Walls

Have you ever feel that you never belong to this world.

This world that you are living in.

This world that you can't fit it. 

This world that I never belong to.

This world that spins clockwise.

This world that works only based on labels, judgement, status. 

What are we?

Have you ever sit down and ask yourself. 

What are we?

Have you ever ignore the voices of the world and just listen to the voice of your heart that has been screaming just hoping that you would listen. 

Have you ever truly listen and stop making assumptions and judgments?  

Have you ever truly listen to the stories of our ancestors?

Do you truly understand?  

Have you ever wonder what made us all different?

This wall that we put up.

Is this stupid ignorant wall that we, ourselves put up, to categories, to separate, to divide and conquer.

The universe is limitless. It is infinite. 

Yet we are so small. So small that we are stuck in our own mind.

So narrow that we keep building walls between us inside of us. 

The separation the rich the poor. Religions and races. 

life is complex, 

why must we limit ourselves to labels, expectations that others put on to us? 

What matter most? 

Have you ever ask yourself what is wrong with the society? 

Who made "society"? 

Have you ever ask yourself who are you living for if it's not for yourself?

Have you ever really think about a world with no "walls"?

What would it be like when everyone is the same.

Have you ever ask yourself what is so different?

If I cut his hand and her hand and their hands. What is so different?

The color of our blood is the same.

There's no different.

We are all born the same. with a heart that beats for itself. 

We feel hate 

we feel hurt

we feel agony

we feel happy

we feel life. 

we feel feelings.

So why must there be a wall? What are we trying to separate? Why are we destroying our own kind?

You have a choice to go against the green. 

If not now when?

If not me who?

You have a choice to change for a better future.

You have a choice to live a better life. 

You have a voice. 

You are more.

You are more than just a Chinese, a Malay an Indian. 

We are more than just a Buddhist, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Christian.

You are more than just thin, fat, tall, short, ugly, pretty. 

we are more than just poor and rich.

We are so much more than just race and religions, faces and status.

Together we can do wonder. 

Human unite. 

-you are even more than what you may think- 

Weekend Getaway

I love road trips.
I love driving to new places.

So I went to Sekinchan.

Sekinchan is somewhere near Kuala Selangor, about 1 and a half hour drive from Kuala Lumpur.
I drove down with few of my girls, to visit an old friend.

I have never been to that side of Selangor.
Away from the city.
Away from traffic and polluted air.
Away from responsibilities.
My weekend getaway.

Sekinchan is basically a small town. Where they have both beaches and also paddy fields.
Seafood there is exquisite.
I grow up all my life eating seafood, and yes the seafood there taste like home.
I remembered reaching my friend place and the first thing I felt when i got out from my car was the wind.
Oh the salty sea breeze.
I can feel it flow through my hair and my nostrils.
My first breath there was already welcoming.

We went on a fire fly river cruise.
The atmosphere was peaceful. with crickets singing and mosquitoes sucking our blood.
Everyone on the boat was quiet in pitch black anticipating, watching the fire flies flicking their lights on trees.
Trees along the river sparkled like Christmas trees.
Like stars on the milky way.
I once again realised that beautiful things don't last long.
All the fire flies that were dancing the night away will be all gone in the morning.

Of course we went for food hunting.
Tried various types of seafood and the biggest satay stick ever.
and the night end when we cuddle to bed.

The next day was fun.
Woke up late.
Went to a seafood place that was awfully packed. Worth the wait tho.
After the feed.
The adventure begins.
We went to the beach.
It's funny when the name of the beach reminds me so much about Terengganu. "Pantai Redang"
Unfortunately.
The beach was filthy. A bit of disappointment.

Lucky my dear friend safe the best for the last.
She brought us to the paddy fields just few km away from the congested beach. The beach was definitely a let down compared to the paddy fields.
I guess my vocab is just insufficient to describe the paddy fields.
The sky connects with the golden field.
Good that I took tons of pictures there.
Got a few good shots.
I even tried eating grains.
Tho my friends think that I am crazy for doing that. But who cares.
We ran like little kids. Chasing each other, laughing and screaming.

This makes me wonder.
Why can't we just stay here.
Yes, this exact moment.
Why do we need to pack our bag and head back to the city at the end of the day?
How can it be so different? Sekinchan is only about 20 - 30km away from the city. How can they be so different?

So. the sun sets. and it ended my weekend getaway.
I seldom write about my trips.
but i guess, this trip is worth writing about.

-till we meet again,- 

 

What would happen if we broke up

After a series of chaos and drama in my life.

It has come to a point where my mother wants to meet him.

we don't know what is the outcome. 

I can't even predict. So i will think the worst of it. 

What would happen if we broke up.

1. I will probably be depressed as fuck. 0 self esteem.

2. Lost all my appetite. 

3. I would probably hate everyone around me. Blaming everyone for the breakup. Other people in my life would probably be happy. This is what they want, and this is the sacrifice they want. 

4. I wont smile anymore.

5. I will spend most of my time hiding in my room.

6. I will probably cry my eyes out.

7. I will just waste life away.

8. I will probably cling onto the things that he given me.

9. Probably need to force myself to delete all our pictures and videos of him. 

10. I will talk way lesser. 

11. Probably will think of committing suicide but will change my mind because it is a stupid idea. (or maybe i will do it. Who knows?) 

12.   I will be crying to every single song we sang together.

13. Lots and lots of crying

14. Life will be empty.

15. My phone will be so quiet. 

16. I will probably write more blog post. 

17. Maybe get myself a cat. 

18. Still hating everyone tho. 

19. probably dying from starvation and starting to eat more than usual. 

20. I will probably be like a zombie. 

21. Driving in my car is a torture.

22. Waking up every morning thinking to give him the usual morning call but i probably shouldn't. 

23. hating myself for myself. 

24. I will probably be single with 10 cats.

25. I will start talking to myself.

26. Sleepless nights and horrible nightmares. 

27. life is a living hell

28. I will run away. Yes, just run away. 

29. Run away to a place so far where nobody can reach me and control my feelings.

30. or i will just stay and function like a robot, so that everyone is happy for my sacrifice. 

31. Maybe i will just waste life away. or quit my job or move away.

32. I think breathing will also be difficult for me. 

33. you will slowly see the light in me fade away. 

34. It has come to point where there's no use hating people, and people getting sick of me being depressed.

35. I probably should go seek help. 

36. or i will give up my basic human rights and just let them arrange everything. 

37. everything will probably be black and dull.

38. still hating people. and maybe don't believe in love anymore. 

39. Start to have doubt in everything.

40. clueless.  

I can't think of anything positive to write. not a single one. 

What is so wrong about being in love with the person i love?

What is so wrong about being in love with a Malay guy?

Money is important, why don't you trust us that we can build our future together?

If religion is something good why would it affect my relationship with my family? 

If there's a God somewhere, and God is Love. why are we suffering from this?

Suffering just because we fell in love. 

Everyone is telling me what to do and how to feel.
How can you tell a person how to feel?
The way they say it is so easy as tho i have no feeling of hurt.
The way they say it is as tho i never loved him and our love is cheap.
The way they say go chase your dreams. Is as tho he is not part of my dream.
They way they don't make him your source of happiness as tho they have never been in love.

Talk is cheap. You are not me. You will never know how i feel. how i see things.
Yes, i love getting advice and love from other people.
at the end of the day, do you really know how i feel?

You may say I am stupid I am dumb a dreamer unrealistic. If love is a joke. Why do we even love? Why am i feeling things? or am i delusional? Why it hurts so bad. so bad to let him go? As if it is sucking every single piece of life out of me. 

I am not a demanding person. I just wan't to be with the guy i adore and love. 

What is so wrong when i know he loves me back too. 

If you say i am stupid to make him part of my life, you probably haven't been in love before.

If you say that I have my family and I should sacrifice for them, then why do we have feelings?

Why do we need to find life partners and fall in love?

If you say that i am desperate and useless and I can't live without a man, why God created  Man and Woman? 

  

-Who gives who the right to say he is not the right one for me?-

I am FAT

I really shouldn't be doing this but. fuck it
just hope that my boss is not secretly reading my blog.
I used to blog at work during the dark times.

That is only during the dark times.
too much emotion.
too much work load. This is the only place that i can channel all my emotions where no one is gonna screw me because i talk too much.

so. We had this conversation last night.
about not going public about our relationship.
I am absolutely cool about not putting relationship status on facebook.
I am sometimes insecure.
Oh. no. I am an insecure bitch.
Things got pretty uncomfortable.
Yet we manage to put out the fire.
Good Job to both of us! :)

I honestly never ever thought that my body.
me being fat is an issue to anyone.
Like seriously? You ain't supermodel too you know. Who the fuck gives you the right to judge?
Just get over it.

and i had that same old nightmare again last night.
I hate getting dreams like that.
No. I shouldn't call it dream, it happened.
That night was real. So real that it hit me badly.
I am such a drama queen.
But seriously, It still haunts me every now and then.

So now, the temporary solution to avoid anyone getting hurt is to not be seen together.
Oh yes. can't believe I am doing this. guess i really am in love with this ass hole.
and because I know. our relationship is so much more than that.
So much more than being teased by stupid brainless people.
so much more. so why should we even consider what they say?
Why can't we take it as if they are farting or barking?
they are shallow.
you know you are so much more than that.
you are so much better.

And the mother of solution is me losing all these base.
yes. Losing weight. No matter how hard or how much i try.
I still come back to ground 0.
Lord knows I've tried.
Trying to be positive.
I am doing this for myself.
Yes. this is like my life goal.
Imagine meeting Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson.

you know. my friends are not as skin deep as yours.
but there are still so many things that i am being judge for
no, i am not going to point out your flaws because that is not what you are  made of.
It is because i know this relationship
it is because you are not what they think

and it is because i know you love me.


FOCUS. ACHIEVE. TARGET.
FAT.

Space and Time. Me.

I am living in my own world. Always was.

After what happened few months back, my life now is like a dream.

sometimes i doubt myself. Is this reality or am i hallucinating. 

Living between space and time.
Having you in my life is already almost impossible. 
You loving me is just beyond any words, any love letter, any love poem, any romantic comedy. 
None can describe the feelings that i have for you and never want to let go.

Well, all good thing comes with a price.
you, especially, A price I can barely afford. 

We know our problem. we know.
So today I will talk about this huge part of my life that i rarely want to admit to be a problem.
Honestly, I am a self absorbed person.
Yes I am. I feel that i am beautiful, yes there's nothing wrong with feeling beautiful.

There's just one huge problem. I am a very BIG girl. and by big i mean, my shoulders are freaking broad. and my legs skinny. 
My back fats (flabby and flabbo) and huge boobs, my body builder arms. My broad broad shoulders.
Basically my body is a upside down triangle. 

in short layman's term. I am fucking fat. 

So one day, I decided to feel skinny, to want to go support him on the field like any normal skinny girl friend would. Unfortunately, i was so happy in love i forgotten about other people's perception on me.
Then, he became the laughing stock. then he became the joke. then he got hurt. then i got hurt. 
In the end. we got hurt. i was frustrated. I was confused.
Then i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy all this while. 
He made me feel so confident and good about myself that i never thought other people's perception would hurt him so much.
I never thought that i would face this thing. this stupid childish shallow thing anymore.
only then, i realised, i was living in space, in fantasy land. 

Since that night, that confession, that unforgiving, undeniably cruel truth. 
I stop hanging out with his friends. we stop meeting his friends together,
then, during nights like this, i would feel so worthless. so ugly and horrible so sad so depressed.
monster that haunts me years and years ago, sucking away all my confidence and happiness 

But i understand, this doesn't mean that he don't love me. 
I can't be selfish and only think for myself, he don't deserve this shame.
being with me is like bringing shame to his reputation among his friends.
This is just cruel reality.

That was the price i had to pay. that was the price that i am struggling to pay.

Maybe not him. maybe if i were to fall in love with some random Chinese guy the same thing would happen.
This is just reality. 

I work hard. yes i do.
The process is long.
He said he will never be ok unless everyone's blind. 

Yes it hurts. every single word hurts.
it hurts even more when i knew he had to face his friends.
Their endless fat jokes.
Their endless shaming. 
His reputation.

This is the price i had to pay.
and yes. honestly. my heart is broken into thousand pieces. yes i am sad. and yes i cry every night before bed hoping that i was born skinny and pretty.

Yes this is all fucked up.
I feel like Quasimodo the hunch back of notro dame.

But I love him. He loves me.

there's nothing we can do.
no wonder for him, we are fragile.
for him this relationship will crumble anytime.
for him, he has no confident in this relationship. 


But i love him.

Love.





he wrote me a song. 

reality is just too complicated for a simple human like me. 

This is a weekend blog

What to write on a weekend blog?

and here i go after a month of not updating anything.

Can i just be naked all day and lie on my bed.

Listening to sexy songs all day long.

eating cachos 

eating nachos

eating all day long.

The fountain of inspirations and words for blog had dried up

no matter how much i tried to squeeze.

nothing.

not a drop of idea.

maybe i am living a life that is so empty that i have absolutely nothing at all to write about.

or am i living in a life that is so fully with schedules and routine that every day is just the same to me.

or life itself is nothing when i had to cut my hair and change my name. 

It's time for an adventure.

It was already a year after UK.

I need a life. 

What is life when you spend most of your time stuck in the jam.

working. doing paper works

eating lunch

stuck in the jam again

cursing yourself for stupid decisions

going to the gym to sweat the fuck out just to be accepted.

going home thinking what to have for dinner.

sleep. sleep is the only escape. 

i hate getting nightmares that i cant explain.

I hate getting nightmares that are just memories of the past.

I hate getting the feeling again of the night you pushed me away.

well, damn, it a weekend blog.

feel like taking a shit.

It isn't fair to compare someone's life to someone else's life. 

I am grateful for what i have. just complaining about the life i am having

and how i wish i could just run.

and escape.

 

-hold my hands, lets go for an adventure baby-

31.08.2014

With every death comes with a new born.
Every end of a life comes with a new life.

31 August is significant to me in so many ways.
It's my birthday
It's the day my great grandmother passed away
It's Malaysia's national day.

Everyone say that I am lucky and "special" to be born on that day.
fact is, i never felt special. it's not like i have extra pair of hands or anything
It's just like any other birthdays.

My birthday this year was fun. way fun.
I am tired of huge parties, crowds, alcohol and loud music.
I appreciate spending with my family the one i love.
Went Seremban on my birthday, and i got the best gift i could ever ask for, a small little birthday card made by my cute little cousins.
The last time i received an actual birthday card was years ago.
and they draw, colored it with cute stickers. what more can i ask for?

The best part was all of them sang birthday songs. oh the voice of little children singing is like angles from heaven.

I was in UK last year when she passed. I was in UK last year when i celebrated my 22nd birthday.
time flies.
I really don't know what to feel.
I am confused, and mad and sad and happy. emotions, overwhelmed.

I miss her. i definitely do.
I hate that she did not say good bye.
and why must it be on my birthday?
This is a curse, a day that i would never ever forget.

Being 23 means I am one year older.
Not much changes tho.
I am the same old yoke, except more responsibilities.


So, the day went by, like any other day, like any other day would past.
the day still went by despite it's Malaysia's National day.
despite it's my birthday.
therefore. I conclude there's nothing special about being born on this day.
therefore, birthday means celebrating with love ones, not get drunk and crazy
therefore, i miss you more, and more each day.

I remembered celebrating your birthday.
I remembered that smile of yours.
I remembered every single fucking thing.
I hope you do too.

-i still love you like I did last year today-  
-Happy Birthday Yoke-

City Streets

I did not commit suicide.
No self destruction what so ever.
I am still here.
Minus the major depression
Minus the inspiration to write.

It was only recently, just recently the urge to write was so strong, how can I ignore this sacred calling.
Internet connection at my new place sucks. shit. damn you P1. damn you.

I love watching street performance. I guess it was in me all along. all this time, until we,
yes we came across this place.
How did we came across this place?
Was it coincidence or was it planned. I don't know.
It happen one night, when we were randomly strolling down the city streets,
then, we heard music. clear loud music, since then, that was our favorite place.

What i know is once I'm there, I don't ever wanna leave, it was beyond magical.
Not all of us understand,
not all of us feel the way we felt,
the ambiance,
the people,
the music especially.

People from all stages of life,
from all kind of society, gather for the same purpose - music.

They, the street performers,
human by day, when the night come the monster in them, unleashed.
You will never expect the music they play.
They are so passionate, it is as though when they perform, they submit them self completely,
body, mind, heart and soul.
Their music is genuine, their music is pure, their music is sincere.
from the song they play, you can obviously feel that they did not do this for money. They are in paradise.

At this moment, I feel we are not so different after all,
we are the same, we are equal.
The love for music.
the sound of the guitar, drum, bass, vocalist serenade us.
This is not Kuala Lumpur, this is beyond what the city claims it is.
This is the city I live in. The city that gather people from everywhere.
The city that makes us one.

The ending of a story is always the beginning of another.
I am the story writer.

Yes, I still love him like I love writing.


-feels good to write again- 

Disaster Day 20. War has ended.

Day 20

Went busking with you yesterday.

All those memories.about us.
It was fun at first.
but
you put up that wall all the time.

It really hurt me.
a lot.
how can you be cruel and feel nothing when we go to our favorite place together?
how can you do this to me?

I love you so much. so much.

Sometimes  i feel, it's time to let go.
If you feel nothing towards me but friends, and there will never be a chance of us getting back.
please let me go and stop giving me hope.

I really need you.
all you gave was, nothing.

I don't understand what is it to be afraid.
I promise you I would change.
I really promise you.

I just need you to give me a chance. Why is it so difficult.
If you feel that this 6 months is nothing and you feel that our love is so weak that one small thing like that can destroy it. then, just let me go.


Day 20. The war has ended. No use fighting for what's not worth it.
No use fighting for you anymore
No use fighting for people that will never appreciate me.

You will always have a special place in my heart 杰。
I love you. I still do.

Disaster Day 19

Day 19

you said 12 more days and it's a month since we broke up.
can it not be?
:'(

It all feels the same doing the same thing we used to do.
For me at least.
But you. You put that wall up all the time.

Yesterday was more than intense.
Don't you feel it too?

I wonder what are you waiting for.
Who are you waiting for.
What am I to you?

I will never believe you if you say you feel nothing but just friends.
:'(


I miss you. 杰

Disaster Day 18

Day 18

I just want you to know that no matter what other people think about you
say about you, judge you.
I don't care. I know the real you.
The one deep down in there.
I don't care what mean things they say.
I don't care.
all the shit things that people say about us about you, I'll just pretend that they are barking.

I believe in you. You are not what they think.
You are so nice and smart.
Kind and funny.
Sharp and talented.
no body can love like you.
That are the things I see in you.


I just want you to know that even every single person in this world don't trust you,
please know that I am here.
I will always be on your side. no matter what.

People call me stupid call me dumb. I don't care.
I just hope you see me the way I see you
and love me back like you used to.

:(
not, just as friends.
I want to be your friend, your partner, your shoulder to cry on, your cuddle puff, your life.
I want to be yours and you mine.

You don't need to be afraid. Let me protect you now. I will protect you.
I am not them. They are bitches that broke your heart, I will never ever let them touch you not now not ever.
I won't do any thing that will break your heart anymore. I swear.
You can trust me. You know that.
So give me your hands. Let me hold on to them, lets start again, moving forward, this time, together forever.

Come back to me.

I love you. Always.

Disaster Day 17

Day 17

Went karaok with friends yesterday.

It was fun.
but. nothing is fun without you.

I miss our karaok sessions
and i would be your number 1 fan.

I miss you singing and looking me in the eyes.

I have not much to say.
just hope that someday you would come back to me.

you said you miss me yesterday.  I wonder is it true?


:(

it kills me.
You don't know I am blaming myself everyday.
Every single fucking day. All I'm thinking is all my fault all my fault I am going crazy!

Every fucking seconds for what had happened 17 days ago.
How long do you wanna see me suffer.?

Please. Come back to me

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 16

Day 16

I'm such a trouble to everyone.
I hope that I can get my car soon.

Like real soon.

Yesterday was as calm.
We did text.
You were all funny and cute

I really wonder why are you waking up late this whole week?
Why are you so tired?
What did you do after our phone conversation?
I just block out any negative thoughts of you.

I block it all out. I want to trust you. I don't understand why.

I am really getting use to giving you space. Wishing that you would miss me more.
Sadly you only miss me a little. :(

I miss you.
I hate to say this but I need you back.

Come back to me soon :')

I love you 杰

You are all of them combined. 

Disaster Day 15

Day 15

Same old unproductive day yesterday.
It really suck shit not having a car.
people despises you.
All those trouble just because of me.

I hate myself.
I hate the car stealing low life fucking shit face son of a bitch.
Can he die? Please die a horrible death. Please die a horrible death and no one is there to claim the body.

You were so mean to say it's a lesson for me.
Well you are not 100% wrong. :(
You stupid wall is still up.
:(

It was raining like hell yesterday after work.
Had to wait for cab under the rain.
I was about to go home, but then, i changed my mind.why not?
I went to you.

It's our little tradition that I would always go to you whenever it rains.
and we would sit in my car, waiting for the rain to stop.
and we would listen to music, play games.
raining hugs and kisses are the best. I miss them. I really miss them.

You were happy. I think. You smiled. :)

Yesterday was dull as usual.
I feel color fading from my life.
I miss our crazy adventures.
I miss our little missions to find for food or shops or just somewhere new.
I need you back, partner.

I need you. Please come back to me soon.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 14

Day 14

2 weeks since you left me.
Felt like it has been months or even years. painstaking days :(

Yesterday was as dull as before.
took full public transport to work.
am I pampering myself too much?
got used to having a car. taking public transport seems like a pain.

I was weird you asked me why did i start jogging.
I thought you wanted me to have my own life?

besides, running makes me think more, i can see things clearer.

Had long phone calls with you yesterday.
planning for our next road trip.
This is fun.
until you mentioned him.

Why do you need to mention him and spoil everything?
Why?
Yes, it's my choice to go meet him that night.
There's no explanation for what I've done, i just needed someone to comfort me and he seem like the right person that time.

and yes it's your choice to chose her first before me, 
and it's your choice too to hurt me before. 
It's also your choice to let her into your life. 
It's your choice to make her fall in love with you. 
It's your choice to "help" her with her shit that has nothing to do with you.
It's your choice to push me away and pull her in. It's your choice. 

Yes, I met him but i did not push you away, i did not chose him. 
Yes I met him but all i can think about was you, you. 

Where were you when i was crying and trying to pull you back to me?
Where were you when i was crying and shivering inside out?
Where were you when i needed you the most?
Where were you when i needed hugs?
Where were you when my car went missing and i needed you with me?

Where were you when i want to get back?
Where were not there when i need you.

There's no reason for me to go back to him.
You know how much i love you.
You know how much i want you back.
You know nothing happen between me and him.
You know I can get back to him by just one phone call, but i am not going to do it because i know you are the one for me.
You know. I can, but I won't ever see him again.


you wanted me to trust you. so where is your trust to me? 
do not put me in the same place as your exes. i am nothing like them. they are nothing like me.
they will never, can never love you as much as me. 

I need my partner back. I really do.
where are you?
come back to me soon.

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 13

Day 13

This is probably the happiest day of all the days.
Although I miss our lazy Sunday mornings.
our Sunday morning songs.
our Sunday late late lunch.
our Sunday drives
our Sunday starbucks.
our Sunday.

Spent most of the day with my sisters.
Sunday well spent. :)

Thought of a game both for us.
tiny little couple quiz.
i knew you would love it.
you loved that game.
can't deny i'am a genius.

we met.
you wore the shirt i gave you.
looks good on you.
really good.
It wasn't complicated at all last night.
Everything was, just nice.
Oh your smile. I miss it. I really do, and our silly inside jokes.

I miss us just sitting at the bench, giggling away.
that simple happiness with you. That is more than enough to make me happy.


I was basically squeezing the life out of you before.
I apologize for that.
Something just clicked in me, and i thought. this is nice.
giving each other space.

I mean i don't need to rush back from work all stressed up just to meet you.
and you can spend your time with your friends.
This is nice. I wonder why do we rush so much before this?
are we too excited to meet each other?
are we nothing thinking straight?

but, that wall you put up, that freaking wall to your heart.
I promise i will kick it down one day, like i did before.
It is so obvious that we know each other so well.
I was right when i say "you are mine and I am yours. Always"

Please remember the 5 things you love about me. and the 5 things i love about you.
Was it the reason we fell in love at the first place?

why can't we fall in love again?

I still miss us holing hands and you kissing my hand.
We are a team. both of us inseparable. I need my partner back. :(

so please.

Come back to me.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 12

Day 12

My day wasn't as good.
Yes we texted and chat.
But you were cold.
as if you don't wanna open up to me.
everything is back to square one.

you don't need to be afraid. It is so obvious that I want to change this.
this relationship pattern.
I am working hard on it.
I know you will see it one day.
You will see how much I want to get you back.
It sucks when I am stuck in here, and your world keeps turning.

Last night was awesome.
:)

I finally realised how it feels to meet new people.
for a second, i thought. maybe, just maybe i can forget about this.
maybe i can let this go.

just move on, if this is want you want.
but every time. you pulled me back.
and the thought of losing you forever swallows me.

Honestly, I am starting to feel afraid for myself.
am i going to hurt myself more?
should i give up?

The only thing i am holding onto now, is that smile of yours and memories of us.
come back to me.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 11

Day 11.

Yesterday was the only day that not one single tear fell from my eyes.
Feeling good. Doing good? I hope so.

Yesterday was, nice, I can say peaceful.
like the aftermath of tsunami.
peaceful and ruined beautifully in it's own way.

Had heart to heart conversations with people around me.
I am trying to learn and absorb so much.

Yes I will be a better women, girlfriend, partner, daughter, worker, wife, mother, friend.
updated each post with pictures and memories of us.

:)

well at least if we didn't work out, i'll still have these to remember.
at least they are all i really have to hang on to.

Memories.

It's going to be 2 weeks soon, yet i still can remember the pain like it was yesterday.
I don't feel it as much anymore now.

but it's still there.
yes it's there.

You sang yesterday night. After so long
I've taken so many things for granted.
I was so used to it that I never really show appreciation.
sorry.
I love it when you sing. Your voice is the serenade of my soul.

just come back and take me away again.

I love you 杰

Disaster Day 10

Day 10

What are we?
The first thing that pops up in my mind.

Was I dreaming?
spend the day in office doing absolutely nothing beneficial. unproductive day.
not having a car suck shit!
god.

However, I did get my confirmation, so that's good news :)

Shared the news with you. You were still, you.
well, i guess it's really hard for you to let it go.

We were texting all day, I love that, makes me really happy.
It does.
Boy, I wish you know how much of an impact you have on me.
You make me so happy by just one smile of yours.
See I have, I will always love that sun shine smile of yours.

It's over with him. I told you.
Deep down, you know. You trusted me.

Last night was. Magical and miracle. wonderful like the fireworks before 4th of July.
I hope you felt what i feel.
Feeling so strong, lasted for so long.
I won't forget the day we 1st met.
You and your smile. :)
I really. really hope you felt it.

I believe deep down that tar covered heart, there's till some humanity and feelings left.
I trust you because you always say "I know what I am doing."


I am confused by so many things. but.

I am not going to cry for anything and anyone anymore.
My mom thought me to be a survivor, not some silly girl crying over boys.
I am fighting and doing this for us, because i still love you, so much. so deep. so dearly.
I am changing to be a better person for us because I see there's still hope.
I will do all I can to maintain this relationship because I love you.

until one day. when i see, there's nothing left to fight for, i guess i'll stop.
Maybe someone better out there is waiting for the new me. and that time, i swear i will never make the same mistake twice. and that time, that someone will not let me go this easily.


I cannot promise you how long will this last. But i can promise you, as long as i love you, i will fight.

come back soon.

 I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 9

Day 9

Woke up to your text from last night.
Saying that you lost the bet.

You slept late watching football, I knew you couldn't wake up to work.
Purposely want you to sleep more.
I couldn't sleep well too. Thinking of last night.

The exhibition at KLCC was hectic.
I just couldn't stop thinking about that night.
The good part of it.
made me missed you more.

I wonder what are we right now?
It's not right to push you for answers, i am not going to do that anyway.
I'll just let things fall into places on their own.

It has been too long since we last talked on the phone before bed.
It was nice in a way.
and sad too.

you were. Cold.
so cold that i wonder, when can i ever, what can i ever, how can i ever really melt you heart?
am i not good enough?

I cannot undo what I've done, but I promise you I am learning so much and I would never do that anymore.

But. you are a paranoid ass hole, stubborn, having trust issues. I really wonder, who hurt you this much and made you, you.
What did they do to you.



All you thought about last night, all day were things that I've done that you weren't happy about. What about the things that you did, that hurt me so much, so deep? Think about it.  


  I love you 杰

Disaster Day 8

Day 8

I was still crying when they asked about us.

You were still the same.

But I'm glad that we met and had nice and comfortable conversation.  Until I mentioned him.

I guess I prefer to be honest to you rather than lying and hiding the truth.

I want you back. Yes I do.
I met him just because I needed someone to listen to me after what happened.
You were so cruel never giving me any second chance.

I want you back. Yes I do.
That is why I told you the truth.

I want you back. Yes I do.

Truth is I love you.
Truth is even what had happened between us I still love you.
Truth is no matter what who how other people get involved trying to take away our relationship my feelings towards you will never ever change.
Truth is I miss you so much I wish you feel what I feel every single fucking day.
Truth is I wished that you have more feelings.
Truth is for me you are worth it.

It hurts when you said you read my blog and what you feel is. Nothing.
You tar covered heart ass hole dick head.
How could you.
How could you feel nothing and I feel so much?


And you said you loved me
And you said you loved me
And you said you loved me.

Truth is. I can't live without you in my life everything is just not the same anymore without you.

Everything is so lifeless so dull without you.

Please come back to me soon.

I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 7

Day 7.

I can't believe it's already one week.
One week of suffering.
One week of feeling worthless and helpless.
One week of non stop crying and trying to act strong.

This is killing every piece of my soul.
I can't function without thinking of you.
memories of us are everywhere.

I wonder did your tar covered heart ever think of us.
maybe for a split second, maybe just for a second you think we still can work it out.
maybe you just feel like killing me bit by bit everyday.

I can laugh and be happy go lucky at work. but when the night comes.
I can't control. I miss you.

Somehow. I don't know why there's a voice in my head telling me to stop fighting.
But my heart says no. Hang on. He's worth it.

I guess I'll give this war a timeline.
after that I really need to pack up and go.
I will stop fighting and leave you alone.
If that's what you really want.


I tried chatting  with other guys. But it don't feel the same at all.
none of them are as funny as you, none of them are as crazy as you. none of them know me as much as you do. None.
I feel disgusting.

Maybe I am not ready for anyone else but you.
Deep down i hope that you still have feelings for me.

Still both of us know, you will never ever find another girl that loves you as much as i do.

I love you 杰 

Disaster Day 6

Day 6

Sunday was. Sunday.
I miss our Sunday mornings.

Woke up early, read your text. You are still firm with you decision.

I guess, there's no more love for me.
God i wish you can feel what I am feeling everyday.

Not a day went by without me crying.
Not a day went by without missing you.
Not a day went by without thinking of you.
Not a day went by without the urge to turn back time.

I thought I was getting better.
Went out with friends.
Ate good food, had fun chilling.
Yet, your shadows are everywhere.

I miss you. There's nothing more that i want right now. I just want to hug you like we used to.

I promised to fight for this relationship.
Everyone around me thinks that i am making a fool of myself.
I don't care what people say anymore.

for me. You are worth it.

Went for a jog last night just to get things off my mind.
I thought exercising makes me feel better,
But no.
I came back crying so much that i vomited.
Is it because of my period that i am so emotional.

I don't know. all i know is. I want you back. I will prove and fight for this.
To be a better person.
Even it means nothing to you. You said you don't care.

They told me to stop blaming myself for what happened, i can't.
I can't.

I miss you 杰 

Disaster Day 5

Day 5.

Meeting was insane at work. I was so exhausted. Gosh.
Kept my mind busy not thinking about you for a while at least.

Then my best friend ask me out for karaok.
I sang my heart out cried like a bitch.
I miss you so much. So much.

Avoiding all the songs that we used to sang together.  Avoiding songs that reminds me of us. But. I still cried.

I miss you.

We met last night. Things we better. At least we are having a decent conversation. You were firm with you decision.
What did I do to you until I don't deserve to be given any chance to change at all.

What happened was just a minor mistake that I sware would change.
You want to be friends. Getting friend zoned by you. Again.

Any how I made up my mind. I'm going to prove to you I will change and I will fight for you and this relationship. I don't care what other people say anymore.  I just know that you are what I really want.

Yes. You are worth fighting for.


I love you 杰

Disaster Day 4

Day 4.

I wasn't really happy or sad when I woke up. I guess I was feeling numb again..

But I feel like I can start my laptop again. The pain wasn't that bad anymore.

I can joke around with friends and colleagues.

Then. You texted me.
Boy. You don't know how much I missed talking to you. You will never know how bad it feels not to belong with you :'(

Had fun conversations.
Why do I feel like we are never getting back?
For such small thing it isn't worth it.
I want to fight for us. But please see that I'm fighting.

I never wanted you to read my blog. I write to ease my soul.
I love you. I still do. A lot.
It's so hard for me to get to this stage.


I really wonder. Have you got yourself a replacement :(


I miss you 杰

Disaster Day 3

Day 3.

Woke up feeling fairly positive.
slept alone with locked door. Good start anyway :)

Proud of myself.
was doing so good for the 1st half of the day.

Things were crazy at work.

Until. You ass hole bbm me.
Not to patch things back, you tore my healing wounds apart again.
That stupid text.
I wasn't ready to meet you. I couldn't.
How can you be so cruel?

Your heart must be covered by tars from the cigarettes. So black and thick. Your eyes, feelings blinded.

I can't believe I am this weak and vulnerable. How can a simple text from you affected me in so many ways.
I cried, again.
But I sure am lucky enough to have supportive friends and family. :)
Thank you for being there when I abandon all of you when I was living in my fantasy fairy tale.

Went swimming with my sister, had fun, real fun. Though the garden reminded me so much of us. It was the place we 1st met.

Maybe you thought of leaving me long time ago. I do wonder, is this just an opportunity for you to leave me? My heart says, "No"
Until today I still trust you in ways that I don't even understand. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Even though I am always telling you that "I don't trust you" but the fact is, I do. I know you.
Deep down that tar covered heart. Behind that smile.

Didn't eat much yesterday but i was able to finish my lunch :)
another good start.
I am always amazed by the fact that how two different people from totally separate life can come together and love each other so deep. But why do you need to end it this way?
I prefer you to talk me out of this relationship.
This relationship of us need closure. I need closure. It was so good to us, we need to end with respect.
Maybe getting back isn't an option anymore.

-just move on-

Disaster Day 2

Day 2

I woke up with a smile.
Day 2 was better. I can feel myself healing.

I feel like I can take on the world.

Tried to focus on my work but still can't seem to eat.

Day 2 was so much better. The pain seems to be lesser.

Had fun with my sisters singing my heart out, avoiding songs that remind me of you.
listening to advice and learning so much.

I really tried to kick your shadow. everything about you out of my mind.

Need to do more soul searching.
I slept alone with the door open tho.

I guess that's improvement.
Working on getting a new car.

-inject me with essence of positive-

Disaster Day 1

Day 1 of the collapse of my support system.

the same day my car got stolen.

The break up was bad and dramatic.
It was so sudden. so fast too emotional.

I was numbed. I couldn't spend the night sleeping alone. I had to sleep with my sisters.
I seek shelter. I was shivering.
He thought that giving back all the things i gave him means erasing all our memories. but he was so wrong.

I couldn't eat. I feel nauseous, I can't stop crying.
The sun has fallen. My world crumble. half of my soul gone.
Deleting pictures and videos of you in my phone means nothing.
I still miss you the same.

The fear of starting my laptop. fearing that i would accidentally click on one of our vids.

I tried begging wanting him back.
I guess. His heart just can't take me back anymore.
I can't stop crying.

Everything around me is you.
All of me.
The music, the food the place. you scent.
I miss his hugs. his jokes his voice. I miss him so much no words can describe how sorry I am.

I just wanted him to give me one more chance to make it right again. Just this one last time.
I told him I have learnt my lesson.
He wouldn't listen.
He acting so cruel makes me think that, did he ever love me?
was it as much as i did?
I said to not give up. He pushed me away. pushed away everything that we built.

If we ever got back together again. i promise to make this relationship stronger.
I promise not to repeat the same mistakes.

I am lucky enough to have friends and family to support me, to love me.
but
You promised not the throw me away anymore, but you still did.

I guess karma bites like a bitch.
-good bye-

Support system

knowing what I want in life is still a daily challenge.
living breathing waking up in the morning starts getting easier as the days gone by with you with me.

I have made you my support system. All these while I have been searching, for the piece that long missing.
For I have found you and you found me.

Yes, we have stupid fights. I call you ass hole. we made up, we fight again. Spending all the time with you. making me more vulnerable in the way that i need you more in my life than ever.

You are my support system. I just want to cling on to you. I've always said your smile is like the sun in so many ways.
Just one smile. one tiny little joke. you light up my day. No matter how bad my day is, you tend to have the magic to make me feel ok. 
Like, i can depend on you. 
like there's nothing to worry in the world.
like there's nothing out there for me to focus on except you. 
like there's nothing in the world that can call upon my soul except your voice. 

this explains why i always need to have you with me.
this is why only with you i feel free.

We had the most amazing time, going to arcades, having picnics, street performing our late night drives
even just spending time cuddling and watching movies means so much to me.

No matter how cruel and harsh you pretend to be, deep down under that mask, i know you. I know what you have for me. I know from that broken pieces of heart I can help you pick them all up and fix them back. 
You are all I want. 
Even we disagree on so many things, yet, there are so many other things that we agree on. We have the same vision for life. 

from everything that is bad about you, i want to only see the good side of them.

I am not sure about shit. You are the only thing that I am 101% sure.
I guess relationship is all about forgiving compromising and accepting each others.
Thank you for accepting my flaws, my snores, my craziness, my sudden mood swing.

There are times where we feel like giving up on each other, or even gave up. Sometimes I wonder, why should we?
It wasn't easy for us to finally have this bond, why break it? Why must we ruin this beautiful amazing relationship that we built?
I am still learning to control so much. and this is only so much i could do.
I am so sorry. for literary everything. 
Watching videos of you singing, that tiny sparkle in your eyes. As if you sing the song of my heart. serenade my soul.

I said, you are my life. always is, always will be. nothing can change that. 
I am writing this to repair whatever is broken, for me being selfish, for me to want more than you can give.
I can't promise you anything.
All i can promise is, you have me. 

Sorry for being so cheesy.
Sorry for not updating anything.

All i can say is there's only good times with you that I cherish so much that i don't want to share with the world.
I am selfish like that.
I love like that. 
I am insane, head over heels in love with this jerky ass hole dick head.
I love you noob. 


-Always- 

Wild hearts

Months since i clicked this link.

Waiting for me.

My fingers itching to dance on the key board like they used to so very long ago. 

The past few months have been magical. 

Chinese New Year was great, just like I expected.

Family time with the cousins. Eating lots and lots of food. 

being free 

Free from anything that would kill my freedom. 

laughing like there's no tomorrow. 

Work. Work. Work.

how can I ever love you? be passionate about you?

Expectations.

Achievements.

Pleasing people.

commitments. 

Walking gracefully, shoulders back chin up. wearing heels and skirts and shirts so tight so neat

make up on, the only thing that I am fighting to keep is my messy hair. 

I love my hair messy, the flow of it. 

I can barely recognize myself. 

Is this life? Is this?

the money, life and happiness, controversial conversation, discussions, arguments never stop.

I just want to run. Run away. 

run away with music.

run away with you.

each and every mistakes and scoldings and embarrassment i got from work just disappears when you are with me.

But. no one understands. all they ever see is the obvious difference. the outer shell that will never define who you are and who i am. 

That shallow surface is all they want to see. 

Funny, they knew treasures are buried deep under. 

Thank you for loving me the way you love  me. 

This cage. How can i ever breakthrough it?

My friends said I live for love. I live to love.

I love, to survive.

I will never get the happiness that I've always yearn for.

so now. Let me embrace life. let me go. 

-hearts are wild creatures. and you caught mine.- 

    

 

The past

Past.

Your past - your shadow.

Your shadow that I hate to even look at it.

The shadow that never seem to leave us alone.

Everything you do it seem to follow.

Everything you do, got to do with it.

I am selfish,

the fact that I am trying to accept your past is hard enough for me to swallow. 

The fact that your past used to hurt me so bad.

The fact that your past made you who you are today. 

The fact that I love you so much that I pushed everything down my throat.

The fact that it's so unfair that they got so much from you, and all I get is shadows. 

 Bits and pieces of them

memories of them still lingers 

the way that songs, places, things, cars, words, food, feelings that reminds you of them. 

the way you tell me your stories.

they are killing me each time. each time that you think of them when we are together.

Promises and lies.

there's no way, no body can change anything.

I'll just swallow everything alone.

This is going to be a lonely road.

and I'll walk because you are what I've always wanted. 

I put my past away, I thought, we are starting a whole new book.

I guess, you couldn't resist but to add some of your past in.

 

Your dark humor that I never understand.

You have no idea how much I hated the fact that she won your heart before I did. 

because of her,

You pushed me aside. 

You hurt me. 

because of her, i had to suffer alone. 

because of her, you have memories of her stuck in you.

because of them. 

It's just matter of time till I explode. 

I just need to let things out guys. 

call me dumb call me stupid.

call me blind.

then you came back. I welcome you with open arms. not knowing what will happen. 

because. I love you. 

-it's not just the heart, it's always the heart and physical pain- 

2014

What's the best way to end the year?  

Mine is, get a midnight kiss and to say good bye 2013, Hi 2014. 

I did not set any resolution this year. New year resolutions are for noobies! LOL
Nah. I'm just really comfortable in this stage of my life right now.

I got a job
I got a car
I got you.

what more can i ask for? Besides getting in shape? 
Well, being in shape is kinda like a whole life goal, i would not consider it as my resolution. 

Honestly, this year is totally different, I mean, new year, it's just another day.
Another day. another day. 
It's like any other day.
There's nothing like entering into a new time zone.

Maybe it's because when in school we change classes meet new friends, but this year, it's just. another holiday. 
don't get me wrong, this is not a depressing post. 
I mean, I do look forward for good things to happen. 
This is going to be an excellent year. :) I hope. 

and it's a miracle that i'm writing this without any music. 
just an open window with some evening breeze and the setting sun. 


Life is good. 
Change is good. 
I guess the only thing i really want now is to do better in my job.
Focus and break through. 
to love something that i never thought i would 
and to be comfortable with my new name new personality is really hard.

but life is just a theater. Let the best actress win. 
Looking forward to Chinese New Year. :) 
I miss my cousins, gosh i just want to hug, squeeze and kiss all of them.

there's this one thing that i hope will not happen to me, that is, no matter how lonely and weird i am. I do not want to spend new year eve or any festive season alone.

I will at least get myself a cat. or a puppy. or maybe a cat. :) 

and lebuh raya bermula. Lets race. 

-don't leave me, ok?-