Saving myself

Other people will forever have their own opinions.
They are not me, they will never feel what i felt.
Everyone's break up story is different.
You can call me desperate, weak, self abuse.
You can call me anything but you will never ever feel what i felt.
You can judge however you want. you can gossip you can tell whoever you want.
I really don't blame anyone.

So let me tell you a story.

My parents were strict throughout my life. growing up there was no good cop bad cop in my family. They are always a team. relationship goals. no siding anyone but each other.
I did not have anyone or a shoulder to cry on after my grandma passed away.
so when I started to have boy friends they were the people that I would go to.
a shoulder. a hug. someone that would always stand on my side. back me up.
Again I am not trying to blame anyone. this is just my story to tell.

After Jay left i had no one. He left that basically killed me, crushed my spirit my whole will to live. It's like God banished me, swore to torture me.

It all started when I realised I can't sleep. No matter how hard i try, he was always lingering in my head.
His voice, his face, his smile.
That break up text. The way he said "I dah tak sayang you"
No matter how hard I try to erase or not to think about them, everything about us haunted me.
Being the eldest I do not want to appear weak. Parent's expectation. Sisters expectation.
I told them I was doing fine and that i needed time.
Fact is, I was dying inside. I cried myself to sleep every night. I cried on the way to work basically whenever I was alone. avoided all the songs that we used to sing, avoided romance movies.
I hated crying in front of people.
Weak. I told myself. I can't let them know.
I kept crying and praying to God to make all these feelings and emotions stop. Alas, no prayers were answered. till now.
I decided to self medicate. To save myself.
Thought about dying basically everyday, but I was held back. Maybe I didn't have the balls or the fact that I still love my family.
So I started self medication. I felt so much better, it helps with my depression and my panic attacks.
I met new friends. broken people like me, for once i felt belonged.

But the story did not stop there.
along my way I have met shitty ass hole guys
Guys that used me, took advantage of me, lied to me, left me hanging, opened up my eyes to the filthy part of the world.
They took and took and took till I have nothing else to give. no one ever really liked me.

even someone that once claimed to be my best friend and would protect me from all the shitty people hurt me, he was not serious with his life, made decisions that hurt other people without him feeling guilty. disappointed me, currently ignoring me.

and people said
"You are too easy."
"You are too desperate."
"Love yourself more."
I too blame myself.

They make it as though as only perfect people deserve to  be loved and broken people like me deserve nothing.
I tried to be better, love myself. distract myself. do the things i love. be alone. independent. talk to friends. talk to new people. quit my job. challenge myself.

along my way, friends that were once single became unavailable anymore.
Lesser time to hang out.
I did not want to disturb them with their new happiness.
I was once left alone.
I get it you know, people come and go.
I get it, i do.
but i am still sad.
where do i go now. where is my prince charming?
and so i self medicate. to numb my feelings. to numb my emptiness.

I don't think professional help can offer me the cure i need.
I know what i want. I want to be happy like i was 2 years ago.
I want to feel alive and have a purpose to live again.
but that will never really happen again right?

and they said "you have your family."
and yes. you are right. I know I am super fortunate for that. I am and i realised. but it will never be the same isn't it. the emptiness. this loneliness.
ironically people that are currently in relationship say "you dont need a boy friend you have friends and family."
makes me wonder who gives you the fucking rights to say that. I was alone when i have panic attacks, i was alone when i cry and desperately hoping for the pain to stop.

you can call me desperate a million times, but still can't change the fact that i know i will always need that shoulder to cry on that someone to hold my hand and that someone to stand by my side that once one that will love me like i loved him.

they make it seems so easy as though they feel my pain.
I wish i can transfer some of my pain.

along my way, i also realised that i wasn't as strong as i imagine. i let people take advantage of my kindness. this world is fucked up as it is.
I let people destroy me again and again.
I am broken. broke.

You can judge me all you want. I just wanted to be happy.

This is just my story to tell why I self medicate and yes, i was trying to save myself.
i will still continue to save myself.
mom, dad if self medicating is disappointing you i will stop. as long as you are happy.

and so now. all i can hope is, to get a job. and continue existing because none of my prayers wishes seems to be answered.
if this is not enough, well. i have gave my all. and this is what's left.

Once again, this is my story to tell, i am not blaming anyone for all the decisions I have made.

Sabah 2018

I am known for making irrational drastic decisions.
I am very emotional and passionate.
1 year ago, I decided to join one of my friend to conquer Mount Kinabalu.
Did not take me more than 5 minutes to think through.

and so after a month of training.
I realised that I am going on a trip with a group of other people that I do not know anything about besides the often ignored group whatsApp.

So, this interesting journey begins at the airport with a series of typical awkward "Hi I am Yoke." conversation.
10 of us with only 1 goal.

I stayed in my own bubble most of the time, observing mostly, language barrier.
Most of them spoke Cantonese.
My Cantonese sucks, I have the accent of a 3 year old child.
I listen most of the time trying real hard to be on the same page.
Yes, I have times that I feel like an outcast.

I was really hoping to get something out of the hike.
I was trying to make a statement to myself.
I wanna prove to myself that I am not worthless and i am strong.
I wanna think things through, perhaps after conquering Mount Kinabalu I can see things from a different perspective.
Perhaps be happier with myself.
Perhaps be less needy.
Perhaps being alone is not that bad after all.

The entire journey from Kota Kinabalu to Kundasang was interesting.
One of our rented car broke down in the middle of I dont know where, phone reception sucks and it started raining.

When we finally reached our accommodation, it was already dinner time.
Kundasang is cooling, I love it. It's like early summer time in UK.

We went to Desa farm, yeah the place that looks like New Zealand with dalmatian cows.
10 of us was in awe when we saw the magnificent Mount Kinabalu in front of us.
It was magical and mysterious with all the clouds and mists covering almost half of the mountain.
On our way back to dinner, God decided to bless us with an entire arch of colors. I was the one shouted "rainbow!"
Yes. We saw a full set of rainbow, during sunset. Our accommodation was located on a hilly slope, makes it even better.
What a blessing.

At night i sunk out for the moon and stars. I was alone with my phone in my pjs.
I just need to get the perfect picture of the full moon. We were looking at the same moon. I am sure of it.

The day came we were all ready. Getting our bags and having breakfast loading up carbs for the hike.
Our host, was the person that came bearing bad news. It felt like someone special ditched you in the middle of having candle light dinner when you are about to kiss.

The disappointment was overwhelming, apparently, the host was not able to get any of us permits for the hike.
We've booked the trip for the past year, just like "poff" all my hopes and dreams and goals and bucket list gone.

but this trip made me realised a few important points:
1. I could never date Chinese dudes, oh the communication, and mind set barrier is just so obvious. Ridiculous even.
2. Keeping my cool, for not rolling my eyes and flipping out when dealing with annoying people. Believe me, i try so hard not curse.
3. Getting out from my comfort zone.
4. but most importantly, "when you lose something, you gain something back in return."

I remembered one of my friend telling me, "it's not the destination, it's about the journey."
We definitely did not conquer the mountain of Gods but I did went on a awesome "Tip of Borneo" road trip for the most enchanted sunset even though our rented car decided to give us attitude again.

We saw a sea of green paddy fields along the way, they were softly swaying with the wind under the blazing afternoon sun.
It was scorching hot, but I enjoyed the wind, softly blowing in my face and hair, with the rustling sound of the paddy filed.
Birds flying under the peaceful blue sky. What a spectacular view.

We stopped by a river, dipped my toes into the warm, crystal clear water.
An old hanging bridge was right on top of the river just like the bridge to Terabithia.
I washed my face with the water, it was very refreshing, the water was untouched by pollution.

On the way back, it was pitched black due to the lack of lamp posts but we were once again blessed by a galaxy of stars, twinkling and dazzling like scattered moon dust under the night sky.

To be honest, I am glad that I met all of them, my new travel buddies, thou we are not always on the same page but I appreciate all the efforts just to make this trip better.

Well, did not make it up to Mount Kinabalu, but hey, I met people, made friends, ate delicious food, saw rainbows and sunsets and stars.
I need to stop giving out negative vibes.
I need to chose the life style I want.
I need to love myself more.

-life is really a funny thing-