I am FAT

I really shouldn't be doing this but. fuck it
just hope that my boss is not secretly reading my blog.
I used to blog at work during the dark times.

That is only during the dark times.
too much emotion.
too much work load. This is the only place that i can channel all my emotions where no one is gonna screw me because i talk too much.

so. We had this conversation last night.
about not going public about our relationship.
I am absolutely cool about not putting relationship status on facebook.
I am sometimes insecure.
Oh. no. I am an insecure bitch.
Things got pretty uncomfortable.
Yet we manage to put out the fire.
Good Job to both of us! :)

I honestly never ever thought that my body.
me being fat is an issue to anyone.
Like seriously? You ain't supermodel too you know. Who the fuck gives you the right to judge?
Just get over it.

and i had that same old nightmare again last night.
I hate getting dreams like that.
No. I shouldn't call it dream, it happened.
That night was real. So real that it hit me badly.
I am such a drama queen.
But seriously, It still haunts me every now and then.

So now, the temporary solution to avoid anyone getting hurt is to not be seen together.
Oh yes. can't believe I am doing this. guess i really am in love with this ass hole.
and because I know. our relationship is so much more than that.
So much more than being teased by stupid brainless people.
so much more. so why should we even consider what they say?
Why can't we take it as if they are farting or barking?
they are shallow.
you know you are so much more than that.
you are so much better.

And the mother of solution is me losing all these base.
yes. Losing weight. No matter how hard or how much i try.
I still come back to ground 0.
Lord knows I've tried.
Trying to be positive.
I am doing this for myself.
Yes. this is like my life goal.
Imagine meeting Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson.

you know. my friends are not as skin deep as yours.
but there are still so many things that i am being judge for
no, i am not going to point out your flaws because that is not what you are  made of.
It is because i know this relationship
it is because you are not what they think

and it is because i know you love me.


FOCUS. ACHIEVE. TARGET.
FAT.