to see him smiling at me on his bike.
to listen to him sing just for me and our inside jokes.
God knows how much I wish to have him pulling my head close to his chest.
falling asleep listening to the sound of his steady heart beat.
It's never gonna happen again I know.
Memories.
and memories that i shall carry to my grave.
Truth, I know no matter how hard I pray or try or cry nothing is ever going to make him change his mind or break this spell.
Truth, I know it is almost impossible to be happy like I used to be when i had him.

Truth, I am strong, therefore I will force myself to survive even without him.

You can only wish for a love so strong.
someone that is willing to be with you to hell and beyond.

but i am not going to put my feelings forward anymore,
been using memories of Jay to wear off any feelings I have for anyone.
been using memories of Jay to end a bad day at work, always telling myself that at the end of the day,
just maybe, maybe he would still be standing there, waiting for me like he used to.
maybe just maybe those memories of him making me laugh will make my bad day slightly better.
or maybe I am just crazy.

so i had a dream about this person last night,
and today, he texted me a picture of himself,
finally a normal text in a very long time.
but
Do you know what is sad?
It's when your entire mind heart and soul wants to believe that this actually means something,
truth is, there's really nothing to it than just pure coincidence.
so you have no choice but to kill all hopes,
no choice but to use each and every fiber in my body to push the thought out from my head.

I survived the worst part of 2018.

-let's hope that 2019 will be good to all my sedih gurls-