2019

2019 New Year's Eve was one of the best I've ever had.
A simple gathering with friends that will never give up on me even they found someone better.
I actually felt that I can start new. A brand new chapter and that i survived the worst.

Hope, a peculiar thing.
use correctly, can make the blind see and the crippled walk.
Hope, can also cause the happiest person on earth to die of heartache.

Yet, I love playing with fire.
I welcome you hope, once again in my life.
2019 is all about changing my perspective on life.
my only resolution is to be a happier me.
letting go of toxic people.
I feel empowered to not let losers hurt me, take advantage of me anymore.
The worst had passed.
New year, a whole new page, a clean slate.

Starting new doesn't mean that I can forget Jay.
I still miss him, God knows how much I wish to hold his hands again,
to see him smiling at me on his bike.
to listen to him sing just for me and our inside jokes.
God knows how much I wish to have him pulling my head close to his chest.
falling asleep listening to the sound of his steady heart beat.
It's never gonna happen again I know.
Memories.
and memories that i shall carry to my grave.
Truth, I know no matter how hard I pray or try or cry nothing is ever going to make him change his mind or break this spell.
Truth, I know it is almost impossible to be happy like I used to be when i had him.

Truth, I am strong, therefore I will force myself to survive even without him.

You can only wish for a love so strong.
someone that is willing to be with you to hell and beyond.

but i am not going to put my feelings forward anymore,
been using memories of Jay to wear off any feelings I have for anyone.
been using memories of Jay to end a bad day at work, always telling myself that at the end of the day,
just maybe, maybe he would still be standing there, waiting for me like he used to.
maybe just maybe those memories of him making me laugh will make my bad day slightly better.
or maybe I am just crazy.

so i had a dream about this person last night,
and today, he texted me a picture of himself,
finally a normal text in a very long time.
but
Do you know what is sad?
It's when your entire mind heart and soul wants to believe that this actually means something,
truth is, there's really nothing to it than just pure coincidence.
so you have no choice but to kill all hopes,
no choice but to use each and every fiber in my body to push the thought out from my head.

I survived the worst part of 2018.

-let's hope that 2019 will be good to all my sedih gurls-