It is almost that time of the year again.
This is the 2nd year since she left.
I love birthdays and celebrations and festivals I do.
This is the 2nd year i am having mixed emotions on my birthday.
I don't know man. it's like one part of me is so freaking excited and the other part of me is just struggling to take over.
My birthday in Sheffield was not too bad despite it was past mid night and i got the news that she passed away.
My birthday last year was, i don't know, just driving aimlessly in town with him.
No planning what so ever. It was dull. honestly i have never felt so aimless before and on my birthday. come on.
My birthday this year. I decided to have a great one despite 2 continuous disaster birthday.
but.
1. I didn't achieve what i wanted yet
2. The memories of her haunt me
3. I really want a nice birthday dinner with him but..
4. The memories of her haunt me
5. I just want a nice 24th birthday
6. I do not want to party and get drunk
7. I really hope that there's fireworks because I love watching fireworks and they didn't have any last year.
It is very hard for me to forget my own birthday.
THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY IS REMINDING ME OF MY BIRTHDAY
HER DEATH REMINDS ME OF MY BIRTHDAY
I have no fucking idea how anyone can forget their birthday.
I have so many things planned.
My family is celebrating for me so that's not a problem.
but,
I want to go for a short getaway
I want a simple romantic candle light dinner
I need to rest to refresh.
I want to do what I what.
I hate myself for not achieving my goals. I don't blame him for who he is, no one is to blame.
Maybe I shouldn't be too excited, maybe it is just another day.
oh well, it is not even my birthday yet and i am feeling so fucking depressed.
lesson to be learn here,
do not have too high hopes.
I am not a happy go lucky person, never was,
people assumed that I am just because I am all fat and sweaty.
I am not one bit happy.
I feel so sad about so many things
I miss Daisy, i miss the kittens
I hate this stupid political chaos in our country
I hate because of some stupid religion and race issue I always need to choose between him and my family
I hate because everyone says that career and money is the most important thing in life and he have none so he is not the best for me.
I hate that people are trying to change how i feel about someone
I hate that people assume they know what's best for me but they don't because i am myself and i know myself best.
I hate people.
I am never a happy person. I guest i just fake it good enough for everyone to think that I am who they assumed.
- all i really wanted was to feel happy-
