monsters.

The temperature of the air tonight feels oddly familiar.
I was on my way out, a gust of air rushed through me.

That scent. smells like tar road after rain.
Smells like getting down from your bike after our date, you taking off my helmet.
It smells so familiar, as if you are just beside me.
It is like, when i open my eyes you will be right in front me.

I can't describe how.
I really don't know to describe this feeling but i know i had to write it down.
It reminds me how it felt getting ready to meet you for our date.
The excitement, the smell, the temperature, the wind.
It has been a long time since I had that feeling.
Why tonight.
it's not like I am going out for a date.

It is just so familiar.
It also felt like how my day with you usually ends.
The cold night air, you stopping your bike in front of my house, taking off my helmet for me like usual.
That smile. Hugging me and telling me that you will see me tomorrow.
I remember so clearly how it felt to be on the bike with you at night.
Why is this all coming back now?

I have refrained myself from all the fuck boys and ass holes.
My life now = 0 drama.
all I am doing is, Netflix, chill, and thinking about you sometimes.
I thought i can live peacefully like this forever, a bit of memories wont hurt me.

Not tonight, I don't understand. I swear.

This is the 1st time I can't describe the feeling.
Or am i driving myself crazy from thinking too much about you.
someone once told me, love yourself more.
I don't know how much more I can love myself. I feel like I have given the best.

It is so easy for other people to say. Move on.
FUCKING HELL if i have the power to stop all these, I would have done it the day Jay left!
I would have move on and be as happy as him now.

I have tried so hard. I swear, this monster in my heart is eating me alive.
memories monsters.
How do I stop them?

It's the smell of the rain at night with a tiny hint of polluted city air.
The sound of moving cars and motorbikes.

I can't do this anymore. I am having so much trouble with my past,

-I guess, I still can' stop missing you-