I have been thinking of what to write for a few days now
Funny thing to have the urge to write, but have nothing to talk about and a lot happening.
So I decided to revisit old videos and pictures of Jay.
I know. I am messed up.
I have been visiting them often to be honest.
They make me feel grounded. safe. kinda happy to see the old me and him.
The idea of watching old videos of us reminds me how it felt to be in love.
I am not obsessing over him or anything but it sort of help me think and not falling for anyone.
I wanted someone to be there for me to guide me.
Lead me out from this tunnel.
Guys are still coming and going from my life. It's becoming mundane after a while.
So I went for a tarot card reading not long ago.
Apparently, I was right God hates me and is fooling with my relationships.
No wonder all the guys that approached me seems interested at first but changed drastically when i blinked.
God is playing a sick game called "I shall give you happiness. HAHA kidding. FUCK YOU bitch, imma take it away now."
Seems like he is also fooling with my career, I get rejection emails after each and every "promising" interview.
To be honest I am good for now, I mean God can fool with my relationship, not looking for anything serious.
All the hopes that I had in my heart to believe in true love died long time ago.
I am really just having fun, wasting my time away (jobless)
But I am happy, at least I won't get cranky going out from my house.
I am making new friends.
having the courage to block toxic people out from my life. I am so glad i did.
Life is good.
sometimes i do miss having someone to discuss and make decisions like "what to eat" or just be mature for me with me.
yet. Life is good.
I told you i was right all along, I knew something was wrong between me and God.
The card says God is freaking pissed with me.
If God hate me still in my next life, I'd do all these again because all of these makes me who I am now.
We are strong. All my sedih gurls out there, we've got each other.
Even life comes crushing me down, no matter how much this divine power "God" try to break me bend me.
I am going to bounce back up, who cares if it happens after a lot of crying and struggling and eating.
makes me stronger. I refuse to believe that I have "bad luck" because life is good.
My dad told me "you star is always shining very bright."
and i truly feel life is good.
-I am proud of all my scars and all the weight that I've gained. -
