feel anything?

I think i have forgotten how it is when singing love songs and feel it with my heart.
listening to love songs is never the same after you left.

Love songs to me now is just a bunch of fancy made up words mixed together
doesn't really make any sense.
I cannot compute romantic comedies. Total bullshit.

i tried to feel something, "pray" for something good, but my prayers were answered with pictures of mediocre, below average dicks.
i want the warm fuzzy feeling in my heart knowing someone I like misses me.
i wish you miss me for me, because I am funny and awesome.

i want to stop feeling like a fucking loser every time, being left out. 
i miss your hugs and how it feels to be in your arms, recharged, after a long day at work.

Your voice, singing me lullaby every night chasing all my nightmares away before they even start.

I am not even asking for another you, or to turn back time or for you to love me back.
just someone that love me enough not to leave.

i have forgotten how secure and safe when you cuddle me to sleep.
that funny way you say "I want to hug you from behind."

Stop telling me that someone will love me for who i am or i will find my prince charming.
Why don't you fucking be that someone and love me for all my scars, big or small, fat or even fatter.
Why don't you fucking stop asking me to date other people and date me instead.

I am tired of being numb acting like being in a relationship and love is a joke.
or maybe i should, because if this is what it is, i am 101% sure dying alone is what I was born for.



I chose to keep quiet and not do anything even though I am pretty sure I like you more than i should old man.
whatever i am feeling is going to die down.
we can be good for each other. you and i. let me be the crazy in your mundane life and you be the old wise man, the anchor for  my recklessness.

alas whatever is going on in my head is not reality and God hates me too much to give me any miracle.

so. how can i feel again?

so, what's next?

So, what's next?
I have been seeing, dating multiple guys for the past 2 years.
funny how all different individuals tells the same story with the same ending.

So, last weekend I met him, my favorite. It was our 2nd time meeting.
but of course we have been keeping in touch, occasionally and our random video calls.

He stood out the most, the top of my list.
because of the way he talks,
so cocky, so confident, so loud and sometimes obnoxious.
but he is passionate about life, super outgoing yet like spending time alone.
He is smart, wise and gave me some of the best advise.
He, I feel, is the type of guy you either like or hate.
I would consider him as an ass hole.
also the only person that I whispered "You are so hot." while making out.
Ironically I always go for ass holes. he knows.

I stayed over at his place, it was fun.
Talked a lot but still have so much to talk about.
He is not the most thoughtful person.
at least not to me, but nice enough to encourage me to be better.

So now, I achieved what I wanted, what's next?

my friend was excited to know if this time both of us got closer.
well, sorry to disappoint, again.
i feel secretly, i wish he'd text.
but we all know he wouldn't.
I for some reasons refuse to text him first.
I feel my heart crumbed a little when my friends feel sorry for me.


I really don't know what's next.
I have gone through all the guys that i like/interested and i have no one on my list now.
does it mean prince charming is around the corner?

I honestly, truly want to stop crossing out guy's name on my list.

-can I not cross out your name?-
- maybe this time, just be stubborn and stay will you?-
- or i probably should stop dreaming about you, yes. I should-