Hospitalised

I was hospitalised for 3 fucking days.

11 January 2018
I had this weird pain coming from my stomach.
Never felt pain like that before.
Was I too hungry?
Truth is.
I was starving myself for almost 3 days.
Yes. I was.
I did't really eat. I drank coffee. tea. little bit of biscuits.
and honestly this have been going on for quiet a while now.
I never had to guts to admit it.
But yes. I was starving myself because I wasn't happy and also I don't know why.
Why did I starve myself for?
So, I went back home from work, chug whatever medication that I can find at home.
Ate KFC and drank whatever milk that was in my fridge.
Didn't really help I vomited every single bite of that spicy friend chicken.
I took God knows what medication again and this time, the pain stopped.
Did not sleep well but at least my stomach is not acting up.

12 January 2018
I got super hungry the next morning so i cooked myself a big pot of korean instant noodles.
believe me, it was a big pot.
Went to work. Forced myself to eat a subway sandwich and that's it.
Stomach was fine. so I thought. Cool. no big deal anyway.

13 January 2018
Got up a little late, didn't have time to eat.
Went to work had coffee and biscuits, ate honey stars cereals for dinner.
stomach was acting up a little after dinner, until I couldn't take it.
I was in so much pain that I had to excuse myself from work.
Went to the doctor. Told the doctor in tears that my stomach hurts.
Doctor said it was Gastritis.
Gave me medication.
I ate the medication right away.
chilled in my car before driving home.
Puked in the car while driving.
It was fucking epic. Luckily I found a random plastic bag in my car, so I didn't puke all over myself.
Trust me, it was so bad that i basically crawled back home.
Took extra dosage of the medication because I couldn't take the pain.
Stomach felt a wee bit better.

14 January 2018
Woke up ate a little, was my off day, basically chill day for me.
felt super bloated, drank warm tea, fucking fuck stomach started to act up.
This time it was so fucking bad, my back hurts I was sweating.
Called my parents and I was like, fuck this bull shit. I am going to the hospital.
Went to Columbia hospital, fucking hospital suck shit suck dick!
I don't fucking understand why did they even rent out the entire lobby for filming.
What the fucking fuck?
Come on there are other ways to raise money yeah?
and the staffs there was fucking unprofessional lousy ass slow poke.
got so frustrated, asked my sister to just leave that shit hole, wanted to go home and just die on my bed.
but sister dragged me to another hospital near by,
Went to Tawakal Hospital.
registration and also consultation was FUCKING LONG.
was admitted by the doctor, had panic attack cuz waiting for too long and I was fucking paranoid.
Finally got injection, stomach felt so much better.
can't really sleep, a lot was in my mind.

15 January 2018 
Doctor did Endoscopy. Found out I had gastritis no big deal. 
Friends came to visit me was really happy that they came. 
had long meaningful conversation with on of my buddy.
realised that i think i had a crush on him.
or was it the hospital?
Do i really like him? I wonder.

16 January 2018 
Doctor did ultrasound just to make sure he did not miss anything.
Found out that I have 2 tiny stones in my gallbladder about 8mm each.
Nothing to worry about yet. Discharged and need to see him in another 2 weeks.

I am so sorry that I didn't love myself enough.
I really need to thank my sisters for being there for me throughout the entire process.
Ohana. Family. Blood. 
I really need to take care of myself more.
Enough is enough. 
I was immature and stupid. 

Still trying to figure out my feelings for my mate but, was brutally friend zoned. 
I guess i better get over him, don't want to get hurt. 
Soon he will find himself a girl and I don't want to be crying because of that.

He is, the nicest, sweetest person. I honestly admire his talents, and the way he talks to his sister. 
I like the way we joke around, I love his smell.
Need to remind myself that, me and him impossible.
we are just mates. 

I want to be happy too. I honestly do. but I don't think he likes me the way i like him. 
so. I better get over this soon. 
Don't want to make things weird. 
mates will always be mates.
I learned my lesson.
I am sorry mom dad sisters.
I am sorry Fetty. I will love myself more.

-I am sorry Yoke. I love you.-

2018

Hey.
I am here to update my long over due post.

This year is so different. I was desperately planning for my new year eve.
I thought of partying and getting myself wasted so I won't remember shit.
I thought of just staying at home, crying till my eyes bleed.
I thought of so many things.
Every single time, us. How we used to be.
For the past 3 years, we spent new year together.
I didn't care where, as long as i was with you.
You were my first and last kiss for the year and next.
You were all I wanted. All we needed were each other.
You made me the happiest person alive. God damn it I loved you.
The fact that you told me "I love you" the night before and dumped me right after.
I love you. Every little flaws. Every little details about you.
I love you. Maybe I still do. I don't know anymore.

Well, we can't live in the past.

This year, I celebrated new year eve with my friends, we rented a posh villa had BBQ.
It was awesome.
to be really honest, I wasn't happy.
even before the party started I was hiding in my office toilet, crying.
I was crying so bad.
I didn't know why, all I know was, I was really really really genuinely sad.
I tried so hard to get out from the toilet, washed my face. Pretending to smile so that the whole world believed that I was Ok.

We had fun at the villa I tried to numb myself.
I honestly tried so hard to numb myself so that I won't feel shit.
We all went to the roof top, gorgeous KLCC view.
and fireworks. I love fireworks.
I stood there, with all my friends.
I thought of you of us.
No matter how much I tried to push it away.
No matter how high I was to numb my emotions.
I cracked.
I can't deny that I miss you. every single fireworks reminds me of us.
How we used to be.
This is for the longest time, my first new year as a single person.
I cried so hard.
My friends, oh my dear friends tried their best to hug me, kiss me, hold me.
It was so nice of them to love me when you wont.

I guess my heart died the next day.
I don't feel anything about you anymore.
completely numbed.
As if we never happened. I do think about you occasionally. Wondering if you are thinking about me too, but my heart stopped hurting because of you.
It stopped hoping you would come back.
It has been almost a year.
A year since I found out you cheated.

I am positive that 2018 will be good to me, to all my girls that were hurt, broken.
2017 was shitty. I have never felt like that in my life. I can't believe I was sad for a year. I allowed myself to free fall, life was a downward spiral.
I was crying almost every single day because of a boy that dumped me via WhatsApp right after he said he love me the night before.

It is all in the past now. We do not live in the past and I have no power at all to change the past.
2018, will be good.
I promise myself not to make stupid decisions.
Love myself more.
and also to run away.
I guess it is time for me to leave the city.
too much damage for the past year. I think, this time, I need to take a break.
I miss the ocean, the salty sea water the sun and sand.
I guess I need to be back to my roots for a bit.

I promise I will be back, stronger. Indestructible.

I still can't promise myself not to miss us or, what is left of us but I won't ever wish to the stars that you'd come back.
I love you. I guess I still do, but you are too selfish and stupid to know what love is.

I know there is someone out there perfect for me who understands and love, like I love you.
I don't care about you and whoever you are fucking anymore.
both of you don't matter.

It's sad that 10 years from now, you are going to be a dude that I used to date and none of the things we did matter. I probably won't remember you.
It's sad that 10 years from now, I can't tell my children how we fell in love and how crazily in love we were.
It doesn't matter anymore.

We can't live in the past.

The first party in 2018 was awesome.
I felt so happy, this time I flirt because I can and because I want to.
Not some kind of sick game I put myself into.
and I also understand don't let a "dead" person control your life.
2018 is good and will continue to be better.
I am too petty to wish you well.

Thanks for putting me through hell, I fought. I FUCKING fought for myself to stay sane everyday.
To get up and function like a normal human for the past year.
I am proud of who I am now. You will not be that monster that haunts my night.
and I can feel that my life will be great, wonderful even.

2018. Please don't let me down.


- life happens for me, not to me-