Sheffield

Well hello there :)
Good news! I guess i survived 14 hours of tormenting flight. 
14 hours from Malaysia to UK is not fun at all!
but i guess i'm good. i survived.

Packed tons of stuff. 
I don't think I'll make any tutorials on packing your stuff
but, just listen to your heart, follow your guts and of course do some research.
think logically and practically with a sound, sober mind.
and you are good to go.
that's what i did at least. 

As usual. I am more than happy to go far away
I did not cry or feel sad to see my family leave.
I was relieved! LOL 
It took me one week to mentally accept that i made it to Sheffield Hallam University
After all these years.
I finally made it! 

HEY PEOPLE OUT THERE!
You have been reading my depressing blog for years can you believe it?
Do you feel happy for me? 
DO YOU? 

nice place here Sheffield. I'm here for a week and i think i need some weed to calm my nerves. 
I get panic attacks in my room when ever i'm alone. I don't show it, obviously. you wont catch me crying over some shits or screaming like a crazy fuck on the streets.
this is fucking silly, i actually can't off the lights when i'm sleeping.
Yeap i'm afraid of the dark. and this is getting serious.
Paranoid about every fucking thing.

Here I am, in my room. Lonely as ever
LOL!
nah it' not that i don't have friends.
I'm just searching for more.

I don't know what, but it's like a black hole in my heart 
no matter how much love, joy, emotions felt, i just want more. 
This black hole is slowly sucking the soul out of me.

Sheffield is cold. it's cold when the wind blows as if you can feel it in your bones.
it's colder when i can't hold anyone's hand. 
holding hands and cuddling makes it all better. 
there's a cute little fat cat here. i guess i'll just cuddle him then :)

so much that i want to share. 
i just don't know how.
these emotions wanting to explode from my chest!
can i just scream out loud?!

Away from Malaysia, and the excruciating heat makes me think better. Yeah.
Makes me think a lot.
about what i want in life.
silly little crushes, stupid boys.
pretty things.
guitar drums and music.
classic rock, romantic and fun.
kittens and puppies.
side shave short hair bold.

I'm sorry to leave you behind love.
sorry that you cried and i didn't
I'm sorry for so many things
I can't undo the fact that i'm hurting you everyday
wasting your time, waiting for my text.

I was too excited to get away from everything.
yes. This is my ticket to freedom.

I love you, yes I do.
You are my best friend. and i do not want to lose you.
but.
there's always a but.   
sigh. 
music guitars songs and reality.

music is always fun and happy and makes me smile, same goes to guitar and songs,
but they are always so unpredictable and mysterious. makes your heart race, adrenaline pumping blood flowing.  

on the other hand. reality. is always reality. always so transparent. Transparent and secure. 

which one should i pick?