Rusty

Clinging onto the train handle in the semi cramped LRT like my life depends on it, with the soft evening sun shining into the rectangular window.
looking at the golden city line moving further away. stunning.

I had a rather interesting conversation with someone recently.
I feel, in every breakup, there can only be one happy person.
I bet it feels good to be the lucky one.

and that was when she said.
She had to let him go because she love him.
being together is just wasting his time because she fell out of love.
at the same time found new love.
and staying together would only be selfish.

What do you think?
was it just excuses to make herself feel better? mercy killing? 

I said, life is not fair.
she chose happiness, no one can ever question or need any justification for what she did.
but by choosing her happiness she had to sacrifice him.
and for him to be happy, a question that she cannot answer.

I feel them both.
I do.
I had to sacrifice Faiz long time ago because I wasn't happy anymore. Miserable even.
It was the way he treated me. I don't miss him at all when I was with Jay. I still don't miss him now.
I chose Jay, because he once made me felt like I conquered the world, he was the missing puzzle.
but, Jay left, to find his happiness he sacrificed me.
Faiz eventually found his forever and always.
and here I am. left to die.

I think, this is an interesting topic to ponder about.
how can a breakup be fair?
how can a breakup ever, be fair?

all i did all those years ago was, ignorant, selfish.
being in a relationship with Faiz just because "being in a relationship".
We were young, fresh out of high school.
love was just a text asking me to be his girlfriend.

now, I understand that Love is a strong word.
to love is to work things out even when your relationship is as crusty as old rusty parts beyond repair.
to say i love you is easy, but to stay together during hurricanes and snow storms only exist in fairy tales.

I believe, truly, my tears meant nothing now.
when crying is everyday routine, tears seems worthless.
meaningless because I cried so much.
became a habit even.

I am convinced that I am a horrible person, someone that is unloveble, who cares if unlovable is not a word, fuck it, I am still going to use it as my tinder bio. 

but.
I don't want to be that girl that you can easily "brozone"
that girl that you think is funny and cool.
that girl that you think is tough and fearless.
truth is, I am just good at acting or faking.
truth is, my heart is fragile and frail. 
truth is, I crave your attention.
truth is, I want to be the little spoon.
I want to share my deepest, scariest thoughts and someone to hold during my melt downs.
to feel irrationally in love again with someone.
at least let me feel something.

alas, I am always that fat girl, your best wing girl.
"You are so cool Yoke."
"Yoke, I really feel comfortable talking to you."
"Yoke, you are really funny."
call it a blessing or a curse. I don't know.

-i don't have butterflies when i see you, but my heart definitely hurts a little when I am not the one you like-  
-I wish I was the lucky one-