Back home.

I did it.

I did it. 

I quit my job. I moved back to Kuala Terengganu. 

I wish i could jokingly say I moved back to be a mermaid. 

Truth is. 

I was about to kill myself. Just didnt have the balls to do it. 

I just had to stay away from the city. 

I need to find peace and clear my head. 

Being back home with my parents and my old friends, jobless and only focusing on myself is a pretty big and scary decision. 

To be honest i am fucking terrified. 

What is going to happen next? 

But being home, makes me feel like this is the best decision i have ever made for myself. 

I love it here. I love it. 

It has been almost a week now. 

I can proudly say that i am definitely taking better care of myself. 

I did all i could to be happy. 

I said i'd make you proud. 

But. I miss you. We say it so much to each other i wonder do you mean it as much as i mean it.

I wish i could share every little details of my daily life with you. 

Every little excitements. From the smallest things like how pretty was the moon that night, watching money heist or had a great workout to things like how much i miss my grandma. 

I tried talking to other people but. It's just not the same. 

I just want to share it with someone that understands my excitement. 

Someone who gets me. 

What am I trying to do? It hurts. It hurts so bad to be a good friend. 

It hurts. No matter what i do or what you do it hurts

It hurts to be friends it hurts more to leave. 

There really is no right or wrong. It's my decision. It really is better this way. 

maybe I am addicted to the pain. 

i don't know what the fuck am i doing anymore. 

What the fuck am i trying to prove giving you relationship advises while crying and hurting. Fucking hipocrite. 

I don't know anymore. 

All i know is. 3 words. 8 letters. Irreversibly. 

I am not picky. I just know what i want. 

I want someone that speaks to my soul. 

For now. I know. For real. Seriously cross my heart. 

It was you and still is. 

Actually. I am glad that we are far away now. It sort of hurt less not knowing and not seeing. 

Besides. I am happy most of the time here.

But. I miss you. 

I guess i really did all i could. Hey. You know what. I am happy as long as you are happy. Regardless.
That is what really matters.

-I don't understand why do i need to try so hard not to lose you. 

You were never really mine to begin with-